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March 16, 2006

Little man

Trying Not To Be THE Superficial Bitch says,

So, here goes. I’ve been dating this guy for about a month, and despite the fact that we differ in quite fundamental, building-block-of-a-relationship-type ways (i.e. religion, political orientation, music, etc.), we still have this amazing chemistry that just won’t quit. We’ve been “taking it slow,” seemingly by his choice, which is fine with me and actually kind of nice. He’s not the most open about his feelings, so I take this to mean that he actually cares about me and doesn’t want to ruin it by rushing into a super physical relationship. Although I think that I have made it clear that I’m down.

Anyway, so we finally make it past second base (yes, I’m 27 and still calling it that) and you will hear no complaints from me. Actually, I am very impressed and happy to say that the passionate make-out sessions are translating in other ways. However, I did not reciprocate (although I am more than happy to do so) because he didn’t seem to want to go there. But, the main problem is this: the barely there penis. I’m talking the teensy-weensy stub, is it down there?, where is it hiding? kind of penis. Now, here is when the idea presents itself that maybe he does not, in fact, REALLY like me, but instead he is embarrassed of the size of his package. What to do? What to do?

I’m not going to lie and say that size doesn’t matter at all, because, well, then I would be a liar. But if he can satisfy me, I really don’t care. But I don’t want it to slip out and I certainly don’t want to not know whether or not the penetration has begun. With that, I really do like this guy and can actually see something really special between us, despite our differences. Any advice regarding small penises would be greatly appreciated!

Kathryn says,

Well, you already know for sure it’s really small, and you still want to move forward. Awesome for him. I think the best possible approach here is to *not* talk about it (very unusual advice for me). The last thing you want to do is say it’s big, or fine, or that you didn’t notice. He knows what he’s working with, and he’ll feel emasculated if he thinks you’re lying to him out of pity.

Instead, I recommend you take matters into your hands. And mouth. Give his little guy attention, perhaps being a bit aggressive if he’s resistant. Tell him sincerely how much you enjoy [sex act involving his unit that you do, in fact, enjoy]. Make it very obvious that he’s giving you pleasure, and that you want to give it back, just as you say above. As far as your intercourse-related fears about it slipping out/not being sure it’s in, well, all I can say is you’ll have to figure out through practice what positions will work and which ones won’t. No big deal. It may even be fun.

I can’t wait to hear what DCB says about this one.

DCB says,

I don’t have much advice to give you because I have no experience with small penises. And by penises I mean my own. And by my own I mean… I’M HUGE.

How about you be a 21st-century progressive woman (i.e. easy) and stick your hand down his pants? We don’t mind. There is a possibility that he has trouble getting hard unless his package is right about to penetrate female genitalia. Or maybe he’s impotent and needs some extended fluffing to get hard. But if he is small, I guarantee you he has mastered the art of going down on a woman, so your worry may translate into clitoral orgasms that are more powerful than vaginal ones you would’ve had with a normal-sized man. I wouldn’t know because I don’t go down on women. Good luck.

March 15, 2006

How do I get him back?

Anonymous says,

I dated a guy for just over a year. Most of it was long distance. It was a good relationship, for the most part. Long distance made it tough, but we talked every night and visited each other once a month or so. A couple months after we both moved to the same city after graduation (both of us independently had been planning on moving there before we left — we didn’t move to be together) he broke up with me. Said that while he cared about me, he just didn’t feel strongly enough about me and didn’t think that would change.

We get along so well. He makes me laugh, and I make him laugh. Things are always fun when we’re together. The physical relationship was great. All of these are things he’s said, even after the break up.

The first few months were hard — we’d hang out but it was clear I wanted something more. We got back together for a bit (he said he wanted to give it a chance given how much I’d given up to be with him) but it was terrible. I was too defensive and nervous, and we weren’t able to relax with each other. So it didn’t work out.

At times we’ll hang out, sit on his couch watching TV, out at a bar chatting, and it’s so easy. But then, whenever that’s going to come to an end, it’s hard and I get flustered thinking of saying goodbye.

I know the mistakes I made in the relationship. Both the first time and when we got back together. I think I could approach things differently, so that he wouldn’t worry so much about “where we are in the relationship.” Frankly, I don’t really care about “where we are” so much as that *we* are somewhere, together.

I’ve tried getting over him. Purged my life of all that reminds me of him. Stopped talking to him for weeks. We work in the same office (but not together), so it’s been hard to really, completely forget about him. (For neither of us is changing jobs an option since we both started recently.) I would really love to get over him, and move on, be happy again, forget about him. But it’s just not happening.

So there’s my question — what can I do to get him back. Like I said, I’ve tried moving on, so I’m not interested in that sort of response. Even if you think it’s hopeless, what has worked in the past? I know couples break up and get back together all the time. I want to know how we can do that.

Thanks

DCB says,

This is one of the sadder emails we have received. You have looked down the alternative road of being with someone else who wants to be with you, of having a new source of happiness and fulfillment, and you have discarded it to be with a guy who does not respect or care for you. In fact, I don’t have respect for you. But I will give you advice anyway.

To get your foot in the door with this guy again, there are two things that WILL work:

1. Make yourself hotter. Grow your hair out, lose weight, get toned, and make some sexy (but tasteful) wardrobe changes. The next time you see him, you want him to think, “Damn I dumped THAT?!” It worked on me a couple times.

2. Make him jealous. Jealousy is the most powerful human emotion there is. Find a stooge and bring him to parties that your ex will be at. You want him to think, “Wait, is she having sex with HIM?” Make him remember the sex with you. Hopefully it was good.

He will contact you for sex and you will be desperate to give it. He will continue banging you until you keep the charade going. I don’t think that it is possible to solve the underlying problem with this broken relationship, but since you are illogical and emotional, squeezing one extra bang from him may make you happy for a week or two. Whatever you do, don’t tell him your true feelings. Also remember that stalking is illegal in most states.

Kathryn says,

This line concerns me the most: “I think I could approach things differently, so that he wouldn’t worry so much about ‘where we are in the relationship.’” In other words, you are so attached to this guy and you blindly need him in your life so badly that you’ve decided to ignore your own feelings and needs if it means you get to keep him. It seems you are willing to behave only as you think he’d want, making sure to say only what he’d want to hear, and hiding anything you fear he’d find undesirable. Sounds like a miserable existence to me.

If this guy is truly that fabulous and you have no other options, then yes, follow DCB’s advice. I’d expect it to get you more hang-out time and/or sex, not another chance at relationship happiness. Because no matter how much you work at it, you can’t hide desperation, which is one of the most unattractive qualities a person can possess.

March 14, 2006

The blow off?

Woman says,

I met him at a weekend bar get together orchestrated by a friend of a friend–he’s part of their crowd. We chatted a long time that night, really hit it off and exchanged e-mail addresses. He e-mailed me early the next week and asked me to get together for drinks. I agreed, we made plans, and subsequently exchanged a few brief but chatty e-mails prior to the actual date.

We got together for what ended up being a decently long outing–we had good conversation, seemed to have a lot in common–although we only had 2 drinks each. He paid (it was happy hour, so not pricey) but I did offer to leave the tip–he declined. As we were splitting off to head home, we both said we had a good time and he made a point of saying “we should do this again.”

The next day, I sent him the e-mail below, followed by his response. I’m not really invested but want to determine for future reference: is he blowing me off or merely trying to put the ball in my court to ask HIM out for date #2? I’m especially confused if it is option #1 by the fact that he included follow up on our convos. Thanks!

From woman to man,

Hi Man,
Thanks again for drinks last night. I had a good time–we should do it again.

By the way, I ran into my [friend who knows our mutual acquaintance that we discussed. She said that he’s now working at Firm in New City.]

Have a good night,
Woman

From man to woman,

Me, too. And thanks for coming all the way up to my neighborhood — I realized as I walked home that I got the better half of that deal.

And thanks for the [mutual acquaintance] update. For my part, I googled around to find out [about that random issue we discussed. It turns out the answer is ____ ] . . .

Take care,
Man

Kathryn says,

Hm. Tough call. Let’s break it down.

Positives: He had already met you in person, and pursued seeing you again. He said he had a good time. He took the time to investigate and report back on a topic you all discussed. He paid. He said he wanted to get together again.

Negatives: There was no kiss. There was no definitive plan-making when you parted company. There was no mention of a next time in his last email. And, finally, he signed off with “take care.” I usually read that to mean “see ya” and/or “don’t call me, I’ll call you.” Ditto “Cheers.”

In my mind, the negative indicators outweigh the positive indicators. I think he’s just not that into you. I don’t think he’s trying to get you to ask him out again. But it’s been a while since you submitted this question - definitely let me know if I’m wrong and you guys have been living happily ever after.

DCB says,

Why did you send him an email? That was definitely a bad move because you can’t be sure if he replied to you out of courtesy or because he is genuinely interested. Bottom line: he did not ask you out again. And what’s with the “take care” at the end of the email? That’s something you say to a friend you run into every three years. Under no circumstance do you email or ask this guy out. If he’s a man who is interested, he should not need any encouragement, especially since he aleady took you out once. In the future you need to resist contacting a guy you like before he has an opportunity to do so first.

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March 13, 2006

Beer goggles

First Time Asker says,

Ok, so I want to a party over the weekend, drank a little, and met a girl. We talked for a while, and it was generally a good time. Oh, when I said I drank a little, I probably mean I drank a lot. This girl was engaging, friendly, and attractive. I think. See, I’m stuck in one of those awkward situations where I don’t remember exactly how attractive she was, and, more importantly, if I want to risk calling her (I got her number) and going out with her. What if the beer goggle were stronger than I originally thought? Should I risk it, or just forget about it?

Kathryn says,

Although I have a sneaking suspicion you’re kind of a jackass, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt here.

If you think this girl may be attractive and interesting enough to talk to for a while, and you keep thinking about her, I’d risk it, but hedge your bets. Why not meet for a drink after work one night? If she is attractive and interesting, you could ask her to join you for dinner as well, or you could make more solid plans for another night.

Of course, if she had wicked beer goggles when she gave you her number, this may all be for naught. Good luck!

DCB says,

You have no excuse not to call her. Worst case is you show up and she is ugly. BIG DEAL. She showed up because she wants the sex. All that you have to do is re-create the night you met her by getting hammered. Take her to a cheap bar and just keep drinking until you can look her in the face for more than three seconds. Then take her home, seal the deal, and then wash off your shame with a shower of scalding hot water. After that, call your buddies and tell them a story that they will use against you for years. It’s win/win? a notch AND entertainment.

March 10, 2006

When retards date

Melanie says,

hey well me and this guy hooked up last week sunday. now he is in love with me but i just like him. now i hate all his friends because they are stupid and our first date is going to be in a club with me and all his friends. Now i don’t know what the heck to do because i want to know why the heck did he invite his friends and my friends have plans. If its a first date and we knew each other for so long but we haven’t talked for like 5 years , why does he has to bring along his friends. i need to know what to say to his friends that i hate and how to move.

Kathryn says,

Well. How clear and concise. I can only hope to match your strong grasp of the english language when I say: He no like you like that.

Seriously, though, Melanie, he is NOT in love with you. He wants an easy out to hang with his buddies if he doesn’t think you are hot or ready to bone this time. Tell his friends and him you’re not having it by not going on the date.

DCB says,

A wise man once said, “If a guy invites his friends on your first date, he just wants the sexy time.” I’m going to have to agree with the wise man and say that he doesn’t care all that much about you. If you didn’t hit it off five years ago, why do you think you are going to hit it off now? The only way this would work is if you went from really fat to really hot.

You need to gather up whatever dignity you lost as a child and not go on this date. Don’t reward a guy if he’s not putting in effort.

March 9, 2006

IM sex stalker

Anonymous says,

Someone I haven’t met has seemed to develop quite an affinity for me. I get an odd amount of instant messages from her, many of which are sexually suggestive and a little strange coming from someone I don’t know. She hasn’t yet outwardly propositioned me but it’s probably not far from that. It should go without saying that, in this situation, this is not the sort of attention that I desire. What do you, ever so wise advisors of firstdatedc recommend as a proper course of action? Ignore? Let down? What to do?

Kathryn says,

I have to imagine that, at least at first, the sexual innuendo was exciting to you. Otherwise things probably would not have gotten this far. But clearly you are no longer enjoying the attention, and it’s time to let your IM sex stalker know that no means no.

You could always borrow my on-the-job technique. Any time a male coworker says (or emails) something gross, inappropriate, and/or off-color to me, I respond, “That’s going right into my sexual harrassment file. I promise I’ll remember you when I’m rich from my lawsuit.” It’s playful, but after about five of those, she’ll get the hint. Just make sure you in NO way encourage her.

One final thought - do you want to continue any kind of correspondence at all? Is there any chance you might encounter her in real life? If no and no, I say block all IM, email, etc. Dunzo.

DCB says,

I don’t see the problem here. Are you gay? Is she ugly? This seems like a guaranteed notch to me, and unless she is really bad you should be hitting it instead of writing in. If she is hideous then simply stop responding to her. How hard can it be to ignore an INSTANT MESSAGE?? Or say, “Look I don’t want to have sex with you so get off my jock.” Bottom line: be a man.

March 8, 2006

Kathryn the Queen

Kudos to Kathryn, the uncontested social chair of the DC blog world, for spreading the word on NBC4 this afternoon. If you are a visitor from today’s program, I recommend you check out her blog and try to make it to her next happy hour. For more information about First Date DC, check out our about page.

My ex, my idol

K says,

i dated a girl all through college. we broke up at graduation mostly because of geography and the fact that we were each the only person we?d dated seriously and felt too young to commit even longer term, and not because feelings had really diminished. things have been rocky since then, suffice it to say much of the time we did not act very broken up. finally at the end of last year it was ultimatum time and it became clear that there?s not going to be a reunion any time soon, which admittedly was mostly her decision, but at least it seems pretty settled.

after 3? years of real relationship and another 2? of pseudo-relationship, i’m feeling pretty clueless about how to go about meeting people and getting things started, with natural shyness not helping (i have dated a couple other people but they were friends first and i pretty much knew it wasn?t going anywhere with college-girl still in the back of my mind). i’m also afraid that with my first relationship being so serious and setting such a high bar, and knowing i’ve romanticized this girl and college in general, that no new person is going to be able to measure up. thoughts? thanks.

DCB says,

You have no game, and the only girl you can go out with is one you meet in your social circle, where your options are very limited. That cute girl at the coffee shop? Nope, you are too scared to talk to her. The hot intern at work? Nope, you don’t know what to say.

How many girls have you actually dated? If you haven’t been out with dozens of girls, how do you really know the girl you were with is any good? You’ll be surprised how some women really got their shit together. I don’t want you to get too excited though, because I meet a lot of women and only one or two a year are memorable. But they can be worth wading through all the bullshit you will surely encounter.

You need to start putting yourself out there more. Find a guy that is pretty decent with women and hang out with him once a week. Stroke his ego and buy him drinks so that he lets you pick his brain. Follow his lead. Check out the now-ubiquitous “Lay Guide” for some basic advice. Go out with cool guys, drink, and talk to a boatload of women. Work on your game for a year or so and enjoy the end-result of having a sex life that depends on YOU and not random luck. Options are a wonderful thing. (Don’t expect to hear that from a woman.)

Kathryn says,

Expect to hear “options are a wonderful thing” from this woman. They are.

You have the entire world in front of you now. Hear me out. When you went off to college, you only knew what your parents allowed you to know (to a degree). And until now, you only knew of women what you saw in your ex and your same circle of friends. It’s time to experience everything else out there, for good or bad. Yes, you’ll meet some crappy women who aren’t worth your time and may even stomp on your heart. But you’ll also get to enjoy fun dates, sweet first kisses, and plenty of that guy bonding men do when they’re on the prowl. You’ll amass great stories to look back on fondly when you finally do settle down with the right lady.

As for where to find these women, experiences, and/or stories, I’m gonna be lazy and suggest you read this, where I said, “[quality] women can be found, depending on day, hour, and mood, at the gym, the grocery store, the dive bars, the charity circuit events, the newest, hippest lounges, the local Starbuck?s, the metro, the bookstore, ANYWHERE.”

Good luck.

March 7, 2006

Setting the precedent

paygal says,

I’ve always either tried to go dutch or at least offer to pay on dates, especially in the first few dates. my logic is: why pay when you don’t even know if you like me? The problem is, when it is determined that the guy *does* like me and more dates have been had/relationship is formed, they still don’t usually pay, and I end up just feeling like I have another friend I hook up with.

thoughts? advice? ridicule?

Kathryn says,

I am wondering how you go about the initial offers to pay for dates. Are you adamant? Won’t take “my treat” for an answer? If you are consistently stubborn on this issue the first few dates, you send the clear message that you always want to at least pay for yourself. Forever. Why would a guy argue with that if you make such a point of demonstrating that’s how you operate?

I must admit I’m at a bit of a loss on how one can tactfully say “Okay, now I’m ready for you to pay for all our dates, thanks,” particularly when it comes as such a departure from your former behavior. Sorry ’bout that. Still, I don’t think the situation is entirely lost. Would you feel comfortable making a point of saying an upcoming night out is your treat? It could be a gentle way to ease into at least taking turns paying for dates.

DCB says,

There are millions of girls right now enjoying a free ride of endless bar dates, mooching off horny guys who will do anything to get one step closer to getting laid, yet you are the only woman who is paying for it. If I could find a girl who will have sex with me regularly AND pay for dates then I’ve hit the jackpot. I’d definitely brag to all my friends, and exaggerate that she is paying off my car too. Why would I ever offer to pay and end the fantasy role-playing of pretending I’m a girl who “forgets” her wallet at home? Just stop paying, and the problem will go away, though a new problem will surface of guys not calling you back. We look forward to hearing from you again.

March 6, 2006

Ask away

As we take the day off, I just wanted to remind everyone to keep submitting questions. For the time it takes us to answer your question, we recommend you keep your partner in a state of apprehension by not having any contact. It will keep the relationship fresh.

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