Hi Guys! Here’s one for you. Let’s say you meet someone when you’re out with friends, hit it off, and give the person your number. He calls, you chat, and end up setting up a date. Let’s say the date was to a concert which was your idea but he picks up the tickets. You meet for dinner beforehand (which he also pays for) but part of the way through dinner you realize this guy is great but just not for you. You go to the concert and he drives you home, immediately asking for a second date. At this point, I usually panic and tell him to call me which is what I did in this case as well. I guess I feel bad that he spent all that money on concert tickets and dinner so I couldn’t look him right in the eye and say “Thanks for the $200 first date but I don’t want to see you again.” Would that have been better to say or is it ok to say “Call me” and hope he doesn’t or deal with it if he does? I should also say that I didn’t kiss him goodnight but gave him a little hug and bolted out of the car.
DCB says,
You both made mistakes…
1. You suggested a concert as a first date. Might as well go to the movies where at least the room is dark and he can’t see the huge zit on your nose. How could you possibly get to know someone during a concert?
2. He didn’t let you pay for anything. I hope he makes good money because $200 is a serious waste. As I get older and my dating expenses have increased substantially, I try to screen out fickle girls like yourself. Maybe he subscribes to the “throw money at the problem” approach, where he wants to impress you with his wealth.
Because I don’t believe you should have to go out with a guy you dislike, I think you played the situation well. In the future, do not suggest anything for the first date. That way if it doesn’t work out, the guy will be mad at himself and not at you. Still, for $200 you could have given him something like a pity make-out. He couldn’t have been that bad, or else you wouldn’t be so eager to go out with him in the first place.
Kathryn says,
If you knew for sure you would never see him again halfway through dinner… and he had already paid for the concert tickets, which were your idea… why didn’t you insist on paying for dinner, in the interest of fairness? That would send a signal that you were looking at the event as more of a friendly meeting of equals than him treating you to a expensive, romantic date. It would also alleviate you of this guilt you claim to be feeling. But you didn’t. Why? I think you really don’t feel that badly about the money. Otherwise, you would have offered to share the cost.
That issue aside, saying “call me” and exiting with a hug is fine. People very often say “I’ll call you” at the end of dates with absolutely no intention of doing so, just to make the parting moment easier on everyone. This one might call you, though. Don’t answer, don’t call back, don’t lead him on… not even for a free meal.
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Phone: ahem. Ring!
Her: Hello?
Him: Hey! It’s him!
Her: Oh. Uh, hi.
Him: There’s this thing at the place coming up and…
Her: Look, before you get too far into your spiel I want to stop you.
Him: (thinking) Crap. (says) Oh?
Her: I had a good time with you the other night, but I don’t think this is going to work out.
Him: (thinking) Crap. (says) Oh.
Her: I know you spent a lot of money on that night and I’m sorry. I’d be happy to reimburse you for my concert ticket.
Him: No. No, that’s alright.
Her: You’re sure? It’s no problem. I don’t want you to think I was just trying to mooch a free concert off of you. You’re cute and all… I just don’t think this’ll work out.
Him: Nah. It’s nothin’. ’s ok. I’ll see ya round.
Phone: click
Him: grunt. beer and strippers.
Comment by Ibid on 02/16/06.
I am selling an ew pill to sluts so they feel absolutely no guilt, only $200 a bottle
Comment by Anonymous on 02/16/06.
I agree with Ibid. Simplest thing is to grow some guts and be like- hey, I will offer to reimburse you for the concert. He probably will say don’t worry about it anyways, but the gesture is nice, and then be like I just don’t think we are compatible. End of story.
Comment by another anon on 02/16/06.
Yeah, seriously, I dont think you care very much that he spent all that money on you. Honestly, why you suggested a concert in the first place for a first date? Horrible first date idea. A first date should be coffee.
I feel sorry for him. He fell for it, hook line and sinker
Comment by Stephen on 02/16/06.
Ibin nailed it. Kathryn gave poor advice here. Regardless of how the date went, avoidance is a bad way to handle any situation.
Comment by Chris. on 02/16/06.
Ditto on Chris. If you do the avoidance thing in this situation it is really shameful.
Comment by Another Anon on 02/16/06.
I agree that avoidance is not the “grown-up” way to handle this, but I question her ability to say anything that wouldn’t further encourage the poor guy and extend their interactions.
I’m sorry Kathryn– generally I respect your opinion, but this time I think that the avoidance is not a respectable way to go.
Maybe I am completely off base, but in my experience when a girl has made it clear what is going on I have always appreciated her being upfront even if my feelings were a little hurt.
In this situation you bring the fact that (presumably) the guy spent what was a lot of money to him on this date, I think that the girl needs to get over whatever hangups she has about how it might feel awkward and tell it like it is. Quite literally: she owes it to him.
Comment by Another Anon on 02/16/06.
Poor guy, he spent all this money, you think he is a great guy, but somehow “not for you.” He’ll probably scratch his head about this one.
This is why I have not spent more than $20 on a first date in a long time.
Comment by Chaco on 02/16/06.
Agree with the commenters above… I’m not wanting to run Kathryn down here, but I strongly feel that avoidance is a showing of the deepest and utmost disrespect. That is NOT the way to treat any person, even if you don’t like them.
Comment by nabeel on 02/16/06.
by the way, as for the money issue… it’s up to the guy to learn to not spend big bucks on the first date. I think he eventually will learn the hard way.
Comment by nabeel on 02/16/06.
From the poster: Thanks for the rude comments from the peanut gallery. Just for your information, I did offer to buy both the concert tickets and dinner but he insisted on paying for both and actually made me feel a little silly for offering. As for suggesting a concert on a first date, I mentioned wanting to go and he ran with the idea and got the tickets. Seems to me he was a bit eager which isn’t a bad thing but I’m not sure why that makes me a “stupid whore.” I ALWAYS offer to pay on EVERY date, whether it’s the first or the 21st.
Comment by Etiquette on 02/21/06.
Etiquette: but how often do you actually pay? stupid whore.
