First Date DC

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July 31, 2006

Changing the rules

Ron writes,

I have a partner of 1 and half years. In the begining he promised monogamy. Now he is saying he wants an open relationship. Is this fair for him to change the rules in the middle of the game?

Circle V says,

No, it is not fair and really sucks. Basically, what you’ve been hit with is the half-assed break up. Saying you want to switch to an open relationship means that while the other person might love you, think a lot of you and want you in his or her life, all of those things aren’t enough to keep that dog on the porch. It is possible (though very rare) to have a healthy open relationship, but that’s if both partners are willing. This does not appear to be the case.

So tell your boyfriend that your vision of your life partner does not include him being allowed to give some underage hottie a B.J. at Cobalt so peace out. And, think of it this way, at least he isn’t lying about the fact that he will be cheating on you soon, and you can get out now while the getting is good. Because it’s less about the issue of an “open relationship” and more about whether the two of you really want the same thing in the relationship. The fact is if it’s open or not, you are not looking for the same things and opening it up or forcing it shut will just end in tears, ill-will and potentially losing your security deposit.

And, now, I’m going to leave the final thought to my friend Steve:

“Open relationships inevitably will not work. Now, as a gay man myself, from time to time (and sometimes times in between these times) I think I would love to have an open relationship. It’s convenient, you have your cake and eat it, too, and it seems to be the way to micromanage a life of random sexual encounters with the stability of your Saturday night date and Sunday NYT Crossword puzzle buddy (or inTouch gossip sharing). But this thinking leaves out one important factor: emotions. Unfortunately, we are human my friend, even when we are knee deep in urine getting a quickie in a dark hole somewhere in Dupont. And don’t let this guy convince you otherwise.”

Kathryn says,

This isn’t changing the rules of your relationship. This is ending your relationship, and scoping for fresh meat while he still sleeps with you on the regular.

I would be grateful he gave you this warning. Take the opportunity to determine exactly what you want. Do you need a monogamous relationship, or are you okay with him sleeping with other guys as long as you still get to have him sometimes? Whatever it is you truly need, ask for it and accept nothing less.

Good luck.

July 28, 2006

Nearly gay notch

KL writes,

I’m 27, a woman, and pretty dedicated to being single. It takes a lot for me to want to be in a relationship with someone. But I date, and do the friends w/benes thing, and it’s all good.

So I’ve been loose friends/good acquaintances with this guy B for about a year. I occasionally hang out with his friends, and made out with one of them about 6 months ago pretty casually.

A few months ago B started expressing interest. To put it bluntly, he’s got no game. But it was endearing that he was trying.

We went out a couple times where he didn’t make a move and I didn’t make a move, and I got fed up and quit going out with him. About a month later, after a fairly embarassing moment when he basically asked me out over chat (we were making plans and he turned them into a Date, in his words), we went out and had a good time and ended up back at my apartment. We have chemistry, things were good, but a little slow-paced. Which I chalked up to him being shy.

To be clear, I like him, but not for anything more than a friends with benes situation. I thought he knew this, but looks like I was wrong

So I hadn’t talked with him since the Date (total time span = 1 week) until he emailed to confirm my attendance at his birthday party.

Last night was the birthday party. I stayed over, we were making out, and he basically stopped things very, very early on. Like we were both still fully clothed. Which really surprised me, because things were going very well up to that point, we’ve known each other for a fair amount of time, and it was pretty much the 3rd or 4th date depending on how you count it.

This is what floored me. B said “I don’t think we should go any further.” I said “What are you concerned about?” or something to that effect. He said “I think that you’re more into me than I am into you.”

WTF???

a)who says that, ever?
b)is he blind deaf and stupid?

My working hypothesis: because I’m more aggressive than he is in bed, he thinks I’m more into him. 2nd hypothesis: because he’s been pursuing me (poorly) for the last few months, it surprised him that I was into “benefits.”

I’m about ready to quit seeing him altogether because what’s the point of a friend with benefits if the benefits aren’t there. But I’d be happier if I could just get him up to speed on the physical part without him thinking it means I want to marry him.

Thoughts?

DCB says,

Wow what a lame douche. Sounds like you have given him every green light in the book and he hasn’t stepped up like a man. There is no advice in the world that I can give that would improve this situation, unless that advice includes something about picking men who actually want to have sex with women. Either he is gay or you intimidate him with manly qualities.

Kathryn says,

Even if he isn’t gay, he might as well be. He lacks confidence, misinterprets your signals, doesn’t satisfy you physically, and can’t get his act together to hang out even on a casual, no-strings-attached basis. Time to throw this small fish back in the sea. I guarantee there are plenty of men out there who’d love to enjoy the benefits of your friendship. It should take you all of a weekend to find one.

July 27, 2006

Trollin’ for CL tail

Today’s contributor is the lovely Velvet in Dupont, who has cornered the DC market on online dating experience.

Intrigued/Desperate writes,

Any thoughts on finding casual sex partners on Craigslist? At first I thought it was more than a little pathetic, but now I’m thinking why turn down an easy (albeit likely less attractive) notch?

Velvet says,

You didn’t mention if you were male or female. When it comes to Craigslist, the playing field and the advice differ greatly between the sexes. Women have the “upper hand” on Craigslist, as they are significantly outnumbered by the men. A woman who places an ad will have nearly 100 responses. A man who places an ad will most likely not hear from any women. Case in point: For this question, I placed both a M4W ad and a W4M ad in the “Casual Encounters” section. Within 5 hours, I had 56 men responding to the woman’s ad. Zero women responded to the man’s ad. It’s safe to say if you are a male, don’t bother placing an ad.

There are really two parts to this issue: Setting yourself apart from the competition and finding an attractive playmate. Regarding the competition, I’m well versed after my inbox filled up with so many responses. Don’t be careless because you think you are only going for a “notch.” Pay attention to spelling and grammar. Don’t send only dick-pics. A little respect goes a long way. A woman, even if only looking for the casual encounter, will appreciate a few kind words over a directive to look at a dick-pic with a phone number attached.

As far as finding an attractive playmate, you are going to have to work hard to get multiple pictures after initial email contact without sounding offensive. Be honest in stating that you have a particular type. If you want slender, say so. If you want short blonde hair, say that too. No sense in wasting anyone’s time.

Finally, some general advice: Be careful. The internet is a scary place. Years ago you could hop online and find some dates with no problem. Now, there are many fake profiles and people impersonating others. I highly recommend meeting at a neutral place in public, even for 10 minutes, to verify that the person does exist and is who they have represented. Never tell anyone where you live. From viewing my responses to the test ad, a lot of men are prepared to meet the woman at a hotel. Make sure someone knows where you are and has any information you have on the person you are going to meet. You just can’t be too safe these days. And obviously, use protection.

Kathryn says,

Yes, it would have helped if we knew whether you were a M4W (most difficult option), W4M (easiest), M4M (second easiest…maybe a tie) or W4W (neutral). But you sound like a remedial DCB reader, so I’ll assume you’re a man looking for a woman as well.

In that case, yeah, I’d forgo the ad in favor of responding to women’s ads you see. I’d spend a little extra time on the emails, and make sure I had a couple of decent clothed photos - preferably one face, one full body. Be honest in your self-description and in your desires, and be very direct in expressing them.

And further, I wouldn’t limit myself to Craig’s List. There are casual encounter sections in pretty much every personals service, including AOL, The City Paper, and more.

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July 26, 2006

Those crazy Italians

Today Mister Jinxy serves up a little advice, with a nice side order of old and crotchety.

ETV writes,

Ok FDDC, I went out on a first date with this girl I met online. I had a great time, I find her extremely attractive and I would really like to see her again and possibly explore something romantic with her. In other words, I’m trying to avoid the LJBF conversation. Not that that’s been a big problem for me, I’ve always done well with the ladies. But I sense something special about this girl, something I haven’t felt in a long time. After our date, I received the following email from her a day later (in it’s entirey, minus names):

“You rock– I really had such a blast last night! I haven’t danced in ages–guys NEVER want to, I have a newfound obsession with [name of venue removed]..or maybe its just the DJ. Anywho–thanks so much–hope to hang out again! Poor ZaZa left in disgrace today. There were lines at the WHole foods bcs every single Italian in Glover Park was out buying Proscuitto, was very bizarre….”

It’s clearly very upbeat and positive. What I’m trying to discern is whether or not there’s any indication of physical or romantic interest on her part (does she find me attractive or not?). Any insight you can offer is greatly appreciated as well as any advice on how to avoid the LJBF conversation and escalate the relationship romantically.

Thanks!
ETV
p.s. please don’t publish my email address.

Jinxy says,

Dating advice? Why on Earth would anyone ask me about that? I haven’t been on a date with anyone other than Mrs. Jinxy since 1955. That was back when kids had standards and morals. Shoot. We’d never even heard of what a “playa” was. We were too busy practicing duck &
cover drills in the parking lot of Al’s Diner and trying to get to second base under Mary Jo Karaznick’s Sears & Roebuck panty-girdle.

But since you asked, young feller, I’ll try to oblige you. Here’s my read on the e-mail:

Your key concern is how you can avoid the LJBF with this girl, but I’m afraid it’s probably already too late. Based solely on what you’ve told us about how you met her and from reading between the lines of her e-mail, it appears to me that this girl does not consider you to be a possible breeding partner for her. To her you’re just one of a long list of “fun guys” she has lined up whom she can hang out with until a more attractive candidate comes along. She begins her e-mail by stroking your ego a bit and giving you what on its face seems like a fairly innocuous compliment. But what is she really saying by telling you that you “rock”? Is she saying you’re the kind of guy who knows how to do The Funky Chicken and The Robot really well, or that you’re the kind of guy she wants to rip her clothes off and stick his Ding-A-Ling in her Holiest Of Holies?

From what I can see, you don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows in this nascent relationship. Then, in a six sentence e-mail, she’s already talking about other men, including making a reference to her obsession with some Eurotrash hipster record spinner. Finally, and most tellingly, she brings the hammer down and crushes your nuts by telling you that she hopes to “hang out” with you again. Despite the false exclamation point tacked on to the end of her sentence like a hangman’s scaffold, a girl wishing to pursue something romantic with you would certainly not have thrown such an amorphous and tepid declaration of intentions. A more promising statement would have been something along the lines of, “I really had a great time and would like to see you again.” Or better yet, “Could you stop by the 7-11 and pick up a twelve pack of extra-strength Magnum condoms on your way over here tonight”. Yeah, I think that last one would have put some pep in my step and given me cause for hope. But “hope to hang out again”? Nope, sorry. She just wants to be friends.

Anyway, I feel bad about the bleak assessment and wish I had better news to offer. But then again, you probably shouldn’t listen to me. I’m just some old emasculated and clueless crank toiling away my days in suburbia. You should probably get a second opinion from someone who knows what the Hell they’re talking about. Or ask a tarot card reader.

Jinxy

Kathryn says,

Although I may not know what the Hell I’m talking about, I do have a second, different opinion.

I think she is interested. She took the initiative to email you the very next day, which included both praise of the night you spent together and a request to see you again. Her terminology was unsophisticated, but I get the impression she’s young and not the brightest star in the sky. But you liked that, so no worries.

One concern: did you treat her and all her friends to a night out? You paying covers, buying drinks, driving them around, and getting no ass while they shook theirs on the dance floor? If so, of course she wants to hang out again, but expect more of the same.

Either way, she wants to be in your presence again. Work it.

July 25, 2006

Ferry game

noGame writes,

Hi there guys. Old friend of K’s from a far away island here :)

my question is more for DCB:

Recently saw this gorgeous girl buying tickets for a ferry with her larger, much less attractive, but VERY talkative friend who struck up a convo with me. Spent the whole ferry ride talking to them..or more accurately: listening to the larger girl chat away while there was a clear connection b/w myself and the hotter one who tried in vain to get some words in edgewise. Anyway circumstances went wrong after the ferry ride and we did not get to meet up again. What is the proper “game” or move to use in such a situation ie. I wanna get to know the hot girl but the not-so-hot is totally grabbing for attention and basically cock-blocking for no good reason (they were not close friends). Is this situation only solved by having a wingman or can a guy get something working in a short period of time? is it possible?

thanks

update received a few days later…

i found the larger, less attractive girl’s email and we’ve been corresponding. she says she’s “working on” getting the other girl’s email..but in the meantime she’s started to ratchet things up by complimenting me etc. I’ve hinted in almost every email to her that I’m looking for the other girls details, so how can i make this work if it’s going to basically be me rejecting her advances?

i know you guys are backed up but i think this is important as it allows for some definitive advice one can act on rather than the other question which was more “academic.”

DCB says,

This is a tough situation because going straight for the hottie might open you up to a vicious cockblock by the beast. What you have to do is send a hint to the hot girl that you are going for her.

Here’s how you do it:

1. Build rapport with both of them. After 15 minutes or so, look at the hot one and say something like, “For some reason you remind me of my ex-girlfriend.” Right away both girls should know what is going on.

2. Talk for a few more minutes to let the statement sink in. Then excuse yourself to use the bathroom, get a napkin, jerk off, whatever. You need to give them some alone time to talk things over. Hopefully the hot girl tells the beast to stand down.

3. Come back and feel it out. If the hot girl likes you, she will do more talking and the beast will sit on the sidelines. If nothing has changed, then there isn’t much you can do.

4. Close. If the hot girl is feeling you, you need to do the close with the beast present. Get digits or suggest meeting later the same evening.

The current situation is already fucked. You will never get the hot girl’s email. I bet you the beast hasn’t even told her that you want the email. Just learn for next time, because it will happen again.

Kathryn says,

DCB’s advice is what was wanted and needed here. I’ll just say:

Hi, N!!!!!!!!!!!

July 24, 2006

Whats the deal?

Today’s guest poster is Circle V, a smart lady who should really patent her special brand of tough love…

New to DC and the Real World writes,

I just recently relocated to D.C. after graduating from college a little over a month ago. Since being in the city I have reconnected with an old college guy friend who was also my hookup buddy last summer (non-committal due to my college status and future return back to where I came from for another year of school). We also talked and stayed in touch throughout the year- seeing each other once- talking about trying a long distance relationship but I nixed that on account of it being my last semester of school and if we couldn’t do it in person why should we try via 1000 miles?

So, I’m back in D.C. and he’s slow to contact me. He finally calls one Saturday afternoon and we realize we’re both headed to Dupont that night. Both of our circles of friends become more hammered than we and we decide to meet up. I’m a little tipsier than he is and as a result, he tells me how we have to talk and he didn’t want to meet up like this. We still share a few kisses. Then that Sunday we decide to watch a movie at his place. Very platonic- just sit there and watch it almost awkwardly. Fast forward a week and I find out that my building loses power and I work a block from his apt and it’s 1130pm. He says I can come over and we have a great night of tv and then hooking up.

Two days later we have an amazing time at a concert and I spend the night again….note: nothing has been discussed. He sucks at calling/doesn’t care. We have a long history and I know he cares about me so what’s the deal? He works really late hours and has a busy post-work schedule…it’s no excuse and I realize this- is it worth caring for a second longer? if not, how does a girl move on? I hooked up with a friend’s friend (accidentally) who I had been emailing witty, sarcastic bits to for two days but now I just feel like I’m hooking up with guys which is a horrible feeling. I’m looking for something more. What’s a recent grad to do?!

V says,

First, let me welcome you to the wonderful world of young adulthood. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at your new freedoms and experiences. That said, I’ll start with what you want to hear: It is possible that he’s just busy, is really into you and is doing the best he can with what little time he has (make a note, there are guys like this in DC). But, my money is on that he’s got a girlfriend, and while he thought he’d be cool and tell you at first, he has now decided to see how long he can ride this fun train consequence-free. I think you probably know this deep down, hence the question.

And, while I could go on and tell you how to play this so you can still have fun and not end up acting like a jealous ex, I’m going to opt for advice that is more to your question: “What’s a recent grad to do?!”

First, I need you to a take deep breath and start repeating over and over: “I am not in college; I no longer have to act like I am.”

That’s right, baby, you are on the path to becoming a mature, confident, and successful woman! Consider that “just hooking up with guys” is not something to feel “horrible” about (especially, if you’ve been flirting, having fun with said hook-upper via e-mail). You are now in the magical land of adult. Where smart, attractive women can feel confident enough in their decisions to hook up with whomever they so choose and no longer have to worry about some frat boy calling them a ho.

As you are enjoying these new freedoms, I would also suggest that you consider that “something more” you said you wanted out of these young men you are seeing as I am 99 percent sure you have no idea what that would be. Fortunately, this is perfectly normal at your age, and you now have free reign to date and hook up with whomever you choose. These experiences will lead to insight about yourself and what you want out of a relationship. Good luck!

Kathryn says,

I don’t think he necessarily has a girlfriend, but I do think he’s not interested in anything more than a casual hook-up here and there. He seems to talk about wanting to talk about dating, and putting that off, and never actually telling you he wants to date you or asking you for anything more than meet-ups and house calls. I’d stop if it’s making you feel badly.

And if hooking up with multiple guys without any more to it is making you feel badly (and not just because you’re worried about your rep), why not stop? I have a friend who refuses to purchase any single article of clothing - t-shirts, socks, you name it - unless she “loves” it. Apply the same thing to guys - are you excited about him? Think it would be more than just a hook-up, which is what you say you want? Then go for it!

July 21, 2006

Seriously, when do I bang?

Today’s guest poster is The Home Improvement Ninja, whose quirky long-windedness often blows us away…

Anonymous writes,

I hope you can help me with something I have been wondering about lately: Do most guys in their late 20s and early 30s consider a girl to have less girlfriend or long-term relationship potential if she hooks up with them on the first date?

I know there is a lot of variation among guys - many guys don’t want something that can be had too easily - but many guys don’t like a girl to make them wait too long either. And I sometimes hear about successful couples who started out as hook-ups.

I’m ideally looking for a long-term, exclusive relationship (I am 29) but honestly I’m also really horny lately and getting more male attention than previously since I have lost some weight and improved my overall appearance. I do have much to offer other than my looks of course, and many guys say they find me sweet, smart, fun, and interesting to talk to. I also like the advantage of seeing how a guy is in bed before becoming exclusive with him and finding out that he is terrible in the sack.

So are there some basic guidelines I can follow to increase my chances of turning a hook-up that I enjoyed into something more? I know a lot of people give vague advice like “don’t try to rush the relationship” and “don’t pressure the guy into a relationship” but how can you not rush the relationship after you’ve already hooked up? Is wanting the guy to call more than once or twice a
week expecting too much? How can I slow down my rate of emotional attachment to someone I’m seeing and with whome I’m physical early on?

Yes, I am kind of clueless about this, but is it possible to have fun and enjoy my sexuality while getting to know someone but not waste time going down a dead-end road with, possibly getting hurt, and giving myself a reputation for being a slut?

Home Improvement Ninja says,

Well, in typical lawyer fashion I will say that the answer to your question is “it depends”. First, if you’re the girl I met in the Salsa club last week, then yes, it’s okay to sleep with someone right away. Bring your sorority sister too, I won’t mind. If you’re not her, then read on.

You seem to be conflicted about being in a relationship with someone and being able to sleep with them right away. One doesn’t preclude the other. If you sleep with everyone on the first date because you are horny or lonely then, yes, people will think you are slutty. Why you would care what other people think is beyond me, but there it is. But if you are really looking for a relationship and you feel some sort of connection with the other person, then I don’t see anything wrong with sleeping with them. If you sleep with them just because you just reaaaaally need to get your rocks off or are desperate to get them to like you enough to call you back, then they will pick up on that and probably not call you back.

I may be reading too much into this, but I noticed you mentioned that you had lost weight recently. If I had to guess, I think that even though you are getting more attention lately, you still have those big-girl self esteem issues and aren’t comfortable enough in your new looks yet to think that people would want you for something other than a one-night stand. Your “How can I slow down my rate of emotional attachment to someone I’m seeing and with whom I’m physical early on” statement makes me think that you had problems in the past with sleeping with someone, getting attached, and then being hurt when you found out that they didn’t want anything other than sex. Maybe your previous low self esteem made you attractive to the type of losers who prey on insecure women so they can brag to their repressed-homosexual frat buddies about the notches on their belt and prove that they are real men. Let’s face it, those Sigma Alpha Epsilon rush meetings are like a deleted scene from the Brokeback Mountain director’s cut. Jus’ sayin.

I think if the guy likes you, then he will be happy that you are forming some kind of emotional attachment and are calling him up to talk to him. Guys don’t like it when girls that we are not really into call too much. But we dig it if it’s someone we like. So don’t go into it with some kind of roadmap about you are supposed to respond after the fist date versus the Xth date. Just treat it as what it is: you having fun and getting to know the other person.

Now about your horniness: I am guessing that you are really horny lately (after the weight loss) because prior to your new body, you didn’t see yourself as sexy, so you didn’t feel sexual. Now you look better so you feel more like a sexual person and those feelings are taking some getting used to. A practical suggestion for handling your horniness: get a vibrator. Kathryn can probably help you out here more than I can. But my guess is that since we now have plasma TVs and micro chips, that vibrator technology has advanced lately too. Maybe they have solar powered ones with titanium shells (shafts?) and plutonium isotope batteries. I don’t know. But that should take the edge off. If you’ve seen Something About Mary, you’ll know that guys do some, errrrr “preventive maintenance” before a big date so that we don’t end up humping the girl’s leg at a restaurant. Jus’ sayin’.

Kathryn says,

Um, I can NOT help with the vibrator question. (But I do think it’s a good idea.)

This really is the age-old dilemma, isn’t it? Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, with a big old helping of the male/female double standard on the side.

Here’s my question to you: why do you have to have actual sexual intercourse with everyone? Can’t you tell whether a guy would be good in bed through kissing, touching, and those bases that come before home? There’s so much to do between first kiss and first time having sex. You can enjoy it all at your leisure as you get to know the person, and decide whether or not you’d be interested in them (and whether they’re interested in more than just sex with you).

That said, yes, most guys are going to wonder about you if you sleep with them right away. Though they wouldn’t turn you down, they would wonder how many other guys you’ve jumped into bed with so quickly. Even if it’s true, they generally don’t believe it when women say “I never do this.” So if you are moved to give into your passion one night, do so understanding you may never hear from the guy again. Be sure you still want to do it, even if that’s the last you hear of him. If you see him again, well, it’s a nice surprise and a hot start to a hot fling or maybe even relationship.

July 20, 2006

Be my Sally

Today, fittingly, DCB’s own Sally fills his dating-advice-giving shoes…

Anonymous writes,

I’ve been friends with a woman for a while. She’s 27…I’m 29 - have known each other for three years. Basically, I asked her out on a date a couple of years ago and she kind of freaked. Clearly, not attracted to me at the time and instead of just saying that, went to the whole we’re friends, you shouldn’t be doing this routine - one of her college friends had introduced us shortly prior to my flub. Point taken. But, at the time, seemed like timing might be right on my side (had just broken up with a long-term girlfriend).

After an initial short period of awkwardness, in the meantime, I’ve actually developed an overwhelming genuine friendship with her. She’s the best. I’ve even set her up with great friends of mine that I thought she might like to date, given my understanding that she’s not into me. I’ve dated other women and even gotten back together with my ex for a short time. She’s confided in
me that she’s kind of sick of the same old boring DC guys and that she’s looking for someone who’s fun and spontaneous.

We get along so well, and sometimes I feel like things could really work out. I genuinely have strong feelings of friendship for her but also want to make out. Recently, I kind of feel like she might be interested (sometimes there is ambiguous touching). Generally, I think she expresses interest whenever I have some other game going on or show interest in someone she knows.

What’s the deal? I would really like to take another chance on her if I could figure out whether she’s just looking to keep the attention or whether she’s thinking her conservative ass shouldn’t be the one to make a move. Regardless of the fact that she shot me down!

Any clues I should be honing in on? Or should I just keep going out on dates with new girls (certainly not opposed)? If she’s worth another shot, how do you approach this?

DCB, your advice is gold. But, Kathryn, I’m more interested in your take on this one.

Sally says,

The reason this girl flipped out is because she wants the two of you to remain in the friends zone. She knew you wanted her, but she didn’t want to admit it to herself and she was hoping that you’d eventually just give up on the idea. She’s not romantically interested in you and no amount of time, “friendship” (isn’t your friendship predicated on a lie, since you will always be interested in more?), or persuasion is going to change that.

If anything is going to happen, it’ll be at her initiation. If you really want to push the issue, be prepared for her to freak again and for things to get incredibly awkward and she might even phase you out. I guess your pitch could go over well, but the odds aren’t on your side.

On the other hand, there’s a time-honored way to get your answer quick: take her out and get stone-cold drunk together, try to make out with her, and see how she reacts.

P.S. if she wanted you, you wouldn’t need any “clues” since it’s likely she knows you are still interested.

Kathryn says,

Incredibly, I may have an even more pessimistic view of this situation than Sally.

I think you’re her Emergency Dick. She loves knowing that you’ll always be around for her, wanting her (believe me, she’s aware of your desire to make out with her), and she craves that security. But she will probably never act on it, nor will she respond positively if you make a move.

The only clue you need is the one you noticed yourself - you only see interest from her when you are interested in someone else. She clearly doesn’t want you, but she doesn’t want anyone else to have you, either. I strongly believe she just wants the attention, and strongly encourage you to keep going out with other girls.

It may be that, someday, you and your Sally can get it together, Harry. But the only way that could ever happen is if you completely cut off the longing and affection, and focus on finding someone else without hoping that she comes to her senses and comes after you. I hope she does, and you guys are happy, but I hope more strongly that you find someone who really wants all the love and attention you can provide… and wants to reciprocate.

July 19, 2006

Once a ho…

Today we have the lovely commenter etcetera pitching in with a little advice… This guy clearly needed a one-two female punch. I mean, wait a minute…

Will writes,

Ok. Here is the situation. Me and this girl have been on\off again for almost three years now. About a year ago, I found out that she was seeing two guys at the same time(me being one of them and guy #2) She literally had two boyfriends at the same time. After 3 weeks or so, I eventually forgave her after she told me that I was the one she really loved, and we got back together.

This lasted for about 4 months, and then we decided to break up due to each others careers. It was a mutual decision. I had to leave the area, while she stayed. Guy #2 from 4 months previous was still in the area and she told me they saw each other casually during the time I was away, but never were committed.

Finally about 5 months ago, I came back to the area, and eventually me and her got back together and were fully committed around March. This were going well. Guy #2 was no longer living in the city and things seemed to be going great. She said she was over him and she loved me. Then the bombshell…He moved back to the city a few weeks ago and last week I went over to her apartment to surprise her, and walked in on her having sex with him. Needless to say I almost threw up, but wound up just leaving the scene.

Now she says it was ‘another mistake’ and she really loves me…What the hell is going on here and what should I do???

etcetera says,

you have two questions -
1. what is going on here? and
2. what do i do?

since you seem to have a tough time internalizing messages, let me be very clear-
answer to question 1. SHE IS CHEATING ON YOU. REPEATEDLY. WITH NO SIGN OF EVER STOPPING.
answer to question 2. GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP. FOR GOOD. (have a backbone surgically implanted, if necessary.)

ok, just to give you a little more bang for your buck and make my reply slightly more meaty, let me concede that it is far easier to criticize a relationship from the outside. and on a similar note, far easier to advise someone to leave a relationship, etc. but the benefit of the third party (in this case, moi) is that he/she can also have a bit more clarity. so please, believe me when i tell you, this girl will not stop cheating. you will never have a healthy relationship with her. this situation is past the point of saving (if there ever was a point.) i recommend cutting yourself off completely. and looking in to spinal implant surgery.

hugs and kisses, etcetera

Kathryn says,

Wow, etcetera hits hard, doesn’t she?

Here’s my soft(er) approach: I know through excruciating first-hand and very close second-hand experience that it’s VERY tempting and easy to go back to a lover who cheated on you. It’s one of those situations where, when you’re deep in it, it seems easier to stick with the known evil than to venture out on your own and face the unknown. I also learned the hard way that when someone cheats on you, the relationship is irreparable. Even if the person doesn’t cheat again for a long time, there is a constant tension, and a near cat-and-mouse type dynamic where you’re constantly (if not consciously) checking up on the other person all the time. It’s not healthy or tenable.

For you, specifically, you already took her back once, and she did it again. Do you really want to let her get to three strikes? She has some kind of problem you’re better off not trying to understand or solve, not after she’s treated you with so little respect. She also seems to use love as a way to win you back. Please take some time away from her - no contact at all - and reflect on that relationship. Was it really love? Would you want to spend your life - or even the next few months - with someone who cares so little for you and whom you can not trust?

I hope the answer is no.

July 18, 2006

Love triangle

While DCB takes a short “my time is my own” break from blogging, FDDC will feature guest writers. Today, RCR weighs in.

Strong Morals writes,

There are two guys — let’s call them Guy 1 and Guy 2 (yes, I am that creative). I met Guy 1 about 6 months ago through a mutual friend. One thing led to another and we ended up having a sexual relationship for several months. Neither one of us wanted a real relationship with the other for a variety of reasons, so it was the perfect situation for me (I was just coming off of a break up). The last time we were together was in Feburary.

In March, I started seeing Guy 2. We’ve known each other for quite some time, although not well. We’ve been seeing each other intermittently since March (not as often as I’d like), but we haven’t slept together yet. I’ve asked him about this, and he says he’s not ready for the seriousness of a sexual relationship. We’ve spent a couple nights together, and I’ve thought about just attacking him but I’ve decided against it. I don’t know if there’s some other problem there. I know he was raised quite Catholic, but even so.

Meanwhile, Guy 1 came back on the scene a few weeks ago and he’s made it quite clear that he’d like to pick up where we left off. We’re in touch fairly frequently, but our schedules have not clicked yet. I’m a one man kind of woman, so if I was sleeping with Guy 2 I would not even entertain the idea of sleeping with Guy 1 again. However, I am becoming very frustrated by Guy 2’s refusal to sleep with me, so I am seriously thinking about it.

You’re probably wondering what the problem is. Well, Guy 1 and Guy 2 know each other — have known each other for 15 years. And Guy 2 was Guy 1’s boss for many years, and is going to become his boss again in the near future. I am fairly certain that they do not know about each other with respect to me. Guy 1 would not care about my relationship with Guy 2, might even find it amusing. Guy 2 would probably flip out even to know that I had a previous relationship with Guy 1, much less a current one (he has shown some signs of jealousy and possesiveness with me). I really like Guy 2 and would hope that this could really become something, although maybe it won’t. So would sleeping with Guy 1 be a huge mistake? Or do I bascially get to do what I want since I’m not getting any from Guy 2?

RCR says,

Ethically speaking, I think your infrequent dating and lack of sexual relationship preclude any kind of implied exclusivity with Guy 2 . So unless you’ve had the DTR talk, and it sounds like you haven’t, you could sleep with Guy 1 not violate any relationship rules. Pragmatically speaking, however, that’s not going to matter to Guy 2 if he finds out. The fact that he’s possessive or jealous and you’re not even sleeping together has drama written all over it. In making your decision, you’ll need to weigh the importance of the relationship with Guy 2 and the risk of him finding out about you and Guy 1.

More importantly, though, I think you should address the problems with Guy 2. Find out why it’s not moving forward - it sounds like he may have some issues. It’s okay to say “Hey, we need to talk about this whole not screwing thing.” I’m sure he’d rather talk about your discontent than find out you’ve been banging other guys. And if he doesn’t, dump him and kick it with Guy 1. Avoid the drama. At least you’ll be getting laid.

Kathryn says,

I’m having trouble figuring out what you want, exactly, and from whom you want it (as in, you show no preference for Guy 1 or 2). Are you just looking for the guy who’ll give you the sex on the regular? Or are you looking for a relationship that includes more than just sex? And with which one of these guys? You say that you’d be interested in more with both of them. Hard to tell. That said…

Would you feel comfortable asking Guy 1 if starting up again means he’s interested in more than a strictly physical relationship? You guys have enough history that I think it’s a fair question. You can even tell him you’ve been dating someone else, but enjoyed the time you spent with him, and would consider seeing him again if it’s for something more than a hook-up. If he isn’t interested in more, you know up front and won’t waste any more time on him.

As for Guy 2, I’m glad you’ve asked him about his choice not to have sex with you, at least not yet, but how much did you guys really talk about it? If you continue to stay over, and he continues not to want to have sex when you are ready and willing and clearly showing him that’s the case, then you have every right to continue that conversation. Ask him why he’s waiting, if uncertainty about where you guys are heading has anything to do with it, etc. See what he says. Tell him someone else asked you out, and you’re considering going, but wanted to talk to him about where things are going with you.

The bottom line in all of this: decide what you want and from whom you want it, then TALK to these guys. It’s the only way you’ll get the answer to this question.

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