I’ve been dating this guy sporadically for the past few months. (We seem to have dated for a few months 3 years ago, but then I moved overseas. I say ’seem to have dated’ because I thought we were just friends but found out later that he thought we were dating.)
I’m back now and we’ve seen each other maybe once every 2-3 weeks (he works killer hours, which is fine with me). He always insists on paying, so I assume he considers us to be dating, although he’s never made a move. He’s got a lot of great qualities, and we always have a good time when we hang out, but frankly there is absolutely no chemistry between us.
I know I’m not interested in anything more than a friendship, so I feel kinda bad that he’s always spending so much money taking me to trendy restaurants/cultural events around town. Now, he’s never tried to make a move or asked me where things stand, so maybe I should just enjoy his company and assume he’s doing the same with me.
But if I know I don’t want anything romantic with him, am I wrong to keep letting him take me out?
If so, what’s the best way to get out of this? I think saying, “you’re cool but we have no chemistry” is too harsh. I thought about telling him that I enjoy hanging out but am also seeing someone else (which is true), but another friend said that would be too hurtful.
We last hung out 2 weeks ago. Since then he has called twice and I haven’t returned his calls. Should I:
(a) not call back and let him catch the hint
(b) just keep hanging out with him until he makes a move then tell him i’m only want to be friends, or
(c) casually mention to him next time we hang out that i’m dating someone so that he knows where i’m coming from
Bottom line: He’s a great guy and doesn’t deserve to be dicked around. We also have a few mutual friends, who are always having get-togethers so it’s a given that we’ll bump into each other in the future. I wouldn’t want things to be awkward between us then.
Chaco says,
I am trying to decide if I should blast you with as much hate as DCB would. Let’s see, you say this is a great guy who doesn’t deserve to be dicked around, and you have been dicking him around for months anyway? Is this cool of you? No, sister, it’s not. But I can’t hate on you too badly, because, after all, this guy has been a complete sap, spending money on you while he waits for you to make the big move.
As for what to do, you could do what I once saw a girl in the Blue Room do. Go to a club with this guy and a few friends. Head to the bar and leave your friend behind for a few minutes and get chatted up by the players looking to pull that night. Invite the player you like the most to join you and your friends. Proceed to flirt with player very obviously, which will induce the player to start making out with you right in front of your friend. Continue making out with player all night while you ignore your friend. Very effective way of delivering the message. (You’ll just have to guess my involvement in this story, if any.)
Not nice enough, you say? Well as far as I am concerned, this is FAR nicer than wasting his money on “dates” while you actually sleep with another man.
But if you want a softer approach, be a grownup and TELL HIM how you feel. “I have been wanting to talk to you. I know you like to pay when we go out, but I feel strange because we are just friends and friends don’t usually pay for each other like this. I think maybe I should start to pay my own way now.” Yes, this may lead to an awkward conversation and hurt feelings, but it’s unavoidable. This is your punishment for wasting his money and leading him on for months.
Kathryn says,
First, I’m curious about the nature of your relationship before you went overseas. Was there any hooking up of any kind? If not, and he called that “dating,” then yes, you have to be concerned about his intentions and feelings now.
But if previously you kissed, etc. when you were “dating” and now he never makes any moves on you… well, then I’d say it’s possible he’s totally on the same page as you are, and just likes to treat on your nights out. So enjoy it.
I do think you should repay his kindness from time to time, though. If you offer to pay as Chaco described, and he’s cool with being friends but not with you treating, then I’d try and do something nice for him. Bake him cookies. Make him and some other friends dinner one night. But don’t take and take and take if this is could be a true friendship. Eventually, he’ll wise up, tire of it, and tire of you.
(You’ll notice I didn’t use your a, b, or c options. They all clearly assume he’s totally sweating you, and you’re the person who has to break a heart. I can’t agree that’s the case based on what you’ve told us.)
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Don’t blow him off. It is cowardly and it sounds like you owe him more of an explanation if you’ve been friends for months.
Comment by Charlotte on 08/25/06.
WHAT A FUCKING WHORE! STOP WASTING HIS MONEY HOW HARD CAN THAT FUCKING BE? YOU OBIVOUSLY ARE A USER
Comment by Anonymous on 08/25/06.
I’m with Chaco… you brought this onto yourself (and so did the guy). Now someone has to end this, and obviously since the guy won’t, YOU’re the one who has to end it. Either tell him straight, or do the bar thing that Chaco talked about.
And I won’t do the whole “bake him cookies to cheer him up” thing, that could be misinterpreted.
Options a, b, c are all out.
Comment by nabeel on 08/25/06.
“you’re cool but we have no chemistry”
That’s the one. There’s no way he can argue with “no chemistry”.
“I’ve enjoyed hanging out with you since I’ve come back, but I’m starting to realize that you think we’re dating. You’re cool, but there’s just no chemistry.”
Then, if possible, introduce him to someone else.
This so isn’t as hard as you’re making it out to be. Ibid is right, being upfront and honest with him about “feeling no chemistry” is the right thing to do. It shows that you respect his feelings and have confidence in his character. Suck it up and do the right thing!
I hate women like this that screw around guys. Thanks for helping send one more guy on his way to dickdom!
Comment by A chick on 08/25/06.
“Now, he’s never tried to make a move or asked me where things stand, so maybe I should just enjoy his company and assume he’s doing the same with me.”
Wrong assumption, whore.
Comment by Anonymous on 08/25/06.
I think everyone here is being pretty damn harsh on this girl. What the hell is the guy doing? If they have fun and she accepts when he asks her to hang out and then insists on paying and NEVER MAKES A MOVE, what is she supposed to think? She probably didn’t expect it to happen the first time and then a pattern emerged. I think it’s great that after several times of this happening she’s re-evaluating so as not to be the “whore” that you guys are all accusing her of being. Geez. I like Kathryn’s advice.
Comment by klo on 08/25/06.
Is that you Jennifer D? WHORE!
Comment by Anonymous on 08/26/06.
You know the saying about assumptions…they make an ASS out of U and ME. You come across as a trifling moneygrubber (like DC needs more of those) and he as a dumb lovesick puppy. I hope you don’t get too upset when some guy you really fancy treats your feelings as carelessly as you are doing now. Please, for the sake of the already precarious reputation of DC women, DO NOT date until you can act like an adult.
Comment by Quinn on 08/26/06.
Klo, nice roundabout female justification. Real nice..
Comment by Anonymous on 08/26/06.
Well, for the record, I did try to pay once, and he was clearly uncomfortable with it. That was a couple of years ago while we were hanging out before I went overseas. (To answer your question, Kathryn, the only reason I assumed he was ever interested in being more than friends is because I was telling a platonic guy friend of mine about him and how he got flustered when I offered to pay, when my guy friend interpreted that the reason he got offended was because he was clearly interested in me but my offering to pay was a signal that I was “pushing him into the friend zone” before he had a chance to make a move. Mind you, this was date 3 or 4 when I offered to pay so I don’t buy that I was jumping the gun. Had my friend never said that, I would never have even thought that he was interested in anything more than a friendship because like I said, HE HAS NEVER MADE A MOVE - neither when we kicked it 3 years ago, nor since we started hanging out again this time.
Anyway, I submitted that post to FDDC quite a while ago. Things are kind of OBE now, but here’s how it went down: I did call him back that week. Had hoped we could go out and the topic would come up. I was definitely ready to be honest. But we played phone tag for a couple of weeks, then both stopped calling.
I’m no whore, and if a guy can’t be man enough to make it clear to me where he stands, how he feels or what he wants, I won’t take the heat for that. If things were up to him, we’d still be going out on lavish dates while the romance went nowhere.
Comment by Looking For A Spark on 08/26/06.
He probably thought he was making it clear where he stood. He was asking you out repeatedly and paying for dinner. I’ve met a lot of women who expect the guy to pick up on much subtler clues. Of course, I’ve met a lot of guys who expect women to figure out that he’s interested on much less.
He probably REALLY likes you. If you were just some notch he’d be trying all sorts of stuff. Instead he respects you enough not to start touching and kissing where he wasn’t invited. He was probably just looking for some hint that you were interested before he started encroaching on your personal space. Having never gotten that sign he had to assume you weren’t interested. Still he had to keep trying.
> if a guy can’t be man enough to make it clear to me where he stands…
I’ve heard this from a hundred women, both here and in non-digital space. More often than not it translates to “I don’t want to put my neck out either.”
He didn’t make it clear where he stands so you didn’t push ahead or push him off. You didn’t make it clear where you stand so he didn’t push the relationship or back off.
For both genders it’s nothing more than an excuse not to have to take the emotional risks.
There is another answer than being chicken. If you’re not interested and not sure if it’s a date why should you try to let him down easy only to have him say it wasn’t a date? But by the time you wrote this you knew it was a date and were just wanting to know HOW to break it off.
And the harsh comments… there’s a lot of women who would go out with Quasimodo for a free dinner. A lot of guys have been victims of this scam. Then the next several women who come along have to deal with a guy who has become suspicious and mistrustful. If it looks to either gender like you were using this guy for free food they’re gonna get pissed at you. Nasty too since we get to hide behind our keyboards.
Does “seeing” someone else mean screwing someone else?
Comment by Jack on 08/28/06.
In my case, no.
Comment by Looking For A Spark on 08/28/06.
whatever LFAS. You’re still a whore.
Comment by Anonymous on 08/29/06.
You guys are so inoccent– does the word “Beard” mean anything to you? Not that it should be so necessary these days, but if he is on the DL he had a nice looking woman to take around and say is his girlfriend.
Duh.
