At 29 I’m in the somewhat odd position of having to call it off with somebody for the first time in my life. I have had previous relationships that have been ended by other person, and plenty of casual hooking up situations that have simply fizzled out with no communication about the situation made by either me or the other person.
A couple of months ago I started dating two guys around the same time. Both were fun, casual situations. While one escalated to the point that we were regularly seeing one another and having sex; the other dropped out of communication. I suspected that he was seeing somebody else but that didn’t really bother me because I was too. The regular guy and I recently agreed to not date anyone else.
Today the second guy re-emerged and wants to get together. I’ve already decided that I don’t want to be with him, especially after he blew me off for several weeks (and I was probably his backup), and because I am committed to somebody else.
What I’m wondering however, is what the proper etiquette here is. Do I have to see him in purpose and explain to him that I don’t want to see him, or would an email be okay? I’m thinking back now to all of the horrendous lines I’ve heard in my life when somebody has been cutting me loose, but now that I’m in that position, nothing seems appropriate. I don’t want to sound like a jackass, nor do I want to place any assumptions on him. I know its somewhat lame I’m only encountering this issue now, but your advice is appreciated nonetheless.
DCB says,
So this guy dropped you and now you’re thinking of proper etiquette? You really don’t have to be so nice. Either stop answering his calls or send him an email saying that you have a boyfriend. Since you aren’t in a relationship, there is no need to treat this like a break-up you would do in person.
Kathryn says,
This is not your first break-up, doll. This is (I guess) your first blow-off. He disappeared for a few weeks, and you suspect you were on his back burner. You guys didn’t have a relationship. And if you did, he didn’t bother to actually “break up” with you. I say, respond with similar effort - either don’t answer at all, or tell him simply that you were dating someone else when you were hanging out with him, and have since decided to commit to this person. Neither would be lame or a line.
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You are much too nice. You owe this guy nothing but the truth: “I have started dating someone else and we are exclusive, so I can’t see you. But thank you for asking, take care.”
After I was attacked yesterday for irresponsibily offering a mental health evaluation when I am not qualified to do so, I will do so again. I think you are the type who worries too much and who has trouble asserting yourself for fear of ever hurting anyone. I think you would benefit from doing some ‘inner-bitch’ training. No, you don’t need to be a super bitch, but learn to be straight-forward and honest. And learn to worry more about what you are feeling than others who do not deserve so much of your concern
I had a girlfriend once who was being persued by some asshole who would not get the hint. Yet she never wanted to tell him directly she was not interested for fear of hurting his feelings and this caused her lots of moody melodrama over the situation. In frustration I finally said to her, “so what are you going to do, give him a blow job because you can’t say no?” She seemed to get the hint and started ignoring him.
Comment by Chaco on 07/11/06.
Hi, original question-asker here. Thanks so much for the input. All that actually went down a few weeks ago. Not long after I submitted the question, the relationship guy had a sudden change of heart and broke it off with me. I took that as a sign that I should be with the other one, who turned out to be a moody inconsiderate jerk. So now I’m single again, but at the very least free of boy-related conundrums as as this one. I’m sure I’ll have another dilemma for the peanut gallery to tackle before long!
Comment by OP on 07/11/06.
That’s terrible news to hear OP! My advice if this ever happens again, is to ignore, and screen phone calls, I hate it when girls do it to me, but I practice it with girls as well. It’s too hard to let someone down and no one wants to be the bad guy, so I like to fade away.
Comment by CVP on 07/11/06.
You seem like kind of a slut.
Comment by Jack on 07/12/06.
She does not seem like a slut! It seems to me she was way more concerned with either of these jerks than they ever deserved. When women date like men, they’re ’sluts’. When they press for a committed relationship, they’re ‘needy.’ The only way to maintain your sanity is to just not give a damn what people think.
