Ok, I’m pretty new to the dating scene (after geting out of a 10 yr. relationship about a yr ago). About a month ago, I meet this incredible girl at a party. Seemed like there was chemistry from the start. We start to date and things are going well. However, about a week into dating, she approaches me after a night out and tells me about this ex that she recently broke up with and is still dealing with the repercussions of it. I knew at the point I should have bailed, but I didn’t cause (honestly) I was probably blind. But it was mutual, she wanted to continue, so we did. Flash forward a few weeks later (after I leave for boston for a week), I get back and things are still going strong, but I felt like there was something she was holding back. I didn’t want to bring it up out of fear of knowing the answer.
Well, I keep my mouth shut and we continue. We go out last thursday for dinner, it’s going great, cuddling, kissing, feeding each other, all of the usually dating crap. The next day, we meet at a HH I was sponsoring with about 50 of my friends. She seems a little distant, but her being new to the area (she moved here from VA beach about 2 months ago) I thought it was just her wanting some space to meet people. Didn’t think too much into it. Also, she meets most of my friends and she continues to praise me, how cool I am and she’s happy with me. so I thought everything was cool.
We all leave the HH and go to some club, on the walk over we are holding hands and she pulls away, I go for hte hand again, and she turns to me and says “she isn’t feeling it”. I was pretty shocked. She goes into details of how she doesn;t have feelings for me and may have some left over feelings for this other guy (I was like, ok why you leave the guy 200 miles away then). Also, she is basically dumping me while hugging and kissing me. At the end, she jets to the club and leaves me on the corner. I was like, screw that, I went to the club and chilled out. We ignored each other for a good hour, then started to dance and hold each. Then she just disappeared.
I text her aksing to left me know she got home, then in a drunken stupor, I text her again, basically bitching her out (nothign too bad, just something about being disappointed in her). The next day, I text her asking her to call to talk. Haven’t heard from her since.
Now, I know it was short lived (a month), but it pretty hot and odvious chemistry. I’m cool wiht why she did it, not where and how she did it. So I guess my question is, what’s my move? I have a HUGE urge to call her, but not sure if it’s a good idea. What do you think I should do? Let it go? Call her? etc.
Also, why the hells was she flriting with me at the club after she just dumped me.
Your thoughts.
Confused!
Sally says,
This girl is 100% looney tunes and you need to stay away. It’s a shame that your re-entry into dating was marked by such a confusing - ok, I’ll say it, immature - interaction, but you shouldn’t let that stop you.
I’m assuming you’re at least 28-30, and that means I can tell you that you are way too old to put up with shit like this girl was pulling. Are you a man, or a puppy being pulled along on a leash?
It sounds like she has no idea what she wants or how to go about getting it, so why do you want to waste your time? Unless she has nipples that dispense beer, you need to chunk deuce and tell her you’re out. Delete her phone number from your cell phone, do not contact her and don’t return her calls. Also, there’s plenty of horny single ladies in this city, and if you just got out of a 10-year relationship you need to sample the buffet table before committing to another entree.
Kathryn says,
I think this girl is almost as dumb as you are. She plays games (poorly!) and you keep coming back for more. Sigh. You should not contact her, but instead find a new lady.
And, because I’m feeling generous, here are a few things you should NOT do in the future with other ladies:
1. Excessive texting, ESPECIALLY texting a girl to ask her to call you. Just call her.
2. Following girls who’ve just blown you off to clubs, pretending to ignore them, then gratefully dancing with them when they finally pay attention to you.
3. Sacrificing sane, normal human interaction for the sake of “chemistry.” Trust me, you will have chemistry with women who are actually worth your time.
That is all for now.
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That she was dealing with a breakup of her own was important information. Think back about a year to your own breakup. It left you pretty messed up for awhile there. Thoughts of you kept haunting you even though you knew that you broke up for damn good reasons. This other girl is going through something similar. She probably shouldn’t have been dating so soon after her breakup. Maybe she was into you, maybe she defines herself by who she’s dating, maybe she needed to date someone to override the feeling of worthlessness she got when her last relationship didn’t work out, aaaaand maybe she’s just bat shit crazy. The break is recent enough that he’s still on her mind and she hasn’t gotten over her feelings for him. She knows it’s over, but her head isn’t doing the thinking.
Part of you is going to tell you to be patient, support her, give her time to recover and de-crazy a bit, and then you’ll not only be there for her when she recovers but you’ll be the guy who was there for her and recipient of her eternal gratitude. When this happens I’ll let you ride off to your honeymoon on the pigs flying out of my ass.
What the ladies is saying is probably the way to go. If you’re like 95% (an arbitrary high number) of people then you’ll find someone else with chemistry and have a go.
Me? If I find someone with whom I have chemistry and they don’t violate any of my dealbreakers then I’m gonna stick with them long past when common sense says let go. I mean you’ll have to burn the words “GIVE UP” on a clue-by-4, beat me with it, and probably break both legs just for good measure.
But if you’re better looking than I, taller, and better with the ladies then pawn this one off on a friend and find someone else.
Hmmm . . . I don’t have the whole context, but maybe she wanted to have sex with you (or continue having sex with you) without the emotional attachments of a relationship and was too confused/embarrassed to try to communicate that straight out. She was saying she didn’t have feelings for you, while kissing you - no-strings sex seems to be how that adds up to me. She could just be looney, but I remember breaking up with someone when I was younger, because I wanted a lover and he wanted a girlfriend and I was too embarrassed and inexperienced to be upfront about it. So, I know it happens.
Comment by F on 08/01/06.
Was she 22? It sounds like it…
Rule number 4… don’t date them if they were born after 1982.
I know this is a big generalization (that often is proved wrong), but 24 should be when they are a couple years removed from college and should be a wee bit more mature at a minimum.
I went out with several girls 20-22 in the past few years and decided no more.
On the other hand, if she is, say… 27, then run. Run like the Georgia peach breeze, and don’t look back.
Sally says it all, and Kathryn’s #3 sums it up nicely.
Comment by Anonymous on 08/01/06.
She’s immature, confused and behaving like a flake. Move on, don’t initiate any contact and certainly don’t respond to her attempts to contact you.
Comment by Jada on 08/01/06.
okay this girl does not know what she wants and that’s the bottom line. i think you haven’t gotten her yet, she’s not hooked on you, she’s still unsure, and things were moving too fast. she then chose to run away and when alcohol was involved she became more touchy b/c she was having fun and does like you. she is NOT CRAZY…and neither are you. if you want to talk to her again, give her space, call in a month and suggest getting coffee or drinks. see where she is at then. don’t email or text, CALL.
Comment by jenny on 08/01/06.
Dignity dictates that you can’t attempt to contact her again. Move on. As for your chemistry, after 10 years with the same girl you probably would have felt the same chemistry with a goat.
forget her. never talk to her again. she is crazy. if she went crazy over something as small as an ex boyfriend, then u know she isn’t worth it. imagine what she would do if something that was actually a big deal (death in the family, loss of job, etc.) happened. consider yourself lucky that she showed you how crazy she was earlier rather than a year from now.
Comment by Anonymous on 08/01/06.
kathryn is so right, don’t text when you can call, esp if it’s about calling! ya and move on…you already spent 10 years in one that didn’t work why do the drama for even a month. it shouldn’t - and isn’t that hard when it’s right. i just got outta a 6 year myself. you may have been out of the scene for a while, but nothing has really changed, keep your cool and know that you deserve a normal partner AND hot sex!
