I’ve always been raised to respect women, treat them courteously and not call them bitches or hos. Similarly, I’ve always assumed that when any girl expressed interest in me, they were usually interested in a relationship so I never tried to pressure them into sex or made moves on them.
However, in the past few years, I’ve come across quite a few women who’ve shown interest in me but, to my surprise, it was just to hookup. Hooking up or FWB or ONS is fine with me — I don’t pretend to believe that women don’t have their own sexual needs — but now I’m having a hard time deciphering which girls just want to play around and which girls are interested in the relationship.
How can I avoid this conundrum where either (A) I’m too sexually aggressive on a “good” girl — basically treating her as a slut OR (B) I’m too respectful with a girl who just wants some action and we both go home “blueballed.”
It’d be easier if girls would just be straightforward about what they wanted but instead they all play this social charade to avoid being perceived as slutty.
First, let me commend you on not calling women “bitches” or “hos.” If only all young people could be so courteous. Starting with B, you should always make the move. Even the “good” girls are going to be okay with a kiss if they’re into you. From this point forward, just follow her signals. Which brings us to A: you shouldn’t be sexually aggressive, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be sexually progressive. During the hookup, move slowly from step to step, taking it a level of “intimacy” each time. For example, starting with outside of the clothes petting, to up the shirt, to down the pants, etc… Let your hand suggest its next move, and make that move slowly. It’s no secret that men are horny bastards. She’ll realize what you’re attempting to do, and establish her boundaries by either letting you continue or stopping you. Once you’ve been stopped, then the boundary is set - that is as far as the girl wants to go with you that night. If you move no further, you can rest assured knowing that you gave it the old college try, and that she’s not going to think that you were too aggressive. The point is that you can make the move while being respectful. Now if she doesn’t stop you - ever - then you’ve probably found your play date for the evening. Bang away.
The caveat here is that this only works with conscious girls who are not under the effect of a date rape drug.
Kathryn says,
Sure, there are some girls who are playing the “I don’t want to be seen as a slut” game. Plenty of them, in fact. But just as common is the situation where the normally slutty girl isn’t feeling you, or the normally good girl is really feeling you and wants to get a little wild. So what to do?
First, try to go as far as you’d like. She’ll stop you if she doesn’t want to do it. Be persistent, but not insistent.
Second, try to work on understanding the clues other people give you. I’m concerned this is difficult for you. You said, “I always assumed that when any girl expressed interest in me, they were usually interested in a relationship so I never tried to pressure them into sex or made moves on them.” I’m glad you aren’t in the habit of pressuring women for sex… but you don’t make moves on girls who are interested in you?? Not sure if you’re aware, but sex/sexual activity is generally part of most relationships. You don’t have to get it on right away, but with most people, it does happen eventually. Making a move is usually part of the courting process. You just need to pay attention to when the other person is ready for each step.
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Oh how I fear this man is doomed to be “a nice guy” forever! The safest rule of thumb for any girl, whether she wants a relationship or a quickie, is to assume she is desperately horny and craves porn style sex. You will find this is actually true 99.9% of the time, although different women will have different time frames for letting you get to the full porn star action. Most modern Cosmo girls are comfortable having sex with a man they like within 5 dates. Some conversative girls take far longer, but they are the exception in DC.
As for your question, usually you know if a woman wants a relationship by how long she makes you wait. It may sees paradoxical, but the faster you get it, the less likely the relationship. If you get it instantly, you are usually with a girl who sees you as ONS material. If she makes you wait 3-5 dates, you are with a girl who sees you as relatonship material. If you go past 6 dates and never progress beyond a kiss goodnight, you are with a woman who sees you as sucker material and wants to spend all your money on nice dinners while she sleeps with other men.
Comment by Chaco on 08/16/06.
Addendum: It’s good you don’t call girls bitches, but if you call your girlfriend “a sexy bitch” when she is strutting her stuff on the dance floor, she’ll make you her pimp for a long time.
Comment by Chaco on 08/16/06.
ONS? Oncology Nursing Society?
Anyway, so if you’re a guy who takes things slow you’re pretty much SOL, huh?
Speaking as a guy, we don’t pick up hints well. As a gender we tend to need a clue-by-4 to the head.
I’m particularly awful at this. Above and beyond most men. One girl was interested in me, but she flirted with absolutely everybody so I didn’t think it meant anything. Finally she told me she loved me as she got up to turn in her final and vanished. I couldn’t find until after Christmas break and by then she was seeing someone. And then there’s the waitresses. Flirting or working for tips?
If I’m on a date with a man who doesn’t make a move, two thoughts enter my head…
a) He’s not interested. No problem, I’m not for everybody.
b) He’s a pussy, and I’m not attracted to pussies, so I’m not interested anymore.
Take RCR’s advice men. If you are interested, ALWAYS make the move. The girl will let you know the boundary.
ONS = one night stand. Ibid, don’t speak for our gender. Maybe YOU don’t pick up hints well. But the rest of us are out there like fucking satellite dishes. Work on that.
RCR, just because you won’t admit to being clueless doesn’t mean you aren’t. It just means you’re clueless about being clueless. It’s the people dropping the clues who get to judge.
There’s lots of people getting laid who have no clue. She can still hint about how she likes it, where she wants to eat, what she wants for Christmas, when you’re to propose, etc. that most guys miss.
Then again, there’s the women who drop hints that nobody but a telepath would ever pick up on and blame us for not understanding them.
Been doing it for years. Since ‘93 at least. Used to be a lot of people came to me for advice. Of course, that was relationship advice and not best-way-to-pump-and-dump advice.
The thing about hints/clues is that the only people who can see them are people who aren’t you.
