First Date DC

“but seriously, when should i call?”
Top 10 Hall of Fame

February 28, 2006

No decency

Anonymous says,

I have been dating this guy for 6 months. He didn’t remember our 6 month anniversary (I didn’t remind him - what would the point have been?) But, he’s called me his girlfriend to friends, etc., and we have a pretty healthy relationship, ie we see each other a few times a week.

The other night after sex he asks me what I wanted to do for V-day. I said, “nothing”, meaning to imply he didnt need to worry about doing anything, b/c I could tell he wasn’t into it (ie he’s a man) On the actual day, perhaps I expected at least a call from him to say “hey happy v-day” or some shit. There was no call - there were texts, one of which said at the end - “btw, happy v-day”.

Not only does he not have the decency to pick up the phone and call, he insults me with a form of communication reserved for hooking up and/or making quick plans, and didn’t even mention coming over for a fuck. And yet he insists that he is still interested in dating me. Why can’t he just be honest and either make the relationship purely about sex or end it?

Kathryn says,

It sounds like you should be asking yourself something similar: Why can’t you be honest with him and ask him if the relationship is just about sex for him or if he feels like it’s going somewhere?

Although it does sound like he’s not putting a lot of effort and/or interest into your relationship, you don’t seem to be asking for any, even though that’s clearly what you want. You are keeping track of all the ways he’s “wronged” you and letting resentment build instead of talking about it with him like a grown-up. Recipe for disaster.

Please think about what you want (and how he is or isn’t providing it), then have a serious conversation with him about your findings. He may surprise you and be understanding and interested in making things work, or you may surprise yourself and discover you don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. Good luck.

DCB says,

Great use of the “I got you where I want you, you son-of-a-bitch” game. If your 6-month anniversary really was an important day, you would have mentioned it several times and planned an activity together. You remind me of the friend who never tells anyone his birthday, then gets all upset and mopey when it passes and no one remembers it.

The Valentine’s Day debacle was part of your doing. Sure he took your “nothing” answer to the extreme, but if you really meant what you said then you shouldn’t be upset that he didn’t make a big deal out of it. You are verbally communicating (or not communicating) one thing, and then get upset when he takes it literally. Either communicate clearly or continue playing games and getting upset. To him this is a real relationship and he’s just following your wishes. I have a feeling that he thinks everything is gravy. It definitely is not his fault that he can’t read your mind.

February 27, 2006

Not smooth

Sean says,

This is a question of fishing or cutting bait….Ok, so I really upset this chick the other day. Nothing new, but I actually like this one. What did I do? I called her another name during “the act”. Yeah, that’s a no-no but I have a good reason I think….Over the last two years I’ve been with chicks named Cathrine, Katie, Kristen, Christine, and this girl’s name is Christa! I called her Katie. Should I attempt to explain myself? Do I have a legitimate case? Any advice on how to explain this would be appreciated. Maybe I should just find a girl named Laura.

Kathryn says,

I’d have a lot more sympathy for you if you called her something much closer to her name. Christa vs. Christine, okay. Christa vs. Katie… not buying it. I don’t care how similar the names are; when you have trouble keeping them straight, it implies you are banging too many women and/or don’t care very much about the women you bang. In short, you are sending the message you consider them interchangeable.

I am curious about one thing - why do you want to explain yourself and try to get back in her good graces? Just so you can have sex with her again? I hope you’d cut bait if that’s the case.

If you care about her and want to soothe her sure-to-be-hurt feelings, I’d just tell her the truth in a very kind way. Explain how similar your exes’ names are. Tell her you were *not* imagining an ex while you were with her, and that you are truly into her. If this never, ever happens again (can you be sure it won’t?), you can eventually win back her trust. If that sounds like too much effort compared to the feelings you have for her, again, I’d say cut bait.

DCB says,

You are an idiot. This is why you NEVER say a girls name during sex. It’s simply too much risk without any benefit. Unless you are a hypnotist who can anchor the saying of her name to an instantaneous orgasm, you are begging for an accident like this.

I think things can be fixed. Try making up a pathetic story about how there is an ex-girlfriend you are having trouble getting over. Tell her that it’s been two years and you finally cut her off from your life, but there must be a small part of you that still needs to exorcise her. Add that you feel horrible because you enjoy spending time with her and that she makes you forget about your imaginary past. In other words, blame your subconscious! Make sure you mention that you read something about this in Freud?s The Interpretation Of Dreams.

February 24, 2006

Can I fix it?

A hoping-to-reform Drama Queen says,

I desperately need advice. I have been with my boyfriend for five months. In the last two months, we bicker over truly silly things. I can’t seem to let the fights roll off my back, so I have ended up crying in front of him for something as dumb as him getting snippy with me for not giving him a back rub. That being said, I feel like if he liked me, maybe he wouldn’t be that critical.

I also worry because we met a few days after he moved to D.C., and his life here never got truly settled. He has been struggling with temp jobs, finding an apartment, etc., so he has been under a lot of stress. I am settled with a good job, and I think this part of our tension.

All in all, though, we really get along. We have a great sex life, similar values, and our good times are really good.

So he has been picking more and more fights until I asked him last week point blank- “do you want to be with me?” His response about needing time, and a possible break devastated me. I broke up with him in rather dramatic fashion, and told him not to call me again.

Now I want to take it back. We have plans to go down to Florida together- to see his grandfather and my parents. We will see each other next week at the airport, but I want to reconcile. If we were making such serious plans like seeing our family, I think that means he still cares, right? Can I call and reconcile? Please help me figure out how to fix this!

Kathryn says,

I don’t know whether you can (or should want to) fix this.

He was cranky enough and hard enough to get along with to make you cry, and that lasted almost half the time you were dating. My guy friends have talked about picking fights when they were done with a relationship, waiting for something to catch and be “the big one” that would cause a fight heinous enough to precipitate the break-up. He seems to be following a similar philosophy.

Before you try and reconcile, please reflect on everything, not just the good times. Women so often take all the smallest hints of positivity in a relationship, string them together, interpret and spin the hell out of them, then somehow come up with the brilliant idea that “he really loved me, and we can make it work!” And all the while, he was trying to figure out how to break up with you. It sucks.

As for your trip, could you go down to Florida and see only your parents, not his grandfather? Can you change your flight? Could you change your seats if you are sitting together? If there is absolutely no way you can change your plans, I’d send him an email apologizing for the dramatics and expressing your sincere desire to make the trip as painless as possible. Nothing more. See what he says. If it’s a snappish, dickish response, you’ve got your answer. If he softens, you may have a chance. Go slowly.

Good luck. I hope it all works out in the best way possible for you.

DCB says,

Congratulations on ruining a relationship with a quality guy. Good sex, good times, and similar values are apparently not good enough for you. I mean what else do you want from this man? Are you aiming for 100% compatibility? He’s being critical of you because he’s tired of taking your whiny bullshit. No man wants to put up with an emotional wreck who cries about every stupid little thing. I hate your type.

I think you need to swallow your pride, go to him and admit that you made a mistake. Admit that you were playing games because you weren’t sure if he really cared for you or not. Admit that you just wanted to see how much shit he could take until you got dumped. Admit that you totally FUCKED UP. If you are lucky, he may take you back, but honestly I don’t think you deserve him.

If you liked this post then I think you will like my Roosh's Game Tips Email Newsletter For Guys. It's completely free and your first newsletter will be about how to meet girls in coffee shops. Following that will be newsletters on getting phone numbers, dealing with flakes, teasing girls the right way, handling cockblockers, meeting girls in foreign countries, and a whole lot more. Your email address will always remain private and you can unsubscribe at any time. To sign up put your first name and email address below and click the button.

February 22, 2006

I need the sex

Mattea says,

I’ve been dating a guy for about 2 months. We have a ridiculous connection- we can spend hours and hours together without noticing. The problem is, he won’t have sex with me. He sleeps over several nights a week, we kiss, we cuddle- but when I try to take it further (I love sex) he stops me and says he’s not ready. We’ve both had sex with multiple people before. Is he gay, or is there a real possibility that he is trying to be respectful? At the ripe age of 24, couldn’t we just cut through the bullshit? Am I being slutty and unreasonable?

Kathryn says,

Are you guys exclusive? Have you had that talk? Maybe he doesn’t want to have sex without that conversation. Or maybe he has unusual anatomy or an STD and isn’t ready to talk about it with you. It could be a lot of things, but you’ll never know unless you ask him. I wouldn’t start with, “are you gay?” but with something more like, “I am really into [this/you] and feel really comfortable with you and I’d really love to do more.” Just let him know you’re ready when he is. Specifically. He should let you know why he isn’t ready and/or when he will be ready. Hope all goes well, and that the van’s a-rockin’ in no time.

DCB says,

Two months and you think you are being slutty and unreasonable? Where did you find this guy… the Mormon temple? Here I have a bunch of guys asking me how to quickly get in a girls pants, and you found the only guy not ready for sex. The only reason a guy would want to hold off like this is because he is very small or a virgin. Either way that can’t be good for you. I hope he’s at least good at eating you out.

A kiss is just a kiss

Anonymous says,

The back-story: This guy and I dated 3 years ago. Things moved way too fast for him, he freaked out and broke up with me. I was crushed. I eventually moved on. He contacted me about 5 months ago and apologized and we?ve been hanging out as ?friends? being careful to take things slow this time. (oh yeah, he dated a girl for 2 years in between and broke up with her over the summer) We?ve been spending more and more time together, there?s flirting, I?m falling for him hard all over again, and I?m frustrated that we don?t seem to be moving forward. One friend says, ?I can?t believe he?s not banging you.? So I thought maybe this means he really likes me? I playfully email that I?m dying for him to really kiss me and he responds with..

The email,

I know you want me to kiss you, and that you’re attracted to me, and I am attracted to you to, and have been tempted to kiss you, but I have a problem which is holding me back:

The problem is my past and how I don’t want to repeat it. Typically, how its gone in the past, is I would date a girl, and the minute we kiss, make-out, whatever, I instantly cling myself to them, and stop dating other girls. The next thing I know I’m in a relationship and I’m miserable, because I’m constantly questioning my choice, and wondering if I was missing something else out there, and I end up freaking out and wanting to break up with the girl, only I don’t because I have issues with confrontation, so I continue to go along with it, the next thing you know its two years later, and I come out of nowhere and break up with you because I need to know what else is out there. I guess what I’m trying to say is, yeah, if we kiss we kiss, trust me, I have noooooo problem with that, but I just need you to understand, and be ok with the fact that if we do kiss, it doesn’t mean we’re exclusive, it doesn’t mean that I stop dating other people, it doesn’t mean that we will end up in a relationship and be together, there’s still a lot of uncertainty in me and I just don’t want to trap myself and end up hurting someone in the end.

Anonymous continues,

Kathryn and DCB, am I wasting my time here? This makes me kind of mad and I guess I know the self-respecting thing to do would just be to forget about him, and I did it before but it is so hard and I don?t really want to this time. I was thinking it would be different. His behavior is baffling to me. What do you make of it??

DCB says,

How does that phrase go… “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.” Well, shame on you, because you are getting completely played a SECOND time.

The good news: he likes you as a person. He probably doesn’t really want to hurt you, but…

The bad news: he will never make you a girlfriend. He’s had the chance, twice now, and has not taken it. His email is just a smokescreen to buy him some more time (he could be trying to get another girl to commit, and you are the backup). What you have to do is be smart about this and dump his ass… NOW. Nothing like an unexpected dumping to get a guy in line. Make him realize that you are available for a limited time only, like the McDonalds Monopoly game.

Kathryn says,

I once heard a very smart quote; one I was shocked to see attributed to Oprah. It went something like, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

From what you’ve written, he’s shown you he isn’t interested in dating you, and that he is confident that he could do better. He is trying to be nice about it, and he does clearly like spending time with you, but he doesn’t want you as a girlfriend. Believe him, and move on.

February 21, 2006

Pity party

Keeping it anonymous writes,

I am chick, I?m 28, and I?ve lived in DC for most of my life. I have a tight circle of female friends, all of whom are witty, educated, and entertaining (just like me). For the most part, I couldn?t ask for a better group of friends. And as would be expected of a group of single girls, when we get together, bitching about men is a favored pastime.

In recent months, however, the bitching has escalated, and my friends are kind of turning themselves into a little self-help group. I hear incessant complaining about how there are no good men out there, or how they?ve found the perfect man but he?s married, or how some guy gave one of them three seconds of attention the other day ? do I think he?s interested? Going out to parties or clubs is starting to get replaced by Movie Nights with the Girls. I?m starting to get all these ?girl power? e-mails containing stories with the under lying message that It?s OK to be Single! It?s like they?re giving up. I suspect the fact that we?re all hovering so close to 30 is part of the problem.

While I feel my buds have always exuded a cool independent vibe, lately they?re getting all whiny and desperate, which I?m pretty sure is turning the men off. As a girlbud, it is my job to be supportive, and I?m pretty certain that simply telling my friends, ?You?re getting whiny and desperate,? will not go over well. So I?m kind of clueless about what to do. Is this just a natural course that women take that I need to just accept (and settle in for my own ultimate demise)?

DCB says,

Oh man I wish you could see the huge grin on my face right now. This is direct proof of the spinster phenomenon that I get so much criticism for, when women get old and bitter and blame their dating failures on everyone but themselves.

It’s up to you to put a stop to this, because by doing nothing you are enabling this self-destructive behavior. Set up a spinster intervention if you have to, but definitely let them know that their attitude is not helping them find a man. Ask them directly: “Is thinking like this helping you in any way?” They are going to resent you for a couple weeks or so, but if they are the open-minded type of girls you should be hanging out with, they will come around. Otherwise you should break up with them and hang out with younger girls who do not yet have the urge to accumulate cats.

Kathryn says,

Barf. I hate clingy girls with no real prospects analyzing and dissecting every scrap of attention thrown their way by unworthy, likely uninterested men. I can not indulge that behavior, ever.

Please do stage some kind of intervention. Maybe have all the girls over for a Sex & the City night, but be sure to watch the episode “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” This is the one where Miranda goes off on all of them about their obsession with men, in the following classic tirade:

All we talk about anymore is Big or balls or small dicks. How does it happen that four smart women have nothing to talk about but boyfriends? It’s like seventh grade but with bank accounts! What about us? What we think, we feel, we know, Christ! Does it always have to be about them? Just give me a call when you’re ready to talk about something besides men.

Then pause and discuss.

Of course I’m kidding about the viewing party. But if you know you will not be able to hang out with these women anymore if the pity parties continue, say something about it! Borrow Miranda’s words if you have to. But don’t just throw it out there as a criticism. Offer a plan of action. Organize a “club night” for everyone. Throw a singles happy hour. They’ll appreciate it. Or at least, the ones worth keeping around will.

February 17, 2006

Ball’s in her court

Bewildered says,

I know I should let it go and never talk to her again, but part of me wants to figure out what happened. So, I was dating this girl for little awhile we started as friends and one thing led to another. I haven’t spoken to her in almost two weeks and the ball is defiantly in her court. I was at a party of hers at a bar with a bunch her friends (none of mine). She was kind of distant, but had told me her best friend was in town (staying with her) for the party and that she was a lot to handle (i.e. can’t go home with me that night).

The night before she called me at 1 am asking me to come over, where she apologized ahead a time for not being able to hang out with me that much at the party. The party was fun, but not really my scene so I left a little before last call to meet up with some friends. I went to say good night and she was all upset saying that I had told some friend of hers that she was my girlfriend, which I hadn’t done. The funny thing was if she had been drunk I would have thought nothing of it, but she was being serious. I told her the only thing I had said to her friend was hi my name is… So, I said let’s talk about this later and kissed her goodnight. I called her two days later and left a voicemail saying something like “hope you had fun at your party let’s get together this week.” Never heard back from her.

Do I just say fuck it and secretly hope she calls or do I call or email her?

DCB says,

You were set up. Before you even walked into that party, plans were in motion by her and her friend to make sure this is the last time she has to see you. There was nothing at the party you did wrong, other than show up and allow her plan to be executed.

Warning Sign #1. She told you she had a lot to handle. Girls are rarely able to explain their behavior, so when they do explain it you know it’s usually made up. If she really had a lot to handle then it would show up as something else, like a flustered host who freaks out when someone drops cranberry juice on the white sheepskin rug from Ikea.

Warning Sign #2. She apologized ahead of time. That should have been huge to you, that she knew, one day in advance, that she was going to completely bitch you in front of everyone. Again, girls barely know what they are doing one hour in advance, to know one DAY in advance that she wasn’t going to give you any attention should have been a clear warning.

Warning Sign #3. Her friend lied. She got the help of a co-conspirator to make you feel like the beta male that you are. They probably laughed about how well it worked afterwards.

While I do feel sorry for you, I am impressed with how flawlessly you got dumped. Please, for your dignity, do not ever call her again.

Kathryn says,

She’s just not that into you but feels bad about it. Something is missing for her, though god knows if it’s romantic, physical, financial, intellectual… something isn’t there. I highly doubt that she orchestrated the events of the night and drew her friend into her allegiance (DCB is more paranoid than I am), but I also say drop her. The guys who perpetually try to see and/or hook up with my friends after they’ve made it clear they don’t like them (as I think she has done) are the ones we pity and even, if warranted, ridicule. I hate to be that girl who says this, but don’t be that guy. Seriously.

February 16, 2006

Big money first date

What’s the Etiquette Here? writes,

Hi Guys! Here’s one for you. Let’s say you meet someone when you’re out with friends, hit it off, and give the person your number. He calls, you chat, and end up setting up a date. Let’s say the date was to a concert which was your idea but he picks up the tickets. You meet for dinner beforehand (which he also pays for) but part of the way through dinner you realize this guy is great but just not for you. You go to the concert and he drives you home, immediately asking for a second date. At this point, I usually panic and tell him to call me which is what I did in this case as well. I guess I feel bad that he spent all that money on concert tickets and dinner so I couldn’t look him right in the eye and say “Thanks for the $200 first date but I don’t want to see you again.” Would that have been better to say or is it ok to say “Call me” and hope he doesn’t or deal with it if he does? I should also say that I didn’t kiss him goodnight but gave him a little hug and bolted out of the car.

DCB says,

You both made mistakes…

1. You suggested a concert as a first date. Might as well go to the movies where at least the room is dark and he can’t see the huge zit on your nose. How could you possibly get to know someone during a concert?

2. He didn’t let you pay for anything. I hope he makes good money because $200 is a serious waste. As I get older and my dating expenses have increased substantially, I try to screen out fickle girls like yourself. Maybe he subscribes to the “throw money at the problem” approach, where he wants to impress you with his wealth.

Because I don’t believe you should have to go out with a guy you dislike, I think you played the situation well. In the future, do not suggest anything for the first date. That way if it doesn’t work out, the guy will be mad at himself and not at you. Still, for $200 you could have given him something like a pity make-out. He couldn’t have been that bad, or else you wouldn’t be so eager to go out with him in the first place.

Kathryn says,

If you knew for sure you would never see him again halfway through dinner… and he had already paid for the concert tickets, which were your idea… why didn’t you insist on paying for dinner, in the interest of fairness? That would send a signal that you were looking at the event as more of a friendly meeting of equals than him treating you to a expensive, romantic date. It would also alleviate you of this guilt you claim to be feeling. But you didn’t. Why? I think you really don’t feel that badly about the money. Otherwise, you would have offered to share the cost.

That issue aside, saying “call me” and exiting with a hug is fine. People very often say “I’ll call you” at the end of dates with absolutely no intention of doing so, just to make the parting moment easier on everyone. This one might call you, though. Don’t answer, don’t call back, don’t lead him on… not even for a free meal.

February 15, 2006

Where are the good women

Anon says,

I’m a 26 year old single male in the District. Whenever I go out in the city, I despair at the lack of attractive, dateable women. I see attractive women during the day, at work, etc. But whenever I head out at night, they are no where to be found. The few that are either turn out to be married/involved or uninteresting. My standards aren’t even *that* high.

Bars/clubs obviously aren’t the greatest place to meet someone worth dating. The Internet thing is even more unappealing. I’m just looking for a suitably attractive, suitably interesting, normal woman. Where are they hiding?

DCB says,

I swear it could have been me writing this question and not a thing would be different. There is a serious problem with quality women in this town, and I deal with it in two ways:

1. Plow ahead. You can’t stay home and feel sorry for yourself. You have to go out just as much (if not more) and meet women even if you think they may not be girlfriend material. This takes money and energy, but I think it’s worth it because it keeps you sharp when the one you do like comes across your path. Plus by now you already know that much of dating is a numbers game. It’s a simple fact that the more women you talk to, the more you will get.

2. Travel. I’ve picked up my traveling activities the past year and have noticed that American girls are unique in their coldness and heavy weight. Travel keeps you grounded, gives you experiences, stories, and perspective, and also may motivate you to get up and move to a more visually appealing environment. If you don’t have anything to compare the women here to, how do you know that what you want really exists?

A lot of quality guys are going through this problem, so rest assured that you are not alone. But the odds are in our favor… just be patient for your time will come.

Kathryn says,

Damn. Since DCB gave a relatively sensitive answer, does that mean I get to be a bitch on this one?

Here’s my question: why can’t you ask out these women you see during the day (other than ones at work, assuming that’s taboo)? Can’t you approach someone at Starbuck’s as easily as you might at a bar? Do you need a dark room and/or booze to have the confidence to speak to a woman? Do you always have sex in the bedroom at night with the lights off?

I have a lot of quality, interesting, attractive, intelligent female friends of all ages (23 - 40). They lament the lack of quality, interesting, attractive, intelligent men in DC. These women can be found, depending on day, hour, and mood, at the gym, the grocery store, the dive bars, the charity circuit events, the newest, hippest lounges, the local Starbuck’s, the metro, the bookstore, ANYWHERE. So how do you find them? Like DCB said: just get out. Plow ahead. Travel. Don’t give up. Be patient.

Good luck.

February 14, 2006

Valentines

Split says,

I just started seeing a girl recently. We’ve been out a few times and it’s been very fun, but it’s unclear where we will end up (long-term, casual, etc.) We have not had sex yet. On Valentine’s day, should I bring her some sort of gift? I don’t want her to think I’m all into her or anything, but I wonder if something small is appropriate.

DCB says,

Hmmm this is a tough one. I’m assuming you two like each other and there is some sort of connection, but since sex hasn’t happened you definitely want to be extremely careful. You don’t want to reward her before sex has happened, because then she may hold out indefinitely.

Answer: Take her a single rose.

Kathryn says,

I think you should do something, but you don’t want to scare her off, either. So don’t show up for a hang-out date in a tie with a huge bunch of flowers. Instead, go small and charming, like a funny card with a brief, sweet (but not fawning) note. Also, give her a solo sunflower or dahlia or stem of anything BUT a freaking single red rose. Those always look like you got them in the checkout line at 7-11.

I can’t believe DCB can’t even be romantic on Valentine’s Day. (btdubs, “Happy Valentime’s Day. Every day the 14th!”)

Next Page »

© 2006.
About | Legal