I have been dating this guy for 6 months. He didn’t remember our 6 month anniversary (I didn’t remind him - what would the point have been?) But, he’s called me his girlfriend to friends, etc., and we have a pretty healthy relationship, ie we see each other a few times a week.
The other night after sex he asks me what I wanted to do for V-day. I said, “nothing”, meaning to imply he didnt need to worry about doing anything, b/c I could tell he wasn’t into it (ie he’s a man) On the actual day, perhaps I expected at least a call from him to say “hey happy v-day” or some shit. There was no call - there were texts, one of which said at the end - “btw, happy v-day”.
Not only does he not have the decency to pick up the phone and call, he insults me with a form of communication reserved for hooking up and/or making quick plans, and didn’t even mention coming over for a fuck. And yet he insists that he is still interested in dating me. Why can’t he just be honest and either make the relationship purely about sex or end it?
Kathryn says,
It sounds like you should be asking yourself something similar: Why can’t you be honest with him and ask him if the relationship is just about sex for him or if he feels like it’s going somewhere?
Although it does sound like he’s not putting a lot of effort and/or interest into your relationship, you don’t seem to be asking for any, even though that’s clearly what you want. You are keeping track of all the ways he’s “wronged” you and letting resentment build instead of talking about it with him like a grown-up. Recipe for disaster.
Please think about what you want (and how he is or isn’t providing it), then have a serious conversation with him about your findings. He may surprise you and be understanding and interested in making things work, or you may surprise yourself and discover you don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. Good luck.
DCB says,
Great use of the “I got you where I want you, you son-of-a-bitch” game. If your 6-month anniversary really was an important day, you would have mentioned it several times and planned an activity together. You remind me of the friend who never tells anyone his birthday, then gets all upset and mopey when it passes and no one remembers it.
The Valentine’s Day debacle was part of your doing. Sure he took your “nothing” answer to the extreme, but if you really meant what you said then you shouldn’t be upset that he didn’t make a big deal out of it. You are verbally communicating (or not communicating) one thing, and then get upset when he takes it literally. Either communicate clearly or continue playing games and getting upset. To him this is a real relationship and he’s just following your wishes. I have a feeling that he thinks everything is gravy. It definitely is not his fault that he can’t read your mind.
If you liked this post then I think you will like my Roosh's Game Tips Email Newsletter For Guys. It's completely free and your first newsletter will be about how to meet girls in coffee shops. Following that will be newsletters on getting phone numbers, dealing with flakes, teasing girls the right way, handling cockblockers, meeting girls in foreign countries, and a whole lot more. Your email address will always remain private and you can unsubscribe at any time. To sign up put your first name and email address below and click the button.
The Valentine’s Day thing is YOUR fault. If you said, you didn’t want to do anything, then don’t expect anything. It’s called logic. If you say one thing and want another, then you dear are playing games, games no man should put up with.
We’re not mind-readers. Hell, we can barely remember to put the seat down.
Comment by Stephen on 02/28/06.
The mind reading game is one of the worst game women play. If a relationship truly matters to you, then throw that thinking in the trash because I absolutely guarantee you that it will lead to nothing but disaster.
The test of whether a guy likes you or how good a mate he is is NOT whether he anticipates your every thought. And I know what you are thinking– why couldn’t HE want to do something on Valentine’s day? Go ahead and hold out for this man who is never coming. Ask most adults and they will tell you they hate Valentine’s Day. It’s an insepid holiday filled with trite cards and gifts along with overpriced dinners. You told this guy to go ahead and pass on this– so guess what, he did. Same with the anniversary. You could have at least said, “Guess what’s coming up? Our anniversary!” But no. You decided to test him and see if he would figure it out on his own. I think you oughta break up with this guy, but not because he is a jerk. I empathize with the poor bastard and want to help him out by freeing him of you.
Comment by Another Anon on 02/28/06.
Agreed with DCB this time. women shouldn’t expect men to read their minds, and the other two commentors pretty much took the words out of my mouth
As for the anniversary, why does it have to be EVERY MONTH or every 6 MONTHS? If done for every month, then the YEAR anniversary will lose almost all of its meaning. I would not do monthly anniversaries so that the year anniversary will remain special.
Comment by nabeel on 02/28/06.
I agree 100% with DCB/Kathryn and all of the comments.
Save everyone the trouble and just communicate what you want ? game playing is a fucking waste of time for all involved. Friends, boyfriends, co-workers, family members…no one is a mind reader. Be an adult and state your intentions and/or emotions clearly so everyone is on the same page.
And do couples (other than Juniors in High School) still celebrate 6 month anniversaries? Really? If you’re dating past the age of getting your driver’s license than you should really lose the month-by-month celebrations. And this is coming from a pretty cheesy, romantic, ?I love the color pink!? type of girl. Just saying.
Comment by Anon on 02/28/06.
Dear Lord, I pray that women all over Washington read DCB’s response to this woman and learn the value of direct, honest communication. Amen.
Comment by Chaco on 02/28/06.
“He asks me what I wanted to do for V-day. I said, ?nothing?”
“…I expected at least…”
You gotta be kidding.
Comment by Anonymous on 02/28/06.
Throw in the Whitesnake baby, because here you go again on your own… but make sure to sing along to the lyrics in the style of Corky from Life Goes On for that extra flava so you can hear how retarded you sound. Beep. Beep. It’s the short bus beeotch- step on in…
Why is it always the guy’s fault?! Why didn’t YOU do anything special for him like offer to play the rusty trombone or give him some hamster play on V Day? I suspect that this isn’t the first time such a malady has occurred in your life due to your predilection for communication as lucid as the toilet water at 3:00 am at Smith Point. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if you worked on the Iraq WMD intelligence report and handed the Intelligence Committee a blank piece of paper…
To be blunt- you are a fucking idiot for thinking that 6 months is a milestone worthy of acknowledgement. You are the type of woman who will have a kid (likely out of wedlock given your alacrity for stupid acts), and refer to your child as 192 months old, when the bastard is 16 years old. This is my son Johnny, he is 5,840 days old. Upset about a six month anniversary… professional help is a callin’, and I suggest you answer the phone immediately!
For your knowledge (and God knows you need it), anniversary is defined as “The annually recurring date of a past event, especially one of historical, national, or personal importance.” ANNUAL, not semi-annual. Leave the poor bastard alone, don’t subject him to your relationship complaints, get back on the Clozapine, and relish your third place finish in the middle school science fair, because that is the only success you will have in life per your stellar communication skills. Hugs…
Comment by puzzled poster on 02/28/06.
HAHAHAHA! 6 month anniversary?!?!? That?s lame, especially since you guys haven?t even declared monogamy.
And what did you do for him for your 6 month anniversary?
What did you do for him on Valentines Day?
From a guy?s perspective your relationship is ideal. No commitment, no gifts, and 6 months of hot sex. In my book, you are an AWESOME chick, why do you want to mess things up by whining about alleged anniversaries and lame holidays?
You should continue this beautiful relationship by shutting your mouth and by keeping your legs open.
Comment by Cock Diesel on 02/28/06.
Back in high school when your world was based around clothes and makeup and getting boys and trivialities like that your 1, 2, 3, 6, and 12 month anniversaries might have mattered. But now the real world has set in (clearly I’m assuming you’re out of high school) and you really should have better things to worry about.
You might want to encourage your boyfriend to watch more TV. If he watched more sitcoms he’d realize that when you said “nothing” you were lying. It was slimy of you and idiotic on him.
Frankly, if I were dating you I’d dump you for either offense. But my standards are probably a bit high.
Other tips on communicating with him.
1) Since you’re dating and not actually married you should probably discuss, with HIM, exactly what day your “anniversary” is so he’ll have some warning before missing the one year anniversary.
2) When he asks “What do you want for Christmas” he means “Tell me what you want for Christmas”. If you say “nothing” then you’ll get nothing. If you say “ear rings” you’ll get ear rings.
3) When he asks “What do you want for your birthday” he means “Tell me what you want for your birthday”. If you say “nothing” then you’ll get nothing. If you say “ear rings” you’ll get ear rings.
4) If he doesn’t ask you “What do you want for your birthday” it would be a great idea to tell him when your birthday is. When asked he might know the date but not realize it’s coming up.
Comment by Ibid on 02/28/06.
I feel the need to restate something DCB has said many times on his site, which is a valuable lesson for this advice seeker. Do not test people. It is extremely annoying, extremely insulting, and generally a huge waste of time for both of you. This is precisely what you are doing in this case. You have a number of tests that you are subjecting this guy to in order to see if he “really likes you” and you seem to have a number of ground rules for these tests (which I think a large number of females share) one of which is that he can’t know the test is going on until after he has failed it.
Ibid has it straight on– if you want something, communicate it. Funny enough I have talked to many women who feel the same way you do, but from that experience I can tell you this: their insistence to maintain this type of thinking ultimately led to major problems in their relationships or simply the demise of those relationships.
Do not take this personally, but take it to heart: you need to grow up. Or at the very least you need to figure out what you want so that you can tell other people. If you want a serious BF with all the trappings, don’t be childish enough to expect that to materialize out of a casual hookup without some explicit help or encouragement from you.
