Lovestupid
Member of the Sisterhood writes,
I have found out the guy I am dating is still seeing the girl he told me he broke up with. At one point, I was even almost a friend of this girl, but I haven’t talked to her in about a year and a half.
I am really saddened and upset to discover that he’s still seeing her. I can’t say I’m shocked because my gut felt something wasn’t right. But that’s not my issue. I plan to end it. (Unless DCB can give me a good, valid reason why he’s still seeing her and lying to me. I can come up with 100 reasons but my gut says he’s just a pig.)
Question: Do I tell her? She is oblivious about me. I don’t think it’s right for her to continue in a relationship (going on three years) with a man who has clearly cheated on her — repeatedly — who has even talked meanly about her. He doesn’t deserve any woman. Am I in the right place to say something?
Kathryn says,
I was once in your shoes. I thought I was a guy’s only girlfriend… then discovered he had a “main” girlfriend who lived out of state. He’d cheated on her for almost their whole relationship. She was 32 at the time; he and I were 26. She’d been waiting for him for five years.
I broke up with him, of course, but had her name and phone number and couldn’t decide if I should give her the chance to break up with him, too. I didn’t know what to do or how she’d react. Finally, I just called her. I explained who I was, how I got her number, and told her about the women who came before me. I also told her there was at least one other woman on the side, and that it was impossible to know how many others there had been over the years. I told her we had practiced safe sex, but didn’t know about what he’d done with others. I emphasized that I didn’t want to hurt her, but wanted her to know what I’d discovered, and to give her a chance to protect her health.
She thanked me. And dumped him permanently five minutes later. I highly recommend you give this woman the same opportunity. I have a feeling she’ll be grateful.
DCB says,
You don’t think she already knows? I think interfering with his other women goes beyond the scope of your casual relationship (it doesn’t sound like you two were that serious). If you want to get him back and show him that he really has affected you, then go right ahead and tell her, but I doubt she will be surprised or welcome your words with open arms. I think it’s time to start the healing process where you get over him by having a one-night stand with a random guy you meet in a club. Kathryn’s situation is probably an exception.
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