Changing the rules
Ron writes,
I have a partner of 1 and half years. In the begining he promised monogamy. Now he is saying he wants an open relationship. Is this fair for him to change the rules in the middle of the game?
Circle V says,
No, it is not fair and really sucks. Basically, what you’ve been hit with is the half-assed break up. Saying you want to switch to an open relationship means that while the other person might love you, think a lot of you and want you in his or her life, all of those things aren’t enough to keep that dog on the porch. It is possible (though very rare) to have a healthy open relationship, but that’s if both partners are willing. This does not appear to be the case.
So tell your boyfriend that your vision of your life partner does not include him being allowed to give some underage hottie a B.J. at Cobalt so peace out. And, think of it this way, at least he isn’t lying about the fact that he will be cheating on you soon, and you can get out now while the getting is good. Because it’s less about the issue of an “open relationship” and more about whether the two of you really want the same thing in the relationship. The fact is if it’s open or not, you are not looking for the same things and opening it up or forcing it shut will just end in tears, ill-will and potentially losing your security deposit.
And, now, I’m going to leave the final thought to my friend Steve:
“Open relationships inevitably will not work. Now, as a gay man myself, from time to time (and sometimes times in between these times) I think I would love to have an open relationship. It’s convenient, you have your cake and eat it, too, and it seems to be the way to micromanage a life of random sexual encounters with the stability of your Saturday night date and Sunday NYT Crossword puzzle buddy (or inTouch gossip sharing). But this thinking leaves out one important factor: emotions. Unfortunately, we are human my friend, even when we are knee deep in urine getting a quickie in a dark hole somewhere in Dupont. And don’t let this guy convince you otherwise.”
Kathryn says,
This isn’t changing the rules of your relationship. This is ending your relationship, and scoping for fresh meat while he still sleeps with you on the regular.
I would be grateful he gave you this warning. Take the opportunity to determine exactly what you want. Do you need a monogamous relationship, or are you okay with him sleeping with other guys as long as you still get to have him sometimes? Whatever it is you truly need, ask for it and accept nothing less.
Good luck.
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