Killing sorority girl stereotypes
“Heather” writes,
I don’t know if you keep up with celebrity news, but I find myself in a similar situation as Heather Locklear… And I am struggling to handle the situation with class and grace.
I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half in January; let’s call him “Ritchie.” He was pretty upset, and because we are on a varsity team together, I really tried to stay on good terms. I patiently explained to him why I was unhappy in the relationship- we really tried to talk it out. My sorority “little sister” (who is a mutual friend of ours, and who I’ll call “Denise”) encouraged the break up and reassured me that I was doing the right thing. She dragged me out with her to meet guys, and even facilitated a relationship with one of her guy friends. I lost several pounds due to stress, because my two best friends were abroad and the third’s dad suddenly died, so I didn’t really have a lot of people to talk to. She called my mother and told her that I had an eating disorder (not true), and confronted me about it in a really inappropriate public way. But I reasoned that this is something a caring friend would do, and so when she told me that she could see that I needed someone to talk to, and that I could trust her, I believed her. Then, I learned that she was acting as my Ritchie’s “confidante” (her word) and telling him all about the other guys I was dating, and when I confronted her about it, she apologized, said it was only because she’d been really drunk when he’d asked her about it, and swore that I wouldn’t happen again.
Well, it did. And then it did again. And I came to the conclusion that Denise was not a person to whom I should tell things I didn’t want broadcast to the general public, and we sort of drifted apart. The ex and I are slowly getting back on good terms, when during spring break (she’s on a trip) we wind up confessing that we miss each other and sleep together the next night, but agree to keep it between us because we’re both casually dating other people. Two weeks later, we’re hanging out again and he tells me he’s still attracted to me and that he doesn’t regret what happened. Two weeks after that, I’m hanging out with my “big sister” who tells me she’s heard a rumor that Denise has a crush on Ritchie. I decide that it’s time she and I clear the air, and confront her about it. Denise tells me that she and Ritchie been dating/hooking up since just before spring break, but didn’t tell anyone because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I was too shocked at the time to really say anything to her, but that I didn’t want anything to do with her and that I hoped it was worth it.
I also mentioned that he and I had slept together over break. This has become something of a sorority-wide scandal, exacerbated by the fact that Denise had the temerity to bring Ritchie to our formal last weekend. (By the way, after a couple of rebounds, I met a really great guy, and we’ve been exclusively dating for a few months, so I’m not exactly lonely and bitter) Now, I’m not really angry at Ritchie. I am fully aware that when I cut him loose in January, he became a free agent and could do whatever, and whomever he wanted. He and I had a long talk a few days ago and we’re cool again. The person that I am really angry at is Denise. I know sisters share things, but I draw the line at shoes. My feeling is that even if he came on to her, she should have had the discipline and respect for my relationship with him to say no. Or maybe say, let’s honor the grace period and give it six months and see if we still like each other, or at least (to me): “Hey, I like Ritchie. I’m not asking your permission to date him, but I just wanted to let you know so that you weren’t humiliated by hearing it from a third party.” All three of us are attractive, so it’s not like they’re each other’s only prospects. And it’s not that I want him back. I dumped him. She’s dating my leftovers. I’m just reeling from the betrayal of someone who invited my confidence and then used it against me. I know that that classiest thing to do is just to ignore it and move on, but I just can’t seem to. I’m angry that she was a conniving bitch, that I was taken in by it, and that ultimately she won by getting what she wanted. I’m also sad at the loss of someone I used to have fun with, and bewildered by what I did to make her disrespect me so much. I’m also humiliated because I feel used.
Deep down, I want Ritchie to be happy - he deserves to be loved by someone the way that he loved me, I just don’t think it’s with Denise (having been her friend for a year, I’ve seen her toy with and heartlessly treat guys). But I lost the right to have a say in who he dates in January, and I respect that. I just don’t know what to do about Denise. As my “little sister,” I have to do a lot of stuff with her, not to mention see her all the time. When Ritchie and I talked, he told me that she feels bad about this whole situation. I don’t want to have anything to do with her, at all, anymore. Would it be totally out of line to write her a letter explaining that this isn’t some catty-you-stole-my-ex thing, but just anger over what a lousy friend she’s been? I need some sort of catharsis, and it’s either that or spreading a rumor that she has genital herpes…
Thanks for any advice you and offer.
Kathryn says,
Damn. My sorority was never like this. Not really. The worst we ever got was one sister going home with another’s date. But this…are you guys being filmed for MTV or somehow incentivized to behave so trashily? If that’s all true, Denise must be getting paid in some way. That, or she’s a dumbass 18-year-old.
I have two options for you:
1. If she’s still a pledge and not initiated as a sister yet, have a one-on-one conversation and tell her that the sisters have decided she has shown she has no respect for sisterhood and the bond of Your Sorority membership. Say “sister” and “respect” and “concerns” as many times as you possibly can, and imply that everyone hates her guts and thinks she’s trash. Then ask her for her pledge pin back, and tell her you hope she finds a house that better suits her at the next rush, like maybe the sluttiest house on campus.
2. If she’s already a sister, that won’t work. But you can still freeze her out. Ignore her. Ignore him, since he’s acting as a go-between these days. Keep her out of your life as much as possible; be distant and cool, barely friendly but definitely not her friend. Whenever you’re overcome with rage or the desire to spread nasty rumors about her, think about what you’d like to tell her. Eventually, because it seems to be her way, she’ll come crying to you - probably drunk at a mixer or formal - boo-hooing, wanting to know why you’re so mean to her. THEN tell her she’s been a miserable friend. Let it all out, in the perfect, short statement you’ve been crafting all this time. That should feel good, right?
I hope you’re able to bring it all to resolution.
DCB says,
What a mess. I’m going to take a blame-the-victim stance and blame you for allowing Denise to sink her tentacles into your life. You were given hints that she was evil yet you allowed her to play both you and her ex. (I’d like to meet this girl because she knows what she is doing.) Yes, she won and humiliated you (and continues to do so), but what are you going to do about it? Unless you have an awesome plan to get her back, quit the sorority and detach yourself from this massive ownage. Sororities are stupid anyway, as proven by your letter.
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