I’m 27, a woman, and pretty dedicated to being single. It takes a lot for me to want to be in a relationship with someone. But I date, and do the friends w/benes thing, and it’s all good.
So I’ve been loose friends/good acquaintances with this guy B for about a year. I occasionally hang out with his friends, and made out with one of them about 6 months ago pretty casually.
A few months ago B started expressing interest. To put it bluntly, he’s got no game. But it was endearing that he was trying.
We went out a couple times where he didn’t make a move and I didn’t make a move, and I got fed up and quit going out with him. About a month later, after a fairly embarassing moment when he basically asked me out over chat (we were making plans and he turned them into a Date, in his words), we went out and had a good time and ended up back at my apartment. We have chemistry, things were good, but a little slow-paced. Which I chalked up to him being shy.
To be clear, I like him, but not for anything more than a friends with benes situation. I thought he knew this, but looks like I was wrong
So I hadn’t talked with him since the Date (total time span = 1 week) until he emailed to confirm my attendance at his birthday party.
Last night was the birthday party. I stayed over, we were making out, and he basically stopped things very, very early on. Like we were both still fully clothed. Which really surprised me, because things were going very well up to that point, we’ve known each other for a fair amount of time, and it was pretty much the 3rd or 4th date depending on how you count it.
This is what floored me. B said “I don’t think we should go any further.” I said “What are you concerned about?” or something to that effect. He said “I think that you’re more into me than I am into you.”
WTF???
a)who says that, ever?
b)is he blind deaf and stupid?
My working hypothesis: because I’m more aggressive than he is in bed, he thinks I’m more into him. 2nd hypothesis: because he’s been pursuing me (poorly) for the last few months, it surprised him that I was into “benefits.”
I’m about ready to quit seeing him altogether because what’s the point of a friend with benefits if the benefits aren’t there. But I’d be happier if I could just get him up to speed on the physical part without him thinking it means I want to marry him.
Thoughts?
DCB says,
Wow what a lame douche. Sounds like you have given him every green light in the book and he hasn’t stepped up like a man. There is no advice in the world that I can give that would improve this situation, unless that advice includes something about picking men who actually want to have sex with women. Either he is gay or you intimidate him with manly qualities.
Kathryn says,
Even if he isn’t gay, he might as well be. He lacks confidence, misinterprets your signals, doesn’t satisfy you physically, and can’t get his act together to hang out even on a casual, no-strings-attached basis. Time to throw this small fish back in the sea. I guarantee there are plenty of men out there who’d love to enjoy the benefits of your friendship. It should take you all of a weekend to find one.
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Another possibility: he’s “negging” you. This means he’s basically putting you down on purpose to make you insecure and therefore desire him more. Think about it. If you had banged, you might start dating or you might decide it’s a fling and never do it again. By stopping you in your tracks, “freezing you out” so to spoke, the guy makes you think about him and question himself. “Am I good enough? Why won’t he sleep with me? etc” Basically, now you’re wondering what kind of guy - who has the gall? - would stop an immininent sexual encounter. Now I’m not saying this with a high degree of certainty, but it’s very possible he’s using this tactic to make you more attracted to him.
Comment by BG on 07/28/06.
KL, I think you’ve pretty well got him figured out already. He’s shy.
You two are from two different worlds. For you the important thing seems to be the sex, not the relationship. For him it’s the other way around. He’s looking for emotional intimacy and the sex should come later.
He’s slow moving and shy now, but once he feels that connection with you he’ll be a different person. He still thinks that if he tries something he’s gonna get slapped or you’re gonna get mad at him and run off. Once he’s more comfortable with you he’ll be more willing to be aggressive.
You seem to be the sort who starts sex by stripping down and jumping him. He seems to be the sort who prefers to make out for awhile and slowly peel clothes off.
He’s not gay. You’re just assuming he feels the same as you about love and sex and judging his behavior off of what would cause you to act like that. For you to act like that you’d have to be a lesbian in denial.
Meanwhile, he’s assuming that you feel the same way about love and sex that he does. For him to act like you do he’d have to be 3-6 months into the relationship. So he figures you’re more into him than he is into you.
You need to have a talk with him. Tell him that you’re still sowing your oats. Tell him that he’s looking for Miss Right while you’re looking for Mr. Right-now. Tell him that what he needs from a woman you can’t provide. Let him know that what you had was just meaningless sex but you two can still have that if he’s willing to accept that it’s nothing more than a bunch of one night stands. He may be willing to take you up on that, but he’ll think that since you’re having sex it’s just a matter of time before you come around to his point of view and then get devistated when you sleep with other guys.
The kindest way to deal with this is to help him meet someone else. Probably someone bookish.
I have a different take on this… how bout “I think that you’re more into me than I am into you”. Did you ever consider that maybe he is just not into you? Maybe he was trying to generate some interest in you but it just was not there. I have made out with plenty of girls and did not take it further (even though they wanted to) simply because I was not really digging something about them (usually their personailty). These are girls that my guy friends think are totally hot, yet they did not meet my criteria.
I realize everyone believes that all guys want to do is fuck, but that is not always the case.
OMG Ibid, you were right on. I am now so interested in your opinion on everything, because you’re clearly brilliant.
Update:
We had kind of a DTR where I frankly told him I didn’t want to date and gave him three options:
a)we go back to being non-touching friends
b)we are friends who occasionally make out with clothes on
c)we are friends who have sex on a semi-regular basis
He picked C. (He also requested that I introduce him to datable women, which I thought was funny, and plan on doing when I meet anyone appropriate for him.)
Then he was confused that I wanted to go see a movie with him and not invite anyone else. “Isn’t that a date?” he said. I said yes. He said “I thought you didn’t want to date.” I then explained the difference between A date and DATING. (ie evaluation of future partner potential)
The funny thing about all this is that it happened over Google talk. Thank you google, for letting the shy folks of the world work it all out.
So things are now great. We bang on a regular basis and it’s good. It’s exactly what I wanted.
But because nothing can be simple, (this may be a future FDDC email since Ibid is a genius), one of my best friends who also broke my heart last year and is the only person I would be really into DATING right now, is now starting to exhibit interest. He must be able to sense that I’m having good sex without him.
KL, you are a selfish woman using this man. it sounds like you will toss him as soon as the prospect of someone better might appear (not saying they will appear, but you would still toss him). Heartless.
Comment by Anonymous on 07/28/06.
As long as he knows she’s gonna toss him there’s no problem. He was warned.
he’s totally playing games — that and/or totally insecure. he WANTS you to want him more than he does you — but thing is he IS more into you than you are. you know this, and he does too. otherwise he wouldn’t have been so lame as to have pseudo ask you out online. bleh. i’m with you, enjoy being single who needs this kinda bullsh*t.
KL, you seem like you have been hurt some time in the past. You seem very unfeminine. I still think this guy wants to be with a girl that actually has feelings and emotions. For some reason you, at 27, do not seem capable of it, you’d rather slut yourself all over town. Are you doing other guys as well?
Comment by Jack on 07/28/06.
What? It’s ok when DCB and many of the other guys around here go on about getting the notch and their conquest duJour, but it’s not ok for a woman to do the same? Sexist loser.
Good for her. Why shouldn’ she be upfront and honest about what she wants? That only makes it easier. Sounds like this guy is just really shy.
Comment by Heather on 07/31/06.
I thought that the idea of FWB is precisely so that you could find “the one” and drop the benefits later. It’s not a marriage!
Comment by Anonymous on 07/31/06.
I had Option (c) a few years ago…although I wasn’t hesitant at all about getting it on with the girl in the first place…later I did say things like that guy said and she just laughed at me, and we continued to hang out and bang. Come to think of it, it was pretty much the most ideal situation possible for a guy who wants sex easily/frequently and still have his freedom (outside of being deceptive). I’m still friends with the girl years later, to boot.
FWB = pearfict. Somebody should set up a site to match people looking for that kind of set-up…like Friendster, but with humpin’.
