Finding reasons not to bang
Confused writes,
I would really love a strong male perspective on this.
About two years ago, I met this guy at a house party (to avoid confusion, IŽll call him Adam). Smart, successful, cutest guy in the room…anyway, our eyes locked, we started talking, and we really hit it off. But naturally, to my disappointment, he had a girlfriend. Basically, instead of thinking “What a waste of time,” I decided to be positive about it and we ended up becoming friends.
What really cemented the friendship was the fact that his friend developed a crush on me that same night. But the friend went about the crush all wrong–basically started phoning my other friends to find out where I was and showing up unexpectedly–and he ultimately came on too strong and creeped me out. So it became a big joke between me and Adam.
Well, as it turns out, I ended up working with Adam’s girlfriend, and he and I began to see a lot of each other, but just as friends. I was dating around, and he was fun to talk to from time to time. He would actually set it up so that we could be alone and just watch funny movies and joke around, and I never felt weird around him…until one night, when he confessed his feelings for me, and we hooked up (everything short of sex).
Now, I thought, at the time, that he and his gf had already broken up. WRONG! They had been moving in that direction for some time, and sure enough, a couple weeks after our secret hook-up they ended things for good (she still doesn’t know what happened between us, to my knowledge). I still feel really bad about that, because I didnŽt know they were still together, but I guess that’s water under the bridge now.
Adam now lives in a different city because of his job, and we’ve been apart for a year because IŽm traveling. He really wants me to visit him when I get back (he said for a few weeks, or a month if I can). Basically, he wants to finish what we started. But I don’t want to waste time and money just to become some sort of long-distance booty call. And my cynical side just wonders if, since we did everything short of sex, that it made me a more appealing notch. But he’s been my friend for a couple years, and we have a LOT of mutual friends, so I donŽt know if he’d risk that.
Do you think his intent is purely sexual? He mentioned that he could deal with a long-distance relationship (that surprised me, because I don’t generally believe in the staying power of long-distance relationships, but it could just be a line). And I do value the friendship. Who knows, maybe it could evolve…
I also have a general question: Do relationships EVER evolve out of sex? Because, looking at some girls I know, even though we live in a “liberated” society, no one respects a ho. But if you don’t put out (say, by the 4th date, right DCB?) then the guy thinks youŽre not interested (or maybe sex was all he wanted in the first place). Insight?
Kathryn says,
All the time and effort and history involved lead me to believe sex is not the only thing on his mind. You guys had a great friendship, he developed romantic feelings for you, and acted on them in your one hot night together.
As for whether relationships can evolve out of sex… of course. I know plenty of people who had long-term relationships start with what could easily have been a one-night stand. It just depends on the people and the emotions and the situation. Likewise, I know people who waited quite a while to have sex, with no ill effects on their relationship. However, I must point out that anything you had with this guy at this point would not be evolving “out of sex.” There’s far too much background for that.
DCB says,
Whether he has feelings or not, he mostly wants to bang you. After you blue balled him that one night, he can’t stop thinking about how he wants to destroy you in bed.
You were blabbering on about how awesome he is but now you’re scared to bang? This is one of the reasons I hate women: they don’t go after what they want because they are scared about how they are perceived. Do you want it or not?
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