First Date DC

“but seriously, when should i call?”
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February 13, 2006

Does he love me?

Anonymous says,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little more than a year. Everything is going really well. He is very affectionate, we have met each other’s parents, taken small trips together, have a decent sex life, etc. He calls me at least twice a day at work, I call him every night before I go to bed if we are not together.

We plan for future events as far as 4 months ahead (nothing has come up where we have had to think farther ahead, but I don’t think either of us would have an issue with that.) The only problem is, he has not told me he loves me. I have not pressured him about this in the least, but I am thinking that if we get to the year mark and he doesn’t say it, I will be forced to break up with him. (Not to put an arbitrary time limit on such a thing, but come on!) I would of course explain to him my reasons for ending things, but what gives? He told me he has only told one other girl that he loves her. He is 33 and he has been in at least 5 long-term serious relationships.

I’m 29, I’m attractive, fun, not marriage crazy, sweet, etc. (All not just in my own opinion). Any insight and advice would be most appreciated! Thank you!

Kathryn says,

Have you said “I love you” to him? If his reaction was “I’ve only told that to one other person,” I’m inclined to say he’s not thinking of you in what I like to call The Super Long-Term. He’s committed to you somewhat long-term, as evidenced by near-future plans, parental meetings, boyfriendly calls, etc. But as far as Love, Marriage, etc…. I don’t think he’s there yet.

Can you live with that? Do you have to have the words to feel good about this relationship, or are the actions enough? Because if you need the words, and you ask for them before he’s ready to say them, you may drive him away. You should decide whether it’s worth it first.

DCB says,

It’s over. The reason I say that is because you will never be satisfied until he says it, and there is nothing you said that indicated he will. Okay maybe it’s not over, but one year is a long time. Love isn’t a tree that takes a decade to grow… you should know within a few months how you feel.

Talk to him about it and tell him it’s really bothering you. If he wants to keep you, he will say he loves you even if he doesn’t mean it, out of fear that he may lose you. A refusal to say it on his part even after you nagged about it means that he doesn’t love you, and probably never will..

February 10, 2006

The ultimate dream goal

Vicky_Valencourt says,

I appreciate the joint venture. My question: Where do people go to meet with the ultimate goal of dating? Not “married immediately with four children in Reston” dating or “what was your last name again? no matter, here we are at my studio” dating, but just…”you’re funny and attractive, let’s see where this goes” dating. I’m looking to meet guys in the 26-35 range, if that makes any difference.

DCB says,

I’m not sure if your question is code for “Where can I meet a guy to date and have sex” or something else because you don’t mention long-term goals. I can tell you right now that 75% of guys already are going out with the sole intention of dating and nothing more, so you really shouldn’t have a hard time.

Dress in your sluttiest outfit and go to Rumors or any of the other crapholes within a 4 block radius. You will be hit on even if you are not that good looking, and the guys will definitely date you by taking you out for drinks and then trying to get in your pants.

Kathryn says,

I think DCB’s plan would quite quickly land you in the “what was your last name again?” school of dating. They don’t call that area the Herpes Triangle for kicks!

The only place you can go and absolutely, without a doubt guarantee that the other people are there to date and see where things might go are paid dedicated dating events. Speed dating, singles happy hours, dating services… any of these would work. There is no way someone just looking for notches would go through the trouble and expense of one of these events.

If that type of event doesn’t appeal to you, I’m afraid you have to cast your lot with the rest of us on the chance that a guy you meet out & about could be of the marrying, the dating, or the banging mindset. You can improve your odds, however, by frequenting nicer bars and lounges with cover charges, expanding your social network, attending events and parties outside your normal circle, and refusing obvious booty calls.

February 9, 2006

Sleep around stage

sweetjenny writes,

Do guys really have to go through that sleep around stage before they can committ? How long does this last? Do you think it’s timing or the right girl that causes that player stage to stop? I have been told recently by a guy I’m dating, it’s not you I’m just not at the same point in my life, but you’re the girl I want to be with in a year. What’s your take, any advice?

DCB says,

1. Yes, especially if he is a quality man. 2. A month or two, sometimes indefinitely. 3. Right girl.

Your guy is just being nice. If you were the right girl for him who knocked his socks off, he wouldn’t be so interested in dating other girls. Remember, whatever a guy says to you are lies and you should just chalk it up and sleep with his best friend. There are other fish in the sea, etc. etc.

Kathryn says,

I think most guys may have a “sowing the wild oats” stage, but I seriously doubt a guy would be aware of it as he’s going through it, and have an endpoint in mind for his sleeping around. In other words, he was probably letting you down easy. If he was really fired up to be with you, he’d have no problem committing to just you. Sorry. In a few weeks you’ll realize all the ways you didn’t like him, either.

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February 8, 2006

Freshly single

A guy writes,

Just got out of a long term relationship. Durning the last few months of it, this casual friend has been giving me signals - long innapropriate eye contact, little games (”we should make out!” right before the zooms in for a fake kiss), etc etc.

So of course now that I’m freshly single I’m in to it & looking for a distraction. I rolled in to the bar she works in (on a night she doesn’t normally work). She’s there, we hang, good conversation ensues etc. Everything is working and it gets late so I try to escalate (”Another drink or do you need a ride home?”). She says she’s got afterhours plans and doesn’t invite me. So I’m making my exit and she’s talking about how, “… you have to stop by again when I work” so I jokingly throw out, “I’m never coming here again! I gave you your shot and you blew it!” Which seemed a little harsh the next morning.

So now I’m trying to decide - drop by the joint in question as suggested, or just bail on her for now?

DCB says,

Isolation, isolation, isolation. You have to get this girl alone in a place that serves alcohol. Which means you are going to have to take a risk and ask her out. My suggestion is to keep it vague but obvious: “What are you doing this week… I heard about this new lounge that is supposed to be good… I think we should check it out.” If she continues to refuse attempts by you to isolate (like at the bar), then she is just in some retarded fantasy. If you really want her, just bring a date to the bar she works out with and make sure you are having a GREAT time. She will be after you pretty quick.

(By the way I don’t think your joke was harsh at all. It may help her realize that your time is being wasted.)

Kathryn says,

There could be a few things going on with your friend. She either

a) thinks of you as a prospect for a real relationship, senses you are only “looking for a distraction,” and is avoiding situations where you’d think of her as only a hook-up OR

b) never really wanted to do anything more than flirt with you, and now that you’re single, is avoiding situations where more could happen. OR

c) really did have afterhours plans this ONE time that you couldn’t attend and you are really blowing things out of proportion - what a girl!

The only way to find out which of these is her situation is to ask her out. If you are only looking to hook up, do it DCB’s way. If you might want to date her, take her out to dinner. Please report back on the outcome.

February 7, 2006

Juggling

A.V.M. writes,

Hey there,
A question on the protocol of casually dating more than one person…. I recently went on two first dates, both promising, with future dates in the works. My usual M.O. when it comes to dating is to keep any expectations of exclusivity or commitment very, very low and assume the guy is seeing other people until things start heading towards intimacy, at which time some discussion should be had (if only for safety’s sake). It’s worked so far, but only because I haven’t really found myself interested in more than one person at a time. Now that I might be, my views haven’t changed, but I’m not sure how to account for time spent with the “other guy.” If Boy A asks in conversation what I was up to last weekend, do I mention that I went on a date with Boy B, try to get by with saying it was dinner with a friend, or not bring it up at all? I don’t want to act like I have anything to hide, but I don’t want to catch an interested guy off guard by bringing up other dates.

It might be wishful thinking to assume things with either guy will progress to the point where this will matter, but I’d like to avoid awkwardness if at all possible.

Thanks!
A.V.M.

Kathryn says,

Don’t forget that men find women who maintain at least some level of mystery more interesting than ones who blurt out everything about themselves right away. That said,
1. Never, ever volunteer information about other dates to guys you are interested in, unless they directly ask you.
2. If they do ask you what you did on a specific day, don’t lie, but say something like, “I went out for dinner and drinks,” rather than “I had a date. We went to dinner and had drinks.”
3. If they push farther and ask who you went out for dinner and drinks with, then yes, say, “a friend.”

If they keep pushing for details, I’d be a bit concerned. Most reasonable men with whom you do not have a serious commitment will get the hint that it was a date and let it go. I have yet to meet a rational, sane man who sincerely wants to know all about his love interests’ dates with other men. I hope it all goes well and that you are able to have your pick of your suitors whenever you are ready.

DCB says,

First thing I want to say is that I resent you for adopting the spinster view of dating. Dating multiple guys at once? Why? I don’t like it when girls waste a man’s money and time so she can tell her friends how desired she is. Unless of course you are rewarding these guys with hot sex then please keep doing what you’re doing.

This line scares me the most: “I don?t want to catch an interested guy off guard by bringing up other dates.” Translation: “I don’t want to scare away these men and end the free ride of food, drink, and attention.

That said, it’s none of your date’s business who you date, especially when you are not exclusive. And offering up that information is just a weak attempt to make him jealous. I don’t recommend lying, but sometimes its appropriate when you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. Though that’s more of a concern for the guy than the girl. Date away, but don’t be surprised if the only worthy man in the bunch dumps your ass because he thinks he’s being played.

February 6, 2006

Facebook

ss asks,

i found this hot girl on facebook and i was trying to figure how i could approach her in the offchance i would see her walking to class or something

Kathryn says,

Ew. Ew. Ew. If this girl is really hot, chances are creepy guys approach her all the time both online and off. Unless you are Andy Roddick (and why would you be, trolling for chicks on Facebook and then writing us to ask what to do about it?), I’d wager she will not greet your approach with excitement or interest. It happens to her every day.

If your path naturally happens to cross hers (no stalking, please), I’d suggest a sincere smile and hello. See how she reacts. If she lowers her eyes, looks back up with a smile and says “hi” back, keep doing it whenever you see her around. This will make you seem mysterious, cool, and anything but desperate. You’ll enter her conscious mind, very subtly. Next level: try to go to a party or bar she might attend, then do the same hello, but turn it into a conversation. If that goes well, take it to the final level: ask her out. I hope you make it this far.

DCB says,

Dear Stalker Boy,

You are pining over a girl on the internet that you’ve never seen in person? Have you even sent her a message? Do you exist in her world? I’m going to give you advice but I’m sure you won’t know what to do with it.

If you run into her, give an enthusiastic “HEY!!” and gauge her response. If she doesn’t reach for her phone to call 911, tell her “You look really familiar,” with a confused look on your face. Of course she will not know who you are, so add “Facebook!” If she doesn’t walk away instantly, you may resume an interesting conversation about some things you know really well… like the new exhaust system you and your buddies installed in your civic.

February 3, 2006

DC Guys

Struggling Girl in DC writes,

OK, guys. Here’s one for you. How does a nice, very-recently 30, successful, attractive (at least my friends say so), but most of all well-read and outspoken woman meet a good man in Washington? Honestly, all of the guys I’ve gone out with here either want someone that they can text at 1:00am for a booty call or they want someone who shuts up and whose only goal in life is to feed his already over-inflated ego. It’s weird because when I’m in other cities, I have no problems meeting men but something about DC changes things. I think it may have something to do with the number of single women vs. single men but I also think it has something to do with the mentality of men around here thinking they don’t have to try. I’m from the South so “trying” for men is just something I grew up expecting but, most of all, I just want to find a guy who acts LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!! I know I’m not alone in this because my other single girlfriends feel the same. Any advice???

Kathryn says,

Oh, Girl. I wish I didn’t struggle with this myself, as it would make answering you so much easier.

The easy part: ignore the booty callers and the arm candy hunters. I know you can’t always tell up-front, but as soon as you figure it out, run from the bad ones. Just cut them out of your life. The less time you spend around those types, the less likely you are to meet more of the same.

The harder part, of course, is finding where to meet the good kind of man. Some people will tell you to do volunteer work, sign up with eHarmony, go to church, or join a book club. Any of those could work, sure. But you could meet a good guy just about anywhere. What has worked best for me is expanding my social network. I make as many friends and acquaintances as possible (usually more of the latter, of course), and accept as many party and happy hour invitations as I reasonably can. I love the friend-of-a-friend connection as it tends to weed out some of the trashier guys. SOME. My theory is, if they know they’ll see you around regularly, they are less likely to ask you out if they are only interested in a booty call. You also get a greater frame of reference; you see how he publicly treats women, perhaps learn a bit about his past relationships and dates, and can always ask a friend for a second opinion.

Let us know how it goes.

DCB says,

You answered your own question. You must move. If what you want is not in this city, why stay? Put in your 1-2 years for resume building, and go somewhere else where you will have an easier time meeting someone. I know this may sound like extreme advice, but you are 30 and it will only get worse, especially as your looks fade and guys freak out that you are ready to settle down.

Kathryn’s advice is swell but is time consuming, boring, and unpredictable. Go where the men are, and let them come to you. As a woman you shouldn’t have to put in that much work to meet a man (assuming you are not ugly).

As much as it sucks for you, I personally wouldn’t change a damn thing about this town. The loser men you speak of keep me in business.

February 2, 2006

So 10 years later…

Confused in NC says,

I dated this guy in college that turned out to be a real jerk, only it took me 3 years to figure that out. We broke up and moved on but I always missed hanging out with his friends. A few months ago (10 year later) I ran into one of them at a concert and we traded phone numbers so we could grab a bite to eat and catch up. I didn’t hear from him for months. Suddenly he started sending text messages to my phone and chatting with me every night. He started asking me to do things such as go to parties, concerts, etc., all at the last minute. I of course declined because I am a busy lady who needs a little notice. On one occasion I became suspicious that he was trying to get me back with my ex when he invited me to a party and said “everyone wants to see you”. I asked if the ex was there and stated that I really didn’t want to see him again. He got all defensive and asked why I would ask such a thing and never would say if he was there or not. In a nut shell we haven’t really talked about him again.

The text messages and phone calls are continuing every night and he asked me way in advance to go with him to a wedding because he said he needs a date. (yes I know this can be a friend thing but it can also be a non-friend thing) He also makes odd comments, for example he called me one evening and asked what I was doing. I said I am laying in bed reading a book to which he responded….”that’s a hot image!” (in a non-joking tone) I’m starting to think that he wants to date instead of be friends because he is devoting so much time to calling me, but we haven’t had a conversation about the ex. I know this sounds silly, and I dated that guy 10 years ago, but isn’t there some kind of unspoken rule with guys that you don’t date any of their exes? In addition, I worry if I date the friend that the ex will be psycho since he was while we were dating and after we broke up. On the other hand, he could just want to be friends…what do you think?

Kathryn says,

Friend clearly likes you. That’s painfully obvious. He is putting in overtime to text you, call you, try and hang out with you… without ever mentioning Psycho Ex. If he really had an agenda to get you to hang out with Ex, he’d have brought him up a lot more by now. And if he didn’t like you, he’d have given up on trying on Ex’s behalf quite a while ago.

I think the likely reason for his irritation/defensiveness when you dismissed the party due to the possibility of Ex being there is the whole Don’t Date Friends’ Ex-Girlfriends thing. Similarly, asking you to do things last-minute may be an attempt to make things feel more casual. He may just feel a bit funny about feeling a bit romantic about you. But if ten years have passed, I think the statute of limitations has run out. Unless, of course, Ex is still obsessed with you and Friend is still hanging out with him a lot. This is what we need to find out.

One question: If Friend were truly interested in you and didn’t hang out with Ex very much anymore and didn’t want to orchestrate a run-in between the two of you, would you want to go on a date with him? If the answer is no, I’d stop answering calls and texts. If it’s yes, get the Ex issue out in the open and get together!!

A suggested approach: in one of your conversations, can you casually tell a “funny” story about Ex with Friend? Then, as you finish the story, say something like, “ah, God, that was funny. I wonder whatever happened to Ex. Do you ever see him around?” I think you should bring him up in a very non-threatening way (as opposed to, “Ex won’t be there, will he?”) and see how Friend reacts. Good luck.

DCB says,

Oh wow are you kidding. I’m 100% sure the friend wants to bang you. Your theory of him wanting to hook you up back with the ex is way left field. Wayyyy left field. Yeah he calls you every day and texts you for his buddy.

You are obviously interested in this friend (along with other friends of the ex) or else you wouldn’t keep communicating with him. Perhaps your reluctance to think of him as a potential boyfriend is causing him to think twice about making a move? Or maybe he’s too scared to make a move because he knows how much shit he would get from all his friends about hooking up with a buddy’s ex.

Also, worrying that the ex will go psycho after TEN years is flattering and all, but I have a feeling he has moved on. You should too. If you like a guy, then date him. In this case the burden is on the friend, who seems to need some encouragement to ask you out. You are making it way too easy on him, especially if you talk so frequently and he still hasn’t asked you out yet. Let him work for it. He’s treating you as a side project and you don’t seem to mind. Don’t repond to his texts and end conversations much earlier than usual. The goal is to make him want more and ask for the date.

If the ex shows up on the date then I guess you can say he hasn’t moved on.

February 1, 2006

Easy way out

Wants Easy Way Out writes,

What is the best way to tell a guy you have been casually dating (i.e. for a
month, less than 10 dates) that you don’t want to see him anymore?

Is it better to just keep saying “no” until he finally stops asking?

Or better to just say “hey, I don’t think this is working out?”

And, if he asks what is wrong, or why…what is the best response?

He’s nice, but it’s just not there. I would be friends with him and go to an occasional movie or whatnot, or even be FWB…but not sure he can do that (think he wanted to be bf/gf).

How do I handle this?

Kathryn says,

So you’ve had close to 10 dates, I assume. That means you do really need to have a face-to-face breakup, even if you aren’t intimate, haven’t had the DTR, and haven’t been “serious” about each other. There’s a time investment that should be respected.

But the good news is, this doesn’t have to be a major talk for hours with tears and emotions and whatnot. I say, take care of this at the end of your next date (just make sure you pay, and that it’s something non-time-intensive, like just dinner). Usually, you make plans for seeing each other the next time at this point; as this conversation starts, say, although you really enjoy hanging out with him and are attracted to him, you don’t want to continue having “dates.” Say you don’t feel you want to be in a relationship right now, and that seems to be where you guys are headed. See how he responds. If he truly does want to be bf/gf, he’ll say so, and express his disappointment. If he would settle for FWB, I’m sure he’ll say something along the lines of he wants to keep it casual, too. Either way, in a few minutes, you should be out of the car with your answer, relatively pain-free. Let us know how it goes.

DCB says,

Yeah you could do what Kathryn says, but that is a whole lot of breakup work for only 10 dates. I like to take the bandaid approach to dating breakups to minimize personal discomfort. While it is a little different for a guy, here’s an easy three-step process for a woman (now without guilt!!):

1. Cease all phone communication. If he leaves a message, delete it without listening to make it easier on you.
2. Set up a mail filter that directs all his emails to your trash folder. Out of sight, out of mind.
3. Do not read his text messages. See no evil, hear no evil.

Basically he no longer exists in your world. He will get the hint after a few dozen phone calls, unless he is a crazy psycho-stalker that really NEEDS to know why you stopped talking to him. In that case just call the police.

If you ever see him again in public, just tell him that your phone broke and you lacked voice communication for a month.

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