First Date DC » 2006

June 30, 2006

Doomed to be friends?

Anonymous writes,

Is there any way to get a friends w/ benefits deal going with a girl you’ve been friends with for ten years? She’s pretty much always had a boyfriend in the past so it’s been pretty much impossible up until now. Is it possible or am I wasting my time even asking this question?

DCB says,

Now I don’t know this situation too well, but I think it’s safe to say that if nothing has happened in 10 years, nothing ever will. This is the biggest case of “he who hesitates, masturbates” that I have seen.

Kathryn says,

No chance in hell. Why? Because you’re saying “friends with benefits.” Most women, when they’ve been friends with a guy for 10 years, wouldn’t risk the friendship for a hook-up. They’d want it to be a big, romantic love story, and make you their next boyfriend. When you have that much history, making things physical usually also makes things very relationship-py.

Your only shot: if you’re hot and she’s drunk.

10 Comments

June 29, 2006

Marine man

Wants to stay grounded writes,

I recently went to a wedding. Met a single 35 year old Marine Jag who I am very attracted to. I am 26. We seem to have similar backgrounds and common interests. It appears that he is attracted to me too. Initially I wasn’t interested in him at all. Not because he isn’t attractive but more because I usually have other things on my mind besides guys, dating, being in a relationship and that sort of thing. I definitely appreciate a GOOD LOOKING man however, I rarely develop an attraction to a guy without having become attracted to his mind first or how he carries himself and this usually take a bit of time.

Somehow he needs to turn me on mentally or intellectually for me to even notice him at all. I’ve been told by several of my friends and many people in my life that I tend to be very clueless and naive when it comes to men and noticing when a guy is attracted to me. I’ve had 2 serious relationships in my life which each lasted 2 years. I’ve spent most of my life more focused on my education, career, and have had very little experience and interest in casual dating. I usually just think that the guy is being “friendly” and would behave this way with any other person. Or I just don’t have the interest in being in a relationship at that moment so my mind doesn’t even entertain the possibility that he may be flirting with me. I am told by many that I am smart and hot looking. I’m realizing that I may indeed be considered academically smart, and socially sophisticated however I’m lacking DATE SMARTS. I’m a bit worried about this. I find myself feeling things for this guy that I haven’t experienced before.

When we first started talking I wasn’t very impressed with his demeanor. I thought to myself that he is smart and has done some interesting things i. e travelled the world 5x, gone to war 2x but seems a little pompous and stiff. At one point I actually told him that I found him to be quite serious and dry even by my conservative standards. I think he was taken aback by my bluntness but seemed to take it in stride. As the evening progressed I got to witness a very funny, sarcastic and wiseass side of him which I found to be quite enjoyable. It was nice to see him not take himself so seriously and no longer needing to let his accomplishments be known. Suddenly I saw him in a different light andd we ended up talking and dancing together all night.

He asked me for my number 5x that night. I kept avoiding his question bcause I had not figured out whether I liked him enough to want to see him post-wedding. Yet he persisted, I was shocked yet impressed with his tenacity and audacity. I finally decided that I wanted to see him again so I gave him my number. We met 3 weeks ago and have gone on three dates. We went scuba diving on one date horseback riding and dinner on the second date, sailing and a picnic on the last date. We have kissed, hugged, held hands, and that was nice too. Already he has discussed long term future plans with me and even told me that he “loves” me and wants to marry me.

He calls me every night. I already have his home number cell number, work number, and both his work and personal email addresses. This whole situation feels very exciting and he is unlike any man i’ve dated before but rationally I ask myself …..this all feels good and sounds nice but how can he love me already? He barely knows me. Is he BSing me to get me in the sack? Does he see me as a challenge? This seems to be moving quite fast. I ask myself whether he is saying all these lovely things because he thinks that is what I “WANT” to hear. A part of me thinks of something a friend once told me.. anything that burns that fast… burns out just as fast. I’ve spoken to a male friend of mine who thinks this Marine is all about the chase and appearances. He is simply attracted to me because he sees me as a trophy who is hard to get and wants others to envy him being seen with me. .. and then to get me into bed.

Bottom line - I’d like to prevent and avoid being what you refer to as being “pumped and dumped”.

Although I’ve dated lawyers before, I haven’t dated a military man before nor do I know any other people who are in the military. I’m not sure whether to trust the situation that I’m in or to trust him. Trust takes time to develop.

I don’t want to get hurt and don’t want to waste my time with someone who isn’t being genuine. If he is sincerely interested in a long term relationship and getting married, why isn’t he already taken? Afterall, he is attractive, athletic, finacially well off, educated, smart, funny occasionally charismatic, etc…. Surely he must have already met many women who would make good life partners. Does he sound too good to be true? What are the signs of a player?

Kathryn, all of your advice and perspectives are always appreciated.

DCB, I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of months and know you can be brutal sometimes with some of the things you say. Would it be possible to answer my post the way you would if you had a younger sister in this predicament? I’d appreciate that. Thanks in advance and sorry for being so long winded.

DCB says,

Congratulations, you are the biggest control freak that has ever written in. Why don’t you just ask him to write something like a business plan that attempts to cover every possible outcome that could result in this relationship?

You think you have done a great job with your life, crossing every ‘t’ and dotting every ‘i’, building wealth in a career that brings professional success, but you meet one interesting man and you completely take something natural and turn it into this cold, rigid… thing. Don’t you see how years of neglecting your social skills is turning you into a cripple when you meet a decent person? He is taking you out, giving you affection, and all you can think about is whether he fits in your 5-year plan. Honestly, you don’t deserve this guy. I have no doubt you are already looking at his faults to see if you can easily change them.

So maybe he is just saying he loves you to get you in bed. Why is that so bad? Are you not having a great time? You know, it’s okay these days to have sex with members of the opposite sex before marriage. It’s only after sex that you can figure out if a guy is bullshitting or not. Yes, that means penetration.

Kathryn says,

First, let me applaud you for one of the best-written, most coherent questions yet. Kudos.

Now, on to this guy. I think I’m going to make all male readers groan when I borrow a phrase from Sex & the City: I think your JAG’s light is on.

All men have in their minds what their version of “success” or “maturity” is. It might be reaching a certain age, having a certain title at work, having a certain dollar amount in the bank, owning a home, or almost any other sign of adulthood. Once they achieve that goal (conscious or not), within about two years they start looking for a mate. Think of men as taxis that are occupied and unavailable to pick up passengers most of their lives. Then, when they’re ready, their “available” light goes on, and they tend to marry the next worthy woman they date.

So again, I think your JAG’s light is on. He’s travelled the world, achieved success in his career, and reached an age where most men have at least started to think about settling down. He met you at a wedding, meaning you come with friend-of-friend type recommendations and connections, and he’s treated you like a princess with great success so far. He probably is wondering about the future, and whether you fit in it.

That said, I think three dates with minimal physical contact is not a good basis for him to throw the L word at you, especially if you are unsure and not feeling the same way. Don’t say it back unless you mean it, and don’t let the physical side of the relationship progress any faster than you feel comfortable with. If he’s truly interested in you in the super-long-term, he won’t mind, as he’ll feel he has all the time in the world.

I do hope it works out for you. Please let us know how it goes.

11 Comments

June 28, 2006

Intercontinental Nerd Love

Doubtful and Confused writes,

Hi, would love to hear your advice…

P and I know each other via the net for about 8 months now. He’s 30, I’m 26. We are both attractive and live in different continents. Never met face to face yet, only exchanging photos and him sending me a video clip of himself.

Ok. we have both said we like each other, and agree it’s hard to say if there’s real chemistry unless we meet. He has mentioned he really wants to meet and hopes to visit me in August if he can take time off work. And normally, when we don’t IM, he’ll text me almost daily.

Qn: How would I know that this isn’t just a game or a fun thing for him to pass time? He has always said I make him laugh and he enjoys chatting online with me. And we had online sex. (It was fun!) Sometimes, when we had misunderstandings due to poor IM communication, he’d call me immediately to explain what he really meant. My friend told me a guy wouldn’t waste his money texting someone in another continent if he isn’t interested. Is that true because I have no idea how a guy really thinks? Also, normally, when we IM or text, he seldom asks me about my life, but will respond nicely when I initiate telling him. Is this a lack of interest, or is it that he doesn’t want to be seen as probing?

I’m lousy at the Game, so I’ll love to learn how to improve on my Game and also ways to test him if he is really fond of me romantically. Should I not reply his texts for awhile and see if he gets panicky? I don’t want to waste my time waiting for him to come in August and then for him to tell me he’s not coming after all. However, he has said he’s afraid of being hurt and that distance
seems a big problem for us to work out..

Please help, because I’m really fond of him but I’m thinking of stopping all contact with him right away if he’s just a player. I’m afraid of being a fool and get hurt by this online romance! I know it seems silly to have strong feelings for someone whom I’ve not met, but I guess strange things do happen.. And I’ll love to know if long distance really is workable and how. Thank you so much!

DCB says,

Unless I’m missing something here and you plan to move to a foreign country, the sole purpose of this exchange is for sex. I’m sure he likes you, but I have a strong feeling he will be thinking of banging you when he visits. How could you not have gotten the hint when he sent that video clip of him playing with himself? You don’t really have to be good at the game to figure that out. Now as for testing him by withdrawing attention, I advise against that. It’s weak game and will tell you very little about what you want to know, unless you trust the analysis of your idiot friends who don’t know the situation as well as you do.

It sounds like you haven’t gotten laid in a while. Why not have a little fun with the foreign stud? If you are not going to reward him with sex for spending all that time with you, can you at least send him a video of you with some produce.

Kathryn says,

What happened to make you so afraid of a real relationship? I mean sure, this is fun, and it’s an interesting diversion, but how can you even be considering panoceanic long distance love with someone you’ve never even met? Sure, crazier things have happened, but I’m not so sure this sounds quite right.

If you’ve got nothing better to do and no other prospects and you can handle a few-night stand, go for the visit. Obvy, you’ll have sex. But expect nothing after.

If you are interested in a relationship, and it has to be with this guy, don’t play any games of any kind. At the most, I’d try not talking about myself and see if he asks anything at all. Also, I’d not talk about sex and see how long it takes him to bring it up. You should soon get a pretty good idea of his interests and sincerity.

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10 Comments

June 27, 2006

Whooooore

Anon writes,

Dear First Date DC:

I am a girl that is known as a player. I don’t sleep around. I just don’t see the point in committing when I don’t like someone enough. And I do not see the harm in going out and having fun with people.

But despite my player rep, I starting dated this guy two years ago. He is known as being a bigger player than I. Mostly just because girls follow him around because he is a successful exec at this big company. (They do not have the brains to relate to him, but he is kind of insecure so he lets them follow him around because it makes him feel cool). Nerd syndrome. (Nerd in school becomes rich and famous, flips out, parties like nuts, lets bimbos follow him around. Then a few years later says, “shit! what am i doing!”)

So we were getting along really well, connecting on different levels (I have some of that nerd syndrome myself.. Don’t ask). But then due to a misunderstanding and prob my own weird insecurity about these hoes that hung around …I kicked his car and broke up with him because I saw this gutterslut getting into his car outside Modern in Georgetown.

Three months later I found out she begged him for a ride. He agreed to take her and two of her friends to her car. But this was one of the cheap whore biatches that was always trying to sit on his lap when I was out with him - — right in front of me.

OK. I was wrong.

In a rage, I then started dating this guy he did not like the following day. I dated that guy for a year before I kicked his car, too, because he was just plain stupid. Four months later …

Guy number one and I are talking again. But I am not sure I trust him, he is not sure he trusts me. We are both afraid of each others’ player reps.

SOoooo, we are making progress and then he goes out of town. Then this weekend I am at this big party that I needed a date for, so I took some random guy that looked the part and owned a tux. OK. Guess what? Guy number 1 was at that party too. So fuck. He sees me with this random guy.

We’ve not talked since.

I feel horrible. The random guy means nothing to me. We are just pals. How can a girl go to a function which requires a date with no date? :/

SOOoooo what to do? Just chill and hang back? Or try to talk to guy number one? Maybe I am not expressing this in this email, but guy number one is the only guy I have ever been in love with. So this really sucks. Anything I could do?

Thanks for listening.

Jane Doe

P.S. DCB: I have as much money as guy number one, so this is not a money issue. I know that is the first thing you will say. And, I pay when I go out on dates with people about 60-80% of the time. Just because I make more money.

Kathryn says,

Jane, Jane, Jane. Oh, Jane.

First, is “kicked his car” the new “kicked to the curb” or something?

Second, if he was supposed to be out of town, why was he at that event? And if you are really just friends with the person who escorted you to said event, why not just say so? Seems like, if you’re being honest, there is no problem.

That said, I think you and Guy 1 may just deserve each other. Sounds like you both lie, get yourselves in situations that people in committed relationships wouldn’t get themselves into (whether or not there’s actual cheating), and think pretty highly of yourselves. Hold on to him for dear life.

DCB says,

You are seriously retarded and not yet mature enough to have a relationship with a desirable man. Why would a good man want to get with a player such as yourself? What qualities do you bring to the table other than playing games and destroying property? Look, he doesn’t like you because he thinks you are better destined to cat ownership. Just move on and milk your looks with stupid men for the few remaining years you can pull it off.

Also: it takes you a year to realize a guy is stupid? Maybe your game is not as tight as you think.

19 Comments

June 26, 2006

I want to cockblock a marriage

Homewrecker writes,

One of my best guy friends I’ve known for years is about to pop the question to his miserable, worthless, alcoholic, cokehead, arrogant, piece of dog-shit self-centered bitch of a girlfriend. And she will say “yes” if he does, so let’s assume for all practical purposes they’re engaged. Aside from a cool haircut (which I think is what hooked him at first), she absolutely lacks a single positive quality, and I think she’s into him b/c he spoils the crap out of her. Please understand that this isn’t me boo-hooing about my boy wanting to get married. My characterizations are objective, they’re independently confirmed by just about all our friends, and I’m not one of those “I hate all my buddies’ girlfriends” shallow dicks; if one of my friends is dating a cool girl and she’s nice, then by all means good for him.

Anyway, I care about my friend and don’t want him to get screwed - figuratively, that is - by this useless girl. I’m all about free markets and personal responsibility when it comes to dating, one should know what makes a good relationship and be responsible in making their decisions. I’ve certainly had my share of good and bad relationships, and I’ve done my best to examine them afterward to learn important life lessons about love, patience, and self-respect.

However, he’s so goddam enamored with her that his ability to reason has gone flat as a tire. I fear that if they get engaged and ultimately married, the following series of events will occur: (1) she’ll get pregnant within months of the wedding (”I’m so sorry babe, I guess I forgot to take my pill that one day!”) as her insurance policy to keep them married; (2) one day the poor bastard is going to wake up and realize how horrible she really is; and (3) he either stays miserable in the marriage b/c of the kid(s), or splits and starts child support payments.

Want one more twist on things? She’s told a couple of random people that she may not want to be with him anymore, but she definitely doesn’t show a beat of this at least when they’re out in public, where she’s all coos and smiles.

So… do I go all ’80s b-movie plot on him, sit him down, and tell him to tell this skank to beat it? And if so, how would I go about doing it so his first instinct isn’t to break a chair over my head? Or, do I subscribe to my own free market philosophy and let him deal with on his own, this is his gig and I have no business interfering? Christ…

DCB says,

Have you stopped to think for one second that he has found qualities in her that are not the same as what you want in a partner? Maybe all he wants in life is to get spoiled by a girl with a cool haircut.

He’s an adult who is completely capable of making his own decisions. I doubt he has asked you to be a mommy figure and “save” him for a mistake that is just so obvious to you. If you tell him how you really feel, he will drop you faster than the length of the upcoming marriage, and you will isolate him further with the woman you hate. Be there for your friend, but don’t butt in if he hasn’t asked for advice or help. I bet she is spectacular in bed.

Kathryn says,

Have you asked any other friends how they feel about her? Perhaps ones who have also heard her say she isn’t into him anymore? I find it hard to believe that, if this woman is that horrible and she’s been dumb enough to say negative things about her relationship behind your friend’s back, none of your other friends are talking about it.

I’d drum up some support from one or two other close friends and get the “groom” out for beers one night. I’m not suggesting serious intervention, but perhaps one of you could bring up the “totally fucked up thing” the “bride” said the other day, and the rest of you could chime in with similar stories or concerns. Always phrase everything with concern for him, and do your best to avoid making any sweeping judgements about her. Just talk about her specific actions or comments. He’ll be furious in the moment, but will probably come around later. At a minimum, even if he still marries her, his anger will be diffused among two or three of you and will dissipate more quickly. Good luck!

10 Comments

June 23, 2006

No love

FDDC will not be in service today. DCB had his wisdom teeth removed, making it extremely difficult for him to sassmouth our advice seekers.

See you Monday.

0 Comments

June 22, 2006

Finding the singles

new2dc writes,

Hey DCB/Kathryn. Been reading this blog for quite a while and I love the advice! However, it’s about time I ask for a bit of my own.

I’ll be moving to DC in a couple months for law school and was curious if you could shed some light on the city’s overall hookup/dating scene. I’m in my mid-twenties (translation: past the fraternity party stage but still way into the bar scene), and am a fairly decent looking dude. I’ve never really gotten a girl on my looks alone but I don’t send them running away screaming either.

Assuming I have the time as a first year law student (I always manage to find time for these things), what’s the best way to meet people in the area? Whether I’m looking for a new friend, a drunken hookup, one night stand, or a causal date, what general advice do you have for doing so in DC?

I’ve tried the match.com deal, with little success. I do much better in person where I can think on my feet and interact directly with people. I have virtually no approach anxiety and consider myself to be very outgoing.

Thanks in advance for any help you can provide!

DCB says,

You have a few options, none of which are that appetizing:

1. Grind it out. Go to the bars, approach, game, get rejected, etc.

2. Bang your classmates.

3. Join some sort of club or be a regular at a place that has girls you like. Maybe the bookstore, museums, city park, whatever. Maybe join a 20-something volunteer group. Maybe go to church and manipulate a virgin.

I’ve been doing number one for several years, but I’m having a hard time meeting quality women as my stock goes up. I stop by the clubs still to keep my game sharp, but I secretly wish I could meet an 18 year old at Target in the kitchenware section.

PS. Please, stay away from the internet. No good will come out of it.

Kathryn says,

Please to also read this post from a while back.

I said and stand by this statement: “I have a lot of quality, interesting, attractive, intelligent female friends of all ages (23 - 40). They lament the lack of quality, interesting, attractive, intelligent men in DC. These women can be found, depending on day, hour, and mood, at the gym, the grocery store, the dive bars, the charity circuit events, the newest, hippest lounges, the local Starbuck�s, the metro, the bookstore, ANYWHERE. So how do you find them? Like DCB said: just get out. Plow ahead. Travel. Don�t give up. Be patient.” And if, as you said, you’re cute and have no approach anxiety and work well one-on-one, then you should do really well meeting women all over the city, day or night.

One thing I would warn you against is dating your classmates. You’ll be working with them for three years. I have heard from friends in law school and med school and so on that over the course of your program, things get pretty 90210/Melrose incestuous, with everyone having dated everyone else. Hm. Maybe I mean, if you like someone, try to date them immediately before all your classmates have been there.

In any case, good luck and welcome to DC!

23 Comments

June 21, 2006

Newcomer

New to the Scene says,

Hi there,

Two questions (if that’s ok):

1. If a guy you’re not interested in asks for your phone number, how to respond? Is it best to give it to him and then just not answer the calls; to say you don’t like giving out your number but you’ll take his and then not call; or to just say no thanks. Let’s assume the guy is nice, but you’re just not interested, and he’s not someone you’d see unless you happened to run into him again (i.e., he’s not a friend of a friend or a co-worker or something).

2. If you don’t know many people in the area, and a guy you’re not interested in asks for your phone number, is it a good idea to give it to him and hang out with him hoping that maybe he’ll introduce you to more people? Or should you only give out the number and hang out with him if you are interested in him?

Thanks!

Kathryn says,

I’m going to combine your two questions into one answer: I would only give the number if you are interested. A polite response is “oh, I’m really just trying to settle in to my new place these days. I hope I’ll run into you again when I’m getting out a little more.”

However, I will ask you this: are you sure HE’S interested, and not just, oh, recruiting for a coed softball or kickball team, or his buddy, or any other number of reasons? I’ve had plenty of guys who became friends get my number with no ill intentions or effects. As someone who’s new to the city and probably in need of new friends and activities, I’d encourage you to make sure the guy is trying to pick you up before you blow him off.

DCB says,

1. “I have a boyfriend, sorry.” 90% of guys get the hint when you hit them with this line.

2. No. He has absolutely no intention of introducing you to his friends so you can expand your social circle. Only give the digits when you are interested.

I love how women always try to spin a situation in their favor at someone else’s expense.

12 Comments

June 20, 2006

Super slump

Help me! writes,

So this is the situation.

I moved to a new city from DC about a year ago. I feel like I am a pretty decent looking guy, but my current dating life begs to differ. (here we go with the validation) I have had some very good looking girlfriends in the past, but also some average looking ones as well. Maybe the good looking chicks were just pure luck, I can’t tell at this point.

My situation is this: The desert is dry. I look around and I have no prospects in the pipe line, no action on the table, and no game what-so-ever on the weekends. I am freaking out. It hasn’t been this dry in years.

When I lived in DC it’s not like I was some stud, but at least there was some hope. I got laid on a semi-regular basis. In this new town, it seems like I work monday-friday and head to some loud club one day over the weekend to sit in the corner and stare at chicks..

My buddies get NO ass, so it’s not like I can cherry pick of them. Plus, there really isn’t any tail to speak of in our small social circle. Honestly, I am on my own and whats scared me most, is that my buddies don’t seem to mind that we don’t get any ass. In DC my frieds had chicks swinging from the rafters. Now, its like all my buddies head to the club, get drunk and gawk at the chicks from the bar. We litarlly roll 6 deep with dudes. I rarely did that in DC.

DCB, help me with my lack of game and action. In DC there was the after work happy hours and the weekend house parties to line it up. Down here there is nothing. I miss the happy hours and Cap Lounge. I never thought in my life that I would miss the Clarendon Ballroom. God, I long for the days. I am getting very depressed. I tried the internet dating thing and it made me even more bummed. Is my game so bad that I have turned to winking at someone? Maybe I am ugly and haven’t come to grips with it.. I don’t know.

I like to think I am a good looking guy, but the results over the last year beg to differ. Help me out bro. Where do I start. I am one of those guys who goes to the club and sits in the corner looking at girls. I was never like this in DC. HELP!!!! Give me a top to bottom plan on how to rescue my soul. Help me bulid the confidence back up. There are some many hot women down here I don’t talk to any of them.

My worst fear in life is settling for a women, because I don’t think I can do any better. DCB show me the way.. Please help me meet some hot chicks. I never thought I would be a guy who wanted companionship, but man I miss the sunday morning sex. My dating life is non-existent

I really need your help. I am currently talking to a 21 year old with braces that I meet on Match.com who isn’t even banging me.. Yes my dating life is that bad.

Help me DCB.

Kathryn says,

Since you are begging for help from my companion, I’ll keep this brief and let him help you out - I know he can.

My biggest tip: if you run with a pack of losers, girls you meet will lump you in with them, and write you off from the start. You have GOT to branch out when you’re looking for women. Hang out with the no-game guys to watch/talk sports and drink and play softball or whatever. Leave them at home when you want to meet girls. Once you’ve got the girl interested, if you later introduce her to your friends, she won’t think less of you for hanging with nerds. In fact, she’ll like you more because she’ll think you aren’t shallow and care about them as people.

DCB says,

First, calm the fuck down. I don’t care how long your slump is, but desperation is not a quality you want to put out right now.

What you have is a “system” problem, as opposed to an unlucky streak that you can explain through the normal variance of things.

1. You have a weak social circle. Rolling 6 deep in a club with guys who are bad with women?

2. You do not approach.

3. You do not have a regular spot that you feel comfortable in.

You have to solve each issue on its own. This will be slow and tedious, but there is no quick fix to your massive problem. First, ditch the guys who are not helping you get what you want. There is absolutely no reason to go to a club with guys who have no game. You need to find a guy who knows how to game and will motivate you to do the same. It’s not that easy to meet a new guy friend when you are older so I don’t have much more advice than to join a raquetball club or something, but I believe it is better to go into a bar solo than with losers.

Second, you need to get comfortable talking to girls. Start small by smiling at girls and saying hi. Go out to a mall and say hi to dozens of girls if you have to. Tell them you are shopping for your sister and need their opinion. Do anything to get some practice talking with women and don’t worry about “game” initially. You need to learn that it’s not as bad as you think.

Third, find a bar or club that you like, and start going there alone at least once a week. Have two drinks, chat with the bartender, and go home. You need a “home base,” a place you can go to when you have no options just to get out of the house. If you feel bored at the bar, bring a book, drawing pad, or laptop… I don’t care. If a woman sits next to you, say hi and have a normal conversation. You may want to go on weekdays where there will be less attitude.

I think if you take these steps, you will build up enough confidence to start gaming girls again. I predict it will take about 6 months. Looking on the bright side, you are at rock bottom so I don’t see things getting worse.

Pick up artist tips

16 Comments

June 19, 2006

Break or break-up?

despondent in dc writes,

OK here is my situation, and I would love any outside insight into this. I have been in a serious long term relationship for a year and an half now. We talk everyday and see each other only about once a month. We love each other very much. I am about to move to his state (though not his city) in a couple of weeks for grad school.

Over the summer, I am going to have to stay at my parents place but that isn’t that big of a deal as we will be within driving distance of each other. But the strange thing is that, while we have been so excited to be closer to each other and been waiting for this time to come, we are having more problems now right before I get there then we ever had before. He has been having issues the past couple of weeks about me going out (which he NEVER had problems with before) and having a good time with my friends, which I have been trying to do as much as I can before I leave and not see them for awhile. He says I have been acting funny on the phone with him and being sketchy about details, which I feel that I haven’t been doing at all.

This last weekend, he blew up at me, and we got in a HUGE fight that went into the next day. Since no resolution seemed to be in sight, he suggested that we wait until I move to his area before we really talk about it, and until then we should just not talk to each other for the time being while I am still in DC. He says that he wants me to have my fun while I am here, but he would just rather not know about it. He kept stressing that we are not broken up and we are not seeing other people - we are still very much together, just not talking for now. Is that weird that he would suggest that? Is this some sort of punishment or is he really just waiting for me to see him in person so he can break up with me?

He said this was defintely not a break up and he loves me so much, we just need to work out our issues. But I have to tell you that I am starting to get worried because he actually hasn’t called the last couple of days, and I thought he would break down by now, as we have talked every day until now. If something is coming, I would rather be prepared, then totally blindsighted. I would be devestated otherwise and I already miss him so much with no phone time. So I really would like your help. Thanks!

DCB says,

He’s breaking up with you. Sudden, irrational changes of behavior is usually a good sign that the end is near. This is basically a “phase-out” that will be spun into something like, “Well, I can’t trust you.” There isn’t much you can do because it seems like he has already made up his mind. I’m guessing he’s scared about you moving so close to him or he met someone else.

If you can stomach it, I recommend the pre-emptive breakup to preserve your diminishing relationship power. He will never see it coming!

Kathryn says,

I have a feeling he’s dating someone else, possibly because he’s freaking out about the relationship moving from long-distance to relatively local. Whenever your partner says you’re doing something that seems way out of line or completely untrue - “you’re acting funny” or “you’re sketchy on details” - often it means they are the ones behaving this way. Further evidence: he is taking a phone break with you, meaning he doesn’t have to explain where he’s been or what he’s doing.

Instead of being honest with you, he’s acting as if you’re changing or acting differently as a defense mechanism. It doesn’t seem like he’s ready for this step. I’d prepare for a break-up, and possibly even do it yourself if it would help you feel stronger about not being with him anymore.

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