First Date DC

“but seriously, when should i call?”
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August 30, 2006

Too much energy?

Anonymous writes,

In the last couple of months ive gone out with close to a dozen or so women. None of which has lasted more than 2nd date. Why? I keep feeling that im putting in more energy into it than they are. I flirt with them, get their number, go out on date 1..sometimes date 2 if date 1 goes well. But after that, i keep feeling that im doing all the work. I never once had a girl call ME to go hang out with them or put an effort to get to know me. I drop them because i dont want to waste my time with someone that wont put in the effort. I dont want to waste all my energy on them and seem like im desperate.

I mean, serisouly…it cant be like this all the time. I keep thinking im meeting the wrong women. But out of a dozen and im getting the same responses? Something is not right.

DCB says,

This is a good question, and something that most guys wonder about. You have to understand that you will be expected to put in more than 50% of the work for the first several dates. Yeah, it’s great if she calls and asks you out on that second date, but are you seriously waiting by the phone for that to happen? You shouldn’t. You’re the man, so pick up the phone and ask her out again. Then get her in bed. That’s just what we do, and it’s what she expects from a real man. If she doesn’t call you back or says she is busy, then who cares, you obviously don’t have problems getting other numbers. Until you enter the relationship stage of things, after eight dates or so, should you really worry about reciprocity. I think you have a long way to go until you are desperate, and you thinking about it is probably costing you some notches. Men chase, while women passively wait. Don’t try to change a million years of genetics.

Kathryn says,

I always hate to start with “DCB is right.” But this time, he mostly is. Women are trained by their mothers, society, books like He’s Just Not That Into You, and their friends that a man who wants her will make the effort to call her. And we hold on to that for quite a while, well into dates 4 and 5 and 6. If a girl isn’t reciprocating by then, I’d wonder about her level of interest matching yours. But if you’re talking about dates 1 and 2, I really think it’s just a male/female expectation thing. Live up to hers and call if you want to see her again. It will pay off down the road. While DCB thinks that payoff should be sex, I think it could be a more equal, give-and-take relationship. Whatever floats your boat.

Pick up a goth girl

August 29, 2006

Get your kink on

Anonymous writes,

Recently I had uninhibited, kinky sex with a guy I met at a local bar. I was able to let myself go because we had just enough in common that we had a lot to talk about but not so much that I was going to fall for him. As he was taking me home the next morning, however, I apparently regained all of my inhibitions. I wanted to ask for his number so we could repeat the event (or events, rather). I didn’t because I was afraid he’d think I was trying to ask him for a date and freak out. The whole “he’s just not that into you” refrain was also going through my head which made me think if he wanted another round he would have asked for my number.

So what should I do next time I find myself (God willing!) in such a situation? (I’m sure somebody could psychoanalyze why I’m ok with seeking out a little bit of, um, pain the bedroom but not willing to risk it outside but let’s just save that for another day, shall we?)

Chaco says,

Sweetie, I am engaged now, but if I had met you in my single days, I would have thought I had won the player’s lottery. Why can’t there be more women like you!?

Beyond that, let’s talk about why you are ok with seeking out a little bit of, um, pain the bedroom but not willing to risk it outside. :) There are two possibilities:

1. Assuming you are a submissive (the pleasurable pain was administered to you, not vice versa). As a submissive, you want the man to take charge, both in the bedroom and in life. You probably didn’t drag this man home, you made yourself available and he had some game and confidently acted on your subtle female style hints to pick you up and then give you the sexy pain you wanted. As such, it is perfectly consistent that you would want him to ask for your number, since you feel more comfortable following the lead of a dominant man.

2. If you are actually a dom and you adminstered the pain to him, but then lacked the guts to ask for his number, then you have split between your sex life and your other life. In bed you seek to dominte; in life you prefer a more submissve role. It’s not uncommon in the BDSM world. Every interview I have ever read with a professional female dom discusses how many of her clients are high powered business executives by day, then whimpering slaves who beg to be whipped harder by night. As to what causes this…I have no fucking clue.

What to do next time, god willing, you find yourself having been picked up by a player who indulges your BDSM fantasies? Be an empowered woman and just ask for his number! If he is like DCB, he may not want to see a woman again who gives him kinky sex so quickly. But so what? It’s better to try than not. If he is like Chaco, he will gladly see you again BECAUSE you gave him kinky sex so quickly. Hey, some guys like to reward good bahvior…

Kathryn says,

I’d totally ask for the number next time around. Yes, there’s a chance he may not be interested, but if you’re about to jump out of his car, probably never to see him again, what’s the risk? If all you want is another go-round, just make that very clear. You could say, “So, if some time in the future I’m feeling horny and need to be tied up and whipped all night, could I call you?” (Or whatever suits your roles, of course.)

Because you never know - he may not have asked for the same reason you didn’t - morning-after shyness. You crazy S&M kids kill me. ;)

August 25, 2006

No sparks

Looking for a Spark writes,

I’ve been dating this guy sporadically for the past few months. (We seem to have dated for a few months 3 years ago, but then I moved overseas. I say ’seem to have dated’ because I thought we were just friends but found out later that he thought we were dating.)

I’m back now and we’ve seen each other maybe once every 2-3 weeks (he works killer hours, which is fine with me). He always insists on paying, so I assume he considers us to be dating, although he’s never made a move. He’s got a lot of great qualities, and we always have a good time when we hang out, but frankly there is absolutely no chemistry between us.

I know I’m not interested in anything more than a friendship, so I feel kinda bad that he’s always spending so much money taking me to trendy restaurants/cultural events around town. Now, he’s never tried to make a move or asked me where things stand, so maybe I should just enjoy his company and assume he’s doing the same with me.

But if I know I don’t want anything romantic with him, am I wrong to keep letting him take me out?

If so, what’s the best way to get out of this? I think saying, “you’re cool but we have no chemistry” is too harsh. I thought about telling him that I enjoy hanging out but am also seeing someone else (which is true), but another friend said that would be too hurtful.

We last hung out 2 weeks ago. Since then he has called twice and I haven’t returned his calls. Should I:

(a) not call back and let him catch the hint
(b) just keep hanging out with him until he makes a move then tell him i’m only want to be friends, or
(c) casually mention to him next time we hang out that i’m dating someone so that he knows where i’m coming from

Bottom line: He’s a great guy and doesn’t deserve to be dicked around. We also have a few mutual friends, who are always having get-togethers so it’s a given that we’ll bump into each other in the future. I wouldn’t want things to be awkward between us then.

Chaco says,

I am trying to decide if I should blast you with as much hate as DCB would. Let’s see, you say this is a great guy who doesn’t deserve to be dicked around, and you have been dicking him around for months anyway? Is this cool of you? No, sister, it’s not. But I can’t hate on you too badly, because, after all, this guy has been a complete sap, spending money on you while he waits for you to make the big move.

As for what to do, you could do what I once saw a girl in the Blue Room do. Go to a club with this guy and a few friends. Head to the bar and leave your friend behind for a few minutes and get chatted up by the players looking to pull that night. Invite the player you like the most to join you and your friends. Proceed to flirt with player very obviously, which will induce the player to start making out with you right in front of your friend. Continue making out with player all night while you ignore your friend. Very effective way of delivering the message. (You’ll just have to guess my involvement in this story, if any.)

Not nice enough, you say? Well as far as I am concerned, this is FAR nicer than wasting his money on “dates” while you actually sleep with another man.

But if you want a softer approach, be a grownup and TELL HIM how you feel. “I have been wanting to talk to you. I know you like to pay when we go out, but I feel strange because we are just friends and friends don’t usually pay for each other like this. I think maybe I should start to pay my own way now.” Yes, this may lead to an awkward conversation and hurt feelings, but it’s unavoidable. This is your punishment for wasting his money and leading him on for months.

Kathryn says,

First, I’m curious about the nature of your relationship before you went overseas. Was there any hooking up of any kind? If not, and he called that “dating,” then yes, you have to be concerned about his intentions and feelings now.

But if previously you kissed, etc. when you were “dating” and now he never makes any moves on you… well, then I’d say it’s possible he’s totally on the same page as you are, and just likes to treat on your nights out. So enjoy it.

I do think you should repay his kindness from time to time, though. If you offer to pay as Chaco described, and he’s cool with being friends but not with you treating, then I’d try and do something nice for him. Bake him cookies. Make him and some other friends dinner one night. But don’t take and take and take if this is could be a true friendship. Eventually, he’ll wise up, tire of it, and tire of you.

(You’ll notice I didn’t use your a, b, or c options. They all clearly assume he’s totally sweating you, and you’re the person who has to break a heart. I can’t agree that’s the case based on what you’ve told us.)

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August 24, 2006

Bow to your sensai

Cobra Kai writes,

In a similar vein to the office mate post, I have a small crush on my Sensai at jiu-jitsu class. He is my age, cute, smart, confident and a great instructor. I want him to throw me on my back on the mat. I am not sure but I think there is a vibe between us- it’s the way he looks at me, talks to me, etc. I only started class 3 weeks ago, though, so I am not certain. Also, I am not sure if he would even date a student- he takes the whole martial arts thing pretty seriously.

I should also mention that I don’t know much about his personality. While he is a good teacher, he could be boring or a douche. This is why I define my crush as “small”- I don’t know him well enough to see if we would click.

Needless to say, I am interested in finding out. How do I get him to ask me out without being too forward?

Home Improvement Ninja says,

Okay, well first you need to understand the concept of “field position”. I’ll tell you the story of how I first became aware of this concept. My friend Crowballs (yes, that’s his real nickmane), had a brother who was not tall, good looking, muscular, or rich. He also had the personality of soup. We’ll call him CB, even though his name is Mike. Anyway, the only way it would be possible for to CB date more attractive girls in his college years than he did would be if he worked his way through school making porn. So what was his secret? Field position! You see, CB went to FIT (Fashion Institute of Technology) a two year school for people who want to work in fashion. He got laid so much, that he stretched it out to four years. This is how CB explained his concept of field position to me:

CB: You know how during a football game when the wide receiver is way open and there is no one near him, and he’s right by the endzone and you KNOW the guy is gonna’ score unless he’s a total retard? Well I’m THAT guy, man.

Ninja: You’re the retard?

CB: No…the wide receiver with the awesome field position. I go to FIT, which is 90% women and 9% gay men. Every class I go to there’s 40 women, a few gays, a fat guy who sweats a lot—and ME. So if these women want to get laid, they either have to date me, the fat guy or go buy a vibrator.

Coincidentally, vibrator manufacturers reported record-breaking sales during the 4 years that CB attended FIT.

You are now THAT guy. You’re probably one of the only girls in that class full of men and you’re worrying about getting noticed? You have a uterus–all you have to do to get noticed in a karate class is to show up. Your odds of getting a date in a karate class are better than Jake Gyllenhaal’s odds of getting gang raped in a Turkish prison.

Why don’t you wear a tank top under your karate uniform instead of a t-shirt so you accentuate your breasticles. Then show up early for class (or stay late) and just talk about regular stuff. I’m sure when he’s not doing jiu jitsu he’s a normal person. “Oh you like banal music? Me too…I’m going to see a[n overrated] band this weekend, you should come.” If you think he’s flirting with you, he probably is. Make your move, Tex!

As an aside, you mentioned your jiu jitsu teacher is attractive. I find this hard to believe since it’s common knowledge the best looking (and smartest) martial artists practice Northern Eagle Claw Kung Fu. Jus’ sayin.

Kathryn says,

I’m sure it’s thrilling to be in close physical contact with a strong, powerful man in a position of authority. Plenty of women develop crushes on their teachers and instructors. And it’s perfectly normal to try and see if any interest exists on the other side.

However. You do need to consider whether or not you want to continue taking classes with this particular sensai, and whether or not you could do so if you were dating, or hooking up, or had a bad date, or one drunk make-out, or if you asked him out and he said no, etc. If the classes are more important to you than any potential action from the sensai, well, keep things as a small crush. At a minimum, you’ll stay motivated to keep up with your jiu jitsu, right?

August 23, 2006

The nice guy

Zaphod1983 writes,

Hi there!

I don’t know how many times you have come across this and if it makes you repeat yourself, sorry about that!

I’m a 23 year old guy, average to decent looks, good dress sense, swimming now 3 times a week, 5’10”, medium length hair that I guess could be called careful carelessness, great lips (or so I have been told several times, do other guys get this??), average size hands, could stand to lose a few pounds (which I am working on)

Im Indian but work in New York for a hedge fund and am on a short stint in London. I am out of a 5 year on-off, long distance relationship (I went to school in the US, she was in India). She was also 2 years older than I and we came to that point of time where she wanted other things (like a commitment) and I felt 23 is a bit young to get married and besides, I subconsciously didn’t want to marry her (we have different personalities…I love partying once a week but also like to laze around in bed, when im thinking, I can go very quiet which she felt was a communication problem…anyway, we had issues).

Now here’s the issue that I have been wrestling with –I’m the ‘friends’ guy…as in most of my friends are women…and I mean most! But the problem is none of them are attracted to me. And each time I have told I am attracted to them I’ve been told that I would “make a great boyfriend but….” I think I just start off as friends and by the time I work up the nerve to tell them, its too late and we are friends already. I hate that! It’s the worst feeling in the world to be friends with someone you fall for because then things get ruined for a bit…and then when they are back to normal she comes to you for boy-advice.

So that’s one thing. The other is meeting women. No, I don’t have too many issues meeting them…as in at a party I will talk to this girl and if I am genuinely interested, that does come across to her so she usually says yes if I ask if she wants to get a coffee later in the week…but then again, we are becoming friends rather than anything else I may want!

And since im spilling the beans right now, meeting women at parties is one thing but how do I approach a woman at a club…I don’t feel comfortable just picking this girl, randomly rubbing up against her in the euphemism of dancing aka grinding…besides, I wouldn’t want a relationship with a girl I met randomly rubbing up against her!

So yeah, I was attracted to this girl here in London…we went for impromptu drinks several times…last night before I hit the sack messaged her and she ended by saying, “I think you are fab. I am so glad we are friends”

Shoot me shoot me now, nice guys apparently don’t have a cut in the world

Chaco says,

Oh man, I feel your pain bro. Been there, had that problem. But I worked on myself and fixed the situation, so I feel qualified to comment.

In the game of pick up, there are two things you need: attraction and rapport. You are only getting rapport with the girls you meet, hence they want to be your friend, but you are not getting attraction. That is, you don’t make women hot for you. So how do you do that? Here are some tips.

1. Phsyical appearance. Maximize your looks by working out and getting in shape (lose the pounds, bro). Stlyish clothes and hair also make a huge difference in how your appearance is judged by women. For clothes, go to a cool club with your female friends and ask them to point out the best looking and best dressed men. Also look for the guys who have hot girls
hanging on their arms. That’s who you want to become, so model them. For hair, go to a gay hair salon and find a gay stylist. Tell him “do whatever you want, but make me fashionable as possible.” Trust me, just do it.

2. Social status. At your age, your socal status is not strictly determined by your professional standing, but more by your standing in your peer group. Are you a leader of the group? Do you set the agenda for what people do? Do the men in the group show you respect? Girls will pick up on your status very acutely, so you need to becomes a leader who commands respect. Don’t be the nice guy who goes along with everyone and allows himself to be the butt of jokes.

3. Your confidence. Girls admire confidence because confident guys succeed at what they do. They also love confident guys because they are often upbeat and fun to be around. Confident guys also invariably have high social status within their peer groups. Question for you: do you think you deserve the best women? If you don’t think you deserve them, they won’t either. How to be confident? Monitor your thinking and eliminate negativity from your self talk and replace with positive affirmations.

4. Your sexuality. Girls love sex. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Read Cosmo Magazine if you don’t believe me (seriously). Therefore, they like men who like sex and who go for it with confidence. Are you one of those types who worries that you might offend a girl if you try to kiss her too soon? Or, god help you, do you ask first before you kiss her? New rule for
you: end every first date with a kiss. Then try to get at least ‘one level’ further each subsequent date.

Oh man, I could write a book on this…but I wont. Read DCB’s book when he finishes it. In the meantime, get an ebook called “Secrets of the Alpha Male” by Carlos Xuma.

Kathryn says,

Oh, man. What Chaco said.

But I will add this: I think you’re too available to these women you like. Taking them out for drinks several times without any kind of romantic activity involved, texting them at all hours, letting them know you’re thinking of them… Women are often drawn to that kind of attention, and will in some ways indulge and encourage it because it makes them feel good, but they don’t always want to reciprocate. So play it a little cooler. Don’t text or call every time you feel the urge. Play those cards a little closer to the vest.

August 22, 2006

He cheated. I think.

H writes,

Hi. I dated an older guy throughout college, and just recently moved to DC to be nearer to him. First mistake.

While I don’t have any concrete evidence (names, etc.), I get the feeling that he was sleeping around a lot while he was up here by himself. No one who knows us both *says* anything directly, but there seem to be a lot of knowing winks and nods flying over my head when I talk to other people about him.

Now, this (if it’s true) never really impacted our relationship while we were long-distance. He called, he visited, he was cute around my friends, and he even came down for formals. But, then again, I was never aware of it then.

So, I guess my question is, presuming that I’ll never get proof that he was fooling around on an epic scale, am I justified in confronting him? Or does the fact that I’m having these doubts in the first place mean I should probably break things off? Or do I just go on as if nothing happened?

Thanks.

Circle V says,

Well, if you were “dating” exclusively (i.e. he was your boyfriend) while you were in college, then you have more of a right to confront him than if you were just plain ol’ dating (PS if you never talked to him about it, then it’s the latter).

Anyway, I am pretty sure (as you seem to be, too) that you’re either going to have to confront him or dump him because you just can’t trust him anymore. And, as we all know, trust is THE numero uno necessity in every relationship.

So before you confront him (because I am pretty sure you will, I mean, you moved here for this brotha and you think he’s been foolin around), you need to look real long and hard at what exactly is going on in this relationship and what you actually want out of it. The nice thing about these messy confrontations is that they give both people an excuse to get out of the relationship if they were too chicken shit to do it in the first place. This means you really need to listen to what he says and how he says it. You also need to be careful to NOT make this confrontation about your bruised ego, but rather, why you don’t trust him and how you can fix it (or not). Now, if he denies that he ever cheated, you need to talk to him about why you are suspicious and how you are having doubts (I’m assuming this isn’t the only issue in relationship you’d like to bring up).

And, as an aside, I have never heard anyone say, “I wish I hadn’t trusted my instincts on that one” so go with your gut as you probably already know what’s going on anyway, even if you don’t want to admit it.

Kathryn says,

The winks and nods people are making over your head are NOT good. They don’t necessarily have to mean cheating, though. Depending on how much older your boyfriend is and what his dating history has been, they could be laughing at his cradlerobbing ways, laughing at how he always seems to find tiny girls with giant breasts, laughing at how you look exactly like his last girlfriend, and so on. They could be talking about almost anything negative.

However, you immediately thought he was cheating. This means you must have other evidence or have felt things were not right in the past, whether or not it registered consciously. You are definitely allowed to confront him, and you are probably right to end it. How can you continue to date someone you can’t trust?

August 21, 2006

Counterpoint

Over the weekend, dmt wrote,

Your question about the acceptable level of female hair, and a recent personal experience has made me wonder what women are looking for in a male, hair wise. I’m not exactly a full-on forest, but its certainly bordering on bushiness. I know that trimming, shaving, whatever makes it look bigger, and easier for girls to go down. But I can’t help to imagine that I’ll look like a little boy without any hair. So whats the proper level of male hair?

Kathryn says,

I think men can DEFINITELY go too far with the trimming, leaving themselves looking like barely pubescent teenagers, or like they get a lot of action (or think they do), and are constantly prepared for all the bjs headed their way. Both are a turn-off, at least to me.

I think a safe rule of thumb is for men to trim, but not necessarily shave anything bald. Getting rid of any hair that bushes out along the shaft is ideal. And if your balls are super, super hairy, I’d trim that down, too.

But that’s just ONE woman’s opinion. What does everyone else think?

August 18, 2006

Wax off

Alternate title: Pubes Roundtable

regular girl writes,

i’m a regular mid-twenties dating girl (but no girly-girl to be sure). my question: what is the deal with waxing? recently i’ve been getting the impression from girlfriends that it is expected nowadays. have never gotten any complaints from boys. i tend to go au natural.. do guys really expect a good bikini wax (and do girls really willingly shell out the cash and pain that goes along with it), is a shave ok (possibly prickly from time to time), or does anyone really mind if you do only a trim every once in a while? this is so embarrassing to write — but its better than bringing it up in person. i know things are relative but i’m just looking for the norm i suppose…

thanks!

Kathryn says,

When I received this question, I knew I was woefully ill-equipped to respond. So I tapped the DC Male Bloggers’ Network, and received an overwhelming response. Apparently, a lot of men are more passionate about this than I would have thought. So, Regular Girl, you hit the advice jackpot. Enjoy.

Then, girl to girl, I just want to say that waxing hurts like hell, but gets easier every time. Don’t be afraid to go. My waxer told me there are plenty of women whose “bikini wax” is more like a “half leg wax.” So guaranteed they’ve seen worse than what you have. I’d recommend waxing for the bikini line, shaving for the, ah, “inner” or “more sensitive” areas on days you expect some action, and keeping what’s left nice and trim. Up to you which of those options you choose, of course. But do know that bluemercury has excellent waxers, and Tend Skin is the bikini line’s post-shave best friend.

Rock Creek Rambler says,

I don’t expect waxing, but I do expect some kind of trimming. Full bush is totally a turn off. Sides and lower regions should be shaved, and any remaining hair should be short. I usually can’t tell the difference between a girl who waxes and a girl who shaves.

Home Improvement Ninja says,

Women should ALWAYS “take care of their shit” (as we say in NYC). It is NEVER okay to go au naturel. EVER. No one has said anything before because they were so eager to get laid that they didn’t want to upset you. But I have seen some va-jay-jays that were au naturael and it wasn’t a pretty site. One time, this chick I was dating, who was “crunchy” and didn’t believe in non-natural products took off her underbloomers and BAM!!! I saw a forest down there that gave me Vietnam flashbacks (and I wasn’t even born ‘till after the war). I think there may have been a platoon of Viet Cong down there who didn’t even know the war was over. Jus’ sayin’.

Now if I was a freakishly hairy guy, which I’m not, I would at least do some “manscaping” so the girl I’m dating doesn’t end up with a pube sandwich ever time she “feels the wrath of the ninja twixt her nethers.” (That’s a euphemism for S-E-X, by the way.)

You can’t let a lawn grow without moving it. Trimming the hedges (i.e. mowing the grass that gets too long and shaving the parts that extend past the bikini line) is the least you could do. It’s common courtesy. So if I was grading this, this would be “C” on your report card.

Now if you want to get a “B” on your report card, then shave/wax outside the bikini line, trim everything above the little man in a canoe REALLY SHORT, and shave/wax every thing below it. It makes it easier to see “the feast of no calories.”

If you want an “A” , then shave/wax everything off—like a stripper or a porn star. Hey, is it getting’ hot in here?

As for shaving vs waxing. Waxing is definitely preferable. If you shave, it will itch when it starts to grow back and people will look at you funny on the metro when you are scratching your hoo-ha-dilly. BUT, sometimes between waxing, you gotta shave for touchups. The only thing you gotta watch out when shaving your Hoo Ha is the razor bumps. A stripper I knew (in the biblical sense) told me that as part of their Hoo Ha beautification regimen, they use some Visine on a q-tip to eliminate razor bumps. Their’s also some lotion that all those pole dancers use on their hoo has to keep it smooth and prevent bumps. I don’t know the name and can only identify it by smell. But you can probably find it in CVS. Ask for “Hoo Ha Lotion”.

Big Willie B. says,

Whatever. I don’t care. I’ve been camping in the woods with a girl for three or four days, and she hasn’t showered, much less shaved, and I still have sex with her and get in there. Whatever. As long as it’s not a forest down there, I’m fine.

El Guapo says,

Prickly? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. A cactus is prickly. Nothing about a woman should ever be prickly. I just wanted to get that out of the way first.

This is a touchy subject. Different men have different preferences. You can have a lot, have some, and have none. The most important thing for me is that you commit to one. You MUST commit. If you decide to have a lightning bolt down there, fine, just don’t let the prickly rain appear around it. If you’re going to be artistic, I shouldn’t have to guess what is going on down there. This area of your body is no place to show that you’re a fan of abstract art.

The “au naturel” is something that scares me a little bit. I once saw a woman who had this style. It looked as if spiders were trying to escape through her underwear. I don’t wish to discuss this any further. The memories are too much.

Remember, when a man sees your “place” they should hear:

Hello
How are you?
It’s ok. Don’t be scared. Hang out for a bit. Come closer.
Let’s get to know one another. See? Nice, isn’t it?

We tend to get disoriented if “too much” is going on down there.

Now, you didn’t mention this in your letter, but I’ll bring it up anyway. The Brazilians are geniuses. Remember that when you ask yourself the question of whether you should have hair in the back or not. There should never be anything back there. This, I promise you, is universal. Even if you don’t plan on doing anything back there it should still be bare. It’s like the guest soap in your home. You never use it, but you want it to look nice.

Mike says,

I believe most guys think about pubes the same way they think about boobs. There are three types. 1) very small, 2) very big, 3) something in the middle. Boobs too small aren’t a big deal as it usually comes with a good body. A huge rack is a novelty and can sometimes be quite fun. Everything in between won’t become a conversation when guys sit down for sandwiches on the weekend. The question every guy asks when faced with one of these 3 is, “are these the boobs i want to date?” Usually (but not always), if you’re #2, the answer is no, and if you’re #1 - maybe, and #3 - yes.

The hair issue is the the same - 1) bald, 2) a forest, 3) everything in between. Bald is fine but comes with it some concerns: too much like a little girl; is this woman a total slut? A forest is exactly like big boobs: can be fun and usually makes for a good story, but at the end of the day they’re a hassle and look bad more often than they look good. Stick with #3. Oh, and most men don’t care at all between waxing and shaving.

Bottom line: Better the men focus on you and not the pubes.

WiBber says,

At the risk of a somewhat unfortunate pun, it’s a matter of taste (I know, I know, and I’m sorry, but how else would you put it?). To a large extent, i think there is a broad enough range of opinion that the important thing is what you like. If you’re comfortable with a certain look, then that should really settle the matter. Comfortable girl = confident girl = sexy girl, and we likey the sexy girl.

To a large extent, I think there is a broad enough range of opinion that the important thing is what you like. As a guy (a non-player one, anyway), I can say that just getting into a situation that would require an opinion on the matter, as it were, probably means that whatever is there is going to be just fine. Barring any appearances of poor hygiene, of course.

A long time ago, in the early days of Comedy Central, I remember a comic who made a comment about not understanding men who complain about having to wear a condom during sex. He said, and I’m paraphrasing a little, “I don’t care if I have to wear scuba gear, clown shoes and a viking helmet, as long as I’m getting a piece.” I think it would largely apply here as well. You may
get a lot of strong feedback on this, but if forced to choose between something that looks a little different from what you see in magazines and having to stick to magazines instead, then I’d imagine tangible girls win in a landslide.

So as Digital Underground is wont to suggest: Doowutchyalike. (And just grab him in the biscuits. Whatever that means.)

I-66 says,

I personally don’t have any expectations when it comes to that. Every girl has her own preferences and far be it from me to dictate what she should and should not do. That said, if I had my way I’d like to see at least a trimming if not a waxing (not necessarily a Brazilian, mind you) just because it will make me more likely to venture down in that direction. I know there are women out there who are particular about the state of their guy’s hair when it comes to oral and men can be the same. Nobody wants a mouthful of hair.

Really it’s up to you. I don’t think there are many (if any) guys who would stop whatever they were doing with a girl just because she hadn’t trimmed or waxed or anything. It’s about you feeling comfortable with whatever you choose to do, but if you ask me what I like, I’d say at least a trim to keep things neat.

And then, last but absolutely NOT least, The Playaz say,

Phil: I’m glad you sought our advice as we know much about the subject, and who better than the Playaz to chime in on this subject that seems to be on the forefront of Washington DC’s female population? What do you think guys?

Bon: As men of excess, I would say we like our bush the same way. Wild, untamed, and all enveloping.

The Guv’na: I think it goes without saying that The Guv’na likes it thick and coarse.

Phil: I tend to agree. We no doubt like an unkempt bush, as evidenced by our current lawsuit filed against us in the Isle of Palms for untamed shrubbery growth (real lawsuit).

Wayne: While I fully endorse the Playaz party line, individually, I prefer nice, neat growth, regularly maintained. The unkempt growth reminds me of that email with the middle eastern woman whose lower torso was covereved with hair. I do not wish to feel as if I’m making love to Kenny Rogers’ beard (not that that’s necessarily a bad thing). Plus, just as our untamed shrubbery blocks the access of ocean breezes to our neighbor, shouldn’t also a woman’s private area have the right to ‘breathe’ and enjoy the air?

Phil: Are you saying we’re in the wrong for having an unkempt bush?

Wayne: No. I’m only talking about from the perspective of pubic hair, not the shrubbery.

Phil: I see. Tac?

Tac: As long as it’s a woman, and she has a vagina I don’t care.

Phil: So, the answer here regular girl is “diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks”. Some Playaz prefer a large mane of pubic hair, others like well groomed. Needless to say, I personally do not prefer the “completely barren” landscape. It’s a fad from the porn-world. And I prefer porn the natural, old-fashioned way, with Seka and Ginger Lynn and Veronica Hart. So what’s the norm? There probably is no norm. Just ask your guy. It sounds embarrassing, but trust me he will love you for it. He may even offer to help “groom” you.

August 17, 2006

Office Crush

Desk Jockette writes,

I like this guy at my office. I think he likes me too because he emails me and we joke around and he kind of flirts with me if we run into each other. I want to get him to ask me out but I don’t know how to do it so that if he says no its weird at work because I have to see him a lot. What can I do?

Kathryn says,

There is no graceful way to hint around for someone to ask you out, so don’t bother. However, I wouldn’t recommend coming right out and asking him for a date, either, since you are concerned about things being awkward at work. If you were sure he liked you (I’m not convinced you are), that would be a different story. Instead, you need to fly under the radar.

Why not ask a few of your cooler coworkers, him included, to get together for happy hour after work one day? Try and pick a really convenient, close-by bar, particularly one you know he likes or that he might like. If he’s even remotely interested in you, he’ll join in.

Next step: see how he behaves away from the office. If you guys are clicking, say you’re hungry and ask if he’d like to eat some dinner (even easier if you can eat at the bar). Others may join in, but it’s usually a smaller group by then, which is good.

Even if you don’t eat dinner, the end of the night will be crucial. Try to walk to the metro together, or maybe one of you can give the other a ride home. Once you are “suddenly and coincidentally” alone, just see what happens. You should know if there’s flirting or not. And, as you part company, mention doing this again some time soon, and see what he says. If he’s not interested, I don’t think it will be awkward the next day. Good luck.

DCB says,

DO NOT CHASE A GUY. EVER. NEVER EVER. I’ve never known a girl who chased a guy and ended up getting what she wanted. By chasing a guy you are effectively screening for beta males.

You talk to him right? You maintain eye contact? You drop hints that you like going out? You laugh at his lame jokes? If you are doing these things then you are doing more than enough to get this guy’s attention. You want the guy who makes a bold move because the more risk he takes, the more investment he has in you. Of course me and buddies say that we like it when girls approach us, but we take them a lot less seriously, and her obvious interest just encourages shady ‘get her in bed quick’ behavior.

Kathryn’s advice lessens this risk that he has to take on you and therefore his investment on you. Not a good way to start a new relationship. If you want to just have sex with him then by all means go to his office wearing a slutty outfit while bending over to pick up some paper clips. Otherwise, do nothing. He shouldn’t need encouragement.

More: How to pick up a goth girl

August 16, 2006

Ho or no?

DC Nectarine writes,

I have a general question here.

I’ve always been raised to respect women, treat them courteously and not call them bitches or hos. Similarly, I’ve always assumed that when any girl expressed interest in me, they were usually interested in a relationship so I never tried to pressure them into sex or made moves on them.

However, in the past few years, I’ve come across quite a few women who’ve shown interest in me but, to my surprise, it was just to hookup. Hooking up or FWB or ONS is fine with me — I don’t pretend to believe that women don’t have their own sexual needs — but now I’m having a hard time deciphering which girls just want to play around and which girls are interested in the relationship.

How can I avoid this conundrum where either (A) I’m too sexually aggressive on a “good” girl — basically treating her as a slut OR (B) I’m too respectful with a girl who just wants some action and we both go home “blueballed.”

It’d be easier if girls would just be straightforward about what they wanted but instead they all play this social charade to avoid being perceived as slutty.

RCR says,

First, let me commend you on not calling women “bitches” or “hos.” If only all young people could be so courteous. Starting with B, you should always make the move. Even the “good” girls are going to be okay with a kiss if they’re into you. From this point forward, just follow her signals. Which brings us to A: you shouldn’t be sexually aggressive, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be sexually progressive. During the hookup, move slowly from step to step, taking it a level of “intimacy” each time. For example, starting with outside of the clothes petting, to up the shirt, to down the pants, etc… Let your hand suggest its next move, and make that move slowly. It’s no secret that men are horny bastards. She’ll realize what you’re attempting to do, and establish her boundaries by either letting you continue or stopping you. Once you’ve been stopped, then the boundary is set - that is as far as the girl wants to go with you that night. If you move no further, you can rest assured knowing that you gave it the old college try, and that she’s not going to think that you were too aggressive. The point is that you can make the move while being respectful. Now if she doesn’t stop you - ever - then you’ve probably found your play date for the evening. Bang away.

The caveat here is that this only works with conscious girls who are not under the effect of a date rape drug.

Kathryn says,

Sure, there are some girls who are playing the “I don’t want to be seen as a slut” game. Plenty of them, in fact. But just as common is the situation where the normally slutty girl isn’t feeling you, or the normally good girl is really feeling you and wants to get a little wild. So what to do?

First, try to go as far as you’d like. She’ll stop you if she doesn’t want to do it. Be persistent, but not insistent.

Second, try to work on understanding the clues other people give you. I’m concerned this is difficult for you. You said, “I always assumed that when any girl expressed interest in me, they were usually interested in a relationship so I never tried to pressure them into sex or made moves on them.” I’m glad you aren’t in the habit of pressuring women for sex… but you don’t make moves on girls who are interested in you?? Not sure if you’re aware, but sex/sexual activity is generally part of most relationships. You don’t have to get it on right away, but with most people, it does happen eventually. Making a move is usually part of the courting process. You just need to pay attention to when the other person is ready for each step.

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