The words, “make love” turn me off - is there something wrong with me?
I’ll preface this by saying I am a 29-year-old female, nice body and face. I had a normal childhood - no molestation or anything to screw me up sexually. I must admit, I have never actually been in love. My relationships always end up being one-sided - either I am really into them and they are not that into me or vice versa. But, overall I have no problem getting dates, and have had several long term (1-2 year) relationships (always ended by me because I realized the guys were losers).
My issue is this: if a guy acts romantic or says anything resembling, “make love,” I am completely turned off. I really just want to “fuck”; don’t get me wrong, this has no reflection on wanting to date the person or even get serious with them. In fact, I usually do want to date them if I am attracted to them sexually. It’s just that when it comes to sex, I like it dirty. Overtly romantic gestures or a guy saying something like, “I want to make love to you” actually makes me feel physically ill and I am no longer attracted to the person. Does that mean i am really f-ed up? Am I doomed to be single forever?
On a side note, I lived in MD/DC for 4 years and just moved to LA. I randomly came across this blog and love it! DCB, why do i always meet the guys who want to give me oral? I don’t like it - it just doesn’t do anything for me because I get off on penetration. But it seems like most of the guys I’ve gotten physical with want to do that, and they try to convince me that I “just haven’t had the right guy” do it. Ugh! This is so annoying. Where are all the guys who say they “don’t do that”? I sure as hell haven’t met them.
P.S. if you do actually post this, will you guys e-mail me to let me know?
Kathryn says,
I feel like I’m intruding. Is this a love letter to DCB?
I actually think you have intimacy and trust issues - you may only allow yourself to have strong feelings for people you know aren’t right for you, and won’t show it back. Your aversion to romance and making love implies you don’t, on some level, feel worthy of such kindness and tenderness. I think Dr. Drew would not believe your claim that nothing traumatic has happened in your life, and would probe further until you revealed some emotional scar that prevents you from trusting others in relationships. I wouldn’t go so far as to say you’re f–ked up and doomed to be single forever, but I would say that, if you’re grappling with heavy questions like this, you might find a therapist to be very helpful in sorting it all out. Good luck.
DCB says,
I love you. God this is what I’m talking about: a sexy girl who just likes to have sex.
The reason guys like to give you oral is because they think it’s the only way they can hook you. They are not confident that their man snake can give you enough pleasure to get a second try. Instead of wasting time how to pleasure a woman orally, a man should know how to use the snake to its fullest potential, unless of course you are the disgraceful owner of a micropenis. Drop me an email the next time you are in DC.
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I prefer the term “sex” myself. “Fuck” is used for hitting your thumb with a hammer and “make love” sounds odd unless sung by a baratone. But then, I’m fairly untrusting, too. Nothing traditionally referred to as traumatic like molestation and the like. Just lots of lesser traumas adding up.
The difference is that you’re willing to have sex with people you don’t trust but won’t fall in love with them while I won’t have sex with someone unless I trust them enough not to sleep around and/or give me some disease.
I see no reason you say you’re doomed to be single forever. But, unless you’re jonesing for a baby or you need someone to get your parents off your back, there’s nothing wrong with being single.
Comment by Ibid on 03/29/06.
This is the first time I’ve ever heard that the words “make love” is a potential deal breaker…
Comment by nabeel on 03/29/06.
I reserve “fuck” for fuck buddies/friends with benefits, “sex” for people I’m dating, and “making love” for people I…love.
I guess I don’t really like the term either (kind of makes me think of the 50’s), but it doesn’t make me want to puke and run away either.
P.S. Maybe you just haven’t had a guy “do oral right” on you either for that matter. Haha.
yeah its one thing to not like the “make love” term espeically if you just wanna have fun… yet I think it’s another thing if it makes one physically sick, as if she’ll never allow themselves to love and be loved.
Comment by nabeel on 03/29/06.
One more thing, after a 1-2 year relationship, you still didn’t love the person, or “make love” to/with them?
I’m with Asian Mistress on this one…There is a time and place for everything right? For sex…fucking…and making love. But if its a year past with the same person and the idea of them being gooey in bed with you turns you off….you might have a problem with intimacy. Which is not to say that you want to “make love” ALL the time…bc realistically how boring is that? But…if you cant handle the sweetness once in a while…thats not the best sign.
Interesting. I have had girlfriends also say things like “please don’t ever call our sex making love”. And these were women who were able to tell me they loved me. Those women did have mild submissive tendencies in bed and enjoyed hair pulling, spanking, and being handled roughly. I have come to think women have strong associations with sex as a naughty pleasurable indulgence, that what many women enjoy about it psychologically is the idea of being bad girl doing something forbidden. Of course, in this day sex is hardly forbidden, but maybe it comes from adolesence when sex was still looked down upon by parents, and those first feelings about sex as something exciting, dangerous, and against the rules end up shaping women’s sexuality for a lifetime.
Comment by Chaco on 03/29/06.
Wait–is the issue here “making love” or is the questioner just saying she can’t stand when guys actually use those words. If it’s the first, then I guess y’all are right on target with the responses. If it’s the second, then I am in absolute complete agreement. I would totally lose my mojo if I was hot and heavy with a guy and then he busted out with, “I can’t wait to make love to you.” Ew. Ranks right up there with calling someone your “lover.” Makes me want to vom just thinking about it.
Comment by Anonymous on 03/29/06.
If your only dating problem is one of semantics then I’d say you’re fine. Then again, if you’re breaking up with people because of semantics, therapy might be the thing for you. It probably turns you off b/c it’s a fucking stupid term. It doesn’t even make sense. When you fight do you call it “making hate”? Obvy not, because that would sound stupid.
so… people… are we becoming a society where people get dumped for using *one wrong word* altho it seems innocent to an outsider?
Here’s a solution to all this: abandon all the stupid and cheesy semantics, and just call it “SEX”. So there. I’m done here
Comment by nabeel on 03/29/06.
I agree, I hate when guys say “making love”, it sounds so idiotic.
I think you’ve been dating losers, and you haven’t found anyone you genuinely respect. After the honeymoon phase is over, there has to be something great to replace it (intelligence, kindness, maturity, etc.) Once you do, you’ll still hate the phrase “making love”, but you’ll be able to love.
I agree with nabeel- its a sad state of affairs when people have to worry about every single word they say. Really though, if all of us are that picky about such minor details, than none of us have a chance at finding love and happiness through a relationship. If you let such minor things scare you away, than you really don’t want to find somebody to spend the rest of your life with. If this is the case, just come out and admit it- don’t waste people’s time by pretending to be interested in a relationship when really you are going to just find any minor “imperfection” or incorrect use of terminology against them and end the relationship…
Comment by JG on 03/31/06.
In my book saying “make love” seriously is like Days of Our Lives shit. Freaks me out, too. But let me tell you why you probably don’t like it. The term has serious connotations. And I agree with K and others that you probably have some issues with intimacy (dump a guy for saying it and never having been in love). Yep, intimacy issues, you and like everyone else.
But, since you seem to be concerned and actually want to find someone worth falling in love with, I’d really take the time to see a therapist for at least a few sessions.
Yeah, its understandable not to like the “make love” term… but it is absolutely no grounds to unload someone for saying it. I agree with V… go see a therapist.
Comment by nabeel on 03/31/06.
Hey there,
Im in LA, tall 6′1, caucasion, european, athletic and attractive urban artist type
and I dont really care for oral at all, not giving it or receiving it.
here’s my email… lets talk.
