Today’s guest poster is Circle V, a smart lady who should really patent her special brand of tough love…
New to DC and the Real World writes,
I just recently relocated to D.C. after graduating from college a little over a month ago. Since being in the city I have reconnected with an old college guy friend who was also my hookup buddy last summer (non-committal due to my college status and future return back to where I came from for another year of school). We also talked and stayed in touch throughout the year- seeing each other once- talking about trying a long distance relationship but I nixed that on account of it being my last semester of school and if we couldn’t do it in person why should we try via 1000 miles?
So, I’m back in D.C. and he’s slow to contact me. He finally calls one Saturday afternoon and we realize we’re both headed to Dupont that night. Both of our circles of friends become more hammered than we and we decide to meet up. I’m a little tipsier than he is and as a result, he tells me how we have to talk and he didn’t want to meet up like this. We still share a few kisses. Then that Sunday we decide to watch a movie at his place. Very platonic- just sit there and watch it almost awkwardly. Fast forward a week and I find out that my building loses power and I work a block from his apt and it’s 1130pm. He says I can come over and we have a great night of tv and then hooking up.
Two days later we have an amazing time at a concert and I spend the night again….note: nothing has been discussed. He sucks at calling/doesn’t care. We have a long history and I know he cares about me so what’s the deal? He works really late hours and has a busy post-work schedule…it’s no excuse and I realize this- is it worth caring for a second longer? if not, how does a girl move on? I hooked up with a friend’s friend (accidentally) who I had been emailing witty, sarcastic bits to for two days but now I just feel like I’m hooking up with guys which is a horrible feeling. I’m looking for something more. What’s a recent grad to do?!
V says,
First, let me welcome you to the wonderful world of young adulthood. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at your new freedoms and experiences. That said, I’ll start with what you want to hear: It is possible that he’s just busy, is really into you and is doing the best he can with what little time he has (make a note, there are guys like this in DC). But, my money is on that he’s got a girlfriend, and while he thought he’d be cool and tell you at first, he has now decided to see how long he can ride this fun train consequence-free. I think you probably know this deep down, hence the question.
And, while I could go on and tell you how to play this so you can still have fun and not end up acting like a jealous ex, I’m going to opt for advice that is more to your question: “What’s a recent grad to do?!”
First, I need you to a take deep breath and start repeating over and over: “I am not in college; I no longer have to act like I am.”
That’s right, baby, you are on the path to becoming a mature, confident, and successful woman! Consider that “just hooking up with guys” is not something to feel “horrible” about (especially, if you’ve been flirting, having fun with said hook-upper via e-mail). You are now in the magical land of adult. Where smart, attractive women can feel confident enough in their decisions to hook up with whomever they so choose and no longer have to worry about some frat boy calling them a ho.
As you are enjoying these new freedoms, I would also suggest that you consider that “something more” you said you wanted out of these young men you are seeing as I am 99 percent sure you have no idea what that would be. Fortunately, this is perfectly normal at your age, and you now have free reign to date and hook up with whomever you choose. These experiences will lead to insight about yourself and what you want out of a relationship. Good luck!
Kathryn says,
I don’t think he necessarily has a girlfriend, but I do think he’s not interested in anything more than a casual hook-up here and there. He seems to talk about wanting to talk about dating, and putting that off, and never actually telling you he wants to date you or asking you for anything more than meet-ups and house calls. I’d stop if it’s making you feel badly.
And if hooking up with multiple guys without any more to it is making you feel badly (and not just because you’re worried about your rep), why not stop? I have a friend who refuses to purchase any single article of clothing - t-shirts, socks, you name it - unless she “loves” it. Apply the same thing to guys - are you excited about him? Think it would be more than just a hook-up, which is what you say you want? Then go for it!
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I’ve always been told that the best way to find that special someone is to stop looking. This is, of course, bullshit. It’s like saying that if I need new socks I shouldn’t go to the store.
You need to figure out what you want. Are you looking for A man or for THE man? Or maybe lots and lots of men. Take some time to figure out who you are and what you want. Are you gonna be someone who can sleep with a guy without feeling enough angst to make you the high empress of the goth people or are you gonna stock up on batteries and wait for some guy with promise? Now that you’re out of college are you going keep to the formulat and run out and snag some guy so you can pump out a few kids or are you going to enjoy your freedom and newfound paychecks for awhile first?
He’s not calling you, but are you calling him?
Could be that he feels you did the leaving before so he’s waiting to see if you’ve changed your mind. Having fallen in the lake once he’s nervously poking the ice to see if it’s safe to procede. You should go ahead and have “the conversation”. Don’t wait for him to start it.
Not to be a disservice to my gender, but it looks to me, according to the first paragraph, that he is totally in to you! You were the one who “nixed” the relationship idea in the first place (and believe me, I think it was a smart move, long distance is harrrrrd). He’s probably scared (lame, I know) to get attached to you and then have you shy away from relatioinship status again.
It’s kind of lame that we have to help out boys to be brave and gentleman-ly and knight-in-shining-armor-like. Kind of defeats the purpose, right? But maybe you do just need to give him a little nudge in the right direction.
Can’t say I blame the guy. I got bit by a snake once. I don’t handle snakes anymore. Once bitten, twice shy.
Granted, now that’s he’s gotten some nookie he should be a little more comfortable. However, he was getting nookie before and she broke it off.
Anyway, it’s the 21st century. Women’s sufferage is long past and even feminism is so standard as to be an archaic term. Women worked hard to be equal so now it’s time to accept the consequences, too. You have every bit as much responsibility to put your neck on the line as the guys do. It’s awkward and you’re scared he might reject you? Yeah, that’s what guys have been dealing with ever since they lost ability to… uh, what’s the verb form of mitosis? Is the creature of desire worth getting rejected? In short, women no longer get to demand that the guy ask them out.
Ok, that’s more of a rant than actual advice. Still, you need to go have the conversation. Let him know that he wants to take a shot at a relationship you’re willing, too.
Most women DO want more than just a random hookup, whatever the age. Circle V has no clue. Even when they say they want just fun, they usually want more. And that is ok. It’s biological, and it does not change just cause of Sex and the City or whatever. Most women (and some men) do end up feeling empty about just hooking up and not having a real relationship. And this is natural.
Comment by Jack on 07/24/06.
Jack: You are confusing the point as this has nothing to do with Sex and the City and everything to do with a young woman who is inexperienced at dating in a non-college environment. When a single young woman feels guilty about a hook up with someone who she is attracted to, she needs to take a step back and think about what she wants so that when she makes choices, particularly those involving sex, she doesn’t feel bad about them the next day.
Either way, Charlotte is right, this girl need to learn from it and move on.
I second “he’s not interested in anything more than a casual hook-up here and there.” And come on Kathryn, you know you can’t patent love. Even tough love.
Thanks for all of your advice guys! Turns out we had the talk and he’s a bit more old-school than most guys these days. He thinks we’re great together but not perfect (and he only dates if he feels like it’s a perfect match). I think he just got scared of commitment and there are lots of issues in our relationship since it has been a game of one person wanting something when the other didn’t and so on and so forth. As a result of all of this, he is unwilling to even date but will “settle” with the friends with benefits set-up. I’m not sure what I want to do with his ultimatum so I’m just doing what feels right and enjoying his friendship at this point.
I agree with Circle V that it’s important to be able to go out and have a good time and not feel guilty about the fun we have and decisions we make. BUT, on the other hand, it’s important to listen to your own heart. Mine says that I need something more right now…there are a lot of prospective fish but unsurprisingly, the ones I always decide to like end up being the ones that aren’t as interested…sad but as typical as waking up in the morning to go to work every day- that’s just how it goes I suppose.
Thanks for all the advice everyone!
Comment by question poser on 07/24/06.
“He thinks we’re great together but not perfect (and he only dates if he feels like it’s a perfect match).”
Wow…that has got to be the best “I just sex and nothing more” snowjob I’ve ever read.
