I am chick, I?m 28, and I?ve lived in DC for most of my life. I have a tight circle of female friends, all of whom are witty, educated, and entertaining (just like me). For the most part, I couldn?t ask for a better group of friends. And as would be expected of a group of single girls, when we get together, bitching about men is a favored pastime.
In recent months, however, the bitching has escalated, and my friends are kind of turning themselves into a little self-help group. I hear incessant complaining about how there are no good men out there, or how they?ve found the perfect man but he?s married, or how some guy gave one of them three seconds of attention the other day ? do I think he?s interested? Going out to parties or clubs is starting to get replaced by Movie Nights with the Girls. I?m starting to get all these ?girl power? e-mails containing stories with the under lying message that It?s OK to be Single! It?s like they?re giving up. I suspect the fact that we?re all hovering so close to 30 is part of the problem.
While I feel my buds have always exuded a cool independent vibe, lately they?re getting all whiny and desperate, which I?m pretty sure is turning the men off. As a girlbud, it is my job to be supportive, and I?m pretty certain that simply telling my friends, ?You?re getting whiny and desperate,? will not go over well. So I?m kind of clueless about what to do. Is this just a natural course that women take that I need to just accept (and settle in for my own ultimate demise)?
DCB says,
Oh man I wish you could see the huge grin on my face right now. This is direct proof of the spinster phenomenon that I get so much criticism for, when women get old and bitter and blame their dating failures on everyone but themselves.
It’s up to you to put a stop to this, because by doing nothing you are enabling this self-destructive behavior. Set up a spinster intervention if you have to, but definitely let them know that their attitude is not helping them find a man. Ask them directly: “Is thinking like this helping you in any way?” They are going to resent you for a couple weeks or so, but if they are the open-minded type of girls you should be hanging out with, they will come around. Otherwise you should break up with them and hang out with younger girls who do not yet have the urge to accumulate cats.
Kathryn says,
Barf. I hate clingy girls with no real prospects analyzing and dissecting every scrap of attention thrown their way by unworthy, likely uninterested men. I can not indulge that behavior, ever.
Please do stage some kind of intervention. Maybe have all the girls over for a Sex & the City night, but be sure to watch the episode “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” This is the one where Miranda goes off on all of them about their obsession with men, in the following classic tirade:
All we talk about anymore is Big or balls or small dicks. How does it happen that four smart women have nothing to talk about but boyfriends? It’s like seventh grade but with bank accounts! What about us? What we think, we feel, we know, Christ! Does it always have to be about them? Just give me a call when you’re ready to talk about something besides men.
Then pause and discuss.
Of course I’m kidding about the viewing party. But if you know you will not be able to hang out with these women anymore if the pity parties continue, say something about it! Borrow Miranda’s words if you have to. But don’t just throw it out there as a criticism. Offer a plan of action. Organize a “club night” for everyone. Throw a singles happy hour. They’ll appreciate it. Or at least, the ones worth keeping around will.
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Yeah, if you haven’t latched on to someone by the time you leave college it seems that you’re pretty much out of luck. Men and women both.
Look, there’s nothing wrong with giving up. But you’re friends aren’t giving up. They’re just becoming bitter. You’ll know they’ve given up when they stop whining about it and talk about something else. They may be 30 years old, but they sound like they’re still stuck in 8th grade. Just nattering on about boys and overanalyzing every little word to death.
What to do? First of all try to steer the conversation in other directions. Talk about something that isn’t boys. Second… ok, I got nothing.
Truely giving up is harder to do when you get together with your friends every week and talk about it. The way to accept spending the rest of your life alone is to spend more time alone. Read books, go out to eat by yourself, go see a movie by yourself, develop hobbies, etc. Develop an enjoyable life for yourself and suddenly dating seems pretty minor.
Don’t pass around articles about how it’s ok to be single. Live them.
Comment by Ibid on 02/21/06.
The thing is that your friends are giving up and they are doing it likely because they were immature and unpleasant women to begin with. The type of women who play games, chase assholes and treat nice guys like shit, and basically took their looks and youth for granted.
Now they are turning 30 and they are alone and the same bullshit games they have been playing since they were 20 are not working any more. Most men there age have either been burned once or twice by girls like this and no better, are not interested because they can get younger better looking girls, or finally they know how to get a one night stand out of them and then move on without dealing with the headgames.
If you see what your friends are becoming, then seperate off a bit more and see what really makes you happy and consider whether these women are really in line with that. I am not saying you cannot be friends any more, but I think your own words indicate that you are questioning whether you share the same goals and mindset.
Comment by Another Anon on 02/21/06.
Finally… it’s about time that the girls are starting to wise up! At least the one who wrote the question and Kathryn. Bitching about men isn’t gonna solve any problems (and guys bitching about women isn’t either). I say, state an intervention. Tell them how you feel once, and leave it at that. Cut them off for a few weeks, it’ll show them that you mean business. Meanwhile, take a cooking class, salsa dance lessons, yoga or pilates, or whatever you like… its a good way to meet new people and you might even meet a man or two and they’ll ask you out! Live it up!
And by the way, I have to disagree with Ibid - out of luck if you don’t latch onto someone in college? I find that anyone I dated in college, I’m glad I’m not with them anymore. I want a woman who is more mature and adult than a college student, and yet still knows how to have fun. And has a good attitude and doesn’t spend hours bitching about men
Comment by nabeel on 02/21/06.
I agree with Nabeel. I feel sorry for a lot of my friends who are the “with the college somebody” types. I also feel bad for the people who are stuck in the college group of friends exclusively. I have many of my friends from college, but honestly– I have matured a lot and changed a lot. Many of my college friends have not.
The bottom line is that you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and either meet new people or take some time and be completely alone.
Comment by Another Anon on 02/21/06.
The people in college may not be worth dating, but dating is still fairly easy. After college it all dries up.
It’s like in grade school when the teacher would ask you to buddy up. If you didn’t grab someone fast you got stuck with Bobby the Glue Eater. The first wave of singles is lost right out of high school. The second wave right out of college. If you leave college single you’re either career oriented or a “glue eater”.
It’s easier in DC than in many places. This is one of the major migration points for people who were career oriented instead of baby oriented. Even so, once you sort out the glue eaters, the married people, the gay people, the people who only want to get married so they can get that promotion, and the jerks, you have pretty slim pickin’s.
Comment by Ibid on 02/21/06.
Dating does not dry up after college.
Comment by Stephen on 02/21/06.
> Dating does not dry up after college.
Fine. My fault for growing up in Kansas where the woman still single at 25 is the old spinster crone.
Comment by Ibid on 02/21/06.
> Fine. My fault for growing up in Kansas where the woman still single at 25 is the old spinster crone.
Hmm… I think I’ll stick with DC or any big city then.
Comment by nabeel on 02/21/06.
What is this phenomenon I’ve seen where grown-ass men are still referred to as “boys.” When I’m called a “boy” I tend to feel resentment.
Comment by Andy on 02/21/06.
Ibid, you must seriously unattractive to feel that you have to latch on to someone in college or else. Hot girls will never have trouble finding a good man, and chances are that they’ll end up stealing the man you latched onto.
As for the post, you can either beat them or join them. It does happen like this for all girls in girlpower groups. My suggestion would be to distance yourself. Spend brunch with them or dinners on weeknights. Meet people who are 28 and don’t act this way to go out with on weekends. Or suggest that your group go to a singles mixer. The biggest turn off for a guy is a girl who seems desperate. Although, it sounds to me like you’re the odd man out in your group… okay with being single, because obviously the ones who aren’t really need justification.
Comment by Sam on 02/21/06.
Original poster here - thanks for everyone’s responses. I think Kathryn’s suggestion that I take a cue from SATC’s Miranda may be an effective one, ’cause they sure do love that show.
Another Anon’s comment that my buds are the “type of women who play games, chase assholes and treat nice guys like shit” is way off the mark. They are the type of women who have grown self-conscious after years of failed relationships. They have lost the will to go out and try to meet people because they’re certain it’ll just end in lonelieness or heartbreak. I think they need an ego boost more than anything else.
Comment by Original Anon on 02/21/06.
> What is this phenomenon I?ve seen where grown-ass men are still referred to as ?boys.?
Have you ever heard about women getting together to gossip about men?
In my mind there’s men, gentlemen, guys, and boys.
Men change their own oil, cut firewood, change tires, can’t dress themselves and, tell their women to fix them a sandwich.
Gentlemen may not change their own oil, but they can make their own sandwich and dress well on their own.
Guys drink beer and watch sports and do remarkably stupid stuff and do it all with groups of other guys.
Boys are either very young or act very young or are the ones being gossiped about by women.
Comment by Ibid on 02/21/06.
This reminds me of a woman I met at the Reef a few months ago. Exceptionally well educated, very professional, great sense of humor (as evidenced by how much me and my wing teased her and how she laughed right along and gave us funny comebacks). She was single, she seemed a bit down, and her friend confided in me that she was frustrated by her inability to get a boyfriend. I tried to help her out by looking over the room at the men and seeing if we couldn’t pick one out who we could get to come talk to her. Nope, she told me, she had already looked them over and there wasn’t a single man who interested her. Must have been 50 men in that room at least, yet not one was good enough based on appearance and style.
You might think this is fine, she is a discriminating woman who demands the best. And that is fine. Except that looks-wise she was a 5 on a scale on 1 to 10 (which means a 3 on DCB’s scale). She was pretty plain looking, her style was fairly dowdy, and she needed to lose 15-20 pounds or so. Her expectations for the types of men she should be dating were utterly unrealistic.
The most attractive, most successful men want attractive upbeat women. They don’t want depressed, average looking women. DCB says this repeatedly and the commenters always hate on him for being shallow. Meanwhile, the 30 year olds who don’t take care of themseleves or give off a depressed vibe only make things worse. Ladies, listen to DCB.
Comment by Chaco on 02/21/06.
Ibid is male.
Ibid went through college and watched many women reach their senior year only to desperately latch on to any man who didn’t actually shove her out of the car while speeding through a turn just so they could get married.
Ibid then spent two years in Kansas City. In that time he met one other single man and three single women (note: I’m referring only to people who have graduated high school). This list includes people he worked with, people his co-workers knew, and people his friends knew.
Ibid moved to DC where those numbers went up considerably but the singles still don’t seem to be able to stand each other enough to date.
Ibid will now stop referring to himself in the third person.
Comment by Ibid on 02/21/06.
Nobody wants to date someone who is whiny period.
As a single woman, not nearing age 30, not nearing a 10, and not nearly desperate enough to throw a pity party…I say ditch them. Go find other friends to go out and have fun with who won’t sit at home and mope. I mean, you can still have your girls night in with them - but maybe when they see you out and about having fun and (gasp) meeting men (with the RIGHT) attitude….then they’ll get off their lazy butts and go to it and try something new.
I admit, dating can be a sick and tiring circle of losers…but at the same time, it leads to good stories! And, meeting new people never hurt anyone.
And I say boys and guys, because I have only met a few gentleman or men. Hopefully in a few years they will all catch up.
[…] I’ve gotten a lot of shit for making fun of spinsters here, but a woman recently wrote in to FDDC complaining that her friends are becoming, well, spinsters. Going out to parties or clubs is starting to get replaced by Movie Nights with the Girls. I?m starting to get all these ?girl power? e-mails containing stories with the under lying message that It?s OK to be Single! It?s like they?re giving up. I suspect the fact that we?re all hovering so close to 30 is part of the problem. […]
I say it has nothing to do with a shortage of men. It has everything to do with their methods of seeking the men out. I’m in the same age bracket, and I’ve never felt that there is a shortage of men in this area.
