Doomed
TryingtoRecover says,
I have been trying to swing this long distance relationship for a little under a year now. I understand the probability of something like that working out is slim, but I was very hopeful through the entire process. This has been very hard for me to let go of because its the first “non sick” relationship I have ever been in. The truth is I didn’t have any desire moving to her area unless I had something else to fall back on other than her. I was afraid that if things didn’t work out, I would atleast have A, B, or C to fall back on rather than just her.
I figured in order for things to work out would require sacrifice and the ideal situation in my head involved us both moving somewhere new. I didn’t know exactly how things were going to play themselves out but I was under the illusion they would if I just hung in there.
Things kind of came to a head about a week ago. She was telling me about how obsessed she was with me. She was telling me how as a result of us interacting, she was unable to focus on what’s going on in her life (i.e. job, internship, finishing school). She told me that she was so preoccupied on what I was doing,feeling, how my day was, that she neglected herself. She told me that she was hanging on to this fairy taile that things would work themselves out in the present time but finally concluded that things weren’t but possibly later down the line. I was able to accept that (it was about the only thing I could accept).
She felt that it wasn’t fair to keep me strung along until she made peace with the situation. I wanted to try something different with her. I wanted to still have her in my life as my friend. I have never done that before. It was so easy to write someone off, grieve, and move onto the next, but I didn’t want that with her. However, she wanted to take some time to work on her and possibly get back to me on a non time limit basis. I was afraid. I was afraid that I would make peace with it in my own mind and then I would get a call which would bring back all these emotions and feelings. I ended up rejecting that idea. The more I spoke with her, the more it hurt. I told her that her words felt like she was sticking a knife in my stomach and she replied that I wasn’t being fair.
Looking back, I know I wasn’t, but I couldn’t see that at the time. Out of anger I told her that I was going to lose her number and maybe the best thing was for us not to talk anymore. This week has been very hard for me but I have mustered up enough energy to not contact her. I don’t exactly want to flip her world upside down. I did send her a card wishing her well and wishing that things ended on a more positive note. She is a very sensitive girl so I made it a point also to let her know that I didn’t hate her and I understood what she took required courage and although I didn’t understand it at the time, I respected it.
I guess what I am looking for by posting this is the possibility of us being able to talk later down the road. I realize that when you love someone that you have to put their best interest at heart. I feel that is what I am doing now. I am just afraid that I will never be able to talk to her again. I don’t know if I sabatoged things to the point that they are unrepairable. I don’t know what the hell I am doing right now. I am trying to hard to heal myself and I would appreciate any insight. Is it better to let sleeping dogs lie or is there anything that I can say or do to change things once the hearts have healed. Thanks
DCB says,
Hey I think your girlfriend already wrote in. First off, you seem like a stand-up guy with a clear head on your shoulders. While you are full of emotion, you also allow yourself to see things logically. It sounds like you just need someone to tell you that you will not lose her forever, that you didn’t mess things up with this girl.
If you were my friend, I’d drag you out, get you drunk, and send mediocre-looking skanks your way, just to get your mind off her for a day or so to allow you to realize that there will be other women in your life. The worst thing you can do is stay at home and go through mementos of your relationship. Let it go for now and if things work out I’m sure you two will find a way to get back together. Right now the best thing you can do is just get out there and talk to other women.
Kathryn says,
I’m happy to be the person to say you may not have lost her forever. I believe that. The card you sent her was an excellent bridge to a future friendship. Yes, you both need time apart, but that note allowed you to say “no hard feelings” in a gentle, unintrusive way. Perfect choice of medium.
I think you guys are young - she hasn’t finished college? - and you’re going to grow and change a lot over the next few years, in more ways than just healing your hearts. When my college boyfriend and I broke up (after five years together, several of them long distance), we tried to be friends right away. It turned out not to be so easy, and he went away for a while. I missed his friendship a lot, but respected his request for no contact. After some time passed, we started emailing here and there and got together for coffee or parties every so often. And now, six years after we broke up, I still consider him a friend, and someone who will always be on my “important news” contact list. He’s the only major ex with whom I have such a friendly relationship, and I know it’s because of the time we took apart.
So enjoy being on your own as much as you can, heal, and reach out to her when you’re ready. I think she’ll be there.
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