Stupid online dating. Sorry if you’ve covered this before, but…
Say you meet someone online. Email each other, agree to meet. After the first date, you see no glaring signs of pshcyo-ness/mutant body parts and you continue dating, with dates becoming more frequent as time passes. It’s been several months. You’ve slept together. You’ve met each other’s friends. (But you haven’t had the dreaded DTR talk.)
At what point should the parties involved be expected to pull their online profile/stop logging in every day?
DCB says,
While it would be reasonable for him to take it down about a month in, just get one of your cute friends to send him an online ‘wink.’ His response should tell you where you stand. Though I have a feeling that you are not the only girl he is banging right now.
Kathryn says,
I’ve seen mentions of this situation here and there on random blogs. People who’ve met online and had a few dates with someone see the other person is still logging in to the dating site, and what does it all mean, and can I ask him/her to stop!?!? infinity. Here’s the thing: maybe the other person is logging in to see if you’re logging in. Maybe they are getting messages or winks or what have you, and logging on to look at them out of curiousity, but not responding to any of them, because you make them happy. Maybe they have friends who are majorly active on the site and want a second opinion on some poor shmo’s profile. Maybe they think they can do better than you and are going to keep looking until they find it. It could be ANY reason. The only way to find out is to talk about it.
I don’t understand why the DTR is so dreaded. If you’re sleeping with the person, seeing them a lot, meeting the friends, etc. shouldn’t it be about time to discuss exclusivity in general? You don’t have to bring up the dating sites as part of that conversation, though I do know couples who met online and got a big kick out of changing their profiles together to “inactive” or “in a relationship” or whatever means “taken and definitely NOT looking” on the specific site. But until you talk about the status of your relationship, regardless of how long it’s lasted and what’s going on, all bets are off. You can’t assume anything.
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If it makes you uncomfortable, talk to him about it.
Comment by AUA on 04/13/06.
You could take DCB’s advice and set him up by having a friend “wink” at him, but I’d suggest taking the honest approach and asking him about it directly. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that, doesn’t that say something about your relationship? If you’re scared that he’ll head for the hills when you bring up the “DTR” talk or whatever, then you’re relationship is pretty fragile and you shouldn’t be surprised if it doesn’t work out for the long term.
Comment by me on 04/13/06.
Funny, I agree with both DCB and Kathryn’s suggestions.
What’s with the website? For parts (but not all) of the last few days, http://www.firstdatedc.com/ has not been available (but http://firstdatedc.com/ has been reachable). Is this issue unique to me, or are others having the same issues?
Comment by Foobar on 04/13/06.
Foodbar, it’s a very random issue that sometimes occurs. We will be moving the site to a new host by Monday so it should be fixed by then. Let us know if it doesnt.
Comment by FDDC on 04/13/06.
Why not just ask him? Better to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth.
Comment by Olivia on 04/19/06.
I agree with DCB’s outlook on this one. Get one of your female buddies to send him an online message. His response to her should tell you all you need to know. You learn alot about someone’s character when they don’t know they are being watched. I do get the feeling this dude is keeping his options open and he isn’t all that “seriously” into you even if you guys have slept together. It would have been nice if he had removed his online profile after several months of seeing you, however the facts are he hasn’t. You can’t really “expect” anything at this point if you guys haven’t discussed the status of your relationship. Just hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. If you don’t like what you find out, be ready to drop him and walk away.
