First Date DC

“but seriously, when should i call?”
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April 28, 2006

The email game

isemailokay says,

Quick question–what are your thoughts on asking for a girl’s email address before asking for her phone number? Do girls see this as totally gutless or is it acceptable?

Kathryn says,

Most of the time, it’s gutless. Times it is not:

1. You met online and are using your screen names and/or a site’s built-in messaging to communicate, and you’re ready to take the next step - “real” email.
2. You are about to go out of the country for a while, and therefore can’t really call her, but you will have occasional access to email, and you want to communicate with her however you can.
3. You’re Ned Gerblansky and have to speak with an electronic voicebox.

If none of the above apply, just sack up and ask for her number already.

DCB says,

The most important reason I don’t go for email is because of the time factor. To set up a date through email takes more time and effort than a phone call. Email adds an unnecessary step before talking on the phone, so there is no point to add the email step since you will end up on the phone anyway.

A lot of guys think they should go for the email because they didn’t build a strong enough connection for the phone number, but they don’t realize how much harder it is to build through a computer. My personal rule: if you didn’t establish enough rapport to talk to her on the phone, then don’t close her. No email, no myspace, no screen name. This is why it’s important to be on top of your game at all times.

April 27, 2006

Friends zone danger

Nick writes,

I have been dating this girl who is pretty shy for about a month now. I think it has been about five dates. Normally I would have slept with or at least made out with a girl after a month. However, she has had bronchitis for the past two weeks, so I have been able to do is give her a brief peck of a kiss and just put my arm around her and what not when we watch a movie. Because we haven’t crossed that getting intimate boundary yet I am in unfamiliar territory for dating a girl this long. I’m hoping that she will be ok by next weekend. Normally I wouldn’t make any comments about kissing and just go for it, but because of the situation I have said stuff like, “I really want to kiss you but I don’t want to get sick.”

Also, as I mentioned she is pretty shy. She doesn’t really call me, but always returns my calls right away if I miss her. Normally if a girl doesn’t call me that much I assume that she isn’t really interested, but this girl talks about doing things in the future and has taken me along to meet her friends and stuff. Plus, she hasn’t ever initiated any physical affection, but doesn’t respond adversely if I do. I don’t know if it is because she’s been feeling crappy though. I really like her, but I can’t read her that well. Any advice ?

DCB says,

Newsflash: her bronchitis is imaginary. As a shy girl she has invented crafty ways to avoid getting intimate. Bronchitis is not something you can catch like a cold — it’s an illness that lies deep within her lungs, sort of like how you are deep in the friends zone. “I really want to kiss you”? What kind of lame ass shit is that? Just because she is throwing you off your game doesn’t mean you have to borrow lines from the movies to fill in the awkward silences.

My suggestion is to call her out on the bronchitis and say deep down she is a scared little girl who can’t handle intimacy with a man such as yourself. But before you do, have a camera ready. I want you to take a picture the instant she freaks out and then email it to me. I’ll be able to judge in her reaction if she was lying about the bronchitis or not.

Kathryn says,

Um, sounds to me like you guys had two weeks’ worth of opportunities to kiss prior to her bronchitis diagnosis. Why didn’t anything happen then? Also, if she’s well enough to have dates with you, why isn’t she well enough to kiss you? Are you guys 14? Is she scared to death of her first kiss?

No matter what the answers to those questions are, and no matter how much longer she claims to have this nokissitis crap, PLANT ONE ON HER. Do not delay - on your next date, kiss her and end this nonsense.

April 26, 2006

Speed dating

Speed writes,

Speed dating: Yea or nea?

I tried the Match.com thing for a little while, but found - unsurprisingly - the options a little unappealing. I’ve grown tired of the bar scene as well.

I figure speed dating is probably little better than Internet dating, but I thought I’d seek your (and your readers) insight.

Thanks in advance.

DCB says,

While I’ve never tried speed dating, I think it’s an awesome idea because it condenses an entire night of going out into a half hour of high-impact conversations, something that is hard to achieve with club or bar hopping. My only concern is that the speed dating event will be full of genetic rejects who couldn’t cut it in the “normal” scene. There will most likely be one or two highly desirable individuals from each sex that everyone wants to bang.

Kathryn says,

I say… why not. It never hurts to be “out there” - you never know whom you’re going to meet, and who their friends/coworkers/acquaintances might be. My only caveat would be to temper your expectations - as in, keep them low. That way, any connection you make, whether romantic, friendly, professional, or otherwise, will be a nice surprise. Consider it smalltalk practice, maybe? Or an experiment in reading others’ body language and interest in you? I believe you find out at the end who has asked to contact you later, which I imagine is occasionally surprising. In other words, go for it, but think of it as a game-honing exercise above all.

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April 25, 2006

Online dating sucks

Chris writes,

I met a girl on a online dating service. We talked on the phone several times and exchanged pictures. She is an attractive woman and she said she liked my looks too. We had conversations dealing with children, past dating disasters and likes and dislikes. We agreed that we should meet in person. Onr first attempt at meeting fell through and she suggested that I come to meet her where she was working in alabama. I agreed and she seemed happy with that. Since then she has been not returning or answering my phone calls and has returned my calls to say she’s not blowing me off but she’s been very busy. Then two days before i am suppose to drive from Tennessee to Alabama to meet her, she calls me and says her dog, which travels with her, is going to have to have emergency surgery and we will have to put our weekend on hold. Question is what do I do? Do I believe her and hang on or do I blow her off and move on? I really felt like we made a connection and shared alot in common.

DCB says,

She got creeped out that you were willing to make the 3-hour trip to Alabama to meet her. She sensed that only a really desperate guy would be willing to go to the armpit of the United States for poon. I really don’t think you are in the position to blow her off, so please move on. I don’t believe you bought the “my dog needs emergency surgery” excuse. It’s something I use all the time and I don’t even have a dog.

Kathryn says,

I also believe she got freaked out by the prospect of having to spend an entire weekend with a near-stranger from the internet. I do think the best option here is to forget about her and move on, but if you just can’t let it go, here’s what I would do. First, step back and see if she makes an effort to contact you and reschedule. Do NOT hound her, make yourself overly available for driving down there any other time, or otherwise appear desperate. If she does make some effort and does set up a new weekend with you, do everything you can to make it low-pressure. Get a hotel room for yourself so you won’t depend on her for housing. See if there are other things you can plan to do there, or friends in the area you can plan to see, so you won’t depend on her for 24-7 entertainment. Slow and steady. Or, as Elaine Benes would say, you’re trying to get a scared little squirrel to come eat out of your hand. Don’t make any BIG, SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

April 24, 2006

Missed opportunity?

Point of no return? writes,

So about a month ago I met a guy at a bar. Talked and hit it off and gave him my number, something that rarely happens. He actually called and we got along well. We went on 5 or 6 dates with calls two or three times per week. He paid for some dates, I paid for some dates. Last weekend he slept over, but there was no sex. After that last weekend, there were no calls. I called him (waited for 4 days), left message, he called back and we talked for over an hour. Got a text from him the next night. Have not heard from him since. My question: I’m totally getting blown off, aren’t I? The hard part is, I actually do want to sleep with him. Is there any way to re-initiate the dating? Or did I miss my chance??

FYI: Had been in 2 long term monagamous relationships and only had 2 partners, hence the hesitancy of sleeping w/ someone new.

DCB says,

Yes, you are getting blown off. You should have had sex with him when you slept over, assuming you had the chance. If you are decent in the sack, it may have been enough to trick him into taking you out in future dates.

There is no way to re-initiate this unfortunately, for any chasing move on your part makes you appear desperate. Look on the bright side, you will probably run into him again in the future. He will probably be drunk and very willing to continue where he left off. Alcohol makes us do things like that. But please, don’t take that as a sign he is seriously interested.

Kathryn says,

Word, DCB.

I predict, in a few months, if you think back on this sequence of events you’ll realize he wasn’t showing the interest you thought he was at the time.

Also, I have a feeling he may have started seeing someone else.

April 22, 2006

I am an idiot

If you wrote in between Wednesday night and Friday morning, please re-submit your question. Your question was sent to an invalid address, lost in cybserspace forever.

April 21, 2006

Hot for Exec. Assistant

Stoopid Monkey writes,

Dear FDDC,

I’ve been hanging out with the executive assistant at my office pretty regularly since she got rehired. During her first stint working at the company, we barely spoke. At present time theres been about 70% turn over at the office and I’m one of the few people left that smokes.

Our smoke breaks went from the usula chit-chat into more personal stuff; like how abusive our single-mothers were/are. We talk about failed relationships and the desire to go back to those people even though it’s nothing but drama. We have the same goofy sense of humor, etc. She talks about the guys she fucks and I talk about the women I bang.

Over the past couple of months, she was having car trouble and I would give her rides home every night. We’d sit and talk or go grab dinner. Essentially, we were spending way too much time together to be just “co-workers”. I have developed feelings for her. I just wanted to fuck her in the beginning, but the more we talk the more I want to have a relationship with her. However, since her last relationship about three months ago she’s gone all whorish with banging her male roommates. She cries on my shoulder about how she’s not like that and how she misses her ex and blah blah blah.

I know she’s not really ready to be in any kind of relationship. And I’m probably not either. She’s ADHD and I’m Bi-Polar with severe depression. It is the blind leading the blind. Everyone in the office can see that I’m infatuated, in a crush, love. . .whatever. And she’s very perceptive about a man’s level of attraction to her. Everyone in the office keeps asking me what the deal is. I’m a consultant so there are lots of demands on my time as well as hers, yet we both drop everything for the other instantly. People know to go through her if they want to get something from me and vice versa.

We always have a great time together and it’s getting to the point where neither one of us wants to hear about the other’s sex-life. I find myself making booty-calls to other girls just to spite her obliviousness to my clear infatuation. I’m trying to separate from her because my level of frustration is so high, but she’s always in my head.

Like I said, neither one of us is really in a place that makes a relationship viable. She’s fighting for custody of her son. I’m suing a stalker (defamation and whole other can of worms) and taking care of my sick mother. We’re there for each other trying to offer sound advice and assistance whenever possible. Any little thing that weighs on me, she wants to be part of the solution or help me deal, and I do the same for her.

Now, all I want to do when I see her is jump her bones and confess my “whatever” to her. If she turns me away I’ll be devastated and I’m sure it will kill whatever this relationship is. If I do nothing, I’m stuck in a place I don’t want to be anymore(the “friend zone”).

Which path do I take? Confess or just walk away. I awit your sage and thoughtful replies.

Stoopid Monkey

DCB says,

Let’s review the reality of this situation:

1. She is clinically crazy. Well, as close as you can get to crazy without being called that by a doctor.

2. She has a kid.

3. She is your coworker.

Bro, can I have some of the crack you are on? This girl has BAD NEWS written all over her slutty face. I know this is a fun fantasy but nothing good can come of it (except for the notch of course). Run away while you still can. But whatever you do, do not confess your feelings to her. That will always be the worst option any man can do to a woman he’s in the friends zone with. It works in the movies, but not in real life. IT NEVER HAS.

Kathryn says,

It’s times like these I’m glad there are handy cliches to fall back on.

Don’t dip your pen in the company ink.

Don’t shit where you eat.

Don’t fuck crazy chicks.

I might have made that last one up, or paraphrased something DCB once wrote.

Can you leave your job and get a new one? Then block her phone number, email, IM, everything? Because honestly, man, not even I can find the slightest positive thing in your entire relationship. She’s using you for emotional support, you both have mental problems best resolved in a therapist’s office and not in a relationship, you are torturing yourself over her actions, and most importantly… you’re making a fool of yourself at work. You said everyone knows you guys are personally involved, to the point that you drop what you’re doing to attend to her personal needs. People go to her to get what they need from you. NONE OF THIS IS GOOD. They clearly aren’t afraid to fire people at your office. Please leave before they fire you.

Time to start over while you still can.

April 20, 2006

The double question

couldusesomehelp writes,

I’ve got a question I could use some help because I am totally rudderless here: girl I like who recently ended long relationship.

To be short and sweet, I met this girl who lives in my apartment complex. We talked a few times when we’d see each other in the parking lot and it was cool. She’s a very sweet girl and I dig her and dare I say I think she at least feels somewhat the same way. Anyway I asked her out to a concert as a first date. I knew this was a little dangerous because a concert I think is a tough first date because that’s a lot of time to spend together initially. Anyway, she said yes. Couple days later she calls and we talk and she says she wants to get to know me better but she doesn’t want to go to the concert because it scares her a little or whatever. Now, the whole time she’s telling me this, I can tell she’s really nervous. Like she’s worried about upsetting me or something, so I honestly don’t get the feeling she’s blowing me off.

Anyway, we leave it with me telling her I want to get to know her better and I don’t care if it’s over coffee, at dinner, whatever makes her comfortable. She has my number and she says will call. Like I said I could be totally clueluess but I really don’t think this is just a blow off.

So, my question here is two-fold. First, how to deal with this kind of girl? IF she just got out of a relationship do I proceed SUPER slow as not to scare her off, or what? I’m thinking of sending her a short text or something but I don’t want her to freak out. Basically, what are the guidelines here. Second question, what are the odds here I AM getting blown off?

Follow-up,

I recoginze that this is sad, but I thought about the question I submitted yesterday and wanted to add to it. I’m the one who asked about the ettiquette for dating a girl who just got out of a long-term relationship. As I said the last time we spoke she said she’d call me and after thinking about it some more I’m beginning to think more and more I just got blown off, but I’m still not sure really. My question is, am I actually supposed to wait for her to call me in this case or should I ignore that and call her in a couple days. Like I said we live in the same complex so I’m thinking of calling her one day this week after work and asking her if she wants to go for a walk or something like that. As you can tell, I’m pretty much functionally illiterate when it comes to this situation. Part of me thinks that sure, if she jsut got out of a long relationship I can understand not wanting to jump full-bore back into the dating game right away. THe other part of me thinks that my be just a good excuse to put me off.

Kathryn says,

As Abe Simpson said, “a little from column A, a little from column B.” Sounds to me like she’s gunshy about dating right away, but she’s also not blown away by her feelings and/or attraction to you. Neither of these issues necessarily mean it’s a lost cause. You are already on the right path with several things:

1. You’re pulling back and not calling her or knocking on her door every day. Very important to maintain distance when you live so near each other.
2. You are thinking of low-pressure, low-time commitment activities that may help her get to know you a bit better and feel more comfortable around you.
3. You are already aware she may be blowing you off, which means, if that’s the case, you will be prepared for it.

So go through with your plan - wait a while, then ask about a walk. I’m hoping she calls you before you call her, but I think you can try one more time without losing your dignity if you really think she’s that wonderful. If she says no, no harm done. On to the next. Good luck.

DCB says,

Congrats, you are the first person ever to follow up with an second email. This tells me that you are impatient and have self-doubt, qualities that aren’t so helpful when it comes to attracting women.

She is blowing you off (yes, I’m certain) because you are coming on way too strong. When she says she is a little scared, BELIEVE HER and take a step back. She probably liked you at some point until you started putting out a needy vibe. This girl doesn’t sound different from any other girl I’ve encountered, so no need to apply special tactics here. Just stop being so god-damn needy and take a step back like Kathryn said. You may have already scared off but there is still hope if you just chill out. BE COOL.

The balance in meeting any new girl is being the man and making those first moves while not coming on too strong. I don’t sit by the phone waiting for a girl to call me, but I also don’t overdo it with multiple calls that don’t get reciprocated.

April 19, 2006

Question form returns

Our Ask page was down for a few days. It’s back.

I think he has an STD

Why do STD’s have to always be so awkard? writes,

I’ve hooked up with this guy several times, and by several I mean like 5-6. After the 3rd time or so, I noticed some bumps on the underside of his member. The first time I noticed was by touch and in the dark so I was a little taken aback, but couldn’t really tell what it was. I figured it was my imagination and didn’t think much of it. The next time we hooked up, I noticed it again but with my mouth. Again- it was in the dark so I couldn’t get a clear view. Now, don’t ask me why the hell I continued to hook up with him afterwards when he has questionable bumps on his penis, but I did.

I’ve asked him two or three times when was the last time he got tested. He said last September and I know he hasn’t had that many sex partners since then (although I know it only takes 1 person to spread the disease). And I know his ex is a slut and a half. I would also like to add that he is a medical student, so he takes health very seriously and is fully aware of STD’s. So…my question is this: how the hell do I ask him if he has an STD in the least awkward way possible? Remember: I’ve already asked him when he got tested, and he answered. If I ask again, I want it to be more direct and I want a full YES or NO. Do I ask him while we’re hooking up? (Talk about killing the mood) or when we’re fully clothed? (”hey, pass the salt please. Do you have genital warts?”) Please help. Thank you.

Kathryn says,

I have one question for you. What do you consider to be less appealing: telling him “I think I felt some bumps on you the other day,” or having a wicked awful warts outbreak that requires medication and/or the doctor burning them off, possibly multiple times, and then having to tell every partner you ever have in the future about it because the virus lives in your body forever?

It may be that he just has a couple of ingrown hairs under there or something else really benign and not contagious. But it could be HPV, HSV, molluscum contagiosum, or any other nasty, bumpy, never-gonna-go-away type of disease. And although, as a med student, he should know more about STD symptoms and transmission, medical students often also feel they know everything and rarely actually see doctors themselves. So talk to him about it ANY time - on the phone one day, when you’re about to hook up (but maybe before the clothes come off), over a private dinner at your house… just don’t let this go on any longer without addressing it. You’re putting yourself in an unnecessarily risky position, and you’re making me nervous.

DCB says,

While STD’s are serious business, I wouldn’t go as far as Kathryn’s doomsday outlook. It’s a fact that a risk of having an active sex life is contracting an STD - with something like 1 out of 4 adults infected with herpes and an even higher number for HPV. As adults we must do our absolute best to minimize the risk of contracting an STD by using condoms and being aware of warning signs such as slutty behavior, ignorance about how STD’s are spread, and physical deformities you feel in your mouth when you’re going down on someone.

I have never trusted the “I have been tested” line. Tested for what exactly? When a girl tells me that line, it comes with the assumption that she was tested for everything, but in reality it just applies to HIV. Doctors do not test for things such as herpes or HPV when there are no symptoms present, and since HIV is perhaps the hardest thing for non-IV drug-using heterosexuals to contract, “I have been tested” means absolutely nothing. It is your responsibility to be visually and physically aware of your partner’s genitals.

You continued to hook up with him because talking about STD’s are uncomfortable, and we want to deny that the person we are sleeping with has something. But I think it’s worth some discomfort now to avoid a lot more down the road. You’re an adult so talk to him like one. Tell him you are concerned about his bumps and feel uncomfortable having sex with him while neither of you know what it is. If he cares about your health and his own, he will make an appointment with a doctor immediately. My guess is he’s probably in denial and scared of a bad diagnosis that would give him a negative label. Hopefully it’s nothing and you are in the clear, but I think you need to make the assumption that it is serious enough to stop what you are doing and ask the tough questions.

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