Wax and wane
Ayla writes,
Hey guys. Thanks for helping a sister out.
The good news: I’ve been dating a great, funny guy for a little over a month. We’ve been out on a lot of different dates, he’s met my friends, I’ve met his. My question: In the beginning, we e-mailed several times a day, talked on the phone every few days, and texted quite a bit. Now, he still gets in touch with me/asks me out fairly regularly, but the frequency on all fronts has waned. Is this just the relationship “settling in” to a fairly normal rate of communication, or does this indicate that he’s losing interest?
Chaco says,
This one is tough to call. Usually communication intensifies as the relationship progresses. You start seeing other other once per week, with a phone call in between to plan dates. After a few dates it’s twice a week with a phone call or two in between and some short emails or text messages. Eventually you see each other 3-4 times per week and talk every day on the phone to see how his/her day went.
This one is backwards. You started off intense and how it’s less frequent. Therefore, it could either be settling in or it could be less interest on his part. What should you do? Gauge the degree of his affection while you are communicating. That is, when you talk on the phone, does he seem his usual upbeat self or does he seem more distant? When you are on dates, does he sweetly hold your hand and kiss you passionately right in the middle of the street? Or is he constantly scoping the thong peeking over the top of that blonde’s jeans at the next table? When it’s time get freaky, does he passionately rip your clothes off and ravish you? Or does he mechanically bang away with one eye on you and one eye on the baseball game? If things are normal, assume things are just settling in. Otherwise, time to start planing an exit strategy.
Kathryn says,
I usually find that, as I settle into a new relationship, the frequency of contact increases. More texting, more emails, more calls. However, they do tend to change from long, flowery, “getting to know you” messages into quicker, “what are we doing later” and xo-type messages. The more time you spend together in person, the less time you really need to spend on not-in-person communication.
You are unclear on whether you’re increasing the amount of time you’re spending together, though. It kind of sounds like that’s staying the same, and all other contact is decreasing. This isn’t the greatest sign, in my opinion.
Of course, I have to ask… how much contact do you truly need? Do you always want the same number of texts/calls/emails, or could the amount of time you spend together compensate for that need for contact? And, are you ever initiating contact or asking for dates? If so, and he’s not responsive, that could be a bad sign. And if not, why not? He could be wondering why, after a month of dating, he’s still the one doing all the calling. Perhaps you should give a little to get a little.
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