Comments on: Nearly gay notch

By: BG

BG — Fri, 28 Jul 2006 14:40:07 +0000

Another possibility: he’s “negging” you. This means he’s basically putting you down on purpose to make you insecure and therefore desire him more. Think about it. If you had banged, you might start dating or you might decide it’s a fling and never do it again. By stopping you in your tracks, “freezing you out” so to spoke, the guy makes you think about him and question himself. “Am I good enough? Why won’t he sleep with me? etc” Basically, now you’re wondering what kind of guy - who has the gall? - would stop an immininent sexual encounter. Now I’m not saying this with a high degree of certainty, but it’s very possible he’s using this tactic to make you more attracted to him.

By: Ibid

Ibid — Fri, 28 Jul 2006 15:27:13 +0000

KL, I think you’ve pretty well got him figured out already. He’s shy.
You two are from two different worlds. For you the important thing seems to be the sex, not the relationship. For him it’s the other way around. He’s looking for emotional intimacy and the sex should come later.
He’s slow moving and shy now, but once he feels that connection with you he’ll be a different person. He still thinks that if he tries something he’s gonna get slapped or you’re gonna get mad at him and run off. Once he’s more comfortable with you he’ll be more willing to be aggressive.
You seem to be the sort who starts sex by stripping down and jumping him. He seems to be the sort who prefers to make out for awhile and slowly peel clothes off.

He’s not gay. You’re just assuming he feels the same as you about love and sex and judging his behavior off of what would cause you to act like that. For you to act like that you’d have to be a lesbian in denial.
Meanwhile, he’s assuming that you feel the same way about love and sex that he does. For him to act like you do he’d have to be 3-6 months into the relationship. So he figures you’re more into him than he is into you.

You need to have a talk with him. Tell him that you’re still sowing your oats. Tell him that he’s looking for Miss Right while you’re looking for Mr. Right-now. Tell him that what he needs from a woman you can’t provide. Let him know that what you had was just meaningless sex but you two can still have that if he’s willing to accept that it’s nothing more than a bunch of one night stands. He may be willing to take you up on that, but he’ll think that since you’re having sex it’s just a matter of time before you come around to his point of view and then get devistated when you sleep with other guys.

The kindest way to deal with this is to help him meet someone else. Probably someone bookish.

By: cosmic shambles

cosmic shambles — Fri, 28 Jul 2006 16:04:39 +0000

I have a different take on this… how bout �I think that you�re more into me than I am into you”. Did you ever consider that maybe he is just not into you? Maybe he was trying to generate some interest in you but it just was not there. I have made out with plenty of girls and did not take it further (even though they wanted to) simply because I was not really digging something about them (usually their personailty). These are girls that my guy friends think are totally hot, yet they did not meet my criteria.

I realize everyone believes that all guys want to do is fuck, but that is not always the case.

By: rock creek rambler

rock creek rambler — Fri, 28 Jul 2006 16:25:40 +0000

BG, if he is pulling that Neil Strauss bullshit then it’s all the more reason to send this guy packing.

By: KL

KL — Fri, 28 Jul 2006 16:50:43 +0000

OMG Ibid, you were right on. I am now so interested in your opinion on everything, because you’re clearly brilliant.

Update:
We had kind of a DTR where I frankly told him I didn’t want to date and gave him three options:
a)we go back to being non-touching friends
b)we are friends who occasionally make out with clothes on
c)we are friends who have sex on a semi-regular basis

He picked C. (He also requested that I introduce him to datable women, which I thought was funny, and plan on doing when I meet anyone appropriate for him.)

Then he was confused that I wanted to go see a movie with him and not invite anyone else. “Isn’t that a date?” he said. I said yes. He said “I thought you didn’t want to date.” I then explained the difference between A date and DATING. (ie evaluation of future partner potential)

The funny thing about all this is that it happened over Google talk. Thank you google, for letting the shy folks of the world work it all out.

So things are now great. We bang on a regular basis and it’s good. It’s exactly what I wanted.

But because nothing can be simple, (this may be a future FDDC email since Ibid is a genius), one of my best friends who also broke my heart last year and is the only person I would be really into DATING right now, is now starting to exhibit interest. He must be able to sense that I’m having good sex without him.

By: cosmic shambles

cosmic shambles — Fri, 28 Jul 2006 17:18:59 +0000

Ooops, guess I was wrong.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Fri, 28 Jul 2006 17:28:33 +0000

KL, you are a selfish woman using this man. it sounds like you will toss him as soon as the prospect of someone better might appear (not saying they will appear, but you would still toss him). Heartless.

By: Ibid

Ibid — Fri, 28 Jul 2006 17:59:12 +0000

As long as he knows she’s gonna toss him there’s no problem. He was warned.

By: Administrator

Administrator — Fri, 28 Jul 2006 19:08:58 +0000

he sounds lamer than ever

By: Dancing Diva

Dancing Diva — Fri, 28 Jul 2006 19:31:30 +0000

he’s totally playing games — that and/or totally insecure. he WANTS you to want him more than he does you — but thing is he IS more into you than you are. you know this, and he does too. otherwise he wouldn’t have been so lame as to have pseudo ask you out online. bleh. i’m with you, enjoy being single who needs this kinda bullsh*t.

By: Jack

Jack — Fri, 28 Jul 2006 19:43:56 +0000

KL, you seem like you have been hurt some time in the past. You seem very unfeminine. I still think this guy wants to be with a girl that actually has feelings and emotions. For some reason you, at 27, do not seem capable of it, you’d rather slut yourself all over town. Are you doing other guys as well?

By: Ibid

Ibid — Sat, 29 Jul 2006 00:04:34 +0000

What? It’s ok when DCB and many of the other guys around here go on about getting the notch and their conquest duJour, but it’s not ok for a woman to do the same? Sexist loser.

By: Heather

Heather — Mon, 31 Jul 2006 12:23:43 +0000

Good for her. Why shouldn’ she be upfront and honest about what she wants? That only makes it easier. Sounds like this guy is just really shy.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Mon, 31 Jul 2006 19:28:31 +0000

I thought that the idea of FWB is precisely so that you could find “the one” and drop the benefits later. It’s not a marriage!

By: C

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 20:09:21 +0000

I had Option (c) a few years ago…although I wasn’t hesitant at all about getting it on with the girl in the first place…later I did say things like that guy said and she just laughed at me, and we continued to hang out and bang. Come to think of it, it was pretty much the most ideal situation possible for a guy who wants sex easily/frequently and still have his freedom (outside of being deceptive). I’m still friends with the girl years later, to boot.

FWB = pearfict. Somebody should set up a site to match people looking for that kind of set-up…like Friendster, but with humpin’.