Love triangle
While DCB takes a short “my time is my own” break from blogging, FDDC will feature guest writers. Today, RCR weighs in.
Strong Morals writes,
There are two guys — let’s call them Guy 1 and Guy 2 (yes, I am that creative). I met Guy 1 about 6 months ago through a mutual friend. One thing led to another and we ended up having a sexual relationship for several months. Neither one of us wanted a real relationship with the other for a variety of reasons, so it was the perfect situation for me (I was just coming off of a break up). The last time we were together was in Feburary.
In March, I started seeing Guy 2. We’ve known each other for quite some time, although not well. We’ve been seeing each other intermittently since March (not as often as I’d like), but we haven’t slept together yet. I’ve asked him about this, and he says he’s not ready for the seriousness of a sexual relationship. We’ve spent a couple nights together, and I’ve thought about just attacking him but I’ve decided against it. I don’t know if there’s some other problem there. I know he was raised quite Catholic, but even so.
Meanwhile, Guy 1 came back on the scene a few weeks ago and he’s made it quite clear that he’d like to pick up where we left off. We’re in touch fairly frequently, but our schedules have not clicked yet. I’m a one man kind of woman, so if I was sleeping with Guy 2 I would not even entertain the idea of sleeping with Guy 1 again. However, I am becoming very frustrated by Guy 2’s refusal to sleep with me, so I am seriously thinking about it.
You’re probably wondering what the problem is. Well, Guy 1 and Guy 2 know each other — have known each other for 15 years. And Guy 2 was Guy 1’s boss for many years, and is going to become his boss again in the near future. I am fairly certain that they do not know about each other with respect to me. Guy 1 would not care about my relationship with Guy 2, might even find it amusing. Guy 2 would probably flip out even to know that I had a previous relationship with Guy 1, much less a current one (he has shown some signs of jealousy and possesiveness with me). I really like Guy 2 and would hope that this could really become something, although maybe it won’t. So would sleeping with Guy 1 be a huge mistake? Or do I bascially get to do what I want since I’m not getting any from Guy 2?
RCR says,
Ethically speaking, I think your infrequent dating and lack of sexual relationship preclude any kind of implied exclusivity with Guy 2 . So unless you’ve had the DTR talk, and it sounds like you haven’t, you could sleep with Guy 1 not violate any relationship rules. Pragmatically speaking, however, that’s not going to matter to Guy 2 if he finds out. The fact that he’s possessive or jealous and you’re not even sleeping together has drama written all over it. In making your decision, you’ll need to weigh the importance of the relationship with Guy 2 and the risk of him finding out about you and Guy 1.
More importantly, though, I think you should address the problems with Guy 2. Find out why it’s not moving forward - it sounds like he may have some issues. It’s okay to say “Hey, we need to talk about this whole not screwing thing.” I’m sure he’d rather talk about your discontent than find out you’ve been banging other guys. And if he doesn’t, dump him and kick it with Guy 1. Avoid the drama. At least you’ll be getting laid.
Kathryn says,
I’m having trouble figuring out what you want, exactly, and from whom you want it (as in, you show no preference for Guy 1 or 2). Are you just looking for the guy who’ll give you the sex on the regular? Or are you looking for a relationship that includes more than just sex? And with which one of these guys? You say that you’d be interested in more with both of them. Hard to tell. That said…
Would you feel comfortable asking Guy 1 if starting up again means he’s interested in more than a strictly physical relationship? You guys have enough history that I think it’s a fair question. You can even tell him you’ve been dating someone else, but enjoyed the time you spent with him, and would consider seeing him again if it’s for something more than a hook-up. If he isn’t interested in more, you know up front and won’t waste any more time on him.
As for Guy 2, I’m glad you’ve asked him about his choice not to have sex with you, at least not yet, but how much did you guys really talk about it? If you continue to stay over, and he continues not to want to have sex when you are ready and willing and clearly showing him that’s the case, then you have every right to continue that conversation. Ask him why he’s waiting, if uncertainty about where you guys are heading has anything to do with it, etc. See what he says. Tell him someone else asked you out, and you’re considering going, but wanted to talk to him about where things are going with you.
The bottom line in all of this: decide what you want and from whom you want it, then TALK to these guys. It’s the only way you’ll get the answer to this question.
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