I found out that my boyfriend of 6 months has been flirting online with random female strangers, cybering, sometimes even engaging in phone sex with them, picture swapping and who knows what else. I’m not very happy with this, yet he doesn’t seem to think it should be a big deal. According to him it is just fantasy and fun and I am being too serious. I’ve never had to deal with this before. I only know that it sure doesn’t feel good. Makes me feel like he is intentionally being disloyal. Sort of like emotional cheating and it makes me wonder about his integrity and whether there are other negative things I may not know that I should be concerned about. Am I making too much of a big deal out of this? Is this a form of cheating? Am I being to uptight? To both males and females out there………would it bother you if the person you are closest to was doing the same?
Kathryn says,
Looking at porn is normal. While you may be fantasizing about people other than your significant other, it’s all fantasy. Actually interacting with others, even if it’s not in the flesh is not normal. Your boyfriend is a step away from full-blown physical cheating. He is certainly emotionally cheating, and no rational person could consider having phone sex with someone else not to be.
Have you confronted him about it? Does he know it bothers you? You need to let him know you’re not okay with it. Be specific - say he can look at whatever he wants, but that cyber sex and phone sex - anything which requires interaction with another living person - is not. If he can’t do it, move on.
DCB says,
Yes you are uptight, so I’m definitely not surprised that your boyfriend is looking to internet porn to get sexual release that you can not give him. Instead of worrying about what he is doing online, why don’t you learn get some tips on how to satisfy a man? If he was satisfied, I doubt he would be jerking to porn as much.
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He should not be doing this. Let him know that it bothers you and that it is a relationship deal-breaker. Rather than trying to change this behavior, maybe you should just move on.
Comment by Pinkyhater on 05/22/06.
If it were just porn I’d say the problem is yours. But since there is another person involved you have reason to worry. It might not rate as cheating yet, but there is definate cause for concern.
If he’s been doing this through the whole relationship it might be a form of internet addiction. Once you start chatting it can be hard to quit.
If this is a recent development then I’d say your relationship is in trouble.
Everyone has different views of cyber sex, so only you can say what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable. Obviously this makes you uncomfortable, so a conversation is in order. What makes this cheating (in my opinion) is that it involves specific other people and not random internet strangers. I think cybering and porn surfing are fine, and I wouldn’t mind if my man had random women send him naked pictures, but I would draw the line at him sending his own photos. Kathryn is right- talking on the phone is definitely cheating, “emotional” and otherwise. Also, it’s not the sex, it’s the secrecy. But DCB has a good point too. Why don’t you consider cybering with him as a kind of foreplay?
There are probably some women who don’t mind their significant others engaging in the activities that you’ve mentioned above. It obviously bothers you and that is OK and understandable. I think you should decide on your own whether this is something you can live with or NOT. If you can’t, then dump him and move on. I don’t see the point in discussing it with him or giving any kind of ultimatum. He obviously doesn’t take your relationship seriously. Dump his ass.
Comment by Jada on 05/22/06.
By the way.. he has already invalidated your feelings by saying that you are “being too serious”. Get rid of this Loser.
Comment by Jada on 05/22/06.
This is that thing, the thing that you’ll identify in a year or so from now, when you’re dumping this guy because you’ve figured out that you are worth more than a half relationship with someone who’s bent on keeping all his other options open.
This is that thing you’ll remember as one of the first Red Flags.
My red flags for my most recent dumpee started early on with Match and AdultFriendFinder, moved to the “what are these calls to your ex on your cell phone” level, and then quickly proceeded to the “I dumped you and you’re back with her the very next day” zone.
If only I’d known how to properly interpret Red Flags, I’d be sitting here two years younger!
Comment by planehugger on 05/22/06.
I said this before and I’ll say it again: 99.9% of guys look at porn and the other 0.1% are lying. Having said that, having phone sex with someone goes beyond porn, it’s having a sexual encounter with a living human being. I like Kathryn’s distinction between fantasy and relality.
Of course, DCB has a point too. Are you keep your man satisfied to the point where all other sexual outlets seem lame by comparison? I say rather than confront him with an accusation of cheating, I would dicuss the issue with him so you *understand* why he does it. Is there something in particular that he enjoys about it that he can’t get from a real person? Is there an issue with your sexlife together that is not satisfying him? Don’t be accusatory, just work to understand and see where he is coming from, and then you can make an informed choice about whether it’s serious enough end the relationship or not.
Comment by Chaco on 05/22/06.
I agree that a conversation is needed. If he can’t discuss with you what it is he is missing that he needs to have online sex with other girls, then you need to move on. While there is nothing wrong with porn and sexual fantasies, what he has been doing is cheating no matter if he admits it or not.
The most important thing is how you feel. If you feel this constitutes cheating (i.e. if you did it yourself and consider it cheating on your boyfriend) then you have to make this clear to your boyfriend. Discuss your boundaries and his boundaries. If they do not mesh, you should leave this relationship because he will not change his behaviour for you and you cannot reasonably expect him to or if he says he will try, he will probably fail.
Comment by Jane A on 05/22/06.
many of you guys don’t get it.
part of the appeal of FDDC is that they give good advice. another part of FDDC’s appeal is that it is entertainment. DCB is K’s foil on the blatently obvious ones.
Think of it this way. If both K and DCB gave the same advice, *yawn*, borning. The question asker should be able to recognize that K’s advice is good, and DCB throws something else in the mix.
Getting y’all fired up just adds comments, and brings more people into FDCC (which by the way is excellent)
Comment by Mike on 05/22/06.
K’s advice is good.
DCB is NOT funny, nor does he give good advice.
Here’s the truth. Yes, looking at porn is natural, and yes, if this girl feels cheated on, then she’s got the right to be upset.
If the guy is doing this stuff and is still acting this way AFTER he blows his load, then there’s a problem. Usually, once the guy is done, all thoughts and fantasies should disappear and the brain should return to thinking about food, sports, etc.
Comment by f on 05/23/06.
I would be upset too… people are made to be able to commit to one person, we’re not apes for crying out loud! It’s a lie that men (or women) are slaves to the slightest sexual impulse. I mean, yeah sexual desire is a natural thing but the human being is not just one pile of hormones fighting their way to the top. We have a brain and a heart and will, in addition to genitalia. (This may be news to some. :)) So, if a guy can do nothing but look at porn or, as you said, pursue other people chasing fantasy after fantasy, then there IS something wrong because we are meant to live in reality (that includes a reality of other [real] people, as in, you know, society….).
That’s my take, anyway.
Comment by lana on 05/31/06.
I just had the same situation–my boyfriend who I have known for 4 years, who just proposed to me about 6 weeks ago, admitted to having phone sex with someone else. I found a pretty incriminating text message. He claims it is just like internet porn, but I don’t see it that way. When you involve a specific human being, and reach out and make the connection, save her name on your cell, and go back more than once, it is cheating. I am debating right now on breaking off the relationship, but it completely breaks my heart. He has sworn to never do anything like that again, now that he knows my feelings on the subject. I am confused and hurt, and really don’t know if I can let it go. I have no advice for you, other than you are not alone out there.
