OK here is my situation, and I would love any outside insight into this. I have been in a serious long term relationship for a year and an half now. We talk everyday and see each other only about once a month. We love each other very much. I am about to move to his state (though not his city) in a couple of weeks for grad school.
Over the summer, I am going to have to stay at my parents place but that isn’t that big of a deal as we will be within driving distance of each other. But the strange thing is that, while we have been so excited to be closer to each other and been waiting for this time to come, we are having more problems now right before I get there then we ever had before. He has been having issues the past couple of weeks about me going out (which he NEVER had problems with before) and having a good time with my friends, which I have been trying to do as much as I can before I leave and not see them for awhile. He says I have been acting funny on the phone with him and being sketchy about details, which I feel that I haven’t been doing at all.
This last weekend, he blew up at me, and we got in a HUGE fight that went into the next day. Since no resolution seemed to be in sight, he suggested that we wait until I move to his area before we really talk about it, and until then we should just not talk to each other for the time being while I am still in DC. He says that he wants me to have my fun while I am here, but he would just rather not know about it. He kept stressing that we are not broken up and we are not seeing other people - we are still very much together, just not talking for now. Is that weird that he would suggest that? Is this some sort of punishment or is he really just waiting for me to see him in person so he can break up with me?
He said this was defintely not a break up and he loves me so much, we just need to work out our issues. But I have to tell you that I am starting to get worried because he actually hasn’t called the last couple of days, and I thought he would break down by now, as we have talked every day until now. If something is coming, I would rather be prepared, then totally blindsighted. I would be devestated otherwise and I already miss him so much with no phone time. So I really would like your help. Thanks!
DCB says,
He’s breaking up with you. Sudden, irrational changes of behavior is usually a good sign that the end is near. This is basically a “phase-out” that will be spun into something like, “Well, I can’t trust you.” There isn’t much you can do because it seems like he has already made up his mind. I’m guessing he’s scared about you moving so close to him or he met someone else.
If you can stomach it, I recommend the pre-emptive breakup to preserve your diminishing relationship power. He will never see it coming!
Kathryn says,
I have a feeling he’s dating someone else, possibly because he’s freaking out about the relationship moving from long-distance to relatively local. Whenever your partner says you’re doing something that seems way out of line or completely untrue - “you’re acting funny” or “you’re sketchy on details” - often it means they are the ones behaving this way. Further evidence: he is taking a phone break with you, meaning he doesn’t have to explain where he’s been or what he’s doing.
Instead of being honest with you, he’s acting as if you’re changing or acting differently as a defense mechanism. It doesn’t seem like he’s ready for this step. I’d prepare for a break-up, and possibly even do it yourself if it would help you feel stronger about not being with him anymore.
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Forget about what he says and pay attention to what he does. Something is not kosher on his side. Seems like your moving within driving distance to him is TOO much reality for him. Unfortunately most long distance relationships are veiled by too much fantasy. I do think there is another female in the picture. He is keeping you stringing you along to keep his options open. His behaviour is very SELF SERVING and his words are a bunch of BS. I agree with DCB’s pre-emptive suggestion. Dump his Ass.
Comment by Jada on 06/19/06.
be strong. go cold turkey. dump him. you’ll be proud of yourself later for not hanging on.
Comment by yep on 06/19/06.
Could be he met someone else and the guilt is causing him to project his behavior flaws on you.
Could be anxiety about the relationship change (i.e. seeing each other more than once a month).
Could be he’s a manipulative jerk and wants you on the defensive as the relationship moves to full time.
Set his dog on fire and see if that helps. (No, not really. I just wanted to say something other than the obvious.)
I have a slightly different take on this. I think this guy has control issues and is very insecure. The fact that he is threatened by you spending time with your friends and “having fun” is a huge red flag. With you living so far away he knew he could not manipulate you, however now that you will be much closer he is beginning to feel threatened and is showing his true nature.
Since you are going to grad school it is not as if you are moving just to be with him… this is a good thing. When you finally talk about the relationship with him make it known that you will have other priorities in your life such as school and friends and family, and he needs to know that it does not affect your feelings for him. If any of these things suffer for the sake of the relationship you will end up resenting him. Do not let him play any control games and call him on it (in a nice way) if he continues to make demands or disapproves of your behavior.
Comment by Pinky Hater on 06/19/06.
Oh, I’ve been here: He’s seeing someone else.
While I understand that not all circumstances are the same and that your boyfriend may have very valid reasons for acting the way he’s acting, it all adds up to “I’m seeing someone else and I’m freaked because you might discover it.” My guess on the whole “we’re not broken up, but we’re not talking” thing is that he wants to figure out which one of you (you or the local girl) he’d rather date. Basically, he’s dating the local girl and keeping you on the side. Men like this are total jerks. I know it’s going to hurt, but you should really follow DCB’s advice and dump him first. Your pride will thank you for it later.
I don’t think the “he’s seeing someone else” theory really fits with his apparent jealousy and control (or lack thereof) issues. It sounds to me like he’s trying to make a point about something, but without more knowledge, who knows what that point is. But don’t let him set the schedule - if you want to talk about it now, talk about it now.
I don’t think he’s necessarily seeing someone else. I think by living far away from each other, you guys didn’t have to deal with the everyday details of each other’s lives in a “real” way. So, going out with your girls on the weekend was more of a far away thought than an immediate reality. He can’t stop you from going out. But now that you are moving closer to him, going out with girlfriends is going to be much more of a reality.
In short, I think he is feeling emotionally suffocated at the thought of you being geographically closer to him. As much as a long distance couple says they are involved in each other’s lives, let’s face it- there IS distance (psychological, mental, emotional) when you live far away from each other.
Perhaps, he just needs time to adjust to this new arrangement and things will be fine and dandy for the two of you. However, if he is seeing someone on the side, I would say have a blast in this new town and make yourself be known! (but not in a slutty way)
Comment by anon on 06/19/06.
Dump him. He is clearly pushing you away, whether he’s seeing someone else or not. Telling you can’t see other people but not being there for you either? That’s bullshit. I agree with the above, that people start acting insecure and controlling because they are the ones acting out. He may be seeing someone else, or want to, or maybe he just isn’t ready for the relationship to progress beyond part time. Dump him, enjoy to the fullest what’s left of your time in DC, and start the next phase of your life when you get to school. I know it sucks, but dump him. And let us know when you do.
I don’t know if he is seeing anyone else or not, but I do know his actions are not adding up. He suddenly gets jealous when he never had before? He doesn’t want to break up or see anyone else, but he does not want to talk to you to work it out? I can’t make sense of this.
So it could be any of the things the others have said, but I will propose a new theory just for the sake of being different. You are the one not giving us the straight story. Are you sure you have not been vauge about the details are what you are doing? Are you sure you have not been different on the phone with him? Are you sure there are no other guys in your life? Nothing has changed on your end and it’s all his fault because he is being totally irrational? REALLY?
