Marine man
Wants to stay grounded writes,
I recently went to a wedding. Met a single 35 year old Marine Jag who I am very attracted to. I am 26. We seem to have similar backgrounds and common interests. It appears that he is attracted to me too. Initially I wasn’t interested in him at all. Not because he isn’t attractive but more because I usually have other things on my mind besides guys, dating, being in a relationship and that sort of thing. I definitely appreciate a GOOD LOOKING man however, I rarely develop an attraction to a guy without having become attracted to his mind first or how he carries himself and this usually take a bit of time.
Somehow he needs to turn me on mentally or intellectually for me to even notice him at all. I’ve been told by several of my friends and many people in my life that I tend to be very clueless and naive when it comes to men and noticing when a guy is attracted to me. I’ve had 2 serious relationships in my life which each lasted 2 years. I’ve spent most of my life more focused on my education, career, and have had very little experience and interest in casual dating. I usually just think that the guy is being “friendly” and would behave this way with any other person. Or I just don’t have the interest in being in a relationship at that moment so my mind doesn’t even entertain the possibility that he may be flirting with me. I am told by many that I am smart and hot looking. I’m realizing that I may indeed be considered academically smart, and socially sophisticated however I’m lacking DATE SMARTS. I’m a bit worried about this. I find myself feeling things for this guy that I haven’t experienced before.
When we first started talking I wasn’t very impressed with his demeanor. I thought to myself that he is smart and has done some interesting things i. e travelled the world 5x, gone to war 2x but seems a little pompous and stiff. At one point I actually told him that I found him to be quite serious and dry even by my conservative standards. I think he was taken aback by my bluntness but seemed to take it in stride. As the evening progressed I got to witness a very funny, sarcastic and wiseass side of him which I found to be quite enjoyable. It was nice to see him not take himself so seriously and no longer needing to let his accomplishments be known. Suddenly I saw him in a different light andd we ended up talking and dancing together all night.
He asked me for my number 5x that night. I kept avoiding his question bcause I had not figured out whether I liked him enough to want to see him post-wedding. Yet he persisted, I was shocked yet impressed with his tenacity and audacity. I finally decided that I wanted to see him again so I gave him my number. We met 3 weeks ago and have gone on three dates. We went scuba diving on one date horseback riding and dinner on the second date, sailing and a picnic on the last date. We have kissed, hugged, held hands, and that was nice too. Already he has discussed long term future plans with me and even told me that he “loves” me and wants to marry me.
He calls me every night. I already have his home number cell number, work number, and both his work and personal email addresses. This whole situation feels very exciting and he is unlike any man i’ve dated before but rationally I ask myself …..this all feels good and sounds nice but how can he love me already? He barely knows me. Is he BSing me to get me in the sack? Does he see me as a challenge? This seems to be moving quite fast. I ask myself whether he is saying all these lovely things because he thinks that is what I “WANT” to hear. A part of me thinks of something a friend once told me.. anything that burns that fast… burns out just as fast. I’ve spoken to a male friend of mine who thinks this Marine is all about the chase and appearances. He is simply attracted to me because he sees me as a trophy who is hard to get and wants others to envy him being seen with me. .. and then to get me into bed.
Bottom line - I’d like to prevent and avoid being what you refer to as being “pumped and dumped”.
Although I’ve dated lawyers before, I haven’t dated a military man before nor do I know any other people who are in the military. I’m not sure whether to trust the situation that I’m in or to trust him. Trust takes time to develop.
I don’t want to get hurt and don’t want to waste my time with someone who isn’t being genuine. If he is sincerely interested in a long term relationship and getting married, why isn’t he already taken? Afterall, he is attractive, athletic, finacially well off, educated, smart, funny occasionally charismatic, etc…. Surely he must have already met many women who would make good life partners. Does he sound too good to be true? What are the signs of a player?
Kathryn, all of your advice and perspectives are always appreciated.
DCB, I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of months and know you can be brutal sometimes with some of the things you say. Would it be possible to answer my post the way you would if you had a younger sister in this predicament? I’d appreciate that. Thanks in advance and sorry for being so long winded.
DCB says,
Congratulations, you are the biggest control freak that has ever written in. Why don’t you just ask him to write something like a business plan that attempts to cover every possible outcome that could result in this relationship?
You think you have done a great job with your life, crossing every ‘t’ and dotting every ‘i’, building wealth in a career that brings professional success, but you meet one interesting man and you completely take something natural and turn it into this cold, rigid… thing. Don’t you see how years of neglecting your social skills is turning you into a cripple when you meet a decent person? He is taking you out, giving you affection, and all you can think about is whether he fits in your 5-year plan. Honestly, you don’t deserve this guy. I have no doubt you are already looking at his faults to see if you can easily change them.
So maybe he is just saying he loves you to get you in bed. Why is that so bad? Are you not having a great time? You know, it’s okay these days to have sex with members of the opposite sex before marriage. It’s only after sex that you can figure out if a guy is bullshitting or not. Yes, that means penetration.
Kathryn says,
First, let me applaud you for one of the best-written, most coherent questions yet. Kudos.
Now, on to this guy. I think I’m going to make all male readers groan when I borrow a phrase from Sex & the City: I think your JAG’s light is on.
All men have in their minds what their version of “success” or “maturity” is. It might be reaching a certain age, having a certain title at work, having a certain dollar amount in the bank, owning a home, or almost any other sign of adulthood. Once they achieve that goal (conscious or not), within about two years they start looking for a mate. Think of men as taxis that are occupied and unavailable to pick up passengers most of their lives. Then, when they’re ready, their “available” light goes on, and they tend to marry the next worthy woman they date.
So again, I think your JAG’s light is on. He’s travelled the world, achieved success in his career, and reached an age where most men have at least started to think about settling down. He met you at a wedding, meaning you come with friend-of-friend type recommendations and connections, and he’s treated you like a princess with great success so far. He probably is wondering about the future, and whether you fit in it.
That said, I think three dates with minimal physical contact is not a good basis for him to throw the L word at you, especially if you are unsure and not feeling the same way. Don’t say it back unless you mean it, and don’t let the physical side of the relationship progress any faster than you feel comfortable with. If he’s truly interested in you in the super-long-term, he won’t mind, as he’ll feel he has all the time in the world.
I do hope it works out for you. Please let us know how it goes.
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