My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little more than a year. Everything is going really well. He is very affectionate, we have met each other’s parents, taken small trips together, have a decent sex life, etc. He calls me at least twice a day at work, I call him every night before I go to bed if we are not together.
We plan for future events as far as 4 months ahead (nothing has come up where we have had to think farther ahead, but I don’t think either of us would have an issue with that.) The only problem is, he has not told me he loves me. I have not pressured him about this in the least, but I am thinking that if we get to the year mark and he doesn’t say it, I will be forced to break up with him. (Not to put an arbitrary time limit on such a thing, but come on!) I would of course explain to him my reasons for ending things, but what gives? He told me he has only told one other girl that he loves her. He is 33 and he has been in at least 5 long-term serious relationships.
I’m 29, I’m attractive, fun, not marriage crazy, sweet, etc. (All not just in my own opinion). Any insight and advice would be most appreciated! Thank you!
Kathryn says,
Have you said “I love you” to him? If his reaction was “I’ve only told that to one other person,” I’m inclined to say he’s not thinking of you in what I like to call The Super Long-Term. He’s committed to you somewhat long-term, as evidenced by near-future plans, parental meetings, boyfriendly calls, etc. But as far as Love, Marriage, etc…. I don’t think he’s there yet.
Can you live with that? Do you have to have the words to feel good about this relationship, or are the actions enough? Because if you need the words, and you ask for them before he’s ready to say them, you may drive him away. You should decide whether it’s worth it first.
DCB says,
It’s over. The reason I say that is because you will never be satisfied until he says it, and there is nothing you said that indicated he will. Okay maybe it’s not over, but one year is a long time. Love isn’t a tree that takes a decade to grow… you should know within a few months how you feel.
Talk to him about it and tell him it’s really bothering you. If he wants to keep you, he will say he loves you even if he doesn’t mean it, out of fear that he may lose you. A refusal to say it on his part even after you nagged about it means that he doesn’t love you, and probably never will..
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I had a friend who had something like this happen to her and she ended up really getting dicked over.
Honestly- I am a guy who advocates waiting on using the L-word, but this is over the top. The bottom line is that for this guy you are probably ms. right now and not ms. right.
Comment by Anon on 02/13/06.
1 year is nothing. He probably wants to take his time to make sure. He said he had fallen in love before. So he knows when that feeling comes. He is probably taking it slow. It is hard to fall in love twice expecially being in love for the first time. You would be more cautious.
Comment by Anonymous on 02/13/06.
Saying “I Love You” is so over-used, especially during THIS WEEK, that its power is diluted. I think this guy in question withholds those words because, as seemed indicated in your email, 4 relationships haven’t worked out, and hes only said that he loves someone once.
If you need to hear those words, then YOU, not him, have the problem. If you needed to hear those words, then you’d have already had a frank conversation than emailing DCB and Kathyrn.
Depending on how his relationships ended, he would have ample evidence to be more cautious with his words. Speaking from my own experience, I became much more guarded with this phrase after a particularly long-term engagement was nastily broken off.
Finally, if you were “Ms. Right Now” he would have dumped you at the first passing of a hotter Ms. Right. Since you’ve been together for a year, this is not the case.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill, and you will likely cause a breakup when you broach the subject to him in an ill-timed moment.
Comment by Stephen on 02/13/06.
stephen is 100% right. after failed realtionships people are much more guarded. also you had better be really sure you want to bring this up. if it really bothers you then you need to resolve it, bearing in mind that may mean ending things. sad that you need to hear that and can’t accept his actions speaking louder than words.
Comment by anon on 02/13/06.
I’m with stephen on this one. I am one of those guys who withholds the L-word and is very selective about it (like that guy, I’ve told only one girl that I loved her).
And EVEN if I loved the woman that I’m with, I would not say it too often… I want the meaning to stay there and not dilute it.
To the original writer: You say he is affectionate. Has it occurred to you that it is HIS way of saying that he loves you and wants to be with you? Have you been ignoring that because the words “I love you” doesn’t roll out of his mouth? Have you even told him that you loved him? If not, he might be waiting for you to say it because he doesn’t want to say it first and have you eventually dump him. Would you really want your guy to be saying “I love you” everyday, everytime he calls, everytime he sees you, everytime you say bye? If he does this and wear his heart on his sleeve, I bet 100 bucks that those words will lose meaning… you’ll get bored, and then you’d eventually dump him for a more mysterious, tight-lipped gentleman who bases almost ALL of his feelings in his actions, and not words?
Comment by nabeel on 02/13/06.
I’m a fairly nonverbal sort. I think about what I’m going to say (or write) and condense it into the smallest packet possible. Even my first girlfriend rarely got an official verbal “I love you”. The very fact that I was there should have told her what she needed to know. Luckily for me she understood that.
Now, solutions.
1) You can keep quiet and accept that you love him and he’s sticking with you and you have it better than a lot of people.
2) You can stop trying to communicate by means of analyzing his every syllable and actually ask him if he loves you.
3) You can get worked up about three little words until finally you snap and rip him a new one and walk out of his life while he stands there wondering what the hell just happened.
I suggest 2 followed by 1.
Just because he doesn’t verbalize it doesn’t mean he’s not saying it.
Comment by Ibid on 02/13/06.
I’m more of an “actions speak louder than words” person myself, but I understand that people have different “love languages” (great book, “The Five Love Languages”) and this gal may just need to hear it in order to feel truly loved. Some people really needs words of encouragement, and others express love by spending doing things - acts of service. The other 3: gifts, quality time, and physical touch. We aren’t all the same.
It sounds like she really needs a second round of the “define the relationship” conversations. I could see feeling uneasy if you don’t know where the relationship is going. But if you know where the relationship is heading and you just need to hear those words, that’s a whole other issue.
This touches on whether or not you should do something merely to make the other person happy. IMO, being disingenuous to keep someone is not love. So the answer may be that if he doesn’t articulate it now, he may not love her - but never will? I think that’s too harsh. Or maybe he does love her, but not enough to conquer his own fears, and it’s not good enough for her.
That said, it would have been more appropriate for her to have had this conversation with him rather than FDDC. But we must thank her for the fodder.
Well, the question here is: does he love you? At 29, I presume you’ve been in enough relationships to be able to tell when someone’s in love with you. It’s usually pretty obvious. So if you feel that he is in love with you, then what do the words matter? I would let it go. If you don’t know whether he’s in love with you, then you should stop worrying about the words and start worrying about the relationship. As DCB said, it only takes a few months to tell where the relationship is going.
magic 8 ball says…NO
and what if he does say “I Love You”. you’ll be back here wondering why he hasn’t asked you to marry you, and then why he doesn’t want to have children, and why didn’t he tell me he was gay..etc. it never ends with you, does it. chill. go get laid.
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