First Date DC

“but seriously, when should i call?”
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September 28, 2006

Your girl for all seasons

Anonymous writes,

Hey, DCB and Kathryn. Maybe you can help me with this one…

Last summer I met a guy while I was out. I thought he was kinda cool and cute, but we didn’t exchange numbers so I didn’t see him for a while after that. I wasn’t looking for a guy at the time so it was no big deal.

During the winter I ran into the guy and we started making out. It was nice, we exchanged numbers, and I went home slightly interested. Over the next few weeks he seemed extremely interested in me. Wanting to keep things casual, I’d call him from a club or some other place and tell him to come over if he wanted. Over time we developed a great rapport and eventually had sex. There were rough moments– he is bipolar and has some other issues that sometimes manifest themselves– but I was patient and understanding because I had such a great time with him otherwise. We went on the best vacation together just a month or two after we started seeing each other.

During this time he has had some things going on with his ex. He says he is still in love with her but she no longer loves him. It sounds like she treats him horribly and is only using him for money and favors now. He’s aware that he’s being taken advantage of, but is still emotionally attached to her. He tells me I’m perfect and exactly what he needs right now, but he can’t love two people at once. Often he won’t have sex with me because he feels like it’s wrong. He geniunely wants to get over her but just can’t.

Meanwhile, I’ve fallen for him and I’m too attached to leave now. I’ve had no problem being patient and letting him take the time to get over her (I still don’t mind keeping things casual). I figure if I’m patient and understanding he’ll eventually come around, but this has been going on for months and it doesn’t seem like he’s making any progress. Eventually I would like to start dating him seriously, but I wonder if that’s ever going to happen at this rate.

The ex is leaving the country for a couple weeks so he won’t be seeing or hearing from her for a while. I was wondering if I should use this opportunity to make some kind of move, but I don’t know what that would be. Suggestions? Or am I wasting my time with him?

Kathryn says,

I think you’re wasting your time waiting for him to come around and realize he loves, respects, and wants a serious relationship with you. Listen to what he’s saying. He said you’re “exactly what he needs right now” - as in, no strings attached sex when he wants it and isn’t feeling too attached to the ex who doesn’t want him anymore. He told you he “can’t love two people at once” - as in, he’s too busy being in love with someone who doesn’t love him, and doesn’t like/love you enough to let that go. It makes no difference whether his ex is in the country or not - she’s clearly a big part of his demented emotional world no matter what kind of contact they have.

DCB says,

Sounds like you have a nutcase on your hands. So everything is great except for the awkward emotional moments and sexless nights? And you want to wait for things to “come around?” Right, I haven’t heard that before. The only move that would make this better is scheduling him an appointment with a psychiatrist.

September 27, 2006

Sleepover time

Anonymous writes,

I’ve been dating a woman for about a month now, and am struggling with how quickly to let the relationship progress. She is eager to hang out and sleep over regularly. I’m not necessarily opposed to that, and often would like to hang out myself. However, I’m nervous about letting things move too quickly, in part because I see a lot of potential in the relationship, and don’t want to have things flame out after becoming too intense too early.

I realize this is one of those situations which requires a lot more information about the people/relationship involved to provide concrete advise, but I was hoping to get your and your readers sense of how much time they typically allow to pass before a relationship progresses to the point that you are sleeping together 3 or 4 nights/week.

Thanks in advance.

Chaco says,

I have some strong opinions about this one. I believe firmly that the kiss of death in a relationship is “too much, too soon.” When it’s too much too, too soon, the girl can go from “wow this is great!” to “wow…I need a break” very quickly, and the momentum can be lost just like that. You don’t want that kind of negative vibe in your relationship until you have built a solid foundation.

So easy, just cut back on the dates from 3-4 to 1-2 per week, right? Well…no.

The tricky situation you are in is that if you pull back now and only see her 1-2 times per week, she may feel slighted and the relationship can lose steam because she feels you are not that into her. So, I think the way to manage this is to make sure that you are not also talking for a long time every night on the phone and sending multiple emails or texts to each other throughout the day. In addition, make sure it is *she* who is calling and suggesting the ‘extra dates’ (the ones over and above what you would want). If she is suggesting them, she can’t blame you for smothering her.

I also highly suggest you carefully monitor her mood when you are together. Does she still have that excited quality when she is with you? Or is she starting to seem worn and a little distant? If the first, you can keep seeing her as much as you are, provided she is pushing for the contact. If the latter, you need to come up with excuses for why you are “busy” on some of your usual date nights, so that there is less frequent contact. When you feel that the slightly less frequent contact is re-igniting the flame again, you can start permitting more dates.

By the way, having a woman want to sleep with you 3-4 times per week from the beginning is not the worst problem in the world to have. Give yourself a self-esteem boost and chalk it up to your amazing bedroom skills. Hey, you she can’t help it if you’re *that* damn good, can she? If it does flame out with her, your increased confidence will help you land a new hottie quickly.

Kathryn says,

I think it’s much more a matter of intimacy and emotion than it is “three weeks” or “three months” in this situation.

That said, the excitement of a new relationship only lasts a relatively short while, no matter how good and permanent it may turn out to be in the future. So you should do everything you can to savor it. I would make sure that you spend some nights doing other activities - football or poker with your guy friends, or playing softball, or some other legitimately no-girlfriends kinds of events. Any time you turn down a chance to see her in favor of something else, be sure to say, “can I see you tomorrow or the next day, though?” and show you do want to spend time with her. A little anticipation helps, too - “I know I can’t go much longer than that without seeing you.”

Also, in the first sleep-overs, try to make them as non-domestic as possible. As in, no overnight bags, no seeing each other get dressed, etc. Avoid sharing the “bad naked” as long as possible, and keep the magic alive as long as you can.

September 26, 2006

Sneaking peeks

sue writes,

Ok. I have been dating a guy for two yrs. He likes to check out other women when we are out. I know this, and it makes me feel uncomfortable because it is just like he is on another planet when when go out. Too much too look at!!! He of course denies it. The other thing he does is always walks behind me, not along side me when we’re out, and I told him i think it is because he wants to be freer to look at other women. He thinks I am nuts, but I don’t know if I am over-reacting or not. It just hurts my feelings. Any advice?

DCB says,

The problem here is not his wandering eyes, since it’s a normal pastime for men to check out other women. The problem here is your taste in men. It is very very hard to get caught checking out other women; I’m a huge pig but have never once been caught. If you are dating a man that you catch looking at women, that means he is a huge idiot that deserves to be removed from the dating pool. Why would you want to keep a man like that in business?

Kathryn says,

There is a big difference between “checking out” and completely ogling, disgustingly fawning over, or eyejamming. If your boyfriend is just occasionally looking at other women, I wouldn’t sweat it. He’s male, and he knows not what his eyes may do. It happens.

But if he’s constantly staring at other women, ignoring you, AND never walking with you in public (as in, pretending you guys aren’t together), you have major problems. That almost sounds like he doesn’t want to be in the relationship. Or to publicly acknowledge that he’s with you. And that’s miserable.

Bottom line: anyone who tells you your feelings are insignificant and that you’re nuts probably doesn’t care much about you. For those words to come from a boyfriend of two years… well, that’s shitty. Dump him.

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September 22, 2006

Stresscase

He’s Just Not That Into Me…Or Is He? writes,

I started dating this WONDERFUL guy a couple of months ago. For the first month
or so we were on the same page, but now I’m afraid that either (A) he’s losing interest, or (B) I let myself start to like him too much and am now obsessing for no good reason. Here’s a quick run-down:

*** FIRST 6 WEEKS ***
After our first date, we saw each other pretty intensely. We knew his job was sending him overseas for a month soon, so we saw each other about 11 of the next 14 days. We both even called into work sick one day just to have more time to spend together. He introduced me to all his friends and would say to them how much he liked me in front of them. He would send me emails from work saying he couldn’t seem to get me off his mind. I’d tell him I was suffering from the same ailment, so he’d drive across town to meet me for lunch. We spent the night at each other’s place several times. No sex; just quality time. (In fact, he didn’t even make a move which I took as a sign of respect.) He even gave me foot massages before work! This isn’t usually how I start things off, but it just sort of happened and it felt wonderful.

Overall, I found him to be the most refreshing guy I had met in a long time. I remarked to my friends how nice it was to date a guy who didn’t keep me guessing how he felt about me. The only 2 things that might have been red flags were: (1) He mentioned that his friends call him a ’serial monogomist’ because he was always in a relationship, but that for the first time in his life, he was in “dating” mode. It’s been 2 years since his last relationship; (2) He mentioned having just called things off with another woman he had been seeing. I asked if he had any other people he was seeing. His response was “Yes, but I’m working on bringing that to a resolution too” (which I took to mean closure).

The third wild card is that his job requires him to travel A LOT. Every other month, he has to go overseas for 3-4 weeks. He comes home for 2-4 week intervals in between. His first trip occured around week 3 of our dating, and he was gone for a month. That meant no face-to-face time obviously, but he called every other day so I felt pretty comfortable that things were looking good despite the distance.

*** THE RETURN ***
Once he came back from his first trip though, thing seemed a little different - certainly less intense. To be fair, he only had one week at home before heading overseas again so things were pretty hectic for him. During that week, we went to dinner twice and hung out a his place one night. Seeing someone three times in a week probably sounds normal, right? Thing is, I couldn’t help but feel like he was being a little bit distant. Sure, we hung out but it kinda felt like our plans were always tentative and only came together at the last minute. Whereas before he seemed to wanna squeeze in as much time with me as possible, this time he seemed to want quite a bit of time on his own.

Maybe he was just being normal for a guy who only has one week in country before spending another month overseas, but given its stark contrast with the voracity with which we were spending time together our first two weeks, I felt like something had “happened” to make him less interested.

During that last night that he was in town, I remarked that he seemed a little different and asked him if I had done anything to make him mad or put him off. He seemed confused by my question and said that it had just been a very busy week for him. My response was, “Yea, I know you’ve been busy, but you also seem a bit distant.” He didn’t really respond to that, except to say that he wished he could come up with something funny to say that would lighten the mood. We changed the subject.

TO BE CONTINUED ?????????

He’s now overseas for another month, and unfortunately, he’s in a country from which he can’t make phone calls this time. He has been there about 2 weeks, and while he does respond to my emails, he never really initiates contact (again - stark contrast to all the overseas phone calls initiated by him during his first trip). I’m thinking I should stop emailing him for a while to see if he takes any initiative; somehow I think it’ll give me a more accurate guage of his interest. Of course, I hate feeling like I have to calculate my moves now, as not having to do that is what I found so refreshing about him in the first place.

I’m not sure if he’s really pulling away, or if I’m just overanalyzing what would be a normal dating relationship (albeit complicated by periods of distance). I feel like we started out on Cloud 9 together but that he shifted down to Cloud 5 without really telling me. I’m kind of starting to obsess about it. That’s not really me, and I know it’s not really healthy. But I also know that I wouldn’t have let myself get to this point if I hadn’t initially gotten signals from him that he was as intensely into me as I still am into him.

He’ll be back in 2 weeks, but I’m not really sure I’m going to hear from him when he gets back. Am I overanalyzing or should I be preparing myself to move on? I’ve gone out with a couple of other guys - just to have something else to think about - but I don’t think it’s working because I still think about him all the time. God, I hate when guys leave a woman guessing!!!

Home Improvement Ninja says,

“now I’m afraid that either (A) he’s losing interest, or (B) I let myself start to like him too much and am now obsessing for no good reason”

Well, you seem to think you’re question is an “exclusive disjunction.” As if the answer to your question couldn’t be both that he is becoming not interested AND you are obsessing too much and overly attached. But rather than wax on about Formal Logic, I’ll answer your dating question.

Why I think you’re overly attached and obsessing too much:

a) You’ve only been dating this guy for two months and during one of those months he wasn’t even in the country.

b) you haven’t even had sex yet. (but he gave you a foot massage? not even going there) but you’re worried enough to write to Kathryn about it.

c) you said you saw each other “11 of those 14 days.” Why are you counting? Don’t you think that’s mildly obsessive?

Why I think he is losing interest:

a) his “other relationship” is either giving him drama about breaking up, or he is getting more serious about her, which affects the way he sees you.

b) your desperation may be freaking him out.

Plotting your dates out on an Excel Spreadsheet isn’t helping you, girlie. Why don’t you stop overanalyzing the situation and take things as you would in a less-intense relationship? The Tao Te Ching tells us that

For those who practice not-doing,
everything will fall into place.

I think your desperation/insecurity is very off-putting. I was put off by it, and I’m only reading your letter. I imagine that he is getting putt off by it because he has to deal with your insecurities in person. Insecurity is more repellent than cheap perfume so your obsession about the relationship fading out may turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I think moderation is the key, The Great Book tells us that:

He who stands on his tip toes, does not stand firm,
He who takes the longest stride, does not walk fastest.

If this downtime isn’t a result of drama from the other girl he’s dating (and that’s a pretty big “IF”) Maybe this is your cue to take it a little slower and less seriously. I think a relationship that progresses slowly is better than one with fireworks that fizzles out quickly. A relationship is like a dance. If he is now doing the tango, you should stop waltzing. Or better yet, why don’t you listen to the music and figure out which one of you is off beat. Wow, that metaphor smells like fromunda cheese.

And speaking of bad metaphors…Getting intense feelings early on is risky. On Wall Street, if someone takes a risky position, they usually protect themselves by hedging that position, and adjusting the hedge as the market moves against them. This “dynamic delta hedging” works as well in assessing relationships as well as delta hedging Latin American equity options. Take it slowly and open up if you feel it’s warranted and hold your cards closer to your vest if you feel the relationship is going the other way. Also, never go short on Chilean bonds. Trust me on that.

And rather than guess about what he meant by “bringing that to a resolution” why don’t you just say “Huh? Resolution? WTF are you talking about?”

Kathryn says,

If he’s leaving you guessing, he’s not interested. Guys who like you stay in touch. They don’t make you freak out all the time. It’s really that easy.

“Am I overanalyzing or should I be preparing myself to move on?” Prepare yourself to move on. Keep dating other guys. And before you know it, you’ll think about him less and less. Especially once you find one who doesn’t leave you guessing.

Her checkered past

Anonymous writes,

So, I met this girl about 8 weeks ago at a work function. She was tagging along with a friend of a friend - and I decided that since she didn’t know anyone there that I’d strike up a conversation. We got along really well that night, and at the end of the night I asked if she’d want to get together for drinks sometime soon.

We did, the next night, but very quickly asserted to each other that neither of us were looking for a serious relationship. Needless to say, that didn’t happen. We clicked on almost every level. It seems as though we have almost everything in common. Not to great conversation, great sex, and an overall feeling of happiness when we’re together that neither of us feel when we’re apart. In fact, because we both feel that way we have been spending exorbitant amounts of time together of late. To the point where we’ve stayed together almost every night for the past 2 or 3 weeks. It all went so fast — it felt like (feels like) love - but it could just be infatuation, and I’m terrified of the fallout.

Truth is, we haven’t known each other that long - and there is no way that we could have learned everything about one another in that period of time. As it turns out, she has a bit of a checkered past. I’d like to think that I’m okay with that, because I’m only with the person she is now, but frequently I’m finding myself thinking about that, and wondering if I can really be with someone who’s history kinda disgusts me, to be frank. And then I find myself worrying about the fallout again.

How does one reconcile that? Or how would I approach her to tell her I’m put off by who she was? And is it even rational to think that since this whole thing has taken off as quickly as it has, that the only way we have left to go is down?

El Guapo says,

Dear Stuck in the Past,

Look, everyone is entitled to a past. But it’s just that, the past. Nothing you can do or say will ever change what happened. Just worry about the now and later.

My apologies again for being so blunt, but I just got back from a long trip, but are you so perfect that you are able to judge someone’s past? If she makes you feel so incredible, why would you care about what she did yesterday? To me this is just the cries from some underlying insecurity that is trying to break it off before you get hurt. Don’t be an asshole amigo. If you find love, you hold onto it with your dear life and never let go.

EG

Kathryn says,

As always, I have questions. How did you find out about her past? Did other people tell you things about her (which could very easily not be true), or did she tell you herself, and you found the truth distasteful?

If it’s the former, I wouldn’t worry about it. Progress as if nothing happened, as you have no solid proof that it did.

If it’s the latter, well, then you still don’t have too much more to worry about. If she’s as great as she seems to be, and you are as enamoured of her as you seem to be, then I’d hope all that’s good about your budding relationship will outweigh these doubts about her past. I mean, really, put it in perspective! Is your past so clean that you can judge her? Was she a $5 hooker on K Street for 10 years and infected with every STD on God’s green earth, or did she just do a couple of things that you wouldn’t want your imaginary, virginal future wife to have done?

It is so rare to find someone with whom you can share great conversation, sex, fun, attraction, and more. Don’t throw it away on a technicality. You better be damn sure you could never be with her because of “her checkered past” before you end what might be the only good thing to come to you for quite a while.

ETA: OMFG I just realized you’re about to pull a Chasing Amy. Don’t be a Holden unless you have very good reason!!

September 21, 2006

Fattening up

Trouble with heavy lifting writes,

Hi FDDC,

I hope I haven’t stumped you with this one. This may be the most common problem to which there is no solution.

I have been dating a girl for about a year now, and things have been mostly good. I’m afraid I’m starting to get the itch to end the relationship and return to my alpha male roots so I can find some new pink. The main reason I feel this way is because my girl has started to put on extra weight in her mid section and legs. This used to not be a problem because she used to be very athletic (ran marine corp marathon once, YMCA membership) and attractive (big tits, nice ass, ok face), but the extra lbs are becoming a problem. Further complicating matters is that she is very sensitive to comments about her size (find me a girl that isn’t). So my question is, how do you say something to encourage her to deal with her weight? Is there any way to soften the blow or should I just put on a jockstrap and helmet beforehand and tell her its over because she’s too chubby? I promise there aren’t other problems complicating the relationship, at least none that could be easily dealt with, I’m just tired of my pelvis being crushed each night we do the nasty. I’m especially interested in hearing stories from readers who have had to tell the chicks they were seeing to trim the blubber. Thanks

Chaco says,

Oh man, here it is, every guy in a long-term relationship’s worst nightmare. It’s the DCB “My Future Wife” tee shirt coming to life right before your very eyes. As you seem to know, this is tricky territory. How to navigate this without causing insane amounts of drama? Here are some thoughts:

The most basic principle when it comes to dealing with women on such matters is to use positive reinforcment whenever possible. Women don’t respond well to “you are getting fat.” They respond much better to “I love how hot you look when you exercise.” You need to emphasize the positive when raising this and encourage her. Also, try to focus the issue on a “healthy
lifestyle”, rather than “getting fat.” It’s a far more positive approach and more likely to be successful.

Having said that, and this may piss off the your girl and the female readers, but I believe that when one person lets themself get fat, it is an act of disrespect toward their partner. Forget the “if you truely loved me for who I am” stuff, both men and women want a mate who is sexually
desireable. As such, you have a right to gently, using as much positive reinforcement as possible, ask her to make changes to “lead a healthy lifestyle”. If she not willing to make reasonable changes, then it shows she is not going to be a good partner who will respect your wishes over time. I would not be willing to marry a person who shows this degree of fundamental disrespect towards me.

A key point is this philosophy is that YOU need to be in shape too. If you are going to ask her to make changes to her appearance, you better be sexually desireable yourself, bro. So how are your diet and exercise routines? If you have some issues yourself, I suggest you start getting to
work so you can capture the moral high ground.

Finally, consider a “trade”. That is, find something that she gets on you about and say “I propose a trade, I’ll promise to do xyz if you will promise to lead a healthy lifestyle”. I did this with my fiancee. No, she was not getting fat, she is naturally thin and is one those blessed women who
actually has to work hard to gain weight. But she didn’t exercise much when we started dating due to her hetic work schedule and although she looked very good, I was truely worried about her long-term health. In turn, I used to exercise a lot, but typical of batchelor guys, I didn’t eat a very healthy diet. She was getting on me for never eating vegetables and fruit.

So I offered a vegetables-for-exercise trade. She accepted and started doing yoga while I started adding fruit and vegitables to my meals. It worked beautifully. I was making a sacrifice just like she was and I was doing something to please her just as she was doing something for me. In the end, I feel better than ever and I have really come to enjoy eating healthy. She now loves doing her yoga every day, feels better physically, and she has gone from looking very good to looking damn hot. I am a big fan of trades; see if you can think of one.

Kathryn says,

I’m curious how your physique may have changed over the last year. I mean, let’s face it: everyone in a happy relationship tends to get at least a little bit MF. MF stands for “married fat” - when you’re comfortable and secure, you slack a little bit on exercise and overindulge a little on food with your partner, so you put on a few pounds. Most people stop that in the 5-10 pound range, and a lot of couples end up working on their physiques together - team effort to get back in shape. What’s difficult is when only one partner lets themselves go, and lets themselves go far.

So first step: be honest with yourself. Have YOU gotten a little MF? If so, say you want to get back in fine form for her, and ask for her help in eating healthy meals and working out with you. Bonus side effect: she loses weight, too.

If you really have been keeping yourself in great shape, and she’s let herself go, then that’s much tougher to finesse. I like Chaco’s idea of some kind of trade. I also know that most women love when their men are excited about new activities you can do together. Buy a bike and go bike riding with her. Plan a long hike somewhere nearby. Tell her you want to try a spinning class, and ask her to take you. Or, maybe best for this situation, tell her you want to run a 10k or 10 miler with her, and train together.

Whatever you do, do NOT imply that you are less attracted to her because she’s gained weight. If she’s gained more than 5 pounds, chances are she’s VERY aware of it and even self-conscious about it. Tread lightly, be encouraging, and remember to praise and reward her often.

September 20, 2006

The gift of gab

The Friend writes,

Hey Guys,

First off just want to say that I love your blog and some of DCB’s responses crack me up.

Ok here is the situation. I am 27 and was in a serious relationship from 19 to 23 and moved to DC right after it was over. I am a relatively nice guy with a Midwest background with a stable job and I consider myself a good looking guy with a lot to offer. With this being said, I have noticed a weird trend developing in the past year or so. I have this uncanny ability to be able to start up conversations with women and will talk with them for hours where they will laugh, introduce me to their group, and receive casual touches and so forth. Now while I am getting a good vibe from the whole thing, she meanwhile is just getting this vibe that I am a friend. I have always been able to talk to women and usually didn’t have a problem “sealing the deal” and had a pretty high success rate. Now apparently I am just somehow putting out his “buddy” vibe. What am I doing wrong in between the introduction and last call? My friends think it is because I was basically raised by my mom and the fact that I have 3 sisters and no father or brother for a male influence. My female friends say it is because I am just too nice and that I am just so easy to talk to. Shouldn’t those things be a plus? What should I do differently? Is being easy to talk to and friendly really a deal breaker?

I am really curious about the male and female views on this situation.

Home Improvement Ninja says,

So you want to avoid the friend zone and move to the end zone, eh? First, an analogy:

When I was younger and studied Eagle Claw Kung Fu (the most studly of all martial arts), I had a bad habit of not keeping my elbow down. I was gently warned about this many times, but kept forgetting. One day, during sparring, the teacher took my sparring partner’s place and when I threw a punch (without keeping my elbow down) he heel-kicked me in the ribs and sent me flying across the room headfirst into the weapon rack, where I split my head open. Why did Grandmaster Shum do that? It wasn’t because he was a sadist-that was just a coincidence. It was because there was a serious flaw in my technique that would be dangerous if not corrected.

Now…onto your serious flaw. You have become what my friend Dirty Dave calls “an emotional tampon.” When you’re playing softball and the outfielders come in closer, it’s not because they like you and want you to score, it’s because they have such disdain for your skill that they won’t treat you as a worthy adversary. Your puppy dogs and ice cream routine makes women want to hang around with you and be nice to you, but it doesn’t mean they want to sleep with you. They stick around to talk to you because they don’t find you sexually threatening. You’re safe…like a Justin Timberlake poster in a teen girl’s room. You want them to date you, not talk about shoes and how they can’t find jeans to fit them.

You need to get your edginess back. I’ll bet that most of your friends are women. Am I right? This just makes the problem worse. You need to re-connect with your primordial maleness so that women will see you as a stud again, not some one they can watch Will and Grace with. Try some testosterone-improving habits like working out, sports, or hunting. I work with drywall or install marble tile whenever my testosterone needs a boost (which is almost never, because I’m all man, baby). Hang around more of your guy friends and talk to women in bars with the sole intent of getting their phone numbers, not to be friendly for the sake of being friendly. It’s great that you can find and talk to random attractive women easily. Most people have the opposite problem. So use that to your advantage–nice guy is good, but asexual is not. And even if you are not getting the mojo vibe, ASK for the girl’s phone number. It will reinforce to your subconscious the purpose of your exercise, which is to get laid, not to engage in Sisyphean dialogue about the DC bar scene with girls who are going home with someone else. Even if you’re not “feeling it,” at least asking for the number will remind you next time to stay “on message” when talking to girls in bars.

Kathryn says,

Being friendly and easy to talk to are great qualities. I can’t imagine a person alive who’d say they would prefer their mate to be surly and dismissive. So don’t worry about that.

What I am curious about, though, (and I sense the DCB force strong within me here) is what has changed about you in the last year to keep you from sealing the deal? Have you gained weight? Suddenly started dressing in hushpuppies, sweater vests, and pleated khakis? Started losing your hair? Because if you truly haven’t changed your game, and you’re still in the same town meeting the same kinds of people with whom you were previously successful… I’m kind of stumped. When you were fresh out of your relationship, were you more about the score, caring less about the women, and now that you’re healed and have distance from it, are you looking more for a real relationship, and it totally shows? Do you act like a wimp?

Something else must have changed. Find it and fix it. See if your female friends will help make you over, or give you tips on how to come across as less of a platonic friend, and more of a hot catch.

September 19, 2006

Back burner

Just Curious writes,

Dear FDDC,

I’m a big fan, and I’m sure you must have, at some point, addressed the “LJBF” topic…I haven’t read all your stuff, but it’s just a shot in the dark. But my story takes it one step further…I shall delineate.

So, I met a man, we started dating, hanging out, everything’s going well, etc etc. We haven’t had the DTR (defining the relationship) talk yet, but I’m not pushing it. Just in it for the fun. One night before heading out to a concert, he pulls the “let’s-just-be-friends” crap on me. Why? (That’s actually not my question…wait for it). I’ve heard this one before; I’m no dummy. I translate “LJBF” as “I’m just not that into you…actually this is probably the last you’ll hear from me.” Fine. I can deal with that. My confident, albeit snippy, response: “That’s ok. I have friends.” I go on about my biznass, delete his number from my cell phone, and call it a day.

Fast forward about 2 months. Complete radio silence. I’m minding my own business at work and the phone rings. I don’t recognize the number and pick it up (mistake #1). It’s him! Long time, no see, I say. He goes on to want to know how I’ve been, when we can get together, etc. Here’s my question to the guys: Why on earth is he calling me? We never got physical before, so it’s not like he’s missing the sex. And to Kathryn (or other ladies), should I call him back again?

Sincerely,
Just Curious

El Guapo says,

Miss Just Curious,

I just got back from a long trip where a fat man kept his elbow neatly nestled in my rib cage. My apologies for being too blunt, but your “friend” there is horny. Yes. He tossed you aside in hopes of catching what he felt was something better. It seems that he has failed and is trying to get another shot at you. Since he was the one that tossed you back into the water he feels he has the “power” to take you back.

Snap your fingers and move on, hermana.

EG

Kathryn says,

He definitely put you on the back burner the first time around. He probably had a new lady he was giving his A game to, so he put you on hold while he tried to work that situation. Clearly, he failed at snagging this lady, so he came back to you, hoping he could pick up where you left off. No, he wasn’t missing the sex - he was missing the possibility of having sex with you. When he lost that possibility with woman A, he returned to the last known source of possible sex - you. Do you really want to be his back-up? Something tells me you’re too good for that. I would never call him again.

September 18, 2006

I’m sure you’re SO hot

hot guy writes,

When a girl says that she isn’t ruling out the possibility of getting back together with me, her ex, after she figures out some things, does that mean never or is it just to pacify me? She just graduated from grad school and doesn’t have a job yet and doesn’t know where she will be living, depends upon the job situation. We broke up because she wasn’t ready for anything serious as she new she was leaving the state to go back to her parents while she waits to find a job. What’s the best strategy to use to get back with her if she indeed is employed near me in the next few months.

Chaco says,

Her reasoning seems legitimate. Long distance relationships can be very hard to pull off and many people, both men and women, won’t try unless they are already very committed to each other. Would she date you if she was going to be working near you? Hard to say, and you won’t know unless that happens and you make the effort.

What’s the best way to get her back? I have a better question: what is the best way to forget her and get another girl? It is very disempowering to have your hopes set on one girl who may or may not ever live near you again. Been there, done that, and it sucks. Your focus should be on new girls. The fact you are even asking this makes me think your game needs work. Are you confident you can find a replacement girl? If not, I suggest reading DCB’s tight game posts and my own post on this topic a few weeks back here on FDDC. If you dedicate yourself to improving your game so you can find new girls, if the time comes when she does live near you again, you’ll find you either won’t care about her anymore or if you do still care, you will already know the best way to get her back.

Kathryn says,

That’s a tough call. Since she just finished grad school, she is probably finally starting her “real” life. For her, that means new city, new job, new world, really. And it’s clear she doesn’t really know whether you’d be a part of it or not. In other words, when she looks out at her vast, vast future, you’re not in the picture. She’s telling you to let her settle down and she’ll see if there’s a place for you or not. Doesn’t sound very fair to me.

The best possible thing you can do is operate as if you guys have totally broken up (which I think you did, at least in her mind) and move on. If some day you get a phone call from her and she’s ready to work it out, you’ll have much greater perspective from which to decide if it’s worth it or not. Right now I think your emotions are clouding your judgment; time and distance and a little strange will likely give you a much more rational view of things.

Good luck.

September 15, 2006

Closing the gap

Frustrated writes,

I’m in a long-distance relationship with a great girl who lives in New York City. We’ve been going out for a little over a year, including three months of dating here in DC before she moved to New York for graduate school.

The problem is, she openly resents me now for not living in New York City and not doing enough to move there. She says I basically have to put up with her randomly being angry about it. I can understand missing someone, and being sad about not being able to be as close as we want, but this resentment and anger is taking it’s toll.

The reasons I haven’t moved are: a) my divorce has just been finalized, and the financial burden it has caused has been diffcult b) I didn’t want to jump into another serious commitment right after that, and c) my girlfriend cheated on me two months ago. We are still working on getting past that and re-building trust.

I believe we can work past cheating, but the anger…I don’t know what to do about that besides just ending the relationship.

What should I do?

Kathryn says,

Eesh. Yowza. Oy vey. Ick.

Darlin’, I hate to break it to you, but this sounds terrible. After cheating on you, she’s begun sniping at you whenever she feels crabby that you haven’t uprooted your life to get up to NYC and live there already? I think that’s incredibly selfish. It also could mean that, on some level, she thinks she needs to be around you all the time to avoid cheating on you again. If that’s the case, then her anger may well stem from frustration at her own difficulty in remaining faithful.

Then there’s you: fairly recently divorced, not in a financial or emotional position to uproot your life right now, AND recovering from the damage your girlfriend’s cheating caused to your relationship. Where she gets off thinking she can abuse you at her whim and guilt trip you for staying put for a while is beyond me.

I’d end the relationship, unless she’s done some serious line-toeing and boot-polishing since you wrote this.

Readers?

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