I live in a rather large (100+ units) building. There are a couple women in my building which I run into on an infrequent basis on the elevator. We have the general 15-20 seconds of elevator small talk, but that’s about it. Both women seem to be interested, but they may also just be acting friendly.
The question for you both is what is the proper protocol for asking someone out in this situation? How many times should we run into each other before I ask? Would an invitation for a drink at my place be too forward, even though it would seem to make sense since we live in the same building?
Thanks in advance.
DCB says,
I don’t think length of time is as big a determining factor in asking a woman out as the level of intensity. During your 20 seconds of small talk, do you feel them giving off any vibe at all? Do they act the same around other tenants? If you are feeling a vibe and think they are interested, then you need to have a longer conversation where some leisure topics come up. Where does she drink? What happy hours does she go to? Then it’s just a matter of asking. Honestly I don’t know if asking for a drink at your place is a good idea or not. Even though you are a neighbor, I would imagine that girls would be careful about going into the apartment of someone they don’t really know, but then again I’ve never lived in an apartment complex.
If any of the women aren’t interested, then they will probably blow you off with something like, “Oh I don’t go out that much anymore,” or “Yeah I go out drinking with my BOYFRIEND.”
Kathryn says,
I have lived in apartment buildings for several years and try to be friendly with all of my neighbors, regardless of age or gender. On occasion, I’ve found myself flirting with cute guy neighbors, too. If I was single, and they asked me out, I’d probably have been very flattered and said yes. If not, it might have been marginally awkward in the future, but you seem to live in a large building and as you say, your encounters are never longer than 20 seconds, so the awkwardness would be infrequent and short-lived.
HOWEVER. I would absolutely not recommend you ask a woman to your apartment for a drink as the first “date.” Despite the convenience of the location, that implies you are only looking for an easy hook-up. Start with a local bar instead. After all, you’re guaranteed you’ll be going home with her anyway.
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Of course, “I don’t go out to bars” could also mean “I don’t go out to bars. Try asking me for coffee or dinner.” Not everyone enjoys the noise, smoke, crowd, and price of a bar.
Excellent advice from both DCB and Kathryn. Yes, find a way to extend the convo and bring up her social life. No, do not invite her to your place on a first date ever. Coffee is even safer than drinks.
You must realize that dating a nieghbor is often frowned on by both sexes, due to the awkwardness of dealing with the person post-date if things don’t work out, or worse, post-relationship. I know of hard core players who will go after any woman alive (single, engaged, married) but won’t touch coworkers or neighbors.
Finally, I am reading into this here, but once upon a time I had a very limited social life and no pick up game, thus the women I tended to meet were neighbors and coworkers only. If this is your situation, you need to expand your social life so you have more options.
Comment by Chaco on 08/15/06.
I’d say throw a party and see who shows up. Invite the floor / building, whatever is feasible. Obviously have a bunch of your own friends there, but no good looking men allowed, because you don’t want to ruin your chances. If they are interested, they will show. Worst case is that you meet other neighbors and have some friends over. It doesn’t have to be a huge bash - just 8-10 people if you want.
I say go for it. I live in a large complex right now and I see/shoot the shit with cute boys occasionally. But, it never goes further than that, although sometimes I wish it would…now I can see why. However, I run into them so sporadically that I doubt it would be very awkward in the future. That and I’m moving in two months. But if a guys gets up the balls to ask a stranger/neighbor for a drink, I would at least reward him by saying yes, even if I wasn’t initially attracted (assuming that he wasn’t a total dbag).
And if a guy quoted anchorman, even so far as to say, “I want to be on you,” I would agree to at least a drink at the corner pub.
Invite the girl(s) out for coffee and not to a bar or your apartment. If she says she has a boyfriend, say something cute in response like “just my luck” and don’t make a big deal out of it. This will flatter her and put her at ease with you. Always stay suave and cool and you will avoid akwardness in future meetings. Good luck!
I would say, “don’t soil your own nest”. What if you lose interest and you still have to live in the complex and see them all the time. It also encourages a “pop-in” situation since they have easy access to where you live. Don’t even think about trying to date both of them- they might know each other, or you could get spotted going home with one by the other. These are headaches I wouldn’t want. My long ago roommate dated our next door neighbor and it got really complicated.
I like Velvet’s idea of a party though. If you can handle the scenarios I outlined, then go for it.
If you think you have a chance, go for it! Although do ask her to go out for coffee or a drink. Inviting her back to your apt. is a little forward for a first meeting. Also, another thought: If things don’t work out with the girl in your building and you start dating someone else — you and your new girlfriend might spend a lot of time worrying that the three of you will get stuck in the elevator together. I know this from experience and it’s very uncomfortable!
Comment by OC on 08/15/06.
“I know of hard core players who will go after any woman alive (single, engaged, married) but won’t touch coworkers or neighbors.”
This is the best advice. Take it. From someone who made this mistake once.
Comment by Days of Broken Arrows on 08/15/06.
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