First Date DC

Hahahaha- DCB, I’ll pay off your car if you follow me around saying funny things. I could use some consistent entertainment. We could have sex once in a while too, assuming you’re decent in bed. Let me know.

You shouldn’t offer to pay early on. You should start offering to pay on the fourth or fifth date.

Or you could make it clear from the beginning. Say something like “I’m paying for my half of the date because I don’t want you to expect sex. But if we do end up having sex, I expect to be reimbursed for these meals.” After sex, tell him how much he owes you previous meals/movies, but don’t give him the receipts, because it’s kinda tacky.

ridicule: And what a pity it is to be friends with your boyfriend. I don’t know how many women have told me they wish they didn’t get along with their boyfriend so well. “We hang out, talk for hours, do everything together, he communicates his feelings so well, he’s my best friend… what a pain in the ass.”

thoughts: What do you want from a relationship? Do you want to be wooed so the dinners and gifts keep coming and that status as wooer and wooee keeps a distance between the two of you or do you want a partner and friend to spend your life with?

advice: If you want him to woo you then he needs to be paying from date number one. If you’re looking for someone willing to support you while you stay at home with the kids then he needs to pay from date number one. If you’re doing the independent woman thing then at best you take turns paying for dinner.

Basically, after you pay for the first few dates you’ll come off as someone looking for free meals unless you get married, pregnant, and become a stay at home mom first.

email a picture to dcb @ dcbachelor.com

It’s not love if you get a receipt.

Why not just go Dutch at the start, and take turns paying later?

I agree with Kathryn. If you keep insisting you pay in the beginning, the guy is going to get used to it. I don’t think anyone should ever have to pay every time.

As for dutch, I do that with my friends, not dates.

And obviously the guy likes you if you’re on a date so who cares if he pays? And he’s going to want to pick up the bill to impress you.

This is funny, I know a girl who once told me, “if you ever go on a date with a girl and she offers to pay for some of it, do not let her, she will go home and tell her friends you are cheap.”

As a guy, I have run into problems letting girls pay. Later they give me a hard time about how much money they spent- so if possible I am usually willing to pay for things if I have the cash just to avoid this situation. No whining allowed since you are getting a free ride.

On the other hand, what you are saying is kind of lame. Your statement basically translates to: In the beginning I will be pretty cool and pay half for stuff because I don’t want you to think I owe you getting in my pants, but once you do get in my pants you need to foot the bill for everything even though I can afford to split it. I understand occassionally or even pretty frequently being treated to a dinner or drinks or a weekend or whatever, but the bottom line is that unless your boyfriend makes a lot more money than you do, you are basically saying, “I get to keep my money, but you need to spend all your on me.”

Kathryn’s right on the money with this one. Take him out next time ‘your treat.’

Hmm. Is this going to be another full blown “who pays?” debate?

The way I see it is different from most other people, because of the way I was raised I guess. The “rule” I follow is: whoever sets up the date, pays. So if the guy is asking a woman out on a date, and he picks the place, then the guy should pay. If the guy makes the girl pay, then he is allowing himself to be treated as a child as if his mother is paying for his food. Not good. He should be a manly gentleman and pay for at least the first few dates, and refuse her offers to split. And then after 4 or 5 dates, I’d relax this a little bit and go dutch from there… take turns in buying rounds of drinks or split small meals… letting it balance out from there during the relationship. But the guy still pays for nice dinners every now and then.

It would help though if the girl has great cooking skills and drives the guy around not to mention, bedroom gymnastic skills…

IMHO, every guy should adamantly and happily pay for each date. It’s a courting ritual. If he’s not trying to court you, then he’s just trying to fuck you. Unless he’s just really that poor, in which case he should be taking you on fun dates that don’t cost that much.

But as far as advice goes, talking about money in new relationship is petty and uncouth. I recommend saying nothing, and remember this for next time.

Well said, RCR! In any case, the first few dates really shouldn’t cost too much money because yall are still trying to feel each other out early on… and I’d save the $50 dinners for much later, when the relationship is more established

I don’t think I was clear about what I wrote…I meant that I go dutch on the first few dates, or buy movie tickets if he pays for dinner, etc. i’m not paying for the entire thing.

thanks for your comments, it’s good to see more than one side to a situation.

I totally understand what RCR is saying, but another thing to consider is that a lot of quality guys respect that you pay your own way unless he offers (and if he is a gentleman he will). This shows that you are not a moocher who is only interested in a man as an ATM. You can still want an ambitious, hardworking guy with a good job, but offering (doesn’t mean you actually end up doing so) to pay for the little stuff is in my opinion very attractive and very respectful.

Offering is fine and appreciated, but don’t think that we men are so dense that we can’t tell the difference between when our dates are graciously accepting our hospitality and when they are self-entitled mooches looking for a free ride.

Normally I am a jackass when it comes to these posts, offering advice reserved for humor/shock/stupidity, but this post has hit a nerve, and I will offer my sincere thoughts on the matter. Having been in relationships, I agree with RCR- as part of the courting ritual, men SHOULD willingly pay for dinner with an understanding that it does not guarantee anything in return, regardless of how expensive the meal is. As time progresses, a girl should offer to pay for some meals/movie tickets/etc- nothing beyond her means, but just to show that she can contribute to the cost of dating. If there is a relationship, then purchase decisions/money matters need to be evaluated on a different level. As well, if the guy is poor, and the woman is loaded- this is especially applicable.

A very good friend of mine was a special education teacher in DC, who moved away about a year ago. He worked for the DC school system, and barely made a living. He starting dating a very nice woman, who was a big time lawyer at a recognized firm in DC. He made 1/6 of what she pulled down annually, but she almost never offered to pay for meals/evenings out. This was ridiculous to me, and especially to him. After a while, it eventaully became a major point of contention in the relationship, and contributed to the break up. It is important that regardless of whether a person is male/female- there is some thought that goes into this, and people who are dating need to be sensitive about it.

In general, a man should pick a restaurant/date spot that represents a comfort range of spending for two. If a guy is loaded/wants to impress/loves great food- then Marcel’s, Citronelle, Cashion’s, Cityzen, Mendocino, etc. should be fine. For more medium tastes/budgets/etc- Daily Grill, Clydes, Zaytinya, etc will do the trick. On a budget- Malaysia Kopitiam, Too Amy’s, etc. work as well. The problem is that many guys like to try and impress beyond their means, because many women (not all), are motivated by the opportunity for dating a guy who will provide monetary security and comfort- it’s a fact, and ritz/glitz of a first date gives a definitive impression of whether a guy is cheap/average/loaded when it comes to his finances. It also, unfortunately, dictates whether or not there is a follow up date- for the right or wrong reasons.

My advice is that you let the guy pay for the first few dates, and then contribute along the way- using discretion, and this does not make it ok for you to buy a lollipop as your contribution, unless you perform some intricate acts on it.

I know I’ve weighed in on this subject before. If I insist on going dutch, it’s my way of telling you that we are just friends, and you have no chance in hell of getting into my pants. As DCBachelor has called me out on, I do always offer to pay on a first date, but won’t go on a second date if he does actually let me pay for my half. It’s not that I’m insincerely offering to pay. I wouldn’t scoff if he let me pay, I just wouldn’t go out with him again. I’m not saying that I think that guys need to pay every single time, but a guy that lets me pay on the first date is ultimately not the kind of guy that I want to date long term. In all fairness, if I were guy, I would want to pay for the first date, just to show her the type of guy I would be, but I would be sort of turned off if she just sat there and didn’t even offer. The gesture means a lot.

Also this is DC. Maybe he assumes that you are some liberal feminist that is disgusted by antiquated notions that women need to be taken care of men.

Puzzled Poster - for what it’s worth, I agree with your comment also. I like this side of you.

Holiday - yes, the feminist thing is of concern. A girl told me the other day that she thought the act of lighting a girl’s cigarette for her is a way for a man to demonstrate power over a woman. Chivalry and feminism seem to but heads a lot. It’s moot, though, because if she’s using our date to make some political statement, I’m not going to take her out again anyway.

Whoever you are Holiday, I must bust on you too. You play a game, and that’s not cool.

If you offer to pay, there should not be any consquences to the guy for letting you pay. To have consequences that are unsaid, when you say its not insincere, IT IS! He has NO CHANCE of getting a second date if he takes you up on the offer.

Forget that! Sorry, but you’re the type of girl I actively avoid. Men are logical, stubborn, and pig-headed by our very nature. So here’s a tip. Don’t make that offer. You’ve probably lost out on several good 2nd dates with high quality men who were just too damn logical for their own good.

Well, this is a sticky issue. If a girl doesn’t offer to pay her half, then I would start having my doubts as to whether she is looking for a quality man or just a free ride. Everyone seems to have different opinions about whether who pays, so that is why my first dates are low-budget and then it gradually goes higher over time while we balance things out later on after me taking the tab on the first few dates, whether she offers or not.

For the first date I expect to pay. If she objects, and I haven’t dated a woman yet who didn’t object, I tell her that if it really bothers her that I’m paying then she can get it next time. I think it breaks down with me paying for between 2/3 and 3/4 of the meals or I get the meal and she gets the movie tickets.

I don’t mind paying for the first date or two … but once you’re in a relationship with someone, I do expect the woman to pay half, unless she’s poor or something. paygal, it sounds like you think that it should be reversed, which I don’t understand. To me if a guy is paying for everything, that is more of a “sugar-daddy” type relationship.

I think when dating started, guys probably did pay for everything. But girls baked guys cookies, knitted sweaters for them, made them dinner … stuff today’s modern career girl is probably a bit too busy for!

I avoid this predicament by offering feats of strength dates. “What do you want to do?” “Let’s go throw concrete blocks at the construction site.” Nobody pays nothing. Done. Seriously, it’s a date. It’s not an appendectomy. You shouldn’t have to check your insurance coverage for deductibles. RCR is right, talking about money in new relationship is just uncool. Imagine if you were at a Nats game with friends, would you count who owed each beers? As for first dates, I usually slip the waiter my card discreetly during the date, ie bathroom break, and when the bill comes, “don’t worry about it, it’s taken care of” does the job. Or I just slip out the bathroom window after eating and stick her with the bill.

I would never let a guy pay all the time or expect him to. It’s like saying that you’re too good for him and the only way he can be worthy of your time is if he pays for it. That smacks of prostitution, doesn’t it?

That being said, I don’t think you should go Dutch every single time either. That’s what friends do. I usually let him pay for the first date then we take turns after that. I also never go anywhere expensive on a first date.

But maybe I’m out of touch with what the girls in DC do. I like to cook my boyfriends dinner then sack out on the couch to watch the hockey game/a movie. It’s a nice easy way to spend some time together and all he has to do is the dishes. =)