A guy I met on Jdate was ostensibly sweet and genuinely open to starting a relationship. However, recent events have me questioning his intentions from the very beginning. I’m not lamenting his loss, but only trying to wrap myself around his motives and decision-making capabilities.
Week 1: He and I meet, have several dates, have meals, hold hands. He begins talk of future plans, buys tickets to a ball game for us, discusses long-term desires.
Week 2: Much of the same, we develop (quasi) physical intimacy, his annoying habits are no longer “ignorable”.
Week 3: I decide to break it off after the ball game, but he strikes preemptively with a “I’m not ready to date..blah blah, my anxiety, boo hoo, I have aches and pains.” This was done over text message, by the way, after I had called, left a message, and texted him to see of anything was wrong. So, I sent an email to him, letting him know that if he was not ready to date because it was causing anxiety, then it was his decision to make..etc…not angry or anything.
My question: Why even discuss having a future with someone (and I mean he actually talked marriage, kids, vacations, “our” house, how many dogs we’d have) when, clearly, dating is an issue. Oh, and I’ve seen him on the website every day since he text-message-broke-up with me. Is he trying to play the field or is he just plain nuts?
DCB says,
He just wanted to bang you (you didn’t see that one coming, did you?). He was hoping that talking about all those warm and fuzzy things would get you in the sack. When they didn’t work, he realized he spent so much time with you that he couldn’t just walk away. Instead he did the stand-up thing to do by dumping you via text.
If you were going to break up with him, why do you even care what his intent was anyway? Is it maybe because you are aging and the sound of having a house and children is a bit too seducing to you? Perhaps.
Kathryn says,
Yeah, it could be that he was trying to get you in bed. But all that effort up-front seems excessive if that were the case. Maybe he sensed your hesitation and distance (inevitable if you were about to break up with him, no matter how great an actor you are) and decided it would hurt less if he took control and initiated the break-up. Maybe he’s one of those guys who wants to be one of those guys who are ready for a mature, adult relationship and all it entails, so he plays that part - talking about the future, the kids, the house, etc. - until he can’t hack it anymore and he chickens out. Via text message.
Obvy, you’re better off without him, regardless of his intentions. You didn’t even like him or see yourself with him long-term! I know it’s easier to say than do, but I recommend you be grateful to him for not wasting any more of your time, and consider yourself lucky you’re not one of his future JDate victims.
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SEVERAL dates in week one?! Talking about a FUTURE together somewhere between weeks one and three?! What is this - an episode of The Bachelor? That should have set off some warning bells - either DCB hit the nail on the head and this guy was:
1. just talking warm and fuzzy just to get you in the sack, or
2. desperate, desperate, desperate! (not meaning that in a negative way towards the poster - I’m sure she’s lovely).
Comment by Anonymous on 05/26/06.
That guy DEFINITELY just wanted some in the SACK. His premature talks about the future and longterm plans with you should have set up warning bells in your head. Ding ding ding. Heck you guys are and were strangers!!
For the future.. remember any guy who moves that FAST in the beginning is probably a whack and a con.. This man has no integrity and obviously saw that he wasn’t getting fast results with you. I don’t think he is nuts. He is a lying Jerk a Coward and a Manipulator.
Here’s a side note…he didn’t find you HOT enough to keep up his act and charade and quite possibly had other victims in the background.. Be very glad it was a short 3 weeks and you weren’t too heavily invested. I think a part of you may have believed in his LIES and that is why you are having trouble accepting that you were fooled.
That is understandable. None of us like to feel like we’ve been had. Never give your trust to someone who hasn’t earned it. Learn from this experience and move on.
Comment by Jada on 05/26/06.
I think DCB is probably right, but for the sake of argument, let’s just take his words seriously for the moment. If he did indeed REALLY want a long-term relationship and he was openly talking about what a future with you might be like, then he was screening you for compatibility. He was talking about kids, house, pets to see if you shared the same vision of married life as he did. If something you said didn’t match his future plans, then this is why he dropped you.
I always engage in some amount of screening when I am thinking about dating someone. I never screen for marriage in the first few weeks, that takes a while and you gotta be pretty damn special for that, but I do ask questions and raise issues designed to see what kind of woman I am dealing with.
Comment by Chaco on 05/26/06.
Does anyone agree with me that I think a lot of guys get caught up in the “fantasy” of the woman (esp. if she is attractive) and TRULY do believe all that “future” stuff at the beginning… and then when the reality of the actual real person sets in– and the potential of a real relationship sets in- they wake up from the ‘fantasy fog’ and JET?
Comment by Pinky on 05/26/06.
Pinky—OH you have no IDEA….Welcome to my life…Yes, the fantasy seems so ideal and then all of a sudden its like wait…this girl is human. BUH-Bye. Ive had it happen over and over. The good ones wants you even more bc you are human…unless you are a needy, annoying wack job in which case the guy should run run run!!!!!!!!!
I think there are a lot of neurotic men in this world with unrealistic expectations of women.
Comment by Pinky on 05/26/06.
I think there are a lot of neurotic women in this world with unrealistic expectations of men.
Comment by DCB on 05/26/06.
I’m gonna throw out another possibility.
Some guys really move that fast. They don’t date much and interpret “you don’t repulse me” as “she loves me!” In his mind he was several months ahead of where he should be. While you were still 3 weeks along he was 6-9 months in. Three weeks in and he starts to figure out that the reality isn’t matching the fantasy he’s built up. On TV the a relationship can be built in an hour or two with a montage thrown in and some cellos off screen. Clearly, that’s a standard timeline, right?
“It’s not working out” seems like an acceptable phrase 3 weeks in to the relationship it doesn’t feel right 6 months in. Particularly if you’ve deluded yourself into thinking that she’s really into you. He had to make up a story that felt better rolling off the tongue. Something that you couldn’t argue with. Something that makes it all him and not you. Then he remembers that one show where the really suave guy broke up with that one girl by saying “it’s not you, it’s me.” Yeah, she’ll totally buy that.
My ex-dated someone like that (not me) and I’ve come across a great many others just like him.
Or he figured that if someone is advertising on a site based around using religion as a basis for dating that you’re interested in starting a family and having babies just as soon as possible and used that assumption as the basis for his wooing while really intending just to have someone to bone for awhile.
Ibid- I have dated a guy just like that! The whole 6-months ahead thing…. making long-term plans.. daily calls/emails.. he made such a HUGE emotional deal out of breaking it off with me, telling me he cared about me and didn’t want to “hurt me” etc..but wasn’t capable of a relationship…. but we had only dated for a month (barely!).. let me tell you- I was more naive at the time and he basically convinced ME that I cared more than I did by his over-dramatizing the situation. At the time- I was REALLY thrown for a major loop.
Ibid- or anyone) IS THERE ANY WAY TO DEAL WITH A GUY LIKE THAT to make it work out?! Do we need to slow them down or something or is that impossible???
Comment by Pinky on 05/26/06.
Good grief!! Some of you folks are operating under the assumption that this dude was being sincere and meant the CRAP that came out of his mouth. Talk is very cheap and Actions speak louder than words.
Comment by Jada on 05/26/06.
Jada- in my experience, and from talking and knowing a lot of men, they truly *do* believe what they are saying *at the time*. They get caught up in it. I’m not saying this is true of every situation out there.. but it is true of many that I have seen. I find it true of men who do truly want a ‘relationship’ deserately, but are not connected to the reality of what a realtionship and a real woman are.
Comment by Pinky on 05/26/06.
3 weeks in, and there’s talk about MARRIAGE? oh geez… I agree with the others, and clearly this guy needs to SLOOOOOWWW DOOOOOWWWNN
Comment by nabeel on 05/26/06.
I reiterate .. talk is VERY cheap. Saying you “want” something and Doing what it takes to make it happen are very different. Just because someone says they want something doesn’t necessarily make it the truth. Until their actions are aligned with what comes out of their mouths, it is just alot of lipservice to others and/or lying to themselves. If you aren’t being proactive then you can’t want it that badly.
Comment by Anonymous on 05/26/06.
Actually that is my post above:)
Comment by Jada on 05/26/06.
Jada, remember that picture from the Vietnam war about some prisoner down on his knees getting shot in the head by a cop? From that picture everyone was convinced that it was a cold blooded execution of some poor hapless dissident. The truth was that the guy getting shot had just firebombed a police station killing everyone inside. The cop was outside on a cigarette break or he’d be dead, too. He chased the guy down, knocked him down, and shot him. The picture didn’t tell the story. The viewer had to make assumptions.
When someone writes in here they’re sending us a photograph. We have to fill in the gaps. We have to determine what’s going on that the camera doesn’t see. We have to determine what happened before and after. She could have been dating someone like the user and abuser that was mentioned yesterday. She could have been dating someone who builds stormtrooper outfits in his mother’s basement. Each day a good writer could flesh out a dozen different stories from the little bit that we’re presented.
Not all men are dogs. Maybe he was, but try plugging in a few different personality types to the story and see which ones still fit.
Ibid- you seem quite knowledgable on this topic– do you have any recommendations for dealing with this particular type of person? Please see my question to you at the bottom of my post above.. I’m so wondering if there is a way to slow these types down!! Thanks so much!!
Comment by Pinky on 05/26/06.
Pinky, you deal with that type of person much as you would a small child. Don’t beat around the bush. Once you realize that he is that personality type you sit him down and tell him he’s moving too fast. Then you have to explain that you’re not dumping him because that’s what he’s gonna assume.
Explain to him that developing a relationship is like building a skyscraper. While he’s trying to install carpet in the penthouse you’re still pouring the foundation. Then reassure him by telling him you’d like him there pouring the foundation with you.
He’ll still try to race ahead, but once he understands that he does that you should be able to take his arm and tell him “too far ahead” whenever he starts discussing neighboring funeral plots.
Another version of the story is how he calls up a girl, he’s incredibly anxious and on edge but he calls, she doesn’t pick up. It’s just her machine. He leaves a message and waits for her to call back. Instead of going off to do something else he obsesses. In the period of half an hour he goes from elation about making that phone call, to nervousness, to worrying about her, to being convinced that she must have come home got the message and she’s not calling back, “she doesn’t like me!” “she thinks I’m a dork!” and assorted other thoughts. But while she’s out grocery shopping he’s gone from “how about dinner” to “how dare she tell all her friends all those horrible things about me!”
Then explain that he’s doing the same thing with the relationship. While you’re still on the third date he’s picking out china and while you’re on the 8th date he’s hitting a midlife crisis. Tell him if he doesn’t slow down the sun will be going nova in his head by the time you’re actually ready to look at china patterns.
The long and the short of it is to spell it out carefully for him while making sure he knows you’re not dumping him. Don’t just communicate, over-communicate.
Comment by Ibid on 05/27/06.
Ibid- thank you- interesting.. it makes sense. Some of my past mistakes with these types had to do with trying to slow them down by not being available as much and slightly playing *down* how much I liked them to slow it down…..so that things actually WOULDN”T move too fast and combust.. and of course I found out later that they thought I didn’t like them, so they “bounced”! I don’t think I communicated enough… THANKS!!
Thanks so much!!