Hi. I dated an older guy throughout college, and just recently moved to DC to be nearer to him. First mistake.
While I don’t have any concrete evidence (names, etc.), I get the feeling that he was sleeping around a lot while he was up here by himself. No one who knows us both *says* anything directly, but there seem to be a lot of knowing winks and nods flying over my head when I talk to other people about him.
Now, this (if it’s true) never really impacted our relationship while we were long-distance. He called, he visited, he was cute around my friends, and he even came down for formals. But, then again, I was never aware of it then.
So, I guess my question is, presuming that I’ll never get proof that he was fooling around on an epic scale, am I justified in confronting him? Or does the fact that I’m having these doubts in the first place mean I should probably break things off? Or do I just go on as if nothing happened?
Well, if you were “dating” exclusively (i.e. he was your boyfriend) while you were in college, then you have more of a right to confront him than if you were just plain ol’ dating (PS if you never talked to him about it, then it’s the latter).
Anyway, I am pretty sure (as you seem to be, too) that you’re either going to have to confront him or dump him because you just can’t trust him anymore. And, as we all know, trust is THE numero uno necessity in every relationship.
So before you confront him (because I am pretty sure you will, I mean, you moved here for this brotha and you think he’s been foolin around), you need to look real long and hard at what exactly is going on in this relationship and what you actually want out of it. The nice thing about these messy confrontations is that they give both people an excuse to get out of the relationship if they were too chicken shit to do it in the first place. This means you really need to listen to what he says and how he says it. You also need to be careful to NOT make this confrontation about your bruised ego, but rather, why you don’t trust him and how you can fix it (or not). Now, if he denies that he ever cheated, you need to talk to him about why you are suspicious and how you are having doubts (I’m assuming this isn’t the only issue in relationship you’d like to bring up).
And, as an aside, I have never heard anyone say, “I wish I hadn’t trusted my instincts on that one” so go with your gut as you probably already know what’s going on anyway, even if you don’t want to admit it.
Kathryn says,
The winks and nods people are making over your head are NOT good. They don’t necessarily have to mean cheating, though. Depending on how much older your boyfriend is and what his dating history has been, they could be laughing at his cradlerobbing ways, laughing at how he always seems to find tiny girls with giant breasts, laughing at how you look exactly like his last girlfriend, and so on. They could be talking about almost anything negative.
However, you immediately thought he was cheating. This means you must have other evidence or have felt things were not right in the past, whether or not it registered consciously. You are definitely allowed to confront him, and you are probably right to end it. How can you continue to date someone you can’t trust?
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While I would never accuse anyone of cheating without any real evidence to back it up, I would go with your gut instinct. Maybe it’s not necessarily cheating, but some other thing that makes you not trust him entirely. Spend a little more time trying to figure what the root issue is? If you keep getting back to “he might be cheating”, then he possibly is.
Comment by nabeel on 08/22/06.
You seem to immediately assume he was cheating…any chance YOU were cheating as well???
Comment by anon on 08/22/06.
Nope. Not in the least.
Comment by H. on 08/22/06.
70% of relationships cheat. The other 30% spend their evenings jacking off to porn.
Comment by Anonymous on 08/22/06.
I don’t know how good “confronting” him will do. I’ve never seen a man that has been confronted by a woman just “fess up” or “spill his guts” about whatever shady stuff he’s been doing. It’s usually more of a duck and weave pattern, so you never really get the answers you’re looking for anyways.
That said, if you do confront him, have a clear idea of how you want the conversation to go, and what action you will take with each outcome. For instance, if all he does is deny and say “you’re crazy”, then you will do/say _______. If he says yes, he made out with one girl and she meant nothing, then you will do/say ________. Etc. And then stick you your convictions. Good luck!
indeed, your gut is usually right. in my experience, the people who nod and wink, well they probably have firsthand knowledge or something to do with it. as such they’ll never actually fess up, and neither will your boy without concrete evidence to nail him. your trust has been breached, either by the snickeriness of these nodders and winkers (his friends?) or the underlying lack of reassurance from him. so whatever it was, a meaningless kiss or some emotional connection he found with someone else, this will drive you crazy for the rest of your relationship. so think about all the things you’ve done for this guy and what you’ve gotten in return? you probably deserve way better.
The fact that it was long distance speaks volumes about where the relationship was.
Comment by Stephen on 08/22/06.
Why waste your time with someone who you don’t trust completely? Our instincts are rarely wrong. Something is amiss and you’d be foolish to ignore it. Having a “discussion” with him will do nothing to rectify the situation; he’ll either confess (in which case you’ll definitely break up) or he’ll deny, but that will certainly drive a wedge between you two. It’s a lose-lose situation. You’re young and there is no reason to spend time in a relationship that causes feelings of doubt, confusion, inadequacy, etc. In short, jump ship.
Furthermore, his behavior during the long distance relationship should not be used as a defense against the idea of his cheating. All he has to do is act all into you for the few days he spends with you a month. Call you enough to make you happy when he’s away. Have passionate sex with you when he sees you to keep your emotions on a rope. Act like the world’s best boyfriend around your friends to keep up appearances/save face. But the rest of the time, when he was here and you were at college…well lets just say…when the cat’s away, the mice come out to play. Harsh, but the sooner you face up to the facade of this relationship, the sooner you can move on.
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