One of my best guy friends I’ve known for years is about to pop the question to his miserable, worthless, alcoholic, cokehead, arrogant, piece of dog-shit self-centered bitch of a girlfriend. And she will say “yes” if he does, so let’s assume for all practical purposes they’re engaged. Aside from a cool haircut (which I think is what hooked him at first), she absolutely lacks a single positive quality, and I think she’s into him b/c he spoils the crap out of her. Please understand that this isn’t me boo-hooing about my boy wanting to get married. My characterizations are objective, they’re independently confirmed by just about all our friends, and I’m not one of those “I hate all my buddies’ girlfriends” shallow dicks; if one of my friends is dating a cool girl and she’s nice, then by all means good for him.
Anyway, I care about my friend and don’t want him to get screwed - figuratively, that is - by this useless girl. I’m all about free markets and personal responsibility when it comes to dating, one should know what makes a good relationship and be responsible in making their decisions. I’ve certainly had my share of good and bad relationships, and I’ve done my best to examine them afterward to learn important life lessons about love, patience, and self-respect.
However, he’s so goddam enamored with her that his ability to reason has gone flat as a tire. I fear that if they get engaged and ultimately married, the following series of events will occur: (1) she’ll get pregnant within months of the wedding (”I’m so sorry babe, I guess I forgot to take my pill that one day!”) as her insurance policy to keep them married; (2) one day the poor bastard is going to wake up and realize how horrible she really is; and (3) he either stays miserable in the marriage b/c of the kid(s), or splits and starts child support payments.
Want one more twist on things? She’s told a couple of random people that she may not want to be with him anymore, but she definitely doesn’t show a beat of this at least when they’re out in public, where she’s all coos and smiles.
So… do I go all ’80s b-movie plot on him, sit him down, and tell him to tell this skank to beat it? And if so, how would I go about doing it so his first instinct isn’t to break a chair over my head? Or, do I subscribe to my own free market philosophy and let him deal with on his own, this is his gig and I have no business interfering? Christ…
DCB says,
Have you stopped to think for one second that he has found qualities in her that are not the same as what you want in a partner? Maybe all he wants in life is to get spoiled by a girl with a cool haircut.
He’s an adult who is completely capable of making his own decisions. I doubt he has asked you to be a mommy figure and “save” him for a mistake that is just so obvious to you. If you tell him how you really feel, he will drop you faster than the length of the upcoming marriage, and you will isolate him further with the woman you hate. Be there for your friend, but don’t butt in if he hasn’t asked for advice or help. I bet she is spectacular in bed.
Kathryn says,
Have you asked any other friends how they feel about her? Perhaps ones who have also heard her say she isn’t into him anymore? I find it hard to believe that, if this woman is that horrible and she’s been dumb enough to say negative things about her relationship behind your friend’s back, none of your other friends are talking about it.
I’d drum up some support from one or two other close friends and get the “groom” out for beers one night. I’m not suggesting serious intervention, but perhaps one of you could bring up the “totally fucked up thing” the “bride” said the other day, and the rest of you could chime in with similar stories or concerns. Always phrase everything with concern for him, and do your best to avoid making any sweeping judgements about her. Just talk about her specific actions or comments. He’ll be furious in the moment, but will probably come around later. At a minimum, even if he still marries her, his anger will be diffused among two or three of you and will dissipate more quickly. Good luck!
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If he loves her there’s not much you can say. Tell him how you feel and you become the bad guy and will remain so until the divorce.
You can try paying her to disappear. Sounds like $50 and a fresh container of Pez should do it.
You can collect testamonies from all the friends who have dealt with her so it’s not just your word he’s fighting with.
You can get a few beers in him and then ask him what he sees in her. If he’s drunk enough he might even admit that he’s settling for what’s available because he’s afraid he can’t do better.
You can get him drunk, have him sleep with someone else, and give her the Polaroids.
You can give her a bigger sugar daddy to leech off of. Got an old boss you don’t like?
You can get some Army friend to sneak her onto a cargo plane and push her out over Mongolia somewhere. I’d give her a parachute, but that’s really up to you.
Really, I think the best thing that you can do is tell him this:
“Look, we’re friends. If I was dating someone you thought was trouble I’d expect you to tell me. I wouldn’t listen, but I’d expect you to tell me. So, as your friend, I feel obliged to tell you that I think this chick is trouble. I don’t expect you to listen, but it had to be said. Two things I want you to do if you’re going to marry her. First, get an iron clad pre-nup. Second, you control the birth control - Always. She can skip her pill, she can poke holes in condoms… YOU must hold dominion over the birth control so she can’t ‘oops’ you.”
If you can’t be supportive, mind you own business.
Comment by Jada on 06/26/06.
He won’t listen, but you should tell him anyway. Before I got married, my friends got together and told me she was no good and that I could do better. I wouldn’t listen. She wouldn’t do those things, we were in love, blah blah blah. Turns out three months after we were married she was up to her old tricks of banging random dudes. Didn’t really find out about it until a couple years later. Suffice it to say we are now divorced, no kids thank God.
If you really care about this friend, it *is* your business to tell him what you think. I wish I had taken my friends advice earlier. I was blinded, and so is your friend probably. We all have to learn from our mistakes, so if you can’t convince him to not marry her, then impress upon him the need for condoms condoms condoms.
Comment by NotBitter on 06/26/06.
I agree that he probably won’t listen, but if you’re not the only one thinking this, it might be best to say something. Friends are supposed to look out for each other. With that said, though, why didn’t you say something earlier? Before it got to this dramatic point?
Congratulations, Kelly Ann Collins is about to get engaged!
Comment by Anon on 06/26/06.
DCB is probably right, but if you feel compelled to say something, then Kathryn has a good plan. Get a few friends together, use specific stories about things she did and said, let him know you care about him. If a good friend came to me and said “man, I know you care about your girl, but she’d been doing xyz terrible thing and I had to tell you,” then I would hear him out, question him carefully, and try to verify what he said independently. If it proved true, I’d be very grateful to the friend for saving me from years with a dishonest woman.
Comment by Chaco on 06/26/06.
DCB nailed it, she’s probably awesome in the sack. If this is the case, you can’t dissuade this guy, so don’t try. You know the drill: crazy in head, crazy in bed. And I’m assuming she’s basically crazy in head what with the alcoholism and cokeheadism.
Comment by Howie Do on 06/26/06.
probably sucks a mean rod. nothing you say will matter.
tampa
Comment by Anonymous on 06/26/06.
have some hot sane chick cross his path one night and see what he does. or hell, give him my number, hehe. or, why don’t you hook up with her. that way, you’ll get the scoop, see what the deal is, if she’s that good in the sack or whatever, and at the same time, create a good reason to end the engagement. voila!
Comment by aurelgrooves on 06/26/06.
There is NOTHING you can say or do to change his mind. However it is your place as his friend to let him know what you truly think about this chick. Of course she’s good in bed! What do you think has blinded him to all the negative stuff? A guy, especially one that hasn’t been through a horible relationship experience, can be extremely susceptible to the power of a good piece of regular ass even at the cost of his self-respect. He likely has other issues plaguing him that have erroded his self confidence, so he feels he will never get a piece like that again.
