Today we have the lovely commenter etcetera pitching in with a little advice… This guy clearly needed a one-two female punch. I mean, wait a minute…
Will writes,
Ok. Here is the situation. Me and this girl have been on\off again for almost three years now. About a year ago, I found out that she was seeing two guys at the same time(me being one of them and guy #2) She literally had two boyfriends at the same time. After 3 weeks or so, I eventually forgave her after she told me that I was the one she really loved, and we got back together.
This lasted for about 4 months, and then we decided to break up due to each others careers. It was a mutual decision. I had to leave the area, while she stayed. Guy #2 from 4 months previous was still in the area and she told me they saw each other casually during the time I was away, but never were committed.
Finally about 5 months ago, I came back to the area, and eventually me and her got back together and were fully committed around March. This were going well. Guy #2 was no longer living in the city and things seemed to be going great. She said she was over him and she loved me. Then the bombshell…He moved back to the city a few weeks ago and last week I went over to her apartment to surprise her, and walked in on her having sex with him. Needless to say I almost threw up, but wound up just leaving the scene.
Now she says it was ‘another mistake’ and she really loves me…What the hell is going on here and what should I do???
etcetera says,
you have two questions -
1. what is going on here? and
2. what do i do?
since you seem to have a tough time internalizing messages, let me be very clear-
answer to question 1. SHE IS CHEATING ON YOU. REPEATEDLY. WITH NO SIGN OF EVER STOPPING.
answer to question 2. GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP. FOR GOOD. (have a backbone surgically implanted, if necessary.)
ok, just to give you a little more bang for your buck and make my reply slightly more meaty, let me concede that it is far easier to criticize a relationship from the outside. and on a similar note, far easier to advise someone to leave a relationship, etc. but the benefit of the third party (in this case, moi) is that he/she can also have a bit more clarity. so please, believe me when i tell you, this girl will not stop cheating. you will never have a healthy relationship with her. this situation is past the point of saving (if there ever was a point.) i recommend cutting yourself off completely. and looking in to spinal implant surgery.
hugs and kisses, etcetera
Kathryn says,
Wow, etcetera hits hard, doesn’t she?
Here’s my soft(er) approach: I know through excruciating first-hand and very close second-hand experience that it’s VERY tempting and easy to go back to a lover who cheated on you. It’s one of those situations where, when you’re deep in it, it seems easier to stick with the known evil than to venture out on your own and face the unknown. I also learned the hard way that when someone cheats on you, the relationship is irreparable. Even if the person doesn’t cheat again for a long time, there is a constant tension, and a near cat-and-mouse type dynamic where you’re constantly (if not consciously) checking up on the other person all the time. It’s not healthy or tenable.
For you, specifically, you already took her back once, and she did it again. Do you really want to let her get to three strikes? She has some kind of problem you’re better off not trying to understand or solve, not after she’s treated you with so little respect. She also seems to use love as a way to win you back. Please take some time away from her - no contact at all - and reflect on that relationship. Was it really love? Would you want to spend your life - or even the next few months - with someone who cares so little for you and whom you can not trust?
I hope the answer is no.
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I don’t envy the position you are in. Cut your losses and don’t ever look back. Leave her in the past where she belongs. She has no integrity or loyalties to you. If you let her weasel back in to your life she will only cause you added grief and heartache. She is untrustworthy and a skank.
Comment by Jada on 07/19/06.
She said she was “over him,” but she probably meant under him. Break it off completely and eternally.
Dumbass. I can’t believe you took her back the first time, after she cheated on you at the 2 year mark.
Cheating is a major red flag. Doing it 2 years into the relationship is a major, major red flag. By then, she should know what she wants. Either she wants you, or she doesn’t. Instead, she was being selfish, yet you still took her back. Twice.
Geeze. Have some respect for yourself.
Comment by Anonymous on 07/19/06.
The chick is banging some dude, you walk in on it, and you want some advice on how to proceed.?
Pick up the phone book and find yourself a therapist, because you have no-self respect.
How low can your self-esteem be?
Comment by Anonymous on 07/19/06.
I have to agree with pretty much everyone…its one thing to cheat ONCE (bad enough but people do forgive) but a consistent cheater? Cmon…as hard as it is…you HAVE to let go. And walking in on them having sex!? Well thats just as bad as it gets unless you had walked in on her with your best friend videotaping it and your parents watching the whole thing. GET OUT NOW. Seriously, you are better than this.
You know you need to get out, but there’s something about this girl that you can’t stay away from. I get that. I’ve had that one someone who had no interest in me but I fell for her over and over and over again. Then there was Miss Perfect (for me) that left such massive emotional scars that they’ve been declared a national landmark and people visit on their honeymoon. But 5 years later I still want to give her a call from time to time.
Compound that with the fact that you have actually dated her. Any time you’re around her from now on you’ll fall into old habits without realizing it. You’ll be talking to someone and suddenly realize you’ve had your arm around your ex for the last 5 minutes.
Dump her. Don’t try to be friends with her. Dump her. It will never work out. She’ll just cheat on you again. She may love you, but she doesn’t love you enough to stop sleeping with other people. So as painful and difficult as it may be you need to walk away. You’ll have to think of it like trying to quit a drug addiction cold turkey. You’ll get over it eventually, but the first couple of months will suck. There’s just not enough letters in the word “suck” to indicate how much it will suck. Just keep telling yourself that she’s a cheating whore. Write it on the bathroom mirror, get a tattoo, make up bumperstickers, sit naked in the living room with your legs crossed chanting “ooohwaddacheetinghore ooohwaddacheetinghore.” In the years to come when you find yourself lonely and/or between girlfriends you’ll look back and feel regret for losing her and think about giving her a call. You’ll have to force yourself to remember that you had a damn good reason for dropping the bitch.
“She may love you, but she doesn’t love you enough to stop sleeping with other people.”
You win.
Comment by Johnny5 on 07/19/06.
I suppose you could get her to freak out about the other guy. Shave his name in her dog. Send her dead roses in her name. Stand outside her window with a boom box over your head playing the theme to Halloween while dressed as him.
Install an extra line in her house, put in a cordless phone on that line, and hide the phone inside a wall. Keep the handset. Then park up the street and call her from there. Just breath when she answers the phone. Make her think it’s him. And the cops get to say the classic “the call is coming from inside the house” line.
A friend had a stalker with two e-mail accounts. One was for her sane and normal personality. The other was for the personality that wanted to hack up his family and leave the bits on the railroad tracks (no exaggeration). Hack his e-mail account so you can read his e-mail. Open a second account in his name. While he e-mails her from one you be the crazy version of him e-mailing from the other account. Make sure there’s enough references to messages from the other account to make it appear he’s sending them all.
You can get her to dump him and even get a restraining order, but she’ll just cheat on you with someone else.
If you were my friend, I would slap you. I would slap you like a little bitch. NEVER talk to this girl again. EVER. I don’t care how much you think you love her, she’s evil. 100% concentrated devil shit.
Leave, leave, leave this toxic relationship. Going back to her after she cheated on you twice would be like saying to yourself, “I deserve someone who treats me without respect, love or even human decency.” I hope that’s not want you want out of life. Kathryn’s comments were right on though. An unfaithful relationship is virtually irreparable though it can sometimes be fixed with lots and lots of effort. It doesn’t seem like she’s willing to put forth that effort. I saw my EX (who also cheated) last night. It had been 2 months since we’d broken up and really even talked — and I realized that I had forgiven him for what he’d done but I knew there could never be a future for the two of us because I don’t think I could ever truly forget what he did.
Comment by OC on 07/19/06.
It’s tough when you love someone and you think they love you to deal with getting cheated on because you want to blame yourself and wonder what went wrong etc. Well in this situation you were cheated on, took the high road and forgave her and things became wonderful again with you seemingly in love, but alas, this isn’t your fault, yet, because she cheated on you again. You’ve done nothing wrong to this point that You’ve confessed so far at least, but if you spend 2 more seconds dealing with this, then you’re doing wrong to every woman you meet after this, and to yourself. Being a nice guy is tough and sometimes really worth it, I know, but being a pansy is just really stupid. Cut her off completely, the sooner you do that the sooner things become clear again
Comment by CVP on 07/19/06.
While I can’t disagree with the other comments here, just for some fun, I will let you know there *is* an alternate approach. Be pimp about it. By that I mean: keep seeing her as an FB and see other girls yourself. She is giving you regular ass which you enjoy, but she is sharing that ass with another man. Fine, keep getting that ass and see other girls yourself. It’s win-win pimp style. After all, if she can cheat, so can you. Guilt free even. When you finally meet another girl who deserves to be your exclusive girlfriend, dump the cheating bitch. Please note this strategy will only work if you are not highly emotional about her (which is probably the case), because you’ll get all sloppy and sentimental and ruin the detached pimp vibe you want.
Comment by Chaco on 07/19/06.
Pagan Marbury says: “She has balls.”
At least someone in this trainwreck of a “relationship” does.
Bottom line, grow a pair and tell her to FOAD. When she calls, hang up. When she emails, set your filter to recognize it as spam.
Ibid was spot on about how you’ll feel after you stop seeing her cold turkey. I was cheated on, forgave him, started hanging out as friends with him again, then fell back into a sexual relationship with him. I finally got the message that he didn’t love me no matter how much he declared that he “cared” about me and ended it. If you want to get out of this relationship and recover, you have to stop all contact with her cold turkey. You will constantly feel the need to talk to her but you have to be strong and distract yourself. You also have to realize that there is no WHY. That’s the question: WHY would you do this to me if you love me? You will NEVER get a satisfactory answer. You just have to move on and beyond that question.
Comment by Jane A on 07/19/06.
dude, you must cut this recidivist whore loose immediately.
Comment by Steve Lurkel on 07/19/06.
I don’t think this girl would have a shred of respect for you (not to mention any loss of respect for yourself) if you did NOT break it off with her completely at this point. You’ve proven to her that this is acceptable behavior. If there are no consequences for her actions, why would she change them? Unless you are a masochist, you must break this off now.
Comment by Single in the City on 07/20/06.
“I also learned the hard way that when someone cheats on you, the relationship is irreparable.”
Wise words spoken.
Comment by nabeel on 07/20/06.
Why don’t you keep bending over and taking it the ass since apparently you love doing that! You are actually asking advice on what to do because she says she loves you and made a mistake? You walked in on the girl having sex with another guy, and not just any guy, the same guy who has been involved before. How long will it be until you get it? She has sex with another guy and says, “oh, I am sorry. You are the one I love,” and this makes it all beter? Awesome, next she will shoot your mother and say, “ohhh, sorry…but I love you,” and everything will be just jim-dandy!!! Wake up!
Comment by DCBG on 07/27/06.
She’s a ho! If you love someone you’ll never sleep with someone else.
Get the bitch shot, I would!
