The back-story: This guy and I dated 3 years ago. Things moved way too fast for him, he freaked out and broke up with me. I was crushed. I eventually moved on. He contacted me about 5 months ago and apologized and we?ve been hanging out as ?friends? being careful to take things slow this time. (oh yeah, he dated a girl for 2 years in between and broke up with her over the summer) We?ve been spending more and more time together, there?s flirting, I?m falling for him hard all over again, and I?m frustrated that we don?t seem to be moving forward. One friend says, ?I can?t believe he?s not banging you.? So I thought maybe this means he really likes me? I playfully email that I?m dying for him to really kiss me and he responds with..
The email,
I know you want me to kiss you, and that you’re attracted to me, and I am attracted to you to, and have been tempted to kiss you, but I have a problem which is holding me back:
The problem is my past and how I don’t want to repeat it. Typically, how its gone in the past, is I would date a girl, and the minute we kiss, make-out, whatever, I instantly cling myself to them, and stop dating other girls. The next thing I know I’m in a relationship and I’m miserable, because I’m constantly questioning my choice, and wondering if I was missing something else out there, and I end up freaking out and wanting to break up with the girl, only I don’t because I have issues with confrontation, so I continue to go along with it, the next thing you know its two years later, and I come out of nowhere and break up with you because I need to know what else is out there. I guess what I’m trying to say is, yeah, if we kiss we kiss, trust me, I have noooooo problem with that, but I just need you to understand, and be ok with the fact that if we do kiss, it doesn’t mean we’re exclusive, it doesn’t mean that I stop dating other people, it doesn’t mean that we will end up in a relationship and be together, there’s still a lot of uncertainty in me and I just don’t want to trap myself and end up hurting someone in the end.
Anonymous continues,
Kathryn and DCB, am I wasting my time here? This makes me kind of mad and I guess I know the self-respecting thing to do would just be to forget about him, and I did it before but it is so hard and I don?t really want to this time. I was thinking it would be different. His behavior is baffling to me. What do you make of it??
DCB says,
How does that phrase go… “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.” Well, shame on you, because you are getting completely played a SECOND time.
The good news: he likes you as a person. He probably doesn’t really want to hurt you, but…
The bad news: he will never make you a girlfriend. He’s had the chance, twice now, and has not taken it. His email is just a smokescreen to buy him some more time (he could be trying to get another girl to commit, and you are the backup). What you have to do is be smart about this and dump his ass… NOW. Nothing like an unexpected dumping to get a guy in line. Make him realize that you are available for a limited time only, like the McDonalds Monopoly game.
Kathryn says,
I once heard a very smart quote; one I was shocked to see attributed to Oprah. It went something like, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”
From what you’ve written, he’s shown you he isn’t interested in dating you, and that he is confident that he could do better. He is trying to be nice about it, and he does clearly like spending time with you, but he doesn’t want you as a girlfriend. Believe him, and move on.
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Give me a break, what is sad about this is that you know he doesn’t want you, deep down you know it. A quick translation of that letter is “I will sleep with you and then refer back to this conversation to tell you ‘I told you so’ when I give you the “I dont want to get attached” line afterwards.” It will hurt the most when after all of this BS, he ends up in a relationship with a girl he considers more hot than you a few weeks after he sleeps with you.
This sounds like a cliche, but in some ways, you are too good for him because he doesnt see in you the things that are good about you. Find somebody who does.
both DCB and Kathryn agree?! yeah, dump this guy… he just doesn’t know what he wants. find a real man - a real man knows what he wants.
Comment by nabeel on 02/22/06.
I think Matt and Kathryn have this correct in terms of the scenario which will play out if you start something physical with this guy.
However, I think the best overall advice is what Kathryn said. Look, this guy considers you a friend so he is telling you up front how he really feels. I disagree with the other commentators that this letter is a “smoke screen,” because to me it seems pretty genuine. Do not make the mistake of not reading what he says and taking it for what it is.
My advice: stay friends with this guy, but do not get physical. It sounds like you have a lot in common and enjoy doing stuff together, but he is clearly not at a point in his life where he is ready for a commitment (and remember- you will not be able to change this).
Comment by Another Anon on 02/22/06.
Another Anon, good points but this ‘point in his life where he is ready for committment’ will happen as soon as he finds a girl he considers hot enough, it is shallow, but true. If he was a genuine and good friend as you say, then he would not hook up with her, but that is not the case.
And far as her, she should not remain friends with him because she will not be able to handle it. She likes him, she will take every little friendly advance or drunk flirt to heart, and will end up hurt no matter the situation. Just step aside, you will realize that your friendship doesnt mean that much once the attraction is gone.
I’ve done this relationship a couple of different ways.
I’ve been the person who has fallen hard for a close female friend even though we’ve had the chat that says I should expect the heat death of the universe first. I’d get over her and fall for her over and over again over the years. It sucks, but we’re very close and I wouldn’t want to give that up.
I’ve been the person who was in a relationship with the perfect woman but things went sour FAST. Some time later we started talking again and soon we were back where we were before everything went south. Sure enough, after a year or so everything went tits up again. It scares me that every 4-6 months I get the urge to call her again.
Is that helpful? No. Of course not. I’m just laying background.
Do NOT start a physical relationship with this guy. He’s warned you how it would play out. Don’t even allow yourself to get drunk around this guy.
You have a close friendship with this guy so if you think you’re up to the emotional stress stick with it. You may have to spend more time away from him if it gets to be too much.
Some day, somewhere over the rainbow, he may get past his issues and things may work out. But don’t count on it. That’s a big honking roulette wheel and the odds are stacked against you.
Hang out with him, but date other people.
Comment by Ibid on 02/22/06.
You know, I used to believe it was a truism that women were better at the dating game than men. Better at reading the subtext of a conversation, better at reading non-verbal body language, better at running game to get someone interested. But then there was yestrday’s Pity Party question, the DCRookie post on DCB…and now this. Here we have a man who says as plain as he can “I will fuck you if you want, but I do not want to date you exclusively and I will be looking for other women to sleep with when I am not with you.” And this woman emails to ask what she should do…
Honey, I am sure you’re a great girl and you’ll have plenty of other men to choose from, but there is no way you should ge involved with this guy. Well, ok, there is one way you should get involved. If you like the idea of having someone to sleep with while YOU look for other guys to date, the by all means have sex with this guy. But don’t have sex with him if you are interested in an exclusive relationship, you’ll just get hurt worse.
Comment by Chaco on 02/22/06.
Try to imagine how you would feel if you got this email AFTER you guys slept together (with the relevant details updated, of course). Pretty crappy, huh? Well, if you sleep with him you WILL get another email like this from him. Like DCB and Kathryn say, he doesn’t know what he wants, but he knows it isn’t you.
It sounds like you’re really into him, and for the sake of self-preservation, you should end the friendship. We all like to believe that we can be better people by remaining friends with our exes, but in the real world that just isn’t possible all the time, particularly when one person is still attacted to the other. Move on, and in a couple years you’ll be sighing in relief that you didn’t fuck this chump.
Comment by DCRookie on 02/22/06.
I completely disagree with the “he’ll settle down for a hot enough girl” argument. I went through stages in my life where I was totally into my hobbies, where I was totally into work, and where I was totally into sleeping with many different attractive women and no one could have changed my mind about those facts.
This is like women who think if they are just perfect enough or good enough they will stop a man from cheating if he is a cheater. Ridiculous. These types of changes come from within, not from a woman.
Comment by Anthony on 02/22/06.
The definition of insanity is repeatedly doing the same things and expecting different results.
