First Date DC

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May 31, 2006

Girl game

Girl Game writes,

I’m a reader. Love the site. I’d love your feedback for this. Got out of a relationship 6 months, not bitter, was an easy of a break up as possible and completely mutual but I’ve noticed I can’t pick up guys like I used to. Before this relationship I had my “game” (as described in DCB post “Tight Game” on his blog) perfected to a T. I used to meet great guys everywhere and could confidently say that I could talk to any guy, anywhere with a really high success rate. I haven’t gained weight, I look the same but I am off my game, I think it is lack of practice and the fact that I am a year older and the same stuff just isn’t working anymore. Just so you know my game usually consisted of friendliness with teasing and playing a little hard to get which in my book means not usualy making the first move but doing everything possible to encourage the guy to make the first move by being flirtacious. I may have added a little skepticism in there when a guy started spewing stuff that seemed to good to be true and I always played the independent card all the way with a little “one-of-the-guys vibe” mixed in there. These are all facets of my personality so I wasn’t making stuff up or being someone I’m not. But I was definitely playing up these strengths because they always worked for me when guys naturally discovered it. I’ve matured and the guys my age have matured and I feel like it’s not working anymore.

I’m 25, I’d love to hear from both of you but especially DCB since his post on DC Bachelor inspired this… What would you say is “tight game” for a 25 year old woman in DC? What works, what is too immature and what is plain ridiculous? I feel like there are different levels of game for 21 year olds, 25 year olds, and 30 year olds. At this stage, what do guys respond to? (If you tell me they respond to pure honesty, no playing games, etc- I’ll take that but I think we all deep down you can’t blurt everything on your mind at all times, everything has a time and place!)

Sincerely,
Girl Game

DCB says,

I think there is something else going on here that you are not telling us. Game is mostly timeless: principles used by Don Juan and Cassanova still work today. Lines I spit years ago still have impact today. Since you are a woman, the answer is most likely your look. While weak game may have an effect on getting a decent boyfriend, it should only have little impact in guys trying to holla and bang you.

You are still young so I doubt you have wrinkles, but did you gain weight? Cut your hair? Change your hair color? Ditch the Forever 21 wardrobe? Do you think 9’s and 10’s have to worry about their game? I know some really fucked up hot girls that have a constant supply of guys at their door. The answer is in the mirror.

Kathryn says,

Your age does have something to do with appropriate game, but the age and station in life of the men you’re interested in is also important. Trying to land a 40-year-old professional with marriage and kids on his mind is much different from trying to have a couple of dates with a 25-year-old guy who misses his frat SO MUCH.

To that end, perhaps your natural “game” or style or outlook doesn’t suit the type of men you’re meeting right now. Maybe you’re immature and seem 21 when you’re at charity events. Maybe you are always the designated driver and seem like everyone’s mom when you’re at flip cup tournaments. I’d suggest you think about what you want and what makes you most comfortable, then spend time in suitable locations with suitable people. Your game should work just right.

May 30, 2006

Date’s in the bathroom

Dave writes,

OK, so this happened last night… Was at the Slovakian Embassy for this concert/reception thingy. My group of folks was getting ready to leave after having a good time. I notice this pretty Asian girl sitting all alone. I walk over and ask if she’s waiting to go or something. Keep in mind she has been sitting alone for at least 10 minutes now. She says that she’s waiting for someone to come out of the bathroom. We talk for about 5-8 minutes about the concert and this-and-that. I say her friend seems to be taking a while, and I ask if it’s a guy or a girl. She says it’s a guy. I ask how well she knows him. She says “Not too well, really…” I say I’m confused, because most guys would have been out by now, and the bathroom wasn’t that busy last I checked. She said she was confused too. I told her he might be waiting for her in the wrong spot–of course who know where that would be…

So I leave her for a sec and hang with my group as they gather their things and go to the bathroom. The women come back from the bathroom, and this girl is still sitting there. It has now been over 20 minutes that she has been sitting there. I figure although I haven’t really done the “groundwork,” it can’t hurt to make a move. So as my friends all leave, I walk over and say “Hey, I realize I’ve caught you at an awkward moment here, but I would like to invite you out for a drink sometime…”

She gets this look on her face and says, “This is sort of a date that I’m on, so I don’t think that would be appropriate.”

I say “Hey, no problem.” I casually look around… There is NO ONE approaching. NO ONE coming out of the bathroom. I just look at her and say, “Well I hope your date comes back soon… Have a good night…” And I saunter out.

So question: Would it have been kosher for her to give me her number? Was I breaking a dating law by asking for it? How long must she wait before my approach becomes “legal”? Or is the ball just in her court in any case (i.e. if she is interested, all is automatically fine)?

DCB says,

I can guarantee you that she was not on a date. You were so focused on her imaginary date that you completely forgot about HER. Your game just wasn’t there.

Couple things: (1) Never ask a girl about her status. If it is important then she will tell you. But I know for a fact that no girl likes to come out and say she is single. They’d rather lie. (2) I like how you went for it regardless, but keep in mind the groundwork is everything when it comes to a pick up. And you don’t even need that much really, just a couple funny jokes, a relevant story, and a common interest. Five minutes of fun conversation - and not talking about her bathroom buddy - would have gotten you that number.

All that matters is that you approached. I’ve bombed much worse in my life and have learned from it. Next time you see a girl you like, take a deep breath and do it again.

Kathryn says,

I think she was lying about being on a date, or her date being in the bathroom. I believe she hoped, when she gave you that line, you’d go away and never find out she was lying to get rid of you. You stayed and even came back, though, making you look weaker (and therefore worse) in her eyes. In truth, she was probably waiting for a girl friend of hers to finish talking to some guy somewhere else, and the last thing she wanted was for some random dude (you) to bother her when she just wanted to go home.

All that makes your “game” irrelevant in this particular situation, but DCB offers some solid advice for when the odds are more favorable.

May 26, 2006

The no-future future

WTF? writes,

A guy I met on Jdate was ostensibly sweet and genuinely open to starting a relationship. However, recent events have me questioning his intentions from the very beginning. I’m not lamenting his loss, but only trying to wrap myself around his motives and decision-making capabilities.

Week 1: He and I meet, have several dates, have meals, hold hands. He begins talk of future plans, buys tickets to a ball game for us, discusses long-term desires.

Week 2: Much of the same, we develop (quasi) physical intimacy, his annoying habits are no longer “ignorable”.

Week 3: I decide to break it off after the ball game, but he strikes preemptively with a “I’m not ready to date..blah blah, my anxiety, boo hoo, I have aches and pains.” This was done over text message, by the way, after I had called, left a message, and texted him to see of anything was wrong. So, I sent an email to him, letting him know that if he was not ready to date because it was causing anxiety, then it was his decision to make..etc…not angry or anything.

My question: Why even discuss having a future with someone (and I mean he actually talked marriage, kids, vacations, “our” house, how many dogs we’d have) when, clearly, dating is an issue. Oh, and I’ve seen him on the website every day since he text-message-broke-up with me. Is he trying to play the field or is he just plain nuts?

DCB says,

He just wanted to bang you (you didn’t see that one coming, did you?). He was hoping that talking about all those warm and fuzzy things would get you in the sack. When they didn’t work, he realized he spent so much time with you that he couldn’t just walk away. Instead he did the stand-up thing to do by dumping you via text.

If you were going to break up with him, why do you even care what his intent was anyway? Is it maybe because you are aging and the sound of having a house and children is a bit too seducing to you? Perhaps.

Kathryn says,

Yeah, it could be that he was trying to get you in bed. But all that effort up-front seems excessive if that were the case. Maybe he sensed your hesitation and distance (inevitable if you were about to break up with him, no matter how great an actor you are) and decided it would hurt less if he took control and initiated the break-up. Maybe he’s one of those guys who wants to be one of those guys who are ready for a mature, adult relationship and all it entails, so he plays that part - talking about the future, the kids, the house, etc. - until he can’t hack it anymore and he chickens out. Via text message.

Obvy, you’re better off without him, regardless of his intentions. You didn’t even like him or see yourself with him long-term! I know it’s easier to say than do, but I recommend you be grateful to him for not wasting any more of your time, and consider yourself lucky you’re not one of his future JDate victims.

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May 25, 2006

Should you hate the player?

Anonymous writes,

A buddy and I went out with some female friends I met through work. My buddy seemed to hit it off with one of the girls.

Ever since then, each has asked me about the other.

The thing is, my buddy is a huge player. Now I don’t have a problem with that–all the more power to him. It’s just that I’ve seen him “date” girls, and he doesn’t treat them well. He thinks nothing of sleeping with other girls, even when the girl he is “dating” obviously assumes they’re being exclusive.

This female friend is a very nice girl, albeit a bit naive. She seems to have a big school-girl crush on my buddy.

Now, is it my duty as a friend and gentleman to keep her from getting crushed (which will surely happen), or should I fulfill my duties as a wingman and make sure my buddy gets some?? I have know my buddy longer than I’ve know the girl, but it’s not like he has trouble meeting girls or anything…

DCB says,

Bros before hos. Why do you care about this broad anyway? I’m sure she is a nice girl, but let’s be honest: she will be pumped and dumped many times in her life. Your buddy is doing her a favor by desensitizing her to the process. And how about if he actually does learn to like her? By cockblocking beforehand, you may be destroying an awesome relationship.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you secretly like this girl and are a bit jealous that your buddy is going to tear it up.

Kathryn says,

Of course DCB would pull out the “bros before hos” card. Nice.

And of course I’m going to point this out: you know this woman through WORK. If she’ll be tied to your career in some way, whether that’s actually working in your office or knowing other people in your industry, you need to be careful.

I would suggest giving a very mild warning to the girl AND to the guy. Tell her he’s a bit of a player, but looking for the right woman. Tell him she’s a bit naive and sweet and you’ve gotta work with her, so tread lightly. Then let whatever is going to happen, happen. If you aren’t too Chicken Little about it all, you won’t anger them by saying they’re doomed (which may end up pushing them together anyway), but they also can’t come to you later and say, “why didn’t you tell me?”

That may seem wimpy, but I’m a girl, and that’s what I’d do.

May 24, 2006

Queen Bee

A writes,

Hey Man… I need some advice. I enjoy reading your posts and pretty much reach the same conclusions as do you. I am the source of relationship advice for most all of my buddies and unfortunately have no one to turn to when I need such advice. While I try to give myself advice, it is not objective and am reminded of the adage that only a fool has himself as a lawyer. Your insight would be appreciated.

I’m in my early 30s, do more than ok with chics, great job, successful, blah…blah…blah. I have a couple of circles I run in, one of them being with 4-5 girls, who are my age, all single and attractive. And they all bitch about the low caliber of available men. Of the girls, one of them is the Queen Bee and has the personality of an Alpha Male… she boozes, is hot, rich, confident, smart and is a fun time, as I feel she is a female version of me.

Anyway, I dated her sister, Kristen, two summers ago, for a couple of months, and the relationship ended on great terms. Last spring, I dated Kristen’s friend, Laura for two months, and ended on great terms. I keep in touch with both girls.

All the while, I was dating another girl for a year while I was dating these girls. It turns out, this girl’s roommate is best friends, and runs in the circle, with the girls I mentioned, Queen Bee, Kristen, and Laura. Having said that, my dating relationships were explicitly non-exclusive and none of them were shocked when they put all of the pieces together, as I never lied to any of them, and they knew not to have the expectation of exclusivity.

OK….

So over the course of the last couple of months, I’ve been hanging out with the girls quite a bit and more so with Queen Bee then anyone else. Often times 3-4 nights a week and she always complains about no guys out there and how she is willing to lower her standards to find a guy. I can hear her clock ticking and realize she is looking for a relationship and the guys she has considered by no means pose competition to me in any way.

Over the last two weeks, I realized that I want to date this girl. I have two challenges and would appreciate your advice:

1) Getting HER past the fact that I slept with her sister, sister’s best friend, and best friend’s roommate all in the course of two years. When friends ask her about me, she says no way, he dated my sister. While it may seem as hurdle, I think she is willing to look past it, if she wants to look past it. The matter needs to be neutralized and sold the right way.

2) My other challenge is I am way deep in the friend zone. Up until two weeks ago it was not an issue but now find this to be an even bigger hurdle to surpass. In order to get the tactical advantage, I’ve taken steps to hang out with her less and not to initiate contact until she does so first.

So, if I could get your third party insight into my situation, I’d be most grateful.

DCB says,

The friends zone is death. Off the top of my head I can not remember a single man who came out of the friends zone to get a bang. You have to drop the logical strategerizing and go for emotion: wrap this girl so up in jealousy that she suddenly realizes she has the hots for you. In other words, you need to bring dates on your outings and make out with them in front of her. That takes a lot of work, so you have to ask yourself if she is worth it. While no girl is technically “worth it,” it would be a fun experiment to try.

Kathryn says,

Queen Bee certainly thinks a lot of herself, doesn’t she? But then again, so do you.

First - do you value your friendship with her more than you would getting a notch? Because I’m not sure she could ever be in a long-term relationship with you, but you guys could probably have a drunken encounter or two. If you’re okay with just a couple rolls in the hay, even if it would ruin your friendship (with ALL these girls - if she’s really the Queen Bee, she’ll get them to hate you), then go with DCB’s advice and make her jealous. I don’t recommend making out with other girls in front of her, but having dates and letting her know about them, not hanging out with her 3-4 times a week in favor of dating other girls and making sure she knows about them…yeah, that should work.

May 23, 2006

American Guy vs. European Man

Not Always Such a Tramp writes,

This question involves two guys. Let’s call them American Guy and European Man.

Over the last several years I have had the great fortune of spending a lot of time in one particular European country. Three years ago, I met American Guy there. We quickly became friends and then one drunken night, we slept together. The next day we agreed that it was not going to happen again (though I was not at all opposed to the idea) and it never did.

The following summer, I returned to same European country and happened again to spend a good deal of time with American Guy, who had returned for the same reason, which I am intentionally obscuring. We didn’t sleep together but we solidified a pretty great friendship.

When the opportunity came about for me to return to European country for a whole year, I jumped at it. No, American Guy wasn’t going to be there… but it was something I’d dreamed about doing for a long time. So I hopped on a plane last fall and am still here. Part way through the year, I heard from American Guy via email after a relative hiatus. He gave me European Man’s email address and suggested that he and I should hang out. American Guy and European Man are best friends, at least cross-Atlantic-ally speaking, and have been for about 10 years.

So eventually European Man and I started hanging out and our relationship has evolved into a sexual one, though we are not necessarily a “couple.” The issue is this: American Guy is going to be here in June and may well stay with European Man. Do I say anything to either one of them (mostly I am concerned that European Man ought to know)? What is the likelihood that European Man will say anything to American Guy or vice versa?

I know this is kind of a typical situation. But, come on, I am in another country and didn’t “expect” this to happen. (Haha, hint of sarcasm…!)

Kathryn says,

If I had to put money on whether or not European Man and American Guy already know about your sexual relationships/encounters with each other, I’d go with HELL YES. They’ve been best friends for 10 years, he put you two in touch…it all adds up to everyone knows, and everyone’s behaving like grown-ups about it. I wouldn’t say anything.

But I do have a question for you. What if it turns out this was all a set-up for a threesome? Are you down?

DCB says,

Yeah what Kathryn said. Not only do they know about it, they have been comparing notes on your bedroom performance. American guy is a little annoyed that he is missing out on the sex. He will push to sex you again, creating a rift in the friendship that results in a spectacular fistfight between two grown men you have banged. You will love it and email all your friends.

May 22, 2006

Is cybersex cheating?

Ash writes,

I found out that my boyfriend of 6 months has been flirting online with random female strangers, cybering, sometimes even engaging in phone sex with them, picture swapping and who knows what else. I’m not very happy with this, yet he doesn’t seem to think it should be a big deal. According to him it is just fantasy and fun and I am being too serious. I’ve never had to deal with this before. I only know that it sure doesn’t feel good. Makes me feel like he is intentionally being disloyal. Sort of like emotional cheating and it makes me wonder about his integrity and whether there are other negative things I may not know that I should be concerned about. Am I making too much of a big deal out of this? Is this a form of cheating? Am I being to uptight? To both males and females out there………would it bother you if the person you are closest to was doing the same?

Kathryn says,

Looking at porn is normal. While you may be fantasizing about people other than your significant other, it’s all fantasy. Actually interacting with others, even if it’s not in the flesh is not normal. Your boyfriend is a step away from full-blown physical cheating. He is certainly emotionally cheating, and no rational person could consider having phone sex with someone else not to be.

Have you confronted him about it? Does he know it bothers you? You need to let him know you’re not okay with it. Be specific - say he can look at whatever he wants, but that cyber sex and phone sex - anything which requires interaction with another living person - is not. If he can’t do it, move on.

DCB says,

Yes you are uptight, so I’m definitely not surprised that your boyfriend is looking to internet porn to get sexual release that you can not give him. Instead of worrying about what he is doing online, why don’t you learn get some tips on how to satisfy a man? If he was satisfied, I doubt he would be jerking to porn as much.

May 19, 2006

STD paranoia

Tired of panicking writes,

Hi-
I’ve lived in DC for 4 years and had a reasonably active sex life.

The problem is any time I hook up with someone new, even if I engage in some fairly low risk behavior (blow job, sex with a condom) I manage to convince myself that I’ve been exposed to HIV. I get myself so worked up that I lose sleep and can’t eat and wind up getting tested to prove that I’m fine. Then I meet someone new a few months later and the cycle continues.

Clearly there are guilt issues related to sex that I’m not addressing that I should look into- but my actual question is this, do you guys have any idea what the actual risks are in DC? If I’m blowing white college guys who only have sex with non-prostitute non-drug using white college girls, am I pretty much out of the main groups at risk, or is that an ignorant assumption?

DCB says,

Your behavior is not normal. If you look at a chart that lists risks of catching STDs, you would see that HIV is the hardest and most rare for non-IV drug using heterosexuals to contract. Your risk of getting HIV approaches zero. The real question is what psychological disorder do you have which would make you fear an extremely low scenerio. You might as well be scared of a nuclear bomb going off in front of your face or getting infected by the Ebola virus. Calm down and focus that energy on something more productive. And stop reading internet health sites!

Kathryn says,

It doesn’t matter what the “main groups at risk” are. ONE person can infect you with any number of diseases, regardless of how “clean” they seem or what you assume their sexual/drug histories to be. You just have to keep being as careful as you can - and condoms don’t block everything.

As for the actual risk in DC, I’ve read that the HIV-infected population here is large and on the rise. Whatever I saw implied it was more risky than many other areas, particularly because of the rising rate of infection. I didn’t bother to find it again, though, I’m sorry. I could be wrong.

As for your guilty conscience, I think you should focus on clearing that up. You might find your post-coital obsession with infection will subside.

May 18, 2006

Manscaping

Curious writes,

Like DCB, I’m a male a little on the hairier-side of the spectrum (chest, some back, etc.). It’s nothing that I’m too insecure about, and I don’t believe in laser hair removal or waxing. My question is how to best disclose my body hair to potential sex partners/love interests. Am I better off just letting her discover it herself, or is some warning the better approach?

Thanks.

DCB says,

Welcome to the site, my hairy brother! You make it sound like your hair is a dirty secret, when it fact it opens the door to women who like that sort of thing.

If you have as much hair on your arms as I do, then rest assured that girls already know of your gorilla status. I used to trim my body hair when I was younger, but I have put the trimmer down and accepted my glorious destiny. (Tip: Trim your pubic hairs to make your size appear bigger.)

By the time a girl sees you naked and wonders if you are a close relative to the ape family, she has already decided to have sex with you. Being a hairy, ape man, I get a kick out of having sex with a virginal, pale-white, hairless woman. You think these white girl’s fathers expected their daughter to have sex with a man-beast? It’s like King Kong sleeping with that white woman. Only a hairy man can experience this sort of powerful fantasy.

Kathryn says,

For the record, it doesn’t sound like you’re THAT hairy. But DCB is right. If you are in bed with a woman, she probably is okay with your body hair, or okay enough with the rest of you that she’ll overlook it.

And, in the grand tradition of relationships, if you start dating a woman who’s not entirely okay with the body hair, she will slowly but surely introduce you to the kind of manscaping she prefers. Go with that.

May 17, 2006

Killing sorority girl stereotypes

“Heather” writes,

I don’t know if you keep up with celebrity news, but I find myself in a similar situation as Heather Locklear… And I am struggling to handle the situation with class and grace.

I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half in January; let’s call him “Ritchie.” He was pretty upset, and because we are on a varsity team together, I really tried to stay on good terms. I patiently explained to him why I was unhappy in the relationship- we really tried to talk it out. My sorority “little sister” (who is a mutual friend of ours, and who I’ll call “Denise”) encouraged the break up and reassured me that I was doing the right thing. She dragged me out with her to meet guys, and even facilitated a relationship with one of her guy friends. I lost several pounds due to stress, because my two best friends were abroad and the third’s dad suddenly died, so I didn’t really have a lot of people to talk to. She called my mother and told her that I had an eating disorder (not true), and confronted me about it in a really inappropriate public way. But I reasoned that this is something a caring friend would do, and so when she told me that she could see that I needed someone to talk to, and that I could trust her, I believed her. Then, I learned that she was acting as my Ritchie’s “confidante” (her word) and telling him all about the other guys I was dating, and when I confronted her about it, she apologized, said it was only because she’d been really drunk when he’d asked her about it, and swore that I wouldn’t happen again.

Well, it did. And then it did again. And I came to the conclusion that Denise was not a person to whom I should tell things I didn’t want broadcast to the general public, and we sort of drifted apart. The ex and I are slowly getting back on good terms, when during spring break (she’s on a trip) we wind up confessing that we miss each other and sleep together the next night, but agree to keep it between us because we’re both casually dating other people. Two weeks later, we’re hanging out again and he tells me he’s still attracted to me and that he doesn’t regret what happened. Two weeks after that, I’m hanging out with my “big sister” who tells me she’s heard a rumor that Denise has a crush on Ritchie. I decide that it’s time she and I clear the air, and confront her about it. Denise tells me that she and Ritchie been dating/hooking up since just before spring break, but didn’t tell anyone because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I was too shocked at the time to really say anything to her, but that I didn’t want anything to do with her and that I hoped it was worth it.

I also mentioned that he and I had slept together over break. This has become something of a sorority-wide scandal, exacerbated by the fact that Denise had the temerity to bring Ritchie to our formal last weekend. (By the way, after a couple of rebounds, I met a really great guy, and we’ve been exclusively dating for a few months, so I’m not exactly lonely and bitter) Now, I’m not really angry at Ritchie. I am fully aware that when I cut him loose in January, he became a free agent and could do whatever, and whomever he wanted. He and I had a long talk a few days ago and we’re cool again. The person that I am really angry at is Denise. I know sisters share things, but I draw the line at shoes. My feeling is that even if he came on to her, she should have had the discipline and respect for my relationship with him to say no. Or maybe say, let’s honor the grace period and give it six months and see if we still like each other, or at least (to me): “Hey, I like Ritchie. I’m not asking your permission to date him, but I just wanted to let you know so that you weren’t humiliated by hearing it from a third party.” All three of us are attractive, so it’s not like they’re each other’s only prospects. And it’s not that I want him back. I dumped him. She’s dating my leftovers. I’m just reeling from the betrayal of someone who invited my confidence and then used it against me. I know that that classiest thing to do is just to ignore it and move on, but I just can’t seem to. I’m angry that she was a conniving bitch, that I was taken in by it, and that ultimately she won by getting what she wanted. I’m also sad at the loss of someone I used to have fun with, and bewildered by what I did to make her disrespect me so much. I’m also humiliated because I feel used.

Deep down, I want Ritchie to be happy - he deserves to be loved by someone the way that he loved me, I just don’t think it’s with Denise (having been her friend for a year, I’ve seen her toy with and heartlessly treat guys). But I lost the right to have a say in who he dates in January, and I respect that. I just don’t know what to do about Denise. As my “little sister,” I have to do a lot of stuff with her, not to mention see her all the time. When Ritchie and I talked, he told me that she feels bad about this whole situation. I don’t want to have anything to do with her, at all, anymore. Would it be totally out of line to write her a letter explaining that this isn’t some catty-you-stole-my-ex thing, but just anger over what a lousy friend she’s been? I need some sort of catharsis, and it’s either that or spreading a rumor that she has genital herpes…

Thanks for any advice you and offer.

Kathryn says,

Damn. My sorority was never like this. Not really. The worst we ever got was one sister going home with another’s date. But this…are you guys being filmed for MTV or somehow incentivized to behave so trashily? If that’s all true, Denise must be getting paid in some way. That, or she’s a dumbass 18-year-old.

I have two options for you:

1. If she’s still a pledge and not initiated as a sister yet, have a one-on-one conversation and tell her that the sisters have decided she has shown she has no respect for sisterhood and the bond of Your Sorority membership. Say “sister” and “respect” and “concerns” as many times as you possibly can, and imply that everyone hates her guts and thinks she’s trash. Then ask her for her pledge pin back, and tell her you hope she finds a house that better suits her at the next rush, like maybe the sluttiest house on campus.

2. If she’s already a sister, that won’t work. But you can still freeze her out. Ignore her. Ignore him, since he’s acting as a go-between these days. Keep her out of your life as much as possible; be distant and cool, barely friendly but definitely not her friend. Whenever you’re overcome with rage or the desire to spread nasty rumors about her, think about what you’d like to tell her. Eventually, because it seems to be her way, she’ll come crying to you - probably drunk at a mixer or formal - boo-hooing, wanting to know why you’re so mean to her. THEN tell her she’s been a miserable friend. Let it all out, in the perfect, short statement you’ve been crafting all this time. That should feel good, right?

I hope you’re able to bring it all to resolution.

DCB says,

What a mess. I’m going to take a blame-the-victim stance and blame you for allowing Denise to sink her tentacles into your life. You were given hints that she was evil yet you allowed her to play both you and her ex. (I’d like to meet this girl because she knows what she is doing.) Yes, she won and humiliated you (and continues to do so), but what are you going to do about it? Unless you have an awesome plan to get her back, quit the sorority and detach yourself from this massive ownage. Sororities are stupid anyway, as proven by your letter.

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