I met him at a weekend bar get together orchestrated by a friend of a friend–he’s part of their crowd. We chatted a long time that night, really hit it off and exchanged e-mail addresses. He e-mailed me early the next week and asked me to get together for drinks. I agreed, we made plans, and subsequently exchanged a few brief but chatty e-mails prior to the actual date.
We got together for what ended up being a decently long outing–we had good conversation, seemed to have a lot in common–although we only had 2 drinks each. He paid (it was happy hour, so not pricey) but I did offer to leave the tip–he declined. As we were splitting off to head home, we both said we had a good time and he made a point of saying “we should do this again.”
The next day, I sent him the e-mail below, followed by his response. I’m not really invested but want to determine for future reference: is he blowing me off or merely trying to put the ball in my court to ask HIM out for date #2? I’m especially confused if it is option #1 by the fact that he included follow up on our convos. Thanks!
From woman to man,
Hi Man,
Thanks again for drinks last night. I had a good time–we should do it again.
By the way, I ran into my [friend who knows our mutual acquaintance that we discussed. She said that he’s now working at Firm in New City.]
Have a good night,
Woman
From man to woman,
Me, too. And thanks for coming all the way up to my neighborhood — I realized as I walked home that I got the better half of that deal.
And thanks for the [mutual acquaintance] update. For my part, I googled around to find out [about that random issue we discussed. It turns out the answer is ____ ] . . .
Take care,
Man
Kathryn says,
Hm. Tough call. Let’s break it down.
Positives: He had already met you in person, and pursued seeing you again. He said he had a good time. He took the time to investigate and report back on a topic you all discussed. He paid. He said he wanted to get together again.
Negatives: There was no kiss. There was no definitive plan-making when you parted company. There was no mention of a next time in his last email. And, finally, he signed off with “take care.” I usually read that to mean “see ya” and/or “don’t call me, I’ll call you.” Ditto “Cheers.”
In my mind, the negative indicators outweigh the positive indicators. I think he’s just not that into you. I don’t think he’s trying to get you to ask him out again. But it’s been a while since you submitted this question - definitely let me know if I’m wrong and you guys have been living happily ever after.
DCB says,
Why did you send him an email? That was definitely a bad move because you can’t be sure if he replied to you out of courtesy or because he is genuinely interested. Bottom line: he did not ask you out again. And what’s with the “take care” at the end of the email? That’s something you say to a friend you run into every three years. Under no circumstance do you email or ask this guy out. If he’s a man who is interested, he should not need any encouragement, especially since he aleady took you out once. In the future you need to resist contacting a guy you like before he has an opportunity to do so first.
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Why does HE have to do the work? Why is all the pressure on him? He asked her out for the first date, now it’s time that she shows that the interest is returned. Let HER ask him out now. It’s the 21st century. Unless they’re Southern Baptists the woman should not only be able, but be expected, to make some effort.
Maybe he’s not into her. That’s fine. But he can either turn her down or say that he’s not interested. Fuck these stupid mind games. Stop trying to analyze his every syllable. The only words that matter are “Yes” and “No”.
Woman, if you want the answer to your question then ask him out.
Comment by Ibid on 03/14/06.
I agree with Ibid. That is the best way to find out what you want to know. But as Kathryn said, this was a while ago, so we now need an update on what happened!!
“Take care” is the same as saying “run along now.”
Comment by AUA on 03/14/06.
Yeah, the key is the “Take care” signature. At first I was thinking maybe he couldn’t come up with an appropriate signature for the e-mail, until I remembered a) it’s an e-mail, so he had all the time in the world to come up with it and b) “Take care” is a terrible way to sign an e-mail.
Comment by Matt on 03/14/06.
Sit at home. Feh. I get out and make the most of DC. Most people don’t know this, but you don’t need someone holding your hand in order to leave the house. You can do things by yourself.
The point is that if a woman is interested in a guy she shouldn’t hint around and bat her eyes and hope the guy puts 2 and 2 together and asks her out. She should just ask the guy out. It’s not unfeminine or aggressive or assertive. It’s just taking the same basic risks that guys have been asked to take for the centuries. You wanna be equals? Then be equal? Otherwise I want nothing to do with ya.
Comment by Ibid on 03/14/06.
I agree with Kathryn. It sounds like he’s not that into you. Maybe he decided that he’s not attracted to you, or he’s dating someone else. Don’t pursue it further.
If the guy is completely oblivious, then I would urge the woman to make her feelings known by asking him out. In this sitch, however, the next-day email (not a good idea, btdubs - DCB is right) made it fairly clear that she was interested in a second date. So the ball was clearly in his court - asking him out would be a setup for rejection. IMHO.
Please, I’ve never met a woman who didn’t say “we should do this again”, “I had a good time”, “we should get together again”, etc. after a date. Sometimes they mean it, sometimes they don’t. It’s like saying “thanks” when someone holds a door for you. It’s a simple courtesy that doesn’t actually mean anything.
Comment by Ibid on 03/14/06.
Okay, how many woman say “we should do this again,” and then email you *the very next day* to reiterate it? That’s more than courtesy.
And generally I am thankful when someone hold a door for me.
Quite a few. Of course, when I tried to set anything up it’s just a long list of meetings, family obligations, friends from out of town, etc. while still insisting they want to go out sometime. This continues until I tell them they can give me a call when their life opens up.
I had a really nice time last night (thank God there was that chick sitting down at the bar whose g-sting was showing above her jeans, at least I was amused by something during the evening). It was nice getting together for drinks (you only drank two drinks- you prudish bitch- I couldn?t even get you to loosen up and talk about the time you used the double ended with your roommate in college- oh yeah, FYI- I know all about that).
As I was walking home last night (alone, because you failed to get drunk, rub my junk under the table, or whisper that you like wearing nipple clamps) I realized that I got the better half of the deal (my hand can please me in ways that only a 12 year old in a chat room can describe), because I was so close to my place, and you had to go so far- I really appreciate it (thanks for not wasting any more of my time schlepping around the city ? our time together was shitty enough).
Take care (I would rather stick bamboo shoots into my urethra than hang out with you again)
Somedude
PS- Burning, itching, oozing lesions, painful urination- those are all symptoms of herpes. You should have your Grandmother go to the doctor immediately.
Comment by puzzled poster on 03/14/06.
okay the “take care” signature is pretty bad.
What do you think is a BETTER way to sign an email?
Comment by nabeel on 03/14/06.
Kathryn is right. He’s just not that into you. And you already made the first move, and polite move, by e-mailing him the next day to thank him. I’d leave it as it is. If he’s into you, he’ll come to you.
“What do you think is a BETTER way to sign an email?”
Not signing it at all.
Comment by Matt on 03/14/06.
Also, Kathryn and DCB missed this gem:
“We chatted a long time that night, really hit it off and *exchanged e-mail addresses*. He e-mailed me early the next week and asked me to get together for drinks.”
Not surprising that a dude who lacks the social skills to a) ask for her damn number and b) ask her out over the damn phone has trouble expressing whether he’s interested in her or not.
Comment by Matt on 03/14/06.
Well, if he was really interested the best way to sign off would be “see you soon.”
Comment by Heather on 03/14/06.
Better ways to end an email, assuming you want to indicate interest in seeing the other person again in a situation like this:
Hope to see you again soon,
Talk to you later,
xo,
Giddily anticipating our next date,
Yours,
I come from a long line of frontiersman and outdoor-types,
Good night,
Thank you again,
…
Our date and/or conversation was most pleasant. It may be possible that I hope to maybe see you in the near future, or perhaps later. I trust this correspondence finds you well, and, as such, you need not reply.
hey kathryn, that’s a good list to choose from - Thanks. although I can’t help falling out of my chair laughing at this one: “Giddily anticipating our next date” … girl, don’t tell me a guy ever used that sig on you :O
Talk to you soon,
Nabeel
Comment by nabeel on 03/14/06.
I online dated for 8 years before I met my husband (yep, back in the days of IRC and 9600 baud), and I can tell you that the “Take Care” signoff is a kiss of death. He’s not interested.
(In case you’re wondering, the best signoffs are the creative ones where you can tell he’s trying to impress you, such as “Hungover, but Kenny Loggins makes it all better” or “Still laughing thinking about your X story” or “You were right, McGriddles taste like McShit”
Comment by DCRookie on 03/14/06.
Nabeel - I got a variation on that when I was going to visit a Long Distance Lover:
“Giddily anticipating your visit,”
And DCRookie is right-on about the humorous sign-offs as a positive sign. Where do you think I got the line about frontiersman? From a smart, funny guy with whom I love to discuss Raisin’ Arizona.
These are all good comments, but I think Matt takes it w/ the pussy e-mail address exchange. Unless it is promptly followed up w/ a phone call–he is not that into you. Who the hell only asks for an e-mail address? If you think the person is worth more serious follow-up, you want numbers exchanged.
For the record, I have asked girls for email addresse rather than phone numbers and ended up getting dates (and more). And I have even asked girls out over email, or even better, by text message and got dates. Some girls have weird phone phobias - they only respond to email and text messages, not phone calls. So I don’t think any of that matters here.
Hard to know what happened in this situation, but sounds like he wasn’t that happy with the way the date went.
Comment by Chaco on 03/14/06.
I once got a “take care” in the same e-mail that a guy asked me to come by and hang out for the evening. Talk about a mixed message. Now he says, “talk to you soon” but what does that even mean??
Comment by Sally on 03/14/06.
Email is the beta-man’s close, and one that I used to do almost exclusively. I had a very nice email system which worked for me, but I quickly learned that phone game is much more powerful. I absolutely refuse to get a girl’s email address now.. it’s like a race car driver being asked if he wants to go for a moped ride.
Sally, in your case it probably means nothing. It probably didn’t even occur to him that “take care” might sound like a blow off to many people.
And, being deaf, I get contact info which would be either email or phone number for text messaging… although not for voice exchange. Now that does not make me less of a person like a few people might be implying.
Comment by nabeel on 03/14/06.
I had no idea that “take care” was such a poor choice of closing… I guess that explains things. I always thought it was a noce way to end an email. Well I will not be using that again!
A person has to worry about psychos. Someone who has your phone number is a lot harder to shake than someone who has your e-mail address. A woman who isn’t sure yet if you’re nuts or just silly is more likely to give up an e-mail address than a phone number.
Comment by Ibid on 03/14/06.
u know, reading this just reaffirms why dating just sux. Regardless, both parties probably feel somewhat sh!tty about this exchange. He probably liked her… just doesn’t sound like sparks igniting. She moved way too fast. Give the guy a chance to think about it (I think that you can write to thank if he already asked you out & you think he needs reassurance).
DCB gave great advice. Hold back when you can. Guys LIKE to wonder, like to pursue and it dampens the spark for them if they know they have you..
such a game. i will say - when it is right - usually less of a game.
Comment by chicbutnotshady on 03/14/06.
1. She should have waited at least a day to see if he contacted her first. I’m not about playing games, but I am about not being needy/seeming too eager.
2. Email is fine at first, but eventually you have to man up on the phone. He should have emailed her, said “give me a call” and given her his number. OR asked for her number and called her himself to ask out for drinks.
3. I avoid the signature phrase altogether and just do this…
“Email is fine at first, but eventually you have to man up on the phone. He should have emailed her, said ‘give me a call’ and given her his number. OR asked for her number and called her himself to ask out for drinks.”
EXACTLY. You arranged to have drinks over e-mail, it went swimmingly, and he STILL can’t get the courage to talk to you on the phone? The tragedy of the Internet Age.
Comment by Matt on 03/15/06.
AsianMistress: “1. She should have waited at least a day to see if he contacted her first. I?m not about playing games, but I am about not being needy/seeming too eager.”
Playing games means waiting to call. If you like someone, just call them when you feel like it. If they like you back, they’ll just be relieved that you called. You play games you’re killing time with, not people you actually like.
Comment by holiday on 03/15/06.
Hi, I’m the one who posted the e-mail in the first place. Thanks for all the input. I definitely agree that “Take care” was a huge indication of a blow-off. (And FYI, after getting that e-mail from him, I didn’t reply and haven’t heard from him–or heard thru the grapevine that he wants to hear from me, or anything.) But I didn’t have any problem with exchanging e-mails. I actually prefer to get in touch that way at least at first. As someone above said, it’s just easier to shake someone if you end up needing to when you’re not dodging phone calls. As far as what the Rock Creek Rambler and others said about my next-day e-mail having been a bad idea: maybe next day was too soon, but should i just totally have left the ball in his court? Just speaking for myself, if the initial date was my idea, but then the guy gave me no specific encouragement afterward, I probably wouldn’t contact him again unless he was the be-all and end-all. (And let’s face it, how often does that happen on a first date?)
