I dated a guy for just over a year. Most of it was long distance. It was a good relationship, for the most part. Long distance made it tough, but we talked every night and visited each other once a month or so. A couple months after we both moved to the same city after graduation (both of us independently had been planning on moving there before we left — we didn’t move to be together) he broke up with me. Said that while he cared about me, he just didn’t feel strongly enough about me and didn’t think that would change.
We get along so well. He makes me laugh, and I make him laugh. Things are always fun when we’re together. The physical relationship was great. All of these are things he’s said, even after the break up.
The first few months were hard — we’d hang out but it was clear I wanted something more. We got back together for a bit (he said he wanted to give it a chance given how much I’d given up to be with him) but it was terrible. I was too defensive and nervous, and we weren’t able to relax with each other. So it didn’t work out.
At times we’ll hang out, sit on his couch watching TV, out at a bar chatting, and it’s so easy. But then, whenever that’s going to come to an end, it’s hard and I get flustered thinking of saying goodbye.
I know the mistakes I made in the relationship. Both the first time and when we got back together. I think I could approach things differently, so that he wouldn’t worry so much about “where we are in the relationship.” Frankly, I don’t really care about “where we are” so much as that *we* are somewhere, together.
I’ve tried getting over him. Purged my life of all that reminds me of him. Stopped talking to him for weeks. We work in the same office (but not together), so it’s been hard to really, completely forget about him. (For neither of us is changing jobs an option since we both started recently.) I would really love to get over him, and move on, be happy again, forget about him. But it’s just not happening.
So there’s my question — what can I do to get him back. Like I said, I’ve tried moving on, so I’m not interested in that sort of response. Even if you think it’s hopeless, what has worked in the past? I know couples break up and get back together all the time. I want to know how we can do that.
Thanks
DCB says,
This is one of the sadder emails we have received. You have looked down the alternative road of being with someone else who wants to be with you, of having a new source of happiness and fulfillment, and you have discarded it to be with a guy who does not respect or care for you. In fact, I don’t have respect for you. But I will give you advice anyway.
To get your foot in the door with this guy again, there are two things that WILL work:
1. Make yourself hotter. Grow your hair out, lose weight, get toned, and make some sexy (but tasteful) wardrobe changes. The next time you see him, you want him to think, “Damn I dumped THAT?!” It worked on me a couple times.
2. Make him jealous. Jealousy is the most powerful human emotion there is. Find a stooge and bring him to parties that your ex will be at. You want him to think, “Wait, is she having sex with HIM?” Make him remember the sex with you. Hopefully it was good.
He will contact you for sex and you will be desperate to give it. He will continue banging you until you keep the charade going. I don’t think that it is possible to solve the underlying problem with this broken relationship, but since you are illogical and emotional, squeezing one extra bang from him may make you happy for a week or two. Whatever you do, don’t tell him your true feelings. Also remember that stalking is illegal in most states.
Kathryn says,
This line concerns me the most: “I think I could approach things differently, so that he wouldn’t worry so much about ‘where we are in the relationship.’” In other words, you are so attached to this guy and you blindly need him in your life so badly that you’ve decided to ignore your own feelings and needs if it means you get to keep him. It seems you are willing to behave only as you think he’d want, making sure to say only what he’d want to hear, and hiding anything you fear he’d find undesirable. Sounds like a miserable existence to me.
If this guy is truly that fabulous and you have no other options, then yes, follow DCB’s advice. I’d expect it to get you more hang-out time and/or sex, not another chance at relationship happiness. Because no matter how much you work at it, you can’t hide desperation, which is one of the most unattractive qualities a person can possess.
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DCB sounds like he’s bases his life on weak sitcom plots. That might get you laid, but it will not deal with the real issues in the relationship. Remember, it’s already failed twice.
The only times I’ve ever heard of a couple getting back together was after several years apart, preferably in different cities. In that time both people were able to grow, change, and learn some new jokes.
I’ve had that one person I just couldn’t get over but she just wasn’t interested. 6 years I spent around that woman. I even helped her get a job where I worked knowing that I was setting myself up for another 2 years of torment.
I’ve councelled a few people who have broken up with someone and were willing to move heaven and earth and spend time in a US Military prison camp to get that person back.
I have a pretty good idea where you’re coming from. It sucks. Ages of torment.
I’ll tell you, he doesn’t miss you. He broke up with you because he just didn’t feel that way about you. Or maybe he just said that because he wanted to date around. In any case you’re the one stuck, not him. You might get him back for a night or a week or even a month if you’ve been doing your Kegel exercises, but he will dump you again and all the hurt will be fresh again.
A better question is how do you get over him?
Hook him up with another woman. This doesn’t work for everyone, but it might work for you. If he starts seriously dating someone else that should pretty well kill any hope you have left. Hope is bad. Get rid of hope and you’ll have an easier time moving on.
One of you has to get a new job. If you’re not willing to quit then you need to submit his resume to other job openings and hope he leaves.
Consider moving. Make a clean break. New job, new city, new friends. The shake up should manage to wipe him from your mind - except for the occasional facial tick when you remember what you were willing to do for him. I’m told that men outnumber women 4 or 5 to 1 up in Alaska.
Good luck
Comment by Ibid on 03/15/06.
The sad part is that you’ve “tried moving on” so you think your only alternative is to try and get him back. Things didn’t work out the first or second time you guys were together, you need to move on.
Why would you pine for a guy who doesn’t want you, when there’s plenty of men around who just might want you. DCB said it exactly right.
This is by far the saddest post so far.
Comment by Stephen on 03/15/06.
It’s called a break up, because it’s broken. I made myself buy that stupid book, because I couldn’t really seem to get over my ex. It’s been over a year since we broke up. The other weekend I saw him with his new girlfriend, and immediately I was hurt, shocked, disappointed that there was no chance of us ever getting back together again. I made the inevitable comparison of myself to his new girlfriend. Is she smarter than me? prettier than me? funnier? Then I suddenly had this epiphany. Hating her or thinking that I’m better than her, doesn’t make him like me any more. Ultimately, I don’t think there is anything wrong with me. We just weren’t a good fit. He realized it and it took me a longer time to recognize it. Take as much time as you need to get over him, but don’t try to get back together with him. It’s just a waste of time.
Comment by holiday on 03/15/06.
“If you?re not willing to quit then you need to submit his resume to other job openings and hope he leaves.”
Don’t do this.
Comment by Matt on 03/15/06.
The quickest way to get over someone is to have sex with someone new. Yes, maybe the sex will be an “empty one night stand”, but having another person give you pleasure is a great way to realize there is happiness after the ex.
Comment by Chaco on 03/15/06.
Ibid you didn’t take the time to read what I wrote carefully:
I don?t think that it is possible to solve the underlying problem with this broken relationship
Ever see those movies where the hero’s sidekick has taken a bullet or something and the hero does CPR for many minutes after his buddy is clearly dead? The hero is desperately doing chest compressions while his friends are like, “Man, he’s dead…let him go. You did all you could.” The hero raises his hands to the sky and says, “NOOOOOOOOOOO! Why God, WHY?” The hero then goes on to avenge his buddy’s death by finding his killer, getting the girl, and cracking wise the whole time.
You’re currently trying unnecessary CPR on this relationship, and we are telling you to stop, because the relationship is dead. You need to realize this, scream and curse at God, and move on.
Comment by DCRookie on 03/15/06.
DCB gave some sound advice. I know she doesn’t want to hear move on but…seriously, move on. He doesn’t “like you” like you. She’s just tormenting herself and him with these weak tries at reconciliation.
Comment by Heather on 03/15/06.
“I would really love to get over him, and move on, be happy again, forget about him. But it?s just not happening.”
You’ve given up control of your own life. That’s scary, and I don’t even know you. It’s time for therapy.
DCB and K were both right on here. And, I don’t believe that her that she can’t move on. That’s a choice–you can’t just blame fate or some “he’s my soul mate” bullshit–you need to admit that you need some help professional or whatever because you are incapable of doing it on your own.
What makes me the saddest about this dilemma is so much of this girl’s self-worth seems to be wrapped up in this guy who doesn’t like her like that. It’s clear she can only hear what she wants to hear, in fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if she dismissed all this advice as us all “not understanding.” Tough love, darlin, that?s what it?s going to take.
Gloria Steinem is now filming a marathon double anal gang bang following this posting… You have single-handedly destroyed feminism, and any lingering sense of a woman’s self-esteem: Congratulations!!! What is wrong with you- aside from the obvious issue that you are a fucking useless sniveling sack of vulva… You are so young- “moved to the same city after graduation” - and have absolutely no perspective on what else is out there. You should be dreaming of the fact that you are new in town and single; just as the guy did when he dumped your sorry-ass. You should be day dreaming of drunken hook-ups, dates, meeting interesting people who want to lick your asshole like tasty d-lite on a hot day, hanging out at Cafe Milano and selling your nubile body to a 68 year old financier from the World Bank for the night- you are missing it all baby…all because you have feelings for some dude who no longer wants to give you two in the pink and one in the stink.
Overall, the quickest way to get over a man is to get under a new one- and in your case, you may need a good finger cuff situation with two guys to help matters blow over (no pun intended). Enjoy the fact that you are single. It is soon Spring, and everyone in DC will be getting sloppy at bars all across the city and pining for your attention. Who knows, maybe you will fall for another guy and he will share your penchance for the cleveland steamer, a love of the donkey punch, and enjoying the act of the glass bottom boat. It could be a match made in heaven, and to think… you could have missed it all… xoxo
Comment by puzzled poster on 03/15/06.
This post above might go down as one of the greats in the history of the site.
“you are missing it all baby?all because you have feelings for some dude who no longer wants to give you two in the pink and one in the stink.”
It couldn’t be said anymore eloquent then that.
Everyone gets their heart broken once in life. It is one of the biggest emotional jobs the big guy pulls on you. It’s tough, you will always think of him, but the best way to get over anyone is to find someone new.
Get out there - get drunk — and slop around with some guys. it will help.
I have a feeling that this girl isn’t that hot, that is why she is struggling so much. I really feel for people who are in this situation. It’s really tough.
Comment by Tom on 03/15/06.
DCB you cool
Comment by Rob on 03/15/06.
I know it’s not easy but you have to get over this guy and start living your life fully. Clingyness and desperation is not attractive. Besides, why would you want to be with someone who wasn’t crazy about you? You deserve much more than he can offer to you and you have to start believing that. Any contact you would have right now would only be feeding in to his EGO and diminishing yours. He broke up with you. Let him live with the consequences of his decision. Don’t be a doormat. Actions speak so much louder than words and his clearly indicate that he is done with you. I hope you decide to cut off ALL contact with this dude and choose to love yourself first. Good luck.
Comment by Olivia on 04/19/06.
Dude, I totally know what you’re going through.. it’s tough and i wish i could get my ex back too. I know where i should be compared to where im actually at.. and i’m sure you know that too.. but the hard part really is doing it.. all very well saying ‘dude i’m over this pig headed wank’ but showing everyone you are and most of all showing yourself are two completely different things. My advice (this will benefit us both) is to ask the world to stop for abit.. get off and when you are ready to get back on, your place will be waiting. Paitence and Time are a virtue. if you can seriously get through this, you can get through anything. I mean shit you live in a city with thousands of eligable men.. haha i live in a town with just over 20,000 people and beleive me the fish are dying! good luck!! you should really copy and paste some of these responses and stick them on your wall.. read them.. drum it into your head that you’re better.. and you deserve better!
Comment by Alicia on 08/08/06.
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good luck!! you should really copy and paste some of these responses and stick them on your wall.. read them.. drum it into your head that you’re better.. and you deserve better!