I’m a 27 yr old virgin, and I work for this huge firm as general counsel. I’ve dated, but never felt compelled to take it beyond kisses. Serious “relationships” do not interest me since I am not ready to settle down. So here’s my problem: I am only attracted to older men–not by a decade, but several decades.
About 6 months ago, I was assigned to work with this non-profit as a part of our firm’s pro bono requirements, and I met this 51 year old man. He’s is the executive director of the organisation and exhibits every sign I’ve ever wanted in a man and then some. He’s married, of course, with two small children (he married very late in life). Ex. He truly cares about the people in his organisation; he always tries to do the “right” thing; and he’s got these laughing eyes and smiles often…. yada yada…
All I think about these days are hot and dirty sex with the man and I have NEVER had sex. It can’t be curiosity because I can have sex with this guy that I am casually seeing (he exhibits all the signs of willingness). On top of everything, I think my 51 year old has also got the hots for me as well (although, he’ll never do anything about it because he loves his wife and children). I’ve been in agony for over 6 months. Point me the way in or out.
Thanks.
DCB says,
I hope you are not expecting me to give you advice on how to have sex with this man. Judging from your virginity status - and your ability to lose it right now if you wanted - I can tell you are not serious about having sex. You are stuck in some make-believe land where people at 27 are not having sex. Please leave this guy alone and don’t destroy his life and career just because you are having another one of your fantasies. You are way past the age to save your virginity for “the one.”
You are using your virginity as a power device, just like anorexics do with their weight, to show that you are in “control.” Don’t bring an honest man down with you.
Kathryn says,
This is one of those rare times I agree with DCB. Please go on a couple of dates with a single guy your own age (or at least an unattached older one) and let him have your cherry. Once you’ve passed this huge milestone, I think your crazy sexual feelings about unavailable men should subside. If not, please, PLEASE seek professional counseling for your daddy issues.
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I can’t imagine being a 27 year old lawyer who has never had sex. I’m a 26 year old law student who has found law school so stressful that if I didn’t have sex, I’d probably end up in an insane asylum… but maybe that’s just me.
Congrats on the success you have found with this site.
This has all the hallmarks for disaster:
1. virgin
2. never been in a serious relationship
3. man is decades older
4. man has wife
5. man has kids
6. man is a co-worker
Even if this guy is interested in her, at least a few (and probably all) parties involved will be ruined if this is taken further.
Give it up, sweetie. You’ll find a younger (or at least unmarried) man you like enough to lose your virginity to, if you get over this one.
Comment by Anonymous on 04/17/06.
Hmm, maybe you are romanticizing sex too much. If you put this much pressure on yourself and on the act of having sex, you probably won’t even enjoy it when you do finally have it. My guess is that you probably need to get to the root of the reason why you have chosen not to have sex. From somebody who has had sex, trust me, sex can really complicate things, and I highly doubt that you will be able to handle the emotional fallout of having sex with this happily married man if you haven’t had any experience to date. That is diving into some seriously rough, shark-infested water when you haven’t even waded in the baby pool. So forget about this guy, and go out and get some experience. That doesn’t mean that you have to go out and have sex w/ the first guy who buys you a drink in a bar, but let a guy take out out on a few dates. Fool around, discover your sexuality. Do it slowly, safely, and responsibly. And when you do feel comfortable enough to have sex, you’ll finally know what all the fuss is about!
Comment by me on 04/17/06.
You have intimacy issues that are interfering with your ability to have a happy, healthy relationship with a suitable partner. You need to see a therapist now - one that will really challenge you on these issues.
Comment by djflowerz on 04/17/06.
I’d like to beat a dead horse here and say that there is NOTHING healthy about this chick’s question. It’s not even a question, it’s a whine for help. DCB was exactly right, she is using her virginity for power and that’s really pathetic.
Is using one’s virginity for power any worse than all women using sex for power?
Comment by Anonymous on 04/17/06.
I have to side with djflowers on this. Serious intimacy issues.
Some people pursue homosexuals so they have an excuse not to get in a relationship. Some pursue only married people for the same reason. FNAO pursues much older men. Most psychologists would jump straight to the assumption that FNAO has suffered some sexual abuse at a younger age. Whether it’s true or not FNAO needs to get some therapy.
Comment by Ibid on 04/17/06.
Exactly. And if She acts on it, and is complicit in messing with another person’s life, then quite honestly, she’s the lowest of the rungs on the ladder of humanity. Boo-urns.
Comment by Stephen on 04/17/06.
“Is using one’s virginity for power any worse than all women using sex for power?”
Talk about issues, wow. Girl, you need to get laid. You never felt compelled to take it beyond kisses? You must not have gotten the memo, but sex is enjoyable. Yes, enjoyable for women too.
DCB is right, you have no intention of having sex with this man. You have problems accepting your sexuality, and you are fantazing about this man exactly because he is unattainable. If he actually made a move on you, I am sure you would decline.
Kathryn, I must take issue with one thing. I am 38 and I can see 40 approaching rapidly. Young women with daddy issues are to be admired for their attraction to older, wiser men, they do not need counseling. This woman has some things wrong with her for sure, but wanting a man graying at the temples is not one of them.
Comment by Chaco on 04/17/06.
Do not ignore this advice: Seek therapy immediately.
Comment by Another Anon on 04/17/06.
““Is using one’s virginity for power any worse than all women using sex for power?”
Much worse.”
How so?
Comment by Anonymous on 04/17/06.
“““Is using one’s virginity for power any worse than all women using sex for power?”
Much worse.”
How so?”
Because nobody gets laid. its a lose-lose situation.
Comment by nabeel on 04/17/06.
“Is using one’s virginity for power any worse than all women using sex for power?”
Listen honey, you’re not Queen Elizabeth. The problem is that unless you have some sort of religious motivation or something at 27 it is most likely a little unhealthy that you are a virgin. I say this because most decent looking women have probably had a least a dozen very good men try to sleep with them by that point. The woman who is still a virgin at that point is a girl who is: a. not that attractive. b. a girl who looks all around her and sees men she considers inferior to herself. c. a girl who is living in a fantasy world that sets unrealistic expectations for real world relationships and people.
The problem is that many women seem to get offended at the suggestion this girl should go out and have sex because her standards are too high. In real life I have met some absolutely amazing women though who deserve pretty much the absolute best the world has to offer– guess what– they’re not virgins. This is for several reasons- 1. sex is fun. These girls had sex and they realize that it is not some sort of power matching game (necessarily) where you need to find Bill Clinton and give him a blow job for it to be enjoyable. 2. Most of these girls have met great guys to have relationships with, even if they didn’t get married or anything.
Comment by Another Anon on 04/17/06.
CD, its good you didn’t promise monogamy because if you did, it’d be cheating. technically, you’re not cheating but some girls might disagree… they believe in “lying by omission”. I think that’s silly, but nevertheless you’d still probably lose the girl if she found out.
So, if I were you, I’d milk as much sex out of it as you possibly can…enjoying it while it lasts. Because it won’t last!
Personally, I find that dating multiple people is too much for me to handle and always ended badly. I’d date 2-3 people at the same time at MOST, and when I decide to get exclusive with one, I’d stop dating others. To me, the whole point of dating is to get to know someone and see if I want to be with her long term, or just for short-term fun, or not at all…
Comment by nabeel on 04/18/06.
First of all, your virginity is your business. I feel that sex is seperate from love. So you can be friends w/benefits or just have sex but not love.. So if you really LOVED this man, then it would be a different story you know? Not just lust, but love. So perhaps b/c you have sexual feelings for him and its unattainable, you allow yourself a safe mental space to go there and have those feelings w/out the actualization of the feelings turning into anything else. Ya know? I say do a friends w/benefits thing for a little, then figure out what you want to do in terms of this guy once your physical needs are met…
Good luck!
Comment by Bethany on 04/19/06.
First of all, stay away from all Married Men? What are you thinking?bWhat you do with your life is your own, however do you really want to ruin several other people’s lives? i.e his wife and children? Stay away from all of them. Second of all, try dating someone who is actually in your age range and available. Please do seek some kind of Proffesional Therapy.
Comment by Jada on 04/20/06.
Thanks to everybody who’s decided to throw their two cents in the pot. The consensus seems to be that I am defective in some way because I choose to remain sexually inactive. How strange this country has gotten….
I particularly liked the disaster list and agree with it:
“This has all the hallmarks for disaster:
1. virgin
2. never been in a serious relationship
3. man is decades older
4. man has wife
5. man has kids
6. man is a co-worker.”
Here are some facts about me. I’ve just led an incredibly different and busy life to find the time to actually make the effort and arrangements to have sex. I went to boarding school until I came to the U.S. for college. In college I dated a few boys (operative word — BOYS) while studying three majors: Communications, Philosophy and International Studies. During college, I travelled immensely between my family homes in the U.K. and New York City. After college, I went directly to law school. I worked through law school. Then I was hired before I graduated by my firm and have been here since. Recently I purchased a $750,000 condo. I work roughly 60 hours per week.
I stand 5′ tall and weigh 100 lbs. I have black shoulder length hair and brown eyes. Never been sexually abused as a child or as an adult. Surrounded by a family who adores me to no end. I have had much success in life and in love (friends and family). I don’t quite know how a therapist would be able to help me–other than to take a couple hours of my work week away.
I disagree that virginity itself is a power agent. In fact, it is simply a state of being. Similar to making the statement: “I haven’t loved someone romantically before.” Virginity, like sex, only becomes a power issue if it is used to deprive or benefit certain individuals. Unless we all agree that virginity is a benefit then it cannot be a leverage mechanism.
As to comments about being a home wrecker–I used to dislike those women too. But enlightenment struck recently: you get no sound if you clap just one hand to the air.
Comment by Feeling Negative About Ownership on 04/26/06.
Wow. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read this letter. I’m in my 20’s, also a virgin (doesn’t anyone wait until marriage any more?) and ALSO stricken with the older-man attraction. It’s probably not a coincidence that girls with limited romantic experience tend to fall prey to this ailment…. It’s a way to like someone more experienced, more capable and - yes - completely unattainable. There’s no threat that the old guy will walk you home and try to get into your bedroom. What’s more, your/my total inexperience is, to these old guys, endearing and entirely expected. With guys our own age, it’s not so forgivable.
My advice to you is to look for more age-appropriate guys. Hopefully you’ll find one within a 10-year radius who still hits the “older and wiser” buttons but won’t be walking with a cane when you’re in your 40’s.
As for the virginity — ain’t no shame in it. The only problems you’ve got are with slutty, jaded girls who envy/resent or feel threatened by your non-sluttiness.
