First Date DC

Today’s guest poster is The Home Improvement Ninja, whose quirky long-windedness often blows us away…

Anonymous writes,

I hope you can help me with something I have been wondering about lately: Do most guys in their late 20s and early 30s consider a girl to have less girlfriend or long-term relationship potential if she hooks up with them on the first date?

I know there is a lot of variation among guys - many guys don’t want something that can be had too easily - but many guys don’t like a girl to make them wait too long either. And I sometimes hear about successful couples who started out as hook-ups.

I’m ideally looking for a long-term, exclusive relationship (I am 29) but honestly I’m also really horny lately and getting more male attention than previously since I have lost some weight and improved my overall appearance. I do have much to offer other than my looks of course, and many guys say they find me sweet, smart, fun, and interesting to talk to. I also like the advantage of seeing how a guy is in bed before becoming exclusive with him and finding out that he is terrible in the sack.

So are there some basic guidelines I can follow to increase my chances of turning a hook-up that I enjoyed into something more? I know a lot of people give vague advice like “don’t try to rush the relationship” and “don’t pressure the guy into a relationship” but how can you not rush the relationship after you’ve already hooked up? Is wanting the guy to call more than once or twice a
week expecting too much? How can I slow down my rate of emotional attachment to someone I’m seeing and with whome I’m physical early on?

Yes, I am kind of clueless about this, but is it possible to have fun and enjoy my sexuality while getting to know someone but not waste time going down a dead-end road with, possibly getting hurt, and giving myself a reputation for being a slut?

Home Improvement Ninja says,

Well, in typical lawyer fashion I will say that the answer to your question is “it depends”. First, if you’re the girl I met in the Salsa club last week, then yes, it’s okay to sleep with someone right away. Bring your sorority sister too, I won’t mind. If you’re not her, then read on.

You seem to be conflicted about being in a relationship with someone and being able to sleep with them right away. One doesn’t preclude the other. If you sleep with everyone on the first date because you are horny or lonely then, yes, people will think you are slutty. Why you would care what other people think is beyond me, but there it is. But if you are really looking for a relationship and you feel some sort of connection with the other person, then I don’t see anything wrong with sleeping with them. If you sleep with them just because you just reaaaaally need to get your rocks off or are desperate to get them to like you enough to call you back, then they will pick up on that and probably not call you back.

I may be reading too much into this, but I noticed you mentioned that you had lost weight recently. If I had to guess, I think that even though you are getting more attention lately, you still have those big-girl self esteem issues and aren’t comfortable enough in your new looks yet to think that people would want you for something other than a one-night stand. Your “How can I slow down my rate of emotional attachment to someone I’m seeing and with whom I’m physical early on” statement makes me think that you had problems in the past with sleeping with someone, getting attached, and then being hurt when you found out that they didn’t want anything other than sex. Maybe your previous low self esteem made you attractive to the type of losers who prey on insecure women so they can brag to their repressed-homosexual frat buddies about the notches on their belt and prove that they are real men. Let’s face it, those Sigma Alpha Epsilon rush meetings are like a deleted scene from the Brokeback Mountain director’s cut. Jus’ sayin.

I think if the guy likes you, then he will be happy that you are forming some kind of emotional attachment and are calling him up to talk to him. Guys don’t like it when girls that we are not really into call too much. But we dig it if it’s someone we like. So don’t go into it with some kind of roadmap about you are supposed to respond after the fist date versus the Xth date. Just treat it as what it is: you having fun and getting to know the other person.

Now about your horniness: I am guessing that you are really horny lately (after the weight loss) because prior to your new body, you didn’t see yourself as sexy, so you didn’t feel sexual. Now you look better so you feel more like a sexual person and those feelings are taking some getting used to. A practical suggestion for handling your horniness: get a vibrator. Kathryn can probably help you out here more than I can. But my guess is that since we now have plasma TVs and micro chips, that vibrator technology has advanced lately too. Maybe they have solar powered ones with titanium shells (shafts?) and plutonium isotope batteries. I don’t know. But that should take the edge off. If you’ve seen Something About Mary, you’ll know that guys do some, errrrr “preventive maintenance” before a big date so that we don’t end up humping the girl’s leg at a restaurant. Jus’ sayin’.

Kathryn says,

Um, I can NOT help with the vibrator question. (But I do think it’s a good idea.)

This really is the age-old dilemma, isn’t it? Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, with a big old helping of the male/female double standard on the side.

Here’s my question to you: why do you have to have actual sexual intercourse with everyone? Can’t you tell whether a guy would be good in bed through kissing, touching, and those bases that come before home? There’s so much to do between first kiss and first time having sex. You can enjoy it all at your leisure as you get to know the person, and decide whether or not you’d be interested in them (and whether they’re interested in more than just sex with you).

That said, yes, most guys are going to wonder about you if you sleep with them right away. Though they wouldn’t turn you down, they would wonder how many other guys you’ve jumped into bed with so quickly. Even if it’s true, they generally don’t believe it when women say “I never do this.” So if you are moved to give into your passion one night, do so understanding you may never hear from the guy again. Be sure you still want to do it, even if that’s the last you hear of him. If you see him again, well, it’s a nice surprise and a hot start to a hot fling or maybe even relationship.

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