So 10 years later…
Confused in NC says,
I dated this guy in college that turned out to be a real jerk, only it took me 3 years to figure that out. We broke up and moved on but I always missed hanging out with his friends. A few months ago (10 year later) I ran into one of them at a concert and we traded phone numbers so we could grab a bite to eat and catch up. I didn’t hear from him for months. Suddenly he started sending text messages to my phone and chatting with me every night. He started asking me to do things such as go to parties, concerts, etc., all at the last minute. I of course declined because I am a busy lady who needs a little notice. On one occasion I became suspicious that he was trying to get me back with my ex when he invited me to a party and said “everyone wants to see you”. I asked if the ex was there and stated that I really didn’t want to see him again. He got all defensive and asked why I would ask such a thing and never would say if he was there or not. In a nut shell we haven’t really talked about him again.
The text messages and phone calls are continuing every night and he asked me way in advance to go with him to a wedding because he said he needs a date. (yes I know this can be a friend thing but it can also be a non-friend thing) He also makes odd comments, for example he called me one evening and asked what I was doing. I said I am laying in bed reading a book to which he responded….”that’s a hot image!” (in a non-joking tone) I’m starting to think that he wants to date instead of be friends because he is devoting so much time to calling me, but we haven’t had a conversation about the ex. I know this sounds silly, and I dated that guy 10 years ago, but isn’t there some kind of unspoken rule with guys that you don’t date any of their exes? In addition, I worry if I date the friend that the ex will be psycho since he was while we were dating and after we broke up. On the other hand, he could just want to be friends…what do you think?
Kathryn says,
Friend clearly likes you. That’s painfully obvious. He is putting in overtime to text you, call you, try and hang out with you… without ever mentioning Psycho Ex. If he really had an agenda to get you to hang out with Ex, he’d have brought him up a lot more by now. And if he didn’t like you, he’d have given up on trying on Ex’s behalf quite a while ago.
I think the likely reason for his irritation/defensiveness when you dismissed the party due to the possibility of Ex being there is the whole Don’t Date Friends’ Ex-Girlfriends thing. Similarly, asking you to do things last-minute may be an attempt to make things feel more casual. He may just feel a bit funny about feeling a bit romantic about you. But if ten years have passed, I think the statute of limitations has run out. Unless, of course, Ex is still obsessed with you and Friend is still hanging out with him a lot. This is what we need to find out.
One question: If Friend were truly interested in you and didn’t hang out with Ex very much anymore and didn’t want to orchestrate a run-in between the two of you, would you want to go on a date with him? If the answer is no, I’d stop answering calls and texts. If it’s yes, get the Ex issue out in the open and get together!!
A suggested approach: in one of your conversations, can you casually tell a “funny” story about Ex with Friend? Then, as you finish the story, say something like, “ah, God, that was funny. I wonder whatever happened to Ex. Do you ever see him around?” I think you should bring him up in a very non-threatening way (as opposed to, “Ex won’t be there, will he?”) and see how Friend reacts. Good luck.
DCB says,
Oh wow are you kidding. I’m 100% sure the friend wants to bang you. Your theory of him wanting to hook you up back with the ex is way left field. Wayyyy left field. Yeah he calls you every day and texts you for his buddy.
You are obviously interested in this friend (along with other friends of the ex) or else you wouldn’t keep communicating with him. Perhaps your reluctance to think of him as a potential boyfriend is causing him to think twice about making a move? Or maybe he’s too scared to make a move because he knows how much shit he would get from all his friends about hooking up with a buddy’s ex.
Also, worrying that the ex will go psycho after TEN years is flattering and all, but I have a feeling he has moved on. You should too. If you like a guy, then date him. In this case the burden is on the friend, who seems to need some encouragement to ask you out. You are making it way too easy on him, especially if you talk so frequently and he still hasn’t asked you out yet. Let him work for it. He’s treating you as a side project and you don’t seem to mind. Don’t repond to his texts and end conversations much earlier than usual. The goal is to make him want more and ask for the date.
If the ex shows up on the date then I guess you can say he hasn’t moved on.
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