Hey there,
A question on the protocol of casually dating more than one person…. I recently went on two first dates, both promising, with future dates in the works. My usual M.O. when it comes to dating is to keep any expectations of exclusivity or commitment very, very low and assume the guy is seeing other people until things start heading towards intimacy, at which time some discussion should be had (if only for safety’s sake). It’s worked so far, but only because I haven’t really found myself interested in more than one person at a time. Now that I might be, my views haven’t changed, but I’m not sure how to account for time spent with the “other guy.” If Boy A asks in conversation what I was up to last weekend, do I mention that I went on a date with Boy B, try to get by with saying it was dinner with a friend, or not bring it up at all? I don’t want to act like I have anything to hide, but I don’t want to catch an interested guy off guard by bringing up other dates.
It might be wishful thinking to assume things with either guy will progress to the point where this will matter, but I’d like to avoid awkwardness if at all possible.
Thanks!
A.V.M.
Kathryn says,
Don’t forget that men find women who maintain at least some level of mystery more interesting than ones who blurt out everything about themselves right away. That said,
1. Never, ever volunteer information about other dates to guys you are interested in, unless they directly ask you.
2. If they do ask you what you did on a specific day, don’t lie, but say something like, “I went out for dinner and drinks,” rather than “I had a date. We went to dinner and had drinks.”
3. If they push farther and ask who you went out for dinner and drinks with, then yes, say, “a friend.”
If they keep pushing for details, I’d be a bit concerned. Most reasonable men with whom you do not have a serious commitment will get the hint that it was a date and let it go. I have yet to meet a rational, sane man who sincerely wants to know all about his love interests’ dates with other men. I hope it all goes well and that you are able to have your pick of your suitors whenever you are ready.
DCB says,
First thing I want to say is that I resent you for adopting the spinster view of dating. Dating multiple guys at once? Why? I don’t like it when girls waste a man’s money and time so she can tell her friends how desired she is. Unless of course you are rewarding these guys with hot sex then please keep doing what you’re doing.
This line scares me the most: “I don?t want to catch an interested guy off guard by bringing up other dates.” Translation: “I don’t want to scare away these men and end the free ride of food, drink, and attention.
That said, it’s none of your date’s business who you date, especially when you are not exclusive. And offering up that information is just a weak attempt to make him jealous. I don’t recommend lying, but sometimes its appropriate when you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. Though that’s more of a concern for the guy than the girl. Date away, but don’t be surprised if the only worthy man in the bunch dumps your ass because he thinks he’s being played.
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“Date away, but don?t be surprised if the only worthy man in the bunch dumps your ass because he thinks he?s being played”
My sentiments exactly. A man with a good head on his shoulders knows that he doesn’t need to compete with the other guys you’re dating. Unless of course he’s dating a couple of other women aside from her.
Comment by Andy on 02/07/06.
At what point do you have to fess up to seeing more than one guy? Can you have hot sex with both and not let them know you’re seeing other people? Or is that the point you have to tell them? (Assume you’re being as safe as you can be with both.) Is an actual discussion required for the relationahip to be exclusive, i.e., is it splitting hairs too much to believe that as long as you haven’t had an actual discussion, you’re not being unfair to either?
Comment by Sarah on 02/07/06.
i hate hate hate those excuses like: “out with a freind”. Just wish women would say what the deal is..men aren’t THAT dumb. No one likes to be the backup guy/girl and to me that makes everyone involved the “backup”…appart from the serial dater
Comment by anonEmouse on 02/07/06.
“Date away, but don?t be surprised if the only worthy man in the bunch dumps your ass because he thinks he?s being played”
Bravo DCB! Keep on keeping it real my brotha. Look, Sarah’s question is on point, after 3-4 dates MAX, these guys will expect sex. Quality guys have choices in women and they are not going to wine and dine you endlessly while you make up your mind. Now, if you sleep with two men at the same time, ok, cool, because hell every guy longs to do the same. BUT once he catches on that you are sleeping with another man, you will be instantly conferred to ‘fuck buddy’ status and you will be forever disqualified from ’serious girlfriend’ status. Then we’ll have to read your post about how all the good men only want to booty call you at 1:00AM…
Comment by Chaco on 02/07/06.
Chaco -
Thanks for the clarification. I agree with everything you said except for the part about me ending up complaining about not being considered for serious g-f status. The reality is if I thought either one of the men were long-term/serious b-f potential, I probably wouldn’t be with both. I was just trying to decide if I’m being evil or if it’s okay. You shouldn’t assume that all girls really want to be “serious girlfriends”. We don’t.
I’m still curious about the actual discussion part. Do guys (or girls for that matter) assume the relationship is exclusive at a certain point? Or is it fair to believe that an actual discussion is required?
Comment by Sarah on 02/07/06.
You can’t assume. You have to have the talk, even if it’s a casual confirmation of the Ever So Obvious. The DTR (aka “Define the Relationship”) is a must.
I think both Kathryn and (oh my god I can’t believe I am saying this) DCB have a point. Although, it is not required for you to tell either guy that you are dating others, I do think you should Think of how he would feel. Just because you are not looking for anything serious right now, maybe he is. You don’t have to tell him everytime you go out on a date with the other man, but I feel that it is important to upfront and honest with these men. They would probably feel betrayed if they found out that you were dating someone else while they were being exclusive with you.
However, if they are cool with the casual dating thing…great! I think it is fantastic that you are out there enjoying dating and flirting. I wish more women would do the same.
Oh, and as far as Chaco’s statement, “…after 3-4 dates MAX, these guys will expect sex.” I think that is bullshit. I don’t think that most “quality” men go out with a woman thinking that if she doesn’t give it up by the 4th date, he’s going to dump her. If he does think that way…then he obviously is NOT a “quality” guy.
“I don?t think that most ?quality? men go out with a woman thinking that if she doesn?t give it up by the 4th date, he?s going to dump her.”
Absurd. Why wait for a girl to put out when an equally funny and attractive girl doesn’t have the same sexual hang-ups? It’s not much of a decision.
Comment by DCB on 02/07/06.
I would never go on a second date if I hadn’t 1) already got some 2) had a huge fire lit under me during date #1.
Who are these men who are happy to slave away in these date salt mines? Do they carry their date’s purse around for them too?
“If he does think that way?then he obviously is NOT a ?quality? guy.”
Translation: If you aren’t willing to pay, you’re not quality.
Comment by Muffin on 02/07/06.
“Absurd. Why wait for a girl to put out when an equally funny and attractive girl doesn?t have the same sexual hang-ups? It?s not much of a decision.”
I knew I was going to regret agreeing with you. Listen, DCB, I don’t think every guy goes out with a woman waiting to “score”. Some men, unlike you evidently, actually like getting to know a woman and building a foundation before having sex. What I think is absurd, is that you think men only go out on dates so they can get some. Please. Maybe young boys like yourself, but not real men.
As for you Muffin, you won’t go out on a seond date if you haven’t gotten some? Wow!
“Translation: If you aren?t willing to pay, you?re not quality.”…what is that about? Women pay for dates as well! Not just that, but dating doesn’t always have to involve spending money. Some of the best dates I’ve had involved spending little to no money.
Who are you people? Who dates just for sex? Most people date someone because they are interested in them would like to get to know them better…not because they are trying to fuck them. How about a little respect? If you are just interested in banging as many people as possible…don’t date them. Don’t take them out. Don’t pretend that you may be interested in them, but only if they put out by the 4th date. How pathetic! If you are just interested in sex…get a prostitute because I am sure most of the women you are dating would rather not be treated like one. Oh right, you will respect her after she puts out, right? Please…
A worthy man will ask you to be exclusive. till then, he is dating others and you should be also!
Comment by chicgirl on 02/07/06.
I didn’t say I expect sex on the second date. I said I expect sexual tension and foreshadowing by the second date. I *expect* sex by the third date.
Otherwise Chase, your post is just juvinile. You must either be a) A man or b) over 40 to come off so clueless about modern women.
“How about a little respect?” … “Oh right, you will respect her after she puts out, right?”
I don’t think I’ve heard these lines since high school.
“Don?t take them out. Don?t pretend that you may be interested in them, but only if they put out by the 4th date.”
Apparently you think sex and character are mutually exclusive. Interesting - disfunctional, but interesting.
“get a prostitute because I am sure most of the women you are dating would rather not be treated like one.”
Heh heh. Actually, I think a lot of the women I’ve dated would rather be treated like a prostitute.
In the really real world, I don’t have time to wait 4 weeks before some woman condescends to open up her panties for me - in fact the women I’ve dated don’t have time for that either. It works pretty well actually, I’ve had several satisfying long term relationships that started out as anonymous one-night stands. Sounds like you just aren’t having enough fun.
“I?m still curious about the actual discussion part. Do guys (or girls for that matter) assume the relationship is exclusive at a certain point? Or is it fair to believe that an actual discussion is required?”
No communication. Just assume it all. Heck, we’re all mindreaders right?
Sarah, men usually will not assume exclusivity until there has been a conversation, and most men won’t be the ones to start that convo (that would be your job). Most women assume that exclusivity automatically happens as soon as sex ocures, because most women won’t sleep with two different men. Note difference in the two standards and see how confusion and misunderstandings can arise.
Case, you have trouble finding and keeping good men, don’t you?
Comment by Chaco on 02/08/06.
“Some men, unlike you evidently, actually like getting to know a woman and building a foundation before having sex.”
How is three or four dates not a long enough time to do this?
Comment by Johnny5 on 02/08/06.
i cannot emphasize enough - the sex matters but it matters more that he like and respect you. if he wants to be with you - he will stick around, even if in an off and on fashion, cause men like to chase and they want what they want. 3 dates or 10 dates - doesnt matter if it is something that they really want.
Comment by chicgirl on 02/08/06.
If a woman is dating someone else, exclusively or not, seriously or not, I expect to be told before she says “yes, lets have dinner”. I really put myself out just to ask for the date in the first place. If I find out I’m just one of several people a woman is dating I’m going to assume that she’s playing all of us and walk away.
Comment by Ibid on 02/08/06.
Sarah said: “…if I thought either one of the men were long-term/serious b-f potential, I probably wouldn?t be with both.”
Then you ARE stringing them along. Even if there was only one of them, if you don’t think there’s a future then continuing to date them indicates you don’t care about their feelings anyway and are just in it for the free meals and attention so why worry about what you should tell them.
As for sex, I don’t expect a kiss before the third date. She may even spend the night a couple of times before we have sex. I date for the relationship, not for the booty. That said, excessively fat or ugly still gets nowhere.
Comment by Ibid on 02/08/06.
agreed with DCB 100%… none of anyone elses business.
Comment by nabeel on 02/08/06.
Muffin, I am a woman.
Chaco, I have been in a relationship for over 4 years.
Agree with the remarks about not going into information about them being dates, etc. unless pressed/sincerely asked for.
Let’s get honest about being honest. Often the reason for telling another preson that you’re dating multiple people isn’t because it’s some horrible lie (it’s not), it’s actually a way of manipulating the conversation into the direction of either (a) trying to elicit jealously or (b) trying to suss out the possibility of a monogomous relationship.
Frankly, I’m often dubious when someone rides a bit too high and mighty on some pure position of honesty as if that excuses all consequences and underlying motives. “People who are brutally honest get more satisfaction out of the bruality than out of the honesty.” — Richard Needham
Comment by Jake on 02/09/06.
I am so glad this topic has been brought up, yet after reading through all the comments, I am even more confused.
1. Why is it assumed that it’s the woman’s job to have the DTR? I HATE making a guy have the DTR. I think it makes it look like women are clingy and desparate. I feel like I’m begging vs. feeling wanted.
2. Until he tells me otherwise, I assume that the guy(s) I’m dating is seeing other people, whether we’ve slept together or not.
3. I have found that it’s the GUY that will assume that sleeping together means exclusivity because they don’t think a woman would sleep with someone while dating others. This is not true.
4. If at a certain point the guy finds out the girl is seeing other people, he’s all pouty and huffy and feels like you’ve betrayed him. vs. if the reverse were true, he’d say, “we never said we were exclusive.” What a double standard!
That said, I’m not going to invest myself too heavily in a relationship until it’s clear we’re both after the same thing (i.e. a committed, exclusive relationship). And it takes a pretty great guy to make me feel that he’s worth that kind of committment?
Just a thought…First, it really isn’t his business who you are dating, unless you have given him some indication that you are moving toward mutually excusive status or have agreed to it. If some guy is pressing about your time away from him, he is breaking the bounds of what’s acceptable unless you are a couple or have begun to discuss being a couple. When I have a first or second date, it is understood that we are just “dating” and I have no reasonable expectations of exclusivity. Now…if I had a few dates with a woman and felt that “tingle” of desire (no, not JUST physical), I would try the novel approach of TELLING her how I felt. If she didn’t seem interested in being exclusive, then I have to decide if I think it is something we can work toward, or if I think she is just playing me i.e. “free ride of dinner, movies, etc.”, or if it is time to move on. I’m just curious why people don’t simply tell other people how they feel? Just say “I really enjoy our company together, but I’m not ready for a commitment with you right now. I can see that developing though…” If he is too insecure to deal with that…he’s probably not in a healthy dating state anyway. If I were told that by someone I really wanted to be exclusive with then why would it be worth waiting another couple of weeks for? Just my thoughts…
V
Comment by Just Vince on 06/01/06.
V-
Cause people like lying or are too chicken to admit they’re inadequate and therefore have to lie to get what they want. It’s really just making the whole process difficult on each other. Like always finds like, and everyon’es happier and less fucked up/fucked over for it; it’s just a matter of being patient and honest.
Comment by Anonymous on 08/01/06.
I like to date one guy at a time for at least 3 to 4 dates, if I am interested, to get to know him to the point where I would know if he was someone I would want to be exclusive with or not. The last guy I dated brought up multiple dating two months in before we had had 3 dates but after over two months of emails and phone calls and the two dates we had were very promising. I think he just got scared because one week after the second date he said I was wanting a serious relationship but he wasn’t ready for that but he still wanted to date me and then he continued to communicate with me via email and phone for over a month more. I feel that he strung me along over this time with the potentiel of more dates but somehow for him (although he didn’t say this) the “third date” meant something and he was scared to go there. I, on the other hand, just wanted to get to know him and only face-to-face can I really do that. It wasn’t about sex after 3 or 4 dates — even though we didn’t talk about that, I am pretty confident that sex was a non-issue with him also this early. Once he said he wanted to date others, but still date me, things got weird between us. I don’t want to feel the pressure of being compared to other women while I am trying to get to know someone. Oh, I have gone out on dates early on with more than one guy, but not for extended periods of months and not with all of the written and phone communication going on. We hadn’t had the “exclusive” talk because I wasn’t thinking exclusive; I was thinking I need to go out with this guy a few more times to know him well enough so that I know if I really want to be exclusive or not. Multiple dating, while in theory might sound healthy, creates an atmoshpere where building emotional connections and truly getting to know the other person is, at best, delayed or more likely, prevented.
Money seems to skew this scenario among some men — that if money is spent, an obligation is established. That’s an observation.
So my question for the men who brought up money: Would your stance on exclusivity (or not) vary if money weren’t involved?
I say this as a woman who’s always paid her own way or alternated entertainment and dining expenses, from the first date onward and even while shacked up. My reasoning for this: I pay my own way from the start to not create false expectations. Then I keep paying because I make money, just like the guy, and there’s no freakin’ reason why women should expect to be equals in every other situation but when it comes to paying the bill.
In situations when one person makes more money than the other, I still pay. We will just have to do stuff I can afford. I figure it’s the same as being friends with varying incomes — you work it out in a friendly way. If someone better off feels comfortable treating, then it’s up to the less well-off person to decide whether he/she is comfortable accepting. But accepting doesn’t mean sex is obligated. I treat friends to stuff all the time. I don’t expect sex in return.
