I’ve got a question I could use some help because I am totally rudderless here: girl I like who recently ended long relationship.
To be short and sweet, I met this girl who lives in my apartment complex. We talked a few times when we’d see each other in the parking lot and it was cool. She’s a very sweet girl and I dig her and dare I say I think she at least feels somewhat the same way. Anyway I asked her out to a concert as a first date. I knew this was a little dangerous because a concert I think is a tough first date because that’s a lot of time to spend together initially. Anyway, she said yes. Couple days later she calls and we talk and she says she wants to get to know me better but she doesn’t want to go to the concert because it scares her a little or whatever. Now, the whole time she’s telling me this, I can tell she’s really nervous. Like she’s worried about upsetting me or something, so I honestly don’t get the feeling she’s blowing me off.
Anyway, we leave it with me telling her I want to get to know her better and I don’t care if it’s over coffee, at dinner, whatever makes her comfortable. She has my number and she says will call. Like I said I could be totally clueluess but I really don’t think this is just a blow off.
So, my question here is two-fold. First, how to deal with this kind of girl? IF she just got out of a relationship do I proceed SUPER slow as not to scare her off, or what? I’m thinking of sending her a short text or something but I don’t want her to freak out. Basically, what are the guidelines here. Second question, what are the odds here I AM getting blown off?
Follow-up,
I recoginze that this is sad, but I thought about the question I submitted yesterday and wanted to add to it. I’m the one who asked about the ettiquette for dating a girl who just got out of a long-term relationship. As I said the last time we spoke she said she’d call me and after thinking about it some more I’m beginning to think more and more I just got blown off, but I’m still not sure really. My question is, am I actually supposed to wait for her to call me in this case or should I ignore that and call her in a couple days. Like I said we live in the same complex so I’m thinking of calling her one day this week after work and asking her if she wants to go for a walk or something like that. As you can tell, I’m pretty much functionally illiterate when it comes to this situation. Part of me thinks that sure, if she jsut got out of a long relationship I can understand not wanting to jump full-bore back into the dating game right away. THe other part of me thinks that my be just a good excuse to put me off.
Kathryn says,
As Abe Simpson said, “a little from column A, a little from column B.” Sounds to me like she’s gunshy about dating right away, but she’s also not blown away by her feelings and/or attraction to you. Neither of these issues necessarily mean it’s a lost cause. You are already on the right path with several things:
1. You’re pulling back and not calling her or knocking on her door every day. Very important to maintain distance when you live so near each other.
2. You are thinking of low-pressure, low-time commitment activities that may help her get to know you a bit better and feel more comfortable around you.
3. You are already aware she may be blowing you off, which means, if that’s the case, you will be prepared for it.
So go through with your plan - wait a while, then ask about a walk. I’m hoping she calls you before you call her, but I think you can try one more time without losing your dignity if you really think she’s that wonderful. If she says no, no harm done. On to the next. Good luck.
DCB says,
Congrats, you are the first person ever to follow up with an second email. This tells me that you are impatient and have self-doubt, qualities that aren’t so helpful when it comes to attracting women.
She is blowing you off (yes, I’m certain) because you are coming on way too strong. When she says she is a little scared, BELIEVE HER and take a step back. She probably liked you at some point until you started putting out a needy vibe. This girl doesn’t sound different from any other girl I’ve encountered, so no need to apply special tactics here. Just stop being so god-damn needy and take a step back like Kathryn said. You may have already scared off but there is still hope if you just chill out. BE COOL.
The balance in meeting any new girl is being the man and making those first moves while not coming on too strong. I don’t sit by the phone waiting for a girl to call me, but I also don’t overdo it with multiple calls that don’t get reciprocated.
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I agree with DCB. You gave off some vibe that made her think you want something “too serious too soon,” which in my experience is the kiss of death. She actually told you she was “scared”? Very hard to recover from that one. If she really liked you and was interested, she would likely be excited to go to a concert with you, unless it’s some truely lame band that reflects poorly on your taste. Moreover, even among hardcore players, it’s well known that you should never date a close neighbor, too much potential for awkward run-ins if things don’t work out, and she know doubt knows this rule.
So, follow Kathryn’s advince, lay back and don’t call her for at least a week, maybe two. The if you really want to prove to yourself that she is not interested, call one more time with something low pressure. In the meantime, hit on other girls, dont’ wait for this one. Having options is the best thing for a man’s dating life.
Comment by Chaco on 04/20/06.
Ok. Sounds to me like this girl may be somewhat interested in your attention to her but not fully sure about how she feels about you or whether she even wants to get to know you in the “dating” sense. At the same time she probably also wants to keep her options open and not completely blow you off. I’d say doing nothing at all is probably the best thing for you right now in order to gage her level of interest in you. If she said she will call you then you’ll just have to hope she keeps her word. It is possible that maybe the living in such close proximity to you freaks her out a bit also. I say just be patient take it slow and see whether she gets back to you. If you don’t hear from her in the next 7 days move on to someone else. She’s just not that interested in you and is too shy, polite or embarrased to tell you directly. She may also be trying to get over her last relationship so if she senses that you are very eager to get to know her better that may be a bit of a turn off because she might not be ready to reciprocate the same interest. The ball is in her court.
Comment by Jada on 04/20/06.
You say this girl is just getting out of another long term relationship? How long has she been out of it? Honestly she should be ALONE or she should be with a very independant guy who isn’t looking to get anything too serious out of the relationship (even this is probably a bad idea). Honestly– leave her alone. I have only known one or two people where this type of jumping in with a girl after she gets out of a ltr really worked. You give her no time to reflect on the last relationship and what went wrong and you leave her no time to know herself alone. Go find someone else- she’s not interested and it’s a bad idea.
Comment by Another Anon on 04/20/06.
DCB needs to give advice to my ex-boyfriend. Neediness is not an attractive quality in any person, male or female.
I think he came on too strong with the concert. That’s no way to get to know someone plus tickets are very expensive so she could be worried about sex being expected after he dished out so much money. But if she’s shy like he says, he should wait and call her not for a walk but to a coffee shop or somewhere public. If she was afraid to be with you at a concert, why would she want to walk alone with you where people might not be there to save her?
Comment by Heather on 04/20/06.
I dunno. I think that the fact that she accepted and then changed her mind just screams ISSUES, beyond your average just-got-out-of-a-relationship issues. Then again, so does sending a follow-up e-mail, so maybe you’re meant for each other.
Comment by Girl Anon on 04/20/06.
LOL..That’s a good one Girl Anon. But I was thinking that maybe Heather has a good point.Concert tickets are usually pricey. She might feel unconfortable with accepting that on a FIRST date expecially since since she doesn’t know you that well. Do NOTHING for a few days. Give her space and time will reveal whether she wants more or NOT.
Comment by Jada on 04/20/06.
Hmm, I don’t really think a concert is really that big of a deal. Maybe if it was something far away that you had to drive a long time to get to, or if it was a really expensive show, but concerts are for the most part really laid back and fun. Its not like you asked her out to a romantic dinner at some uber expensive French restaurant- THAT would have been coming on too strong! She sounds a little uptight, you should back off, especially b/c she said she would call. When you run into her next (which you probably will) you should be casual and friendly, and maybe you could suggest getting coffee - really what do you have to lose? Either she says yes, and you go for coffee, or she says no, and you move on with your life. I usually think its a risk worth taking.
Comment by m on 04/20/06.
Okay this happened to me, I had just gotten out of a relationship and met a guy who I liked but I wasn’t sure I could trust him and his intentions. He asked me to dinner and I said no, too much pressure at that point in time for me and suggested meeting out for drinks in a group, which is less pressure. I cancelled on him at first because I was unsure, he wasn’t written off, I just needed time without pressure to get to know him. Don’t give up just be more casual and do group things at first or meet for drinks, it’s less threatening. You will grown on her and she on you and it will click, trust me!
