First Date DC » 2006

August 15, 2006

His apartment smells of mahogany

Ron Burgundy wrote:

I live in a rather large (100+ units) building. There are a couple women in my building which I run into on an infrequent basis on the elevator. We have the general 15-20 seconds of elevator small talk, but that’s about it. Both women seem to be interested, but they may also just be acting friendly.

The question for you both is what is the proper protocol for asking someone out in this situation? How many times should we run into each other before I ask? Would an invitation for a drink at my place be too forward, even though it would seem to make sense since we live in the same building?

Thanks in advance.

DCB says,

I don’t think length of time is as big a determining factor in asking a woman out as the level of intensity. During your 20 seconds of small talk, do you feel them giving off any vibe at all? Do they act the same around other tenants? If you are feeling a vibe and think they are interested, then you need to have a longer conversation where some leisure topics come up. Where does she drink? What happy hours does she go to? Then it’s just a matter of asking. Honestly I don’t know if asking for a drink at your place is a good idea or not. Even though you are a neighbor, I would imagine that girls would be careful about going into the apartment of someone they don’t really know, but then again I’ve never lived in an apartment complex.

If any of the women aren’t interested, then they will probably blow you off with something like, “Oh I don’t go out that much anymore,” or “Yeah I go out drinking with my BOYFRIEND.”

Kathryn says,

I have lived in apartment buildings for several years and try to be friendly with all of my neighbors, regardless of age or gender. On occasion, I’ve found myself flirting with cute guy neighbors, too. If I was single, and they asked me out, I’d probably have been very flattered and said yes. If not, it might have been marginally awkward in the future, but you seem to live in a large building and as you say, your encounters are never longer than 20 seconds, so the awkwardness would be infrequent and short-lived.

HOWEVER. I would absolutely not recommend you ask a woman to your apartment for a drink as the first “date.” Despite the convenience of the location, that implies you are only looking for an easy hook-up. Start with a local bar instead. After all, you’re guaranteed you’ll be going home with her anyway.

10 Comments

August 14, 2006

Cultural divide

At FDDC, we honestly do our best to post all the questions we receive in a timely manner. Sometimes, though, we just don’t find the questions post-worthy. They may be repetitive, too stupid, obvious fakes, or just plain boring. Then, as in this case, they may be so culturally specific and outside our realm of experience that we find ourselves more or less without an answer. See what you think.

Sasa writes,

One night a guy invited me to a club, we knew each other for 5 months and were attractive to each other. He is very attractive men from lots of aspects.In the meantime, he put his hand on my thigh, I am very unhappy at such action and put it off. When the bill came,we fought for picking the tab. The waitress took his card, but I insisted gave cash to him.He was very unhappy. I refused his invitation to his place.When he sent me back home, he still insisted gave my cash back. what’s wrong with him? I hurt his macho? I felt be insulted when he put his hand on my thigh at first date.How do your guys think about that?

Thanks!!!

Then yuer writes,

I did something wrong to a guy.Though I made apologies, he still very piss off. we haven’t say a word for 2 months. Last week,I asked him to drink together,but we buy separetly. He bought one piece of cake and invited me to taste, I refused as I haven’t the habit to share food with others. But my behavior seem made him very unhappy. sharing food with him means he take me as his friend, right? or he just out of polite??? He is very nice guy.

Two months before, we had our first date, we fight to picke the tab,he was very uncomfortable and insisted to pay the bill.And told me if I insisted, he didn’t want date me;I would like pay, I can do it next time. I hurt his ego to pay the bill???

Pls help me. Thanks a lot!

And finally Sasayuer writes,

Dear Editor,
I love your website.I asked some questions yesterday, but the posted haven’t my thread.You will screen the submitted questions? Pls Tell me how to satisfy your threshold? Thanks!

Kathryn says,

You obviously hurt his macho. I don’t know where you are writing from, but clearly, in your culture, that is grounds to say, “NEXT!”

Readers? What do you think?

4 Comments

August 11, 2006

The J-Date Forward

Has everyone already heard about that freak who felt disappointed by a blind JDate? (For the uninitiated, JDate is a specialty match.com for Jewish singles.)

Anyway, this guy had a date he didn’t think went that well, where the woman offered to pay and he refused. Then later, he had second thoughts, and asked that she pay half the bill. Things get wilder and weirder from there.

This summary includes all his emails, audio files of his increasingly insane voicemails, and more.

Enjoy.

More: Flirt with your teacher

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10 Comments

August 10, 2006

Wax and wane

Ayla writes,

Hey guys. Thanks for helping a sister out.

The good news: I’ve been dating a great, funny guy for a little over a month. We’ve been out on a lot of different dates, he’s met my friends, I’ve met his. My question: In the beginning, we e-mailed several times a day, talked on the phone every few days, and texted quite a bit. Now, he still gets in touch with me/asks me out fairly regularly, but the frequency on all fronts has waned. Is this just the relationship “settling in” to a fairly normal rate of communication, or does this indicate that he’s losing interest?

Chaco says,

This one is tough to call. Usually communication intensifies as the relationship progresses. You start seeing other other once per week, with a phone call in between to plan dates. After a few dates it’s twice a week with a phone call or two in between and some short emails or text messages. Eventually you see each other 3-4 times per week and talk every day on the phone to see how his/her day went.

This one is backwards. You started off intense and how it’s less frequent. Therefore, it could either be settling in or it could be less interest on his part. What should you do? Gauge the degree of his affection while you are communicating. That is, when you talk on the phone, does he seem his usual upbeat self or does he seem more distant? When you are on dates, does he sweetly hold your hand and kiss you passionately right in the middle of the street? Or is he constantly scoping the thong peeking over the top of that blonde’s jeans at the next table? When it’s time get freaky, does he passionately rip your clothes off and ravish you? Or does he mechanically bang away with one eye on you and one eye on the baseball game? If things are normal, assume things are just settling in. Otherwise, time to start planing an exit strategy.

Kathryn says,

I usually find that, as I settle into a new relationship, the frequency of contact increases. More texting, more emails, more calls. However, they do tend to change from long, flowery, “getting to know you” messages into quicker, “what are we doing later” and xo-type messages. The more time you spend together in person, the less time you really need to spend on not-in-person communication.

You are unclear on whether you’re increasing the amount of time you’re spending together, though. It kind of sounds like that’s staying the same, and all other contact is decreasing. This isn’t the greatest sign, in my opinion.

Of course, I have to ask… how much contact do you truly need? Do you always want the same number of texts/calls/emails, or could the amount of time you spend together compensate for that need for contact? And, are you ever initiating contact or asking for dates? If so, and he’s not responsive, that could be a bad sign. And if not, why not? He could be wondering why, after a month of dating, he’s still the one doing all the calling. Perhaps you should give a little to get a little.

3 Comments

August 9, 2006

Your cheatin’ heart

Anonymous writes,

I’m currently in a long-term relationship that has been long-distance for the last couple of years. My boyfriend is nice, funny, and fiercely loyal, yet the longer we spend apart the more dissonance I sense when we’re together. I guess when two people allow themselves to develop in separate locations, they end up getting out of synch with each other. The relationship is going pretty well despite this.

Meanwhile, I recently met a wonderful girl who I’ve been seeing (every other day or so) for the past couple of weeks. She is the sweetest person I’ve ever met, and very smart and interesting and HOT. We are definitely on a closer wavelength than my boyfriend and I are. I know I shouldn’t be seeing her, but I’ve never been this excited about a person and I enjoy every minute we spend together. The sentiments seem to be mutual as well. She’s willing to casually date, but I think she would prefer more, as would I.

However, I realize infatuation can sometimes be fleeting, so I’m reluctant to tell my boyfriend until I’m certain my adoration of this girl won’t wear off anytime soon. It’s difficult to withhold information from him, but I feel like it must be for the best. He’s in school and finals are coming up, so I don’t want to upset him and cause him to ruin his GPA. He’d be devastated. Am I doing
the right thing here?

Mike says,

First things first - deal with your long distance relationship. While you may have a great guy as a boyfriend, your heart doesn’t seem to be in into this relationship. The fact that you are excited about someone else is indicative of the distance between the two of you. Long distance relationships are very hard to make work. For them to succeed both people have to be 100% committed and there needs to be a light at the end of the tunnel where the relationship can become “normal” or at least local, i.e. not long distance. I don’t know what the deal is here but if you want to be with this guy, you need to re-commit yourself. If not, you should end it immediately.

If you do decide to end it, do it as soon as possible and don’t try to look for a convenient time � there never is. Everyone is busy and while it may be inconvenient for him, he should know your thoughts as soon as possible.

As for the other girl: if you do decide to end your current relationship, give this new one a try. It sounds like it could be a good one. If you decide to keep your current boyfriend, then you have to keep this new girl at arm’s length as you would any other friend.

Personally, from what I can read in this letter, it sound like you should cut the cord. Life is short and love is a terrible thing to waste so I say go for it � but just make sure you end things with the guy first.

Kathryn says,

It seems this one languished in the queue for a while. If your boyfriend was about to take his finals, this question must be a few months old. I’m sorry for that.

Anyhoo, I think you know you have to end it. A short checklist:
1. Are you unintentionally rehearsing your break-up speech in your head?
2. Are you interested in other people?
3. Are you kind of dating and/or hooking up with other people?
4. When you think of your boyfriend, does it make you sad, not happy?
5. Do you feel like he understands you better than anyone in the world?

“Yes” responses to 1-4 and a “No” response to 5 = BREAK UP NOW. Do it as kindly as possible, but do it and do it soon. Good luck.

4 Comments

August 8, 2006

What to expect

AJT writes,

Howdy do, D and K.

So, I met a girl and we really hit it off. We’ve been out a few times and everything is great. The past 2 weeks, she’s been out of state for work, and today, she said she’ll probably be away for most of the summer; she said as much in an email along with wishing me a great summer. Should I continue to maintain contact with the occasional email every few weeks? Or, should I just
say ‘oh well’ and go about my business for the summer, knowing contact won’t happen, unless I initiate it? I don’t plan to pine over her, but should I maintain expectations of anything happening when she returns?

Thanks much,

AJT

Chaco says,

This one is pretty easy. Yes, maintain casual contact every two weeks. Don’t seem desperate, just keep the flame alive. Your goal is to pick up where you left off, but don’t let her know this is your plan. Keep it cool and when she gets back, suggest getting together “to catch up.” Then take her out and put your pimp game into effect. By the way, as a rule, the man takes the lead. Never expect a woman to take the lead early in a relationship. If you want a certain outcome, you work to make it happen unless you have proof she is not down with your plan.

Kathryn says,

I don’t think she’s interested. Her “I’ll probably be away for most of the summer” is vague on both likelihood and duration of travels. In other words, she’s saying not to expect to see or hear from her. She’s just trying to be nice, but make no mistake, she’s blowing you off. On to the next…

8 Comments

August 7, 2006

Less meaningless sex

Anonymous writes,

Hey guys-
I love this website. So, here’s my deal. I’m a 26 year old guy and I’ve never really been in a relationship. I hook up with women quite a bit, but I only seem to have one nighters with women who I don’t really like all that much and am not super attracted to. They, of course, really like me. The girls that I go out on dates with, I tend to like and get excited about, but they don’t usually reciprocate. Clearly, it has to do with my level of really caring about them and/or what they think. (i.e. If I don’t care about what they think, I end up sleeping with them pretty quickly, but if I do care, I rapidly become a beta).

I know this all sounds very beta, but other than this, my life is pretty good. I have great friends, am at a pretty high level at my job and am pretty damn good at what I do.

I’m sick of just having meaningless sex. But, I can’t seem to position myself to have any other kind of sex. Advice?

DCB says,

Correct, it does have to do with your level of caring. You are treating the whores you bang differently than the girls you actually like. A fix to this would be to treat every girl the same, regardless of how much you like her. While it sounds easy, it’s actually hard to implement because you will be scared of losing the quality girls. But realize you are currently losing them anyway.

Kathryn says,

Hello, COMMITMENT ISSUES! How you doing, FEAR OF FAILURE? It’s been so long, REFUSAL TO GROW UP!

Darling, you’re clearly able to bang the ones you don’t like because they mean nothing to you. I question whether you really like the ones you take on dates, too, or at least whether you get any indication they like you. In other words, you seem to be spending your time exclusively with girls you can bang but want nothing more from or girls you’d want more from but know they don’t want it from you. What’s holding you back from finding a girl you like, who likes you back, who’s worth more than just a little sack time?

Are you gay? Abused? Victim of bad parenting? Child of a horrible divorce and scared of an adult relationship? If you’re 26 and have never had anything you could call a relationship, I’m a little worried about you and strongly suggest you take a long, hard look at yourself, brother. Possibly with professional assistance.

10 Comments

August 4, 2006

Hot and confused

Today long-time DCB and FDDC commenter Chaco makes his main-page debut.

perplexedandbewildered writes,

What do you make of a man who is 37 and who tells you that he has had sexual intercourse with only one woman in his entire life. He was in love with her and this relationship ended over 5 years ago. He has never been married. Since then he has not had any serious relationship. He has done his fair share of dating and these relationships haven’t lasted longer than 2-3 months. He will engage in kissing, hugging, touching, and oral sex etc. with women but not intercourse. He says it is because he considers intercourse to be special and he will only do it with the Right woman. Strange huh?

On the surface this guy is very charismatic, financially successful, athletic, stylish and ambitious. We have gone on 3 dates in the past few weeks and he seems nice but this stuff about being ok with all the other sexual stuff but not the intercourse seems very odd to me. He volunteered this information without me even asking. I like him and he has told me that he thinks I am hot and smart. Should i run for the hills? I’m very confused about this situation.

I’d like to be involved in a meaningful healthy relationship and would like to avoid getting hurt emotionally if possible. Do you guys think he made this stuff up? And if he didn’t isn’t it strange? I appreciate all perspectives and advice. Thanks

Chaco says,

A 37 year old man who has only had sex with one woman and won’t have sex again until he meets Ms. Right? First, he is not making this up. Why would he? There is no incentive to make himself seem odd to the “hot and smart” woman he is dating. Well, ok, no incentive unless he is a gay closet caseand can only force himself to go as far as oral, but no further, while he picks up men on the side. But eliminating that, I would assume he is being honest. I have known guys who took sex very seriously and would only have it under special circumstances (though admittedly these guys were way younger than 37 and who knows if they could have maintained their strict rules until that age).

As to what to do about it, I will take the female empowerment angle. It’s all about YOU, sister. Are YOU cool with dating a guy who will only go as far as oral? Are YOU cool with dating a man who has not been in a serious relationship in 5 years? Are YOU cool with a man who may treat sex with you (if you ever get it) as a sacred act of love, rather than as the naughty nasty act of lust craved by moden Cosmo girls? Seems to me you are worrying more about what he wants and what his story is and he is weird or not but he seems so cool otherwise but I don’t want to get hurt and omigod what-do-I-do?? Ask youself what you want and if this is it.

Beyond the empowerment pep talk, this man is clearly looking to replace the woman he loved and lost 5 years ago. He no doubt applies a very strictscreen to the women he dates and ends things after a few months if they are not what he is looking for (or he gets dumped on occasion by women who are in desperate need of cock). So unless you fit what he wants, you will likely be another in a long line of these women who did not match. Despite all of the above, if you really think he is your Mr. Right, I suggest finding out what that special woman was like in detail and seeing if you can fill her shoes, or else decide that is not how you want to act and end it.

Good Luck.

Kathryn says,

Do you know anything about how his one relationship ended? Did she bang a ton of dudes behind his back, totally turning him off from sex? If the relationship caused some kind of long-term emotional damage that manifests as a refusal to engage in intercourse, you should probably run for the hills. It’s going to take him a while to work through that. Have him call you when he’s better.

However, there are other possibilities for his decision not to have intercourse:

For one, he could have a girlfriend in another city or country with whom he has a semi-open relationship, and thinks if he doesn’t actually stick his hoo-hoo-dilly in your cha-cha, he’s not cheating.
For another, he could have wicked Catholic guilt, and avoids it by not having sex.
He could also be gay, but unable to admit this to himself. This one is far-fetched, however, as a gay man would probably not want to have oral sex (well, not perform oral sex), but instead have intercourse and imagine he’s with a dude.

That said, I think Chaco’s on the right track when he says you have to decide for yourself whether intercourse is important for you, or more important than a relationship with this guy, then act accordingly.

13 Comments

August 3, 2006

Can we be friends first?

Today Mike of Sideways8 offers some solid good guy advice… with just a hint of pop culture.

Relationship Girl writes,

I am a single girl looking for a long-term serious and romantic relationship. I want my future partner to also be my best friend too. This has happened with my previous relationships where we got to know each other over the course of months and then became boyfriend and girlfriend. The guys were never purely just my friend because I knew I was attracted enough to sleep with them.

Now that I am older, this may not be possible. It seems that there are many guys in their 30’s out there who say “they don’t need any more female friends” and “should get sex by the third date”. I would like to be good friends, build the chemistry and hold off on the sex (for at least a month or two) to develop the relationship. Is this possible? And how would I approach this so that guys I am dating either decide to run away or to stay.

Mike says,

I think you have the right goals in mind, especially when you’re looking to establish a long-term, serious relationship. It is normal for anyone to hold off sexually in the early stages of dating.

The idea of friendships between men and women is a complicated one and one of the main reasons why When Harry Met Sally is on hourly on TBS even though it’s now almost 20 years old. Even if men have some female friends, the idea of finding a new female friend is not that attractive. Then again, are you looking for another good guy friend? It doesn’t sound like it � you’re looking for a boyfriend. And, men are too. Men of all ages � 20’s, 30’s and older � are willing to date and do countless other things (many of them pretty stupid) to find their Meg Ryan out there. Of course, men typically start by looking for someone attractive first and then fall backwards into friendship whereas women start by looking for a friend first and grow the relationship from there. So, don’t be discouraged by any of these statements by guys. We’re all looking for the same thing, we’re just starting with slightly different perspectives.

I think your real question is � how long can you date someone before getting physical? This is a tricky question. As people get older, they become more comfortable sexually and sex comes quicker in the dating cycle. You can date someone � for a while � without having sex. But at some point, the physical part of the relationship needs to be addressed. Everyone wants to be with someone that they find attractive and where that attraction is reciprocated. If it isn’t, that’s as big of a problem as any personality flaw and can ruin a relationship.

What to do? You should try to find someone you really like. After a few dates be up-front with your thoughts that you ‘re not looking to have sex immediately and want to take it slow and then do that, just take it slow. There are plenty of things you can do before sex that will let him know you’re interested and will be fun for him. After a while if you don’t want to jump him it’s probably not meant to be, and if you do � everyone wins.

Kathryn says,

You can absolutely wait a month or two before having sex, and even longer if it’s very casual dating. A guy who’s worth being with long-term - as in, someone who cares about your needs, comfort, and well-being - will wait as long as it takes. Guys who aren’t that into you or are just into sex will run before you put out. And I’d wave merrily at their retreating forms.

If you are truly searching for the right someone, and honestly believe you shouldn’t have sex until you have deeper feelings for said someone, then this is an excellent weeding system for you. Relax and know it’s going to work for you. Keep listening to your feelings. You’ll find your good apple before you know it.

9 Comments

August 2, 2006

Lovestupid

Member of the Sisterhood writes,

I have found out the guy I am dating is still seeing the girl he told me he broke up with. At one point, I was even almost a friend of this girl, but I haven’t talked to her in about a year and a half.

I am really saddened and upset to discover that he’s still seeing her. I can’t say I’m shocked because my gut felt something wasn’t right. But that’s not my issue. I plan to end it. (Unless DCB can give me a good, valid reason why he’s still seeing her and lying to me. I can come up with 100 reasons but my gut says he’s just a pig.)

Question: Do I tell her? She is oblivious about me. I don’t think it’s right for her to continue in a relationship (going on three years) with a man who has clearly cheated on her — repeatedly — who has even talked meanly about her. He doesn’t deserve any woman. Am I in the right place to say something?

Kathryn says,

I was once in your shoes. I thought I was a guy’s only girlfriend… then discovered he had a “main” girlfriend who lived out of state. He’d cheated on her for almost their whole relationship. She was 32 at the time; he and I were 26. She’d been waiting for him for five years.

I broke up with him, of course, but had her name and phone number and couldn’t decide if I should give her the chance to break up with him, too. I didn’t know what to do or how she’d react. Finally, I just called her. I explained who I was, how I got her number, and told her about the women who came before me. I also told her there was at least one other woman on the side, and that it was impossible to know how many others there had been over the years. I told her we had practiced safe sex, but didn’t know about what he’d done with others. I emphasized that I didn’t want to hurt her, but wanted her to know what I’d discovered, and to give her a chance to protect her health.

She thanked me. And dumped him permanently five minutes later. I highly recommend you give this woman the same opportunity. I have a feeling she’ll be grateful.

DCB says,

You don’t think she already knows? I think interfering with his other women goes beyond the scope of your casual relationship (it doesn’t sound like you two were that serious). If you want to get him back and show him that he really has affected you, then go right ahead and tell her, but I doubt she will be surprised or welcome your words with open arms. I think it’s time to start the healing process where you get over him by having a one-night stand with a random guy you meet in a club. Kathryn’s situation is probably an exception.

9 Comments