Is there really such a thing as a guy wanting to spend insane amounts of time with you but not being interested in you in a romantic way?
The scenario: I am good friends with this guy and we spend an insane amount of time together (more than I would spend with a boyfriend) we never get tired of each other but it has never been anything more than just friends.
We’ve talked about how similar we are, that we love how well we get along, etc. I know that I want it to be more than friends but he doesn’t seem to want to at all. (He has bluntly said: I have no idea what I want right now).
So…the question is: Why on earth would a guy spend seriously every day hanging out with me, going to dinner, museums, ice skating, etc. and really not be interested in anything more than friends? I thought men always have an agenda?!
Other facts that could be helpful: He’s straight. I’m in the same league (looks-wise) as girls he’s hooked up with/dated.
DCB says,
You are not as hot as you think. He isn’t sexually attracted to you, or else he would have no problem trying to jump your bones. He’s just using you for companionship until he finds a hotter girl.
Kathryn says,
There could be two things going on with this guy.
1. Though you may be in the same league looks-wise as other girls he’s liked and/or been attracted to, you may not be his “type.” Though you may be an 8 and they’re all 8s as well, you just aren’t someone he wants. Sometimes, when you get to be really good friends with someone of the opposite sex, they become less attractive to you over time. You would still describe them to someone else as good-looking, but you lose that sexual interest in them for yourself.
2. He considers you a “someday girl,” someone he figures he’ll eventually be man enough to treat well, but for now puts on a pedestal and likes to play “good guy” around her.
But it’s probably 1.
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He could be scared. But if he dates as much as you indicate I’d doubt that.
Could be there’s no chemistry. It’s not uncommon to find someone who fills every spot on your mental checklist, but there’s no spark so nothing happens.
He could be crazy about you, but there’s one thing that puts him off. Maybe you smoke and he doesn’t date smokers. Maybe you want kids and he’d prefer to be tied down while bamboo sprouts grow through his torso.
It could be that you’ve known each other for so long that he doesn’t think of you that way.
It could be that he sees women as something to be screwed and thrown away but you’re the emotional support that sex partners don’t provide.
You could have something nasty stuck in your teeth.
Comment by Ibid on 03/27/06.
I agree with Kathryn’s #1. I’ve become friends with females I would normally consider to be quite attractive while they were dating other guys. Once those relationships ended, I really wasn’t attracted to them, even though I would describe them as being attractive-to-hot. It happens.
Comment by Anonymous on 03/27/06.
“I know that I want it to be more than friends but he doesn?t seem to want to at all.”
Or he does and doesn’t feel the same way. Have you told him how you feel about him? “I don’t know what I want right now” and “I’m not interested in you” are mutually exclusive statements.
Comment by Matt on 03/27/06.
I’m also inclined to think he thinks you’re unattainable, that’s the only other explanation for going to museums and ice skating with you other than him being gay. Straight guys only do that sort of thing for two reasons: So they can have sex with you later, or on the odd chance they’ll be able to have sex with you further down the road.
Comment by Matt on 03/27/06.
Question 1: What are you doing? Are you actively trying to signal him, or are you not signaling anything at all?
Question 2: Does he ever talk to you about dates her CURRENTLY has?
If She’s of comparable hotness to other girls, then I call BS that he thinks she’s unattainable.
I vote that you’re being kept in the wings, as insurance.
Comment by Stephen on 03/27/06.
My experience is this is exactly how friends fall in love. I’ve seen it happen. You start out just friends for some reason, it doesn’t become more until someone NUTS UP and says something. If you want it to be more then maybe that should be your role. If he says he cares about you, but doesn’t like you like that then so be it. At least you’ll know and can move on and start spending you’re time with a great guy who will also put out.
“I don’t know what I want right now” means he is gay. Come on, it’s the only explanation (and just because he has banged chicks in the past does not make him straight).
Comment by Chaco on 03/27/06.
I am in a similar situation, we spend alot of time together but there is absolutely no spark. I bet it’s just the fact that there is no chemistry… it works very well on the friendship level, but nothing sexual can ever happen. It seems like the #1 to me!
Comment by girl on 03/27/06.
Happened to me in college. Used to KISS this guy hello/goodbye. He would rub my feet. I swear I would sleep with just about anyone who rubs me feet. Nothing. When he found out “what he wanted” it was-other men. Unfortunately his timing sucked and he died of AIDS in 1983. I miss him still.
I think your friend is gay.
Comment by GingerDaisy on 03/28/06.
You actually do (or he thinks you do, same thing) act like, look like, sound like his sister or his mother. Or someone has told him this. Or there is some other element of you that attracts him socially (you feel like family) but repels him sexually (threat of incest, it’s real).
Find someone about yourself you would like to change–not related to him in any way. Monster trucks instead of museums, indie rock instead of Vivaldi, or go the other way. Important: it’s your change. See what happens.
Comment by Anon on 03/28/06.
I think you are just another hot chick that’s fallen for a gay guy. This seems to be a fairly common thing. The frustration point is that there are many hot straight guys out there that would love to meet you and jump your bones.
He’s gay. End of story. The sooner you both admit it, the better for both of you.
Comment by bonney on 03/28/06.
GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!! I was in a similar situation for 6 months, and in the end I was the one who go hurt. I can see the “someday girl” theory but is that really it??!?! Cut the strings now and walk away. TRUST ME!!!!
Comment by anonymous on 03/28/06.
I am in the exact same situation right now. It’s driving me insane. Today is the day I throw a hand grenade in the middle of it…either we are or we aren’t, but this crap isn’t going to continue.
I am in a similar position with a guy whom I have been speaking to for months and months on the phone.. Nearly 2-3 hrs/day.. But the question is do you really have chemistry for him?? Ya know? If you looked deep down into your soul- do you really like HIM? or the thought of what he could be? Is it just that you want a boyfriend and he’s around- so that would work? Or is this the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? If its’ A then just enjoy the time you have with him and if it’s B- then do something abt it! good luck
Comment by Veronica on 03/28/06.
Guys aren’t generally great at impulse control when it comes to sex, hence the confusion. Hence, also, the “he’s just not that into you” rule. I’m currently dating someone who took me ice skating and then to Ben’s Chili Bowl for a late dinner– then he walked me home and left. I figured the HJNTIY rule applied, but it turned out that he actually liked me, was a bit shy and we’re still dating.
I know it’s crappy when you feel like someone so compatible isn’t returning your affections– but look on the bright side, you’ve got an awesome friend/escort until you find the right guy for you!
Comment by anoushka on 03/28/06.
” . . . look on the bright side, you?ve got an awesome friend/escort until you find the right guy for you!”
That’s a great approach to dating if you like being a quitter. Get off your money maker and go find a guy that wants to pound you until your headboard shatters. You can still hang out with the gay friend and all, but quit waiting on him to switch religons.
So is it safe to say their is nothing wrong for leaving a “friend” after you ask them and they say their is nothing more then a friendship there? I mean afterall everyone says make yourself happy first. And if you can’t be “happy” with this person, why bother sticking around. Maybe once you leave they will realize what they are missing?? It’s a shame situations like this happen.
