I desperately need advice. I have been with my boyfriend for five months. In the last two months, we bicker over truly silly things. I can’t seem to let the fights roll off my back, so I have ended up crying in front of him for something as dumb as him getting snippy with me for not giving him a back rub. That being said, I feel like if he liked me, maybe he wouldn’t be that critical.
I also worry because we met a few days after he moved to D.C., and his life here never got truly settled. He has been struggling with temp jobs, finding an apartment, etc., so he has been under a lot of stress. I am settled with a good job, and I think this part of our tension.
All in all, though, we really get along. We have a great sex life, similar values, and our good times are really good.
So he has been picking more and more fights until I asked him last week point blank- “do you want to be with me?” His response about needing time, and a possible break devastated me. I broke up with him in rather dramatic fashion, and told him not to call me again.
Now I want to take it back. We have plans to go down to Florida together- to see his grandfather and my parents. We will see each other next week at the airport, but I want to reconcile. If we were making such serious plans like seeing our family, I think that means he still cares, right? Can I call and reconcile? Please help me figure out how to fix this!
Kathryn says,
I don’t know whether you can (or should want to) fix this.
He was cranky enough and hard enough to get along with to make you cry, and that lasted almost half the time you were dating. My guy friends have talked about picking fights when they were done with a relationship, waiting for something to catch and be “the big one” that would cause a fight heinous enough to precipitate the break-up. He seems to be following a similar philosophy.
Before you try and reconcile, please reflect on everything, not just the good times. Women so often take all the smallest hints of positivity in a relationship, string them together, interpret and spin the hell out of them, then somehow come up with the brilliant idea that “he really loved me, and we can make it work!” And all the while, he was trying to figure out how to break up with you. It sucks.
As for your trip, could you go down to Florida and see only your parents, not his grandfather? Can you change your flight? Could you change your seats if you are sitting together? If there is absolutely no way you can change your plans, I’d send him an email apologizing for the dramatics and expressing your sincere desire to make the trip as painless as possible. Nothing more. See what he says. If it’s a snappish, dickish response, you’ve got your answer. If he softens, you may have a chance. Go slowly.
Good luck. I hope it all works out in the best way possible for you.
DCB says,
Congratulations on ruining a relationship with a quality guy. Good sex, good times, and similar values are apparently not good enough for you. I mean what else do you want from this man? Are you aiming for 100% compatibility? He’s being critical of you because he’s tired of taking your whiny bullshit. No man wants to put up with an emotional wreck who cries about every stupid little thing. I hate your type.
I think you need to swallow your pride, go to him and admit that you made a mistake. Admit that you were playing games because you weren’t sure if he really cared for you or not. Admit that you just wanted to see how much shit he could take until you got dumped. Admit that you totally FUCKED UP. If you are lucky, he may take you back, but honestly I don’t think you deserve him.
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Not knowing the two of you I have to take what you said and build a couple of scenarios.
1) He’s an asshole and you’re a chump for putting up with it. He faked being nice long enough to get you hooked and then reverted to his true nature.
2) His inability to land a job is wearing him down and he’s taking it out on anyone and everyone.
3) He doesn’t want to land a job and is just an asshole mooching off you.
4) He’s sick of you and, deliberately or not, is trying to drive you off.
5) You’re whiny and high maintenance with unrealistic demands.
My suggestion is that you separate and try again after he gets a haircut and gets a real job.
For the flight to Florida listen to Kathryn.
Comment by Ibid on 02/24/06.
damn dcb
i thought i was bitter
Comment by n-onymous on 02/24/06.
I really strongly believe that DCB is correct. Kathryn talks about the symptoms, but DCB gets to the cause.
Comment by Anonther Anon on 02/24/06.
Hi K, I didn’t know you had another blog.
You’ve got to be kidding me, DCB. She didn’t ruin it. It was already dying, she just put it out of it’s misery. The reason that he was being so hostile is because he wanted to break up with her but was too chickenshit to do it directly. So he proceeded to do it the passive-aggressive way by treating her worse and worse until she dumps him (solving his problem) or forces a confrontation (like she did) and gives him an out. Now the breakup looks like her idea and he gets off scott free.
This guy should be working for the State Department.
I really can’t tell who’s fault was who’s… but I’m pretty sure it’s not gonna help to play the blame game. The way I see it is… that he MIGHT be a quality guy, and the girl made a BIG mistake that she might be leaving out of her post. I’m willing to bet there are crucial details that have been left out of this post. OR it could be this: the guy might not have been into this girl all along, and he’s a chicken-shit for not breaking up with her point-blank when he knew he was done with her.
Comment by nabeel on 02/24/06.
to the original poster… some more details would be helpful. when did he start getting hostile towards you? was it something you said, or what he said or did that started it all? what happened just before the first time he got snippy?
Comment by nabeel on 02/24/06.
This question was answered by the third sentence. If two of the five months you’ve been together have been bad, bad enough to break up, then this relationship is doomed. You have little invested in it, so just walk away.
Could he be depressed? It makes sense- the hard time finding a job, the snippy attitude. You probably aren’t the right person to suggest it, but maybe he should talk to a doctor. Medication can work wonders and help people through bad situations. There are even nurses who can prescribe and monitor medication for a lot cheaper than seeing a doctor. I agree with the above that you should give him some space to sort out his life. You are not his therapist or his verbal punching bag. If you were married you would have an obligation to help him through this, but at 5 months, you don’t have enough invested to try and fix this. Apologize for the nature of the breakup, just to keep the possibility open for the future, and then seek greener pastures. Boys are like buses- there’ll be another one along in a minute.
I dated a guy like this for awhile… this relationship isn’t going to end in anything but tears. If he treated you like crap the first time, nothing’s going to change. You should take what’s left of your dignity and find a guy who treats you right. (I know I’ve shot my slim chances with DCB to hell with this comment, but I wasted too much time on a guy like the one the poster describes.)
I’m with DCB on this one. At the beginning of a relationship, she was probably not being herself enough nor was he. Once the three months were up, he probably allowed himself to say things and she probably took this too personally. Truth is, he’s probably relieved not to have to deal with this anymore. I doubt he was picking on her. Sounds to me like she’s not a very strong person (especially if she’s now going to call him). So she’s probably simplifying the situation after over analyzing it. My guess is that she’s constantly needing reassurance and he’s just not that type of guy. Either grow up and learn something from the situation or look like a complete drama queen by calling him and trying to fix the situation.
Comment by Sam on 02/24/06.
Well, if her tag is Hoping-to-Reform-Drama-Queen then I think we can cut this guy a little slack. He’s just getting settled in a new city, doesn’t have a job, and is stressed out. It probably doesn’t help that she bursts out crying everytime he tries to vent his frustration. It’s probably for the best if they both move on since they’re having such personality clashes.
Comment by HMC on 02/24/06.
This is what you need to do to get things back on track. Invite him over for a nice home cooked meal, or order in if you have no culinary talent (in which case your only potential in life is to be barefoot and pregnant- your skills in the kitchen are as useless as nice titties on a nun or giving a whale a tic tac). If he agrees to come over, set the mood with some light music, maybe a little Danzig or Gwar- you know, something light and sexy… Kruder and Dorfmeister may be a bit much… there are limits you know.
When he comes over, answer the door completely naked holding nothing but a value size jar of peanut butter (creamy only, as extra chunky may cause some confusion given consideration as to its use in this scenario) and KY. From here, let your imaginations run wild you two- there is no telling what might happen. I would also suggest this approach in wooing over his grandfather when you vist Florida. If you are lucky enough, and he really likes you- you may get the generational double stuff, and enjoy the sensation of having some wrinkly old balls slap you on the chin… The point is, in this life, you never know when such a wonderful relationship may blossom into something truly special, and clearly here, there is a lot of potential…I think you can fix it…
Comment by puzzled poster on 02/24/06.
hey drama queen/major league PIA, i think you answered your own question…if he really liked you, he’d be banging you silly and buying you jewelry and doing all the stuped stuff guys do to keep their winky wet. sounds to me like he rolled into town looking for the first slit he could find just to get the stink on him. and you fit the bill. homeless temps don’t tend to date supermodels, after all. plus, you’ve got the good job and some cash to spread around so he can overlook your annoyingness. but every guy has his limits and it sounds like he’s hit his.
here’s some guy advice. “I need some time” translates to, “I think i can get into the pants of the chick who hangs out at the local starbucks, but i’m not sure. better hedge my bets…”
Comment by fred on 02/24/06.
The sad thing is that somewhere out there are presumably adult “men” behind these comments, and what’s even sadder is that they think talking about “wrinkly old balls” and keeping “their winky wet” are anything approaching clever.
RCR, unfortunately, like the immature teen who dresses with too much makeup and a skirt that looks like hoochie wear to a family wedding, these trolls think that they can make up for a lack of depth by shocking people. They think any kind of attention is good attention, so they try to get a rise out of you. And like the 14 year old in the hoochie wear, the people they encounter are embarrassed for them, not amused by them.
This is a tricky one. Sounds like there is fault to go around. I think it’s pretty lame of a guy to get snippy when he does not get a backrub (unless he gives them to you freely?). At the same time, being reduced to tears over it is not very attractive.
Regardless of whose fault it is, it did not sound like a happy relationship. Why continue?
Comment by Chaco on 02/24/06.
“The sad thing is that somewhere out there are presumably adult ?men? behind these comments, and what?s even sadder is that they think talking about ?wrinkly old balls? and keeping ?their winky wet? are anything approaching clever.” - RCR.
… “generational double stuff” is a winner- you can’t deny that… Do you actually take this crap seriously… Like it would be reasonable to set the mood to Danzig or Gwar… The fact of the matter is- the woman posting on this site never had the intestinal fortitude or self esteem to stick up for herself, and the guy she wants back is needy, insecure, and immature. Both of them are a mess and are the human embodiment of oil and water (pissed at not getting a backrub- give me a break… although RCR I am sure you can empathize). Honestly, you would have better luck mixing in an albino at the million man march than trying to make these two work out.
BTW- Homeimprovementninja- there is a lot of depth in your simile- I am overwhelmed by its sheer complexity. Not only is it illustrative of a well defined control of the English language and imbues your beautiful use of diction and the available lexicon, but also readily displays your fascination with 14 year old girls… This must be your preview for getting caught in a Dateline sting operation for peds… Congrats.
Comment by puzzled poster on 02/25/06.
When will women learn a guy just wants to hear no bitching and that he is needed along with eat,sleep,shit,sex and not in that order:-)
Comment by Anonymous on 02/27/06.
Chick, YOU are the PROBLEM!
My advice is for you to go live in a South American country, learn the culture, and more importantly study how desirable females behave.
Comment by Cock Diesel on 02/27/06.
When did this girl ever imply that she was whiny “type”? Feeling like someone doesnt like you is a good reason to break up with someone…even if it ends up hurting. Wanting to take it back means something- it means you still care. Just make sure he does too.
A “desirable female” as the above post asks you to be is just ludicrous. You are allowed to make a mistake. You can be desirable and express needs. Just maybe express them better next time?
Out of curiosity, DCB, define “quality guy” and does that mean “boyfriend material” or “just a good lay if you happen to be horny”?
Comment by Anonymous on 02/28/06.
“Quality guy” is defined as a dude who taps you on the back of the head when he is about to fire his yogurt canon into your mouth- the courtesy goes a long way…
