In the last couple of months ive gone out with close to a dozen or so women. None of which has lasted more than 2nd date. Why? I keep feeling that im putting in more energy into it than they are. I flirt with them, get their number, go out on date 1..sometimes date 2 if date 1 goes well. But after that, i keep feeling that im doing all the work. I never once had a girl call ME to go hang out with them or put an effort to get to know me. I drop them because i dont want to waste my time with someone that wont put in the effort. I dont want to waste all my energy on them and seem like im desperate.
I mean, serisouly…it cant be like this all the time. I keep thinking im meeting the wrong women. But out of a dozen and im getting the same responses? Something is not right.
DCB says,
This is a good question, and something that most guys wonder about. You have to understand that you will be expected to put in more than 50% of the work for the first several dates. Yeah, it’s great if she calls and asks you out on that second date, but are you seriously waiting by the phone for that to happen? You shouldn’t. You’re the man, so pick up the phone and ask her out again. Then get her in bed. That’s just what we do, and it’s what she expects from a real man. If she doesn’t call you back or says she is busy, then who cares, you obviously don’t have problems getting other numbers. Until you enter the relationship stage of things, after eight dates or so, should you really worry about reciprocity. I think you have a long way to go until you are desperate, and you thinking about it is probably costing you some notches. Men chase, while women passively wait. Don’t try to change a million years of genetics.
Kathryn says,
I always hate to start with “DCB is right.” But this time, he mostly is. Women are trained by their mothers, society, books like He’s Just Not That Into You, and their friends that a man who wants her will make the effort to call her. And we hold on to that for quite a while, well into dates 4 and 5 and 6. If a girl isn’t reciprocating by then, I’d wonder about her level of interest matching yours. But if you’re talking about dates 1 and 2, I really think it’s just a male/female expectation thing. Live up to hers and call if you want to see her again. It will pay off down the road. While DCB thinks that payoff should be sex, I think it could be a more equal, give-and-take relationship. Whatever floats your boat.
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Anonymous is saying he wants to go off the ’script’ because the women don’t reciprocate, however I would say he’s not chasing because the women are not inspiring him too.
If there was a real attraction for any of these women, this kind of dialogue about reciprocity wouldn’t be happening internally for Anonymous since he would either want to sleep with them or have a serious relationship and that would drive him to pursue them.
Date different kind of women than these 12 and see what happens.
Comment by Lion on 08/30/06.
I do the same thing. We go on a few dates a few weeks apart due to her busy schedule. I always do the calling. I always do the planning. She always has a friend in town, a conference to attend, long hours at the office, always something believable. She always says she really wants to get together, but it gets harder and harder to believe since she never seems to make the effort to call or make time for dinner. So you just stop calling and never hear from her again unless you bump into her on K street or flying out of a Starbucks with enough coffee to bring a person out of a coma. Lots of chemistry or none, you see this story replayed more often than a 3 year olds new Teletubby DVD.
Advice?
If you get her answering machine (anyone but me still have an actual machine?) say something to the effect of “My number is ###-####. I’ll wait to hear back from you.” She still might not call back, but aside from coming right out and saying “I feel like I’m doing all the work here. Could you at least give me a call to say ‘hi’ sometime?” there’s not much to do.
women just think that being in their presence or with them is their share of the effort. Trust me it will never change
Comment by Anonymous on 08/30/06.
We’re trained this way.. just keep pursuing .. but if I like some one I *will* ACCEPT their invitations.. if she doesn’t accept your invitiations or find alternatives when she is free then she isn’t interested or she’s playing the game so hard she’s a clueless mess.
I also think you may not have been as interested in those girls as you think if you’re not willing to put in a one-way effort for mroe than two dates..are you doing online dating and just ripping through a list of girls?
Comment by Madonna on 08/30/06.
OK, I gotta put down this “not interested enough to keep pushing” nonsense. If you don’t answer the phone and don’t call back we have to keep calling. We have to walk that thin line with calling too much so she thinks we’re stalker on one side and not calling enough so she thinks we’re not interested on the other. Then we also have all the women who think that refusing to answer the phone or return calls is a good substitution for breaking up with someone.
So there’s the problem. Is she trying to break it off or is she playing hard to get or is she just not interested enough to bother?
Of course, for the woman’s part you have to know the difference between calling back too soon and looking eager and waiting too long so you don’t look interested. But if you don’t call back at all we have to assume you’re not interested.
If you scroll down a few pages, I’m sure you’ll come across some topic where the woman has called the guy for a second date (or calling repeatedly for a second date) or is thinking about calling the guy for a second date and almost every response will tell this woman NOT to do it. Because if she does, she’ll be “needy girl” or “too available girl”. So, the women you’ve been dating aren’t calling you because they don’t want to be pegged for that role. It’s not always simply that the woman thinks a man who is interested in her will make the effort, it’s often also a fear of making him lose interest.
So, yeah, play the game, call one of these ladies for a third or a fourth date - you won’t look desperate. Oh, and btw, if you are dating a dozen women a month, then what I said is probably even more true. Each woman will pick up on that and have even less of a reason to think that you are really interested in her, so she’ll be more unwilling to call you and look like she’s more into you than you are into her.
Comment by F on 08/30/06.
Screw that. If she’s into you, she’ll reciprocate. When a girl ‘really’ likes a guy, she tends to drop the rules…
DC_Cookie- I disagree. the more I like them the less likely I am to drop the rules b/c I need to do my ridiculous “tests” to make sure they like me and respect me before I get my heart squashed.. it’s when I only want ‘the boo-tay” that I’ll drop the rules…
Comment by Madonna on 08/31/06.
We don’t drop the rules. EVER. Its the ones we really like that we practice the rules on the most. If we aren’t really into a guy, but want to keep him around until something better comes along, then we drop the rules. But never, ever on a guy we want to keep around. Anything else is just the exception.
Comment by Quinn on 08/31/06.
If she *really* likes you she’ll say, with my friends I have one set of standards but with you I have another one. And this standard or rules of behavior means she will have a higher level of expectations on how you behave.
